Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Laurel Green said:
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
Excellent Laurel.While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if fire engine hadn't come along.".
P.S. that's two gone this week then.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if fire engine hadn't come along.".
P.S. that's two gone this week then.
Doing thr ounds here at work.....
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
Guy flies from London to Les Vegas to try his skill in the casinos.
Starts off good, wins here and there, so he ups the stakes, starts loosing, finally he is skint, hasn't even got the taxi fare to get to the airport.
He walks to a cab outside the casino, explains to the cabbie he has a ticket home, but no money to get to the airport, can he help him out, and he will send the fare to him.
Cabbie looks at him and says "f
k off Limey barsteward", so he walks to the airport and goes home.
A few months later when he has won some money back in the London Casinos decides to go back to Vegas and try his hand again.
This time, he makes out like a bandit, cleans up and decides to stay over in the Hilton. As he walks out of the casino, he spots the same cabbie at the end of the taxi rank, thought right you bd, approaches the cab in front and says to the cabbie
"How much to the Hilton, and if I chuck in a grand will you give me a blow job"
Naturally this is received with a very verbal response to the guy with clear reference to bloody gays.
He repeats this to every cab in line until he comes to the one at the end, gets in and tells the guy for some reason the others won't take him to the Hilton, the cabbie not quite sure why says he will take him.
As the cab passes all the others in line, all the cabbies are watching, the guy in the back is giving them the thumbs up as he drives by
Starts off good, wins here and there, so he ups the stakes, starts loosing, finally he is skint, hasn't even got the taxi fare to get to the airport.
He walks to a cab outside the casino, explains to the cabbie he has a ticket home, but no money to get to the airport, can he help him out, and he will send the fare to him.
Cabbie looks at him and says "f
k off Limey barsteward", so he walks to the airport and goes home.A few months later when he has won some money back in the London Casinos decides to go back to Vegas and try his hand again.
This time, he makes out like a bandit, cleans up and decides to stay over in the Hilton. As he walks out of the casino, he spots the same cabbie at the end of the taxi rank, thought right you b
d, approaches the cab in front and says to the cabbie"How much to the Hilton, and if I chuck in a grand will you give me a blow job"
Naturally this is received with a very verbal response to the guy with clear reference to bloody gays.
He repeats this to every cab in line until he comes to the one at the end, gets in and tells the guy for some reason the others won't take him to the Hilton, the cabbie not quite sure why says he will take him.
As the cab passes all the others in line, all the cabbies are watching, the guy in the back is giving them the thumbs up as he drives by
Efraim's brother dies. He rings the Stamford Hill Recorder to post an obituary notice in next week's edition.
"What would you like to say?" says clerk.
"Levi is dead" Replies Efraim.
"But the minimum charge is £6.00, it's £1 per word, you have three words left!"
"OK. Levi is dead. Volvo for sale"
"What would you like to say?" says clerk.
"Levi is dead" Replies Efraim.
"But the minimum charge is £6.00, it's £1 per word, you have three words left!"
"OK. Levi is dead. Volvo for sale"
Vipers, that's not really a joke, it's more a story 
And it's much better to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm5QQdo3kxc
And it's much better to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm5QQdo3kxc
I know one should not take the Mick, but some years ago I remember seeing (poss in a comedy sketch) a picture of a group of 'little people' cleaning a length of street office windows. The clean areas stretched up only halfway up the glass and it really made me chuckle (I reckon, as most of them have a good sense of humour, they would probably also find it quite funny) Now I cannot find the picture anywhere despite extensive 'net searching. Can anyone help?
Possibly this should be in the TV section but I reckon someone frequenting this thread with the same silly sense of humour as me who knows of a link will help.
Possibly this should be in the TV section but I reckon someone frequenting this thread with the same silly sense of humour as me who knows of a link will help.
JREwing said:
Vipers, that's not really a joke, it's more a story
And it's much better to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm5QQdo3kxc
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.......... Absolutely no fAnd it's much better to watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm5QQdo3kxc
king idea what they are saying, german maybe?Edited by Vipers on Wednesday 22 May 19:40
Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well
dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ....... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ........... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wker
dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ....... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ........... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a w
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