Ford is celebrating its one hundredth anniversary this year. It's enjoyed phenomenal
success over the years producing cars that most of us have driven, most of us have
owned and that have been used in more bank robberies than Ford would care to admit.
It's enjoyed success on the race track - beating the Ferraris at Le Mans in the 60's,
blasting through whatever that forest is called in the 70's, and then onto various other successes that this
beer I'm supping prevents me from recalling.
The centenary gives Ford the excuse to wheel out all sorts of old tat in the name of
the celebration. Various Model T's have been restored and can be seen at exhibitions
around the country this year and no doubt countless sad old duffers will boast of their
10,000 mile 1300L Mark One Escorts.
The global success of the marque in recent times is a tribute not to innovative
thinking, beautiful styling or grotesque power. The success has been thanks to providing simple, reasonable looking cars that plebs want. Moving upmarket a little,
Ford has reached into the upper echelons of mainstream motoring by slapping on a bit of
chrome, some fake wood and a Ghia badge to elevate some models to be perceived as classy items
commensurate with the status of those crawling up the interminably tedious corporate
hierarchy.
A culture of desire has been created by badge engineering and the addition of velour
seats and tinted windows. The invention of some ludicrously nonsensical abbreviations
has further pushed the product boundaries, reaching into a market where having the
right tin box could make or break your credibility.
XR and RS carved new niches into society - segments of subculture that desired anything with the right badge.
Inheriting your mother's shopping car was no longer a problem if you could screw an RS
knob onto your stick. A simple bodykit dreamt up by a drunken employee playing with a
polystyrene cup resulted in a whole range of bolt on tat that many of us dreamed
of burdening our cars with.
The XR2i was the antithesis of this ridiculous culture. A tragically mumsy car
transformed into the motoring equivalent of white stilletoes. Body coloured bumpers
and go faster stripes were a sign of sportiness in those days. Now we recognise them as the automotive
equivalent of the paradox that is the jogging bottom wearing, Diet Coke drinking,
lardette.
All credit to Ford though. They sold slow, plastic laden, shopping trollies to the
masses (me included), under the pretence of them being aspirational motors. Their
marketing department has long since moved on to selling banks as places that you can
enter once again and promoting filtered water as an aphrodisiac.
When I was younger I had two Capris and an XR2. My Mark One, 1600GT Capri was probably
the slowest car I've ever driven but thanks to Ford's marketing, that magic 'GT' badge
and the looks created a car that I desired intensely. My 2 litre 'JPS' (oh, so much
cred!) Sport Mark II Capri was the envy of... blokes like me. In hindsight it was just
a rusty death trap but funnily enough I still reminisce about that shoddy product like
it was an old girlfriend who could do special things with her tongue.
When it comes to reminiscing about my XR2 it's a different matter. That car was a
dream come true for a young lad seeking to demonstrate his 'success'. The truth was
that in fact it was a tin box with a puny engine and more rattles than Mothercare. I
hate that car for conning me into thinking it was something special when it gave me no
more pleasure than that fat lass with the brace and the weeping eye.
Ford made them all desirable at the right time in my life though and for that I salute
them.
So what the bloody hell are they doing now? The only thing likely to get the blood
pumping other stacking a Galaxy into the armco is the Focus RS. What happened to the
exciting products in Ford's range? Don't waste your breath with the GT(40), I'm talking real cars.
I guess the RS Focus is a desirable car, despite the differential problems, but
the rest of the range lacks zest.
The cars all share a corporate look that is now being subjected to
infringement actions from the Bland Corporation. Have you seen a Fiesta recently? You think
you haven't but you have. There are thousands of the stupid things cruising about
looking a bit like a Focus, but without the presence of the Focus. The Fiesta takes
the styling influence of the Focus, adds in a bit of Liberal Democrat, a dose of baby
bore and polishes off the whole effect with BBC regional news from Rutland. It's
invisible and inaudible.
In an effort to raise the profile of the new look cars, they've now brought out the
blitheringly ridiculous Ford Fusion. The jacked up Fiesta is even more anonymous
looking. Saddam Hussain has bought three to drive him and his cronies around
London. It's going to take more than 'cool' adverts to give this jacked up shed any cred. Driving one will be like bolting a Parker Knoll to a skate
board and let's face it, it's as desirable as Moira Stewart in a nasty cardigan.
Come on Ford. This was the year you were meant to sock it to us, not make invisible
cars.
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