Summer's arrived and the countdown is on until the school holidays. Right now
millions of kids around the country are preparing for the 'most important' exams
of their lives (weren't you told that every year?). Even seven year olds are
turning to booze because of the stress.
There's light at the end of the tunnel though. Once those troublesome tests
are complete, it's holiday time. A time we can all look forward to with the
roads once again devoid of 4x4s full of little brats and distracted mums.
Parents around the country are already preparing for those long trips to the
far flung reaches of the country. We all know a lot of preparation is
needed too if the journey isn't to be punctuated with endless cries of "Are
we there yet?" and incessant whinging and whining (and that's just your
missus).
Which
of course is where the fun and games came in. In my youth we didn't have video
screens in the headrests of the Viva. Come to think of it we didn't have
headrests. There were no Walkmans to listen too, only my mum's singing or the
harmoneous song of cross plies on concrete. If someone had asked I wanted a
Gameboy I'd have referred them to my sister. Back then, we had to amuse
ourselves by counting bridges, traffic lights, roundabouts or sticking two
fingers up at the driver behind without Dad noticing.
It was hot, my legs stuck to the vinyl seats and a trip from London to Wales
would take about eight hours. They say necessity is the mother of invention so
it's no wonder I've got such a rich collection of amusements to keep me going on
long journeys these days.
"It's me Gran" (1-6 players)
It's not your gran really, but bear with us on this one as old folk are
tremendous fun. This game is a chance for the driver to score a few points over
the passengers. You may have noticed that most towns and villages have lookouts
posted in the form of pensioners doddering along or secured to the gateposts of
their bungalows. A long bellow of your horn and a cheery wave will soon wake 'em
up. Points are scored as follows:
Grannie waves back: 2 points
Old duffer waves back: 1 point (old blokes usually wave back or salute
instinctively)
Confused look/heart attack: No points
"The Brady Hunch" (4 to six players)
Not an easy one this. If you can find an XR2 on the motorway complete with
scroat at the wheel then you're in business. Look out for the faded baseball
cap, and the skinny, naked frame hunched over the wheel like his nipples are
tied to the column stalks. Then get the whole family to lean forward in the same
style and peer to one side with a big grin.
Scroat floors it and his exhaust falls off: 5 points
Scroat tries to drive into your car: 3 points
Scroat gives you the bird: 1 point
"Chris-Cross" (1 player or more)
This one takes the tedium out of stopping at zebra crossings or traffic
lights. Whenever you have to stop and people cross in front of you, get all the
occupants of the car to yell out 'Chris!' from the windows of your car. Keep
yelling a few times. Two points for anyone called Chris who stops and checks you
out and a whopping ten points if they come up to you to see who you are.
"Connect Four" (1 player or more)
One for more alert drivers this and a useful safety measure. When you see a
hold up on the motorway ahead rather than brake gently and have the numpty
behind slam into your car, slam your anchors on as hard as you can as early as
you can. As you're doing that grab a low gear ready to set off again. The numpty
behind will panic, slam his stoppers on on the three cars behind him will join
him in a mash of tangled metal. You simply accelerate a little - you've safely
avoided a rear end shunt and got four points into the bargain.
"Death Wish"
This
one's usually played when going skiing, but with the right equipment and the
right political climate it can be hilarious entertainment for the whole family
all year round. Simply get the whole family to don their balaclavas and then
drive around the city of your choice (it's important to adopt a fixed stare
forwards at all times).
Fun for all the family as you sit outside the embassy of your choice and
watch the reaction. See the traffic open up before you as you and your clan gaze
straight ahead fully focused on your next task - getting the ice creams in.
Watch how quickly people use the crossings when you've got your bonny balaclavas
on. Chuckle heartily as an Armed Response Vehicle comes to check you out and the
jackpot's yours when you can sue the police for harrassment.
With a bit of imagination car journeys need never be the same again. It only
takes a bit of thought to lighten up those trips, keep the family amused and
possibly get your head kicked in too. So next time your kids are begging for
expensive technology to keep them amused, tell 'em to buckle it and get their
balaclavas on. Top value!
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