Back in the dark ages - the 70's that is - when telephones still had bells in
them and mobile phones had shoulder straps, we had no cause to question the
quality of our TV. We took what was thrown at us and enjoyed it. If there wasn't
anything worth watching on all three channels then we'd all get around the piano
and have a Victorian style sing-a-long or play Kerplunk. Those happy days are
gone forever now - thanks to cable TV.
Flying down one of the numerous pipes into Pie Central is of course my cable
TV. I couldn't live without it now of course (no piano/Kerplunk). With almost a
hundred channels of 'niche' programming I am of course much more knowledgeable
about the world I live in, and about sharks. In the good old days it was easy to
determine if there was nothing worth watching. A browse of the channels took
around 10 seconds. Now it takes me fifteen minutes to complete a lap from BBC1
to Sky Moviemax Gold 4 by which time another programme could have started. It's
a relentless loop which only sleep or dietary needs can break.
Despite the masses of information being poured down the cables, the content
available for petrolheads is dreadful. There's only so many Renault Clio races I
can watch. I've seen how the Elise was designed 45 times. I've seen all the
futuristic cars from 1950's America and I've had my fill of that annoying
northern bloke bleating on about retro-styled motorbikes on Top Gear GTi.
The one channel that should be catering to my automotive desires is of course
Granada Men and Motors. Sadly this seems to be targeted at what Granada consider
a large and financially lucrative audience of lobotomised 17 year olds. Most of
the evening is dedicated to the visual chewing gum of various 'celebrity'
numskull bints exposing their mammories at any opportunity. I'm all in favour of
a bit of tantalising TV, but the Benny Hill show was more erotic than these
horses.
Where are the TV programmes catering for the wealthy beer swilling,
professional male sports car owners and enthusiasts? Isn't that a more lucrative
audience than skinny Nova drivers? Liking birds and cars doesn't mean I'm happy
to be fed a substandard diet of witless tarts and asthmatic Escorts.
There's one programme that GM&M can be proud of though: 'Carnage'. That
even manages to insult the intelligence of the bolt-on-boys. Yet it's aimed
directly at those penniless wasters who spend their hard earned bolting bits of incongruous
plastic to their mum's old car.
Complete
with 'wacky' wobbly camera work - first seen in that other crazy 30 minuter, The
Bill - it helps the uninitiated work out which bit to bolt on next. They offer
top tips like the best three components to improve your car. Today's top tune up
tips are 'the chip' because that's coooool cos Cossies have got chips, the
lowered springs because that's just wicked looking and makes yer car 'andle
better, then finally the padded seatbelt thing cos that's cheap and everyone
else has got them. Never mind that all this is going onto a ten year old shed
with 130,000 miles on the clock.
Just before the break they throw in some more wandering camera work of the
dolly bird presenter and that's half the programme sorted. Then a quick ad break
sponsored by a car polish company with some pictures of decent cars and it's
back for another ten minutes of TV landfill. A 'feature' on the 17 year old girl
and her passion for cars. Passion for cars?! She's got a sodding Fiesta with the
wrong wheels and one of those padded seat belt things. Give me strength!
So Granada, how's about making some programmes that appeal to the man in the
street, not the boy? Where are the grown up cars driven sideways around every
racetrack in the country? Where are the circuits of the gravel driveway in the
Mk II RS2000 (for old times sake)? Where's the documentary on the real side of
the Le Mans 24 hours? Where's the screech of hot rubber and intelligent
commentary on the car scene? And while you're at it explain to me what those
padded seat belt warmers are for...