Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
I once knew a dental nurse who loved blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as 'oral high Jean'.
Just had a parcel from Holland, it was a rubber fanny. That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' !
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for theft !
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour !"
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a s
t."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
She was known as 'oral high Jean'.
Just had a parcel from Holland, it was a rubber fanny. That's nice I thought, 'two lips from Amsterdam' !
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for theft !
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !
A woman is walking down the street and see's a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25" curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies, "Bonjour !"
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a s
t." "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
Laurel Green said:
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a st."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a s
t." "I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
Two of my favourite jokes in one post.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour'
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour'
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Bad man. 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
Another oldie I know.
Flight coming into land, pilot switches on the passenger P.A. System and starts on the patter.
"Ladies and gentleman, we are coming to land, please fold your trays up and put on your seat belts"
He turns to the co-pilot and says "You know that new brunette stewardess, well when we check in the hotel , I am going to have a shave and shower, and screw her senseless.
Of course he has left the passenger P.A. System on, by now the stewardess is running down the aisle towards the cockpit to tell him, and trips, as she falls over, an old biddy leans forward and says to her
"There's no rush dear, he has to have a shave and a shower first"
Flight coming into land, pilot switches on the passenger P.A. System and starts on the patter.
"Ladies and gentleman, we are coming to land, please fold your trays up and put on your seat belts"
He turns to the co-pilot and says "You know that new brunette stewardess, well when we check in the hotel , I am going to have a shave and shower, and screw her senseless.
Of course he has left the passenger P.A. System on, by now the stewardess is running down the aisle towards the cockpit to tell him, and trips, as she falls over, an old biddy leans forward and says to her
"There's no rush dear, he has to have a shave and a shower first"
Toto!
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