Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[hyphen]

How was yours?

[Steve91]

I'm in kinda a similar situation. Been together about 6 months when she says that she doesn't see a future for us together. Fair enough, doesn't always work out. We leave it a week and start seeing each other again casually maybe once a week.

Another 6 months down the line, I'm at hers 5 nights a week and things are going great. We've booked a holiday for march, and we've been talking about a big holiday ( 2 weeks in the Caribbean) in September, so hopefully you'd understand that I'm feeling good about us.

I ask whether she wants to spend NYE in with a Chinese and a bad movie, for her to say that she's not sure, because it's "a couply thing to do, and we're not a couple"

I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurt a little. I know you're all going to say to walk away now, but the truth is we make each other really happy at the moment.

[Lincsls1]

Steve91 said:

I'm in kinda a similar situation. Been together about 6 months when she says that she doesn't see a future for us together. Fair enough, doesn't always work out. We leave it a week and start seeing each other again casually maybe once a week.

Another 6 months down the line, I'm at hers 5 nights a week and things are going great. We've booked a holiday for march, and we've been talking about a big holiday ( 2 weeks in the Caribbean) in September, so hopefully you'd understand that I'm feeling good about us.

I ask whether she wants to spend NYE in with a Chinese and a bad movie, for her to say that she's not sure, because it's "a couply thing to do, and we're not a couple"

I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurt a little. I know you're all going to say to walk away now, but the truth is we make each other really happy at the moment.

You're right. I'd say time to walk my friend. That's a really stty response to your NYE suggestion especially with what else you said. To me you are very much a couple (I assume you are intimate etc..)
Alternatively, you can choose to except the current situation or talk to her if you want something to change.

[CharlesdeGaulle]

Steve91 said:

I'm in kinda a similar situation. Been together about 6 months when she says that she doesn't see a future for us together. Fair enough, doesn't always work out. We leave it a week and start seeing each other again casually maybe once a week.

Another 6 months down the line, I'm at hers 5 nights a week and things are going great. We've booked a holiday for march, and we've been talking about a big holiday ( 2 weeks in the Caribbean) in September, so hopefully you'd understand that I'm feeling good about us.

I ask whether she wants to spend NYE in with a Chinese and a bad movie, for her to say that she's not sure, because it's "a couply thing to do, and we're not a couple"

I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurt a little. I know you're all going to say to walk away now, but the truth is we make each other really happy at the moment.

I certainly wouldn't say walk. People say daft or dismissive things all the time. 6 months is nothing, take it day by day. The moment you come across all needy and defensive is the day she'll decide to walk, not you. Go with the flow and stop over-thinking it. NYE is couply; ask her but don't expect anything. It really isn't rocket science - don't over-complicate stuff.

[wisbech]

Unless you want full commitment from her, sounds fine. She wants sex, holidays etc with you and she makes you happy.

[hyphen]

Your not the one she wants to settle down with, but you provide her with things that she benefits from in the interim.

Only you can decide if you are getting enough out it,whilst it lasts...

Perhaps keep dating other women yourself.

[FocusRS3]

hyphen said:

How was yours?

All good tks

Was just curious to catch up with this thread as it seems to gather pace at the start of the year then tail off around the mid part.

January and just after Xmas seen the time when things are said and people move on .

Glad the kids situation are good for you. Hopefully the financials fall into place soon.

Any new female on the go ?

[FocusRS3]

Steve91 said:

I'm in kinda a similar situation. Been together about 6 months when she says that she doesn't see a future for us together. Fair enough, doesn't always work out. We leave it a week and start seeing each other again casually maybe once a week.

Another 6 months down the line, I'm at hers 5 nights a week and things are going great. We've booked a holiday for march, and we've been talking about a big holiday ( 2 weeks in the Caribbean) in September, so hopefully you'd understand that I'm feeling good about us.

I ask whether she wants to spend NYE in with a Chinese and a bad movie, for her to say that she's not sure, because it's "a couply thing to do, and we're not a couple"

I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurt a little. I know you're all going to say to walk away now, but the truth is we make each other really happy at the moment.

Odd one this in that it’s almost like she is happy to plan for a few months ahead to have things to look forward to but always sees herself moving
on at some stage.

If that works for you go with it, if not maybe look elsewhere yourself.

Personally I’d just feel like I was being used until the next best thing comes along.......

[Lincsls1]

CharlesdeGaulle said:

I certainly wouldn't say walk. People say daft or dismissive things all the time. 6 months is nothing, take it day by day. The moment you come across all needy and defensive is the day she'll decide to walk, not you. Go with the flow and stop over-thinking it. NYE is couply; ask her but don't expect anything. It really isn't rocket science - don't over-complicate stuff.

Some people have met and married within 6mths, I certainly wouldn't but I'd also say 6mths is more than long enough to know if you're in 'it' for the foreseeable - of course things can change.
The OP has now been 'seeing' this girl for 12mths in fact. He just needs to decide what he wants from this now and then talk it over with her. Sounds to me like he'd like a more committed relationship, she perhaps doesn't and IF this is the case then surely its time to say goodbye.

[Plate spinner]

Lincsls1 said:

CharlesdeGaulle said:

I certainly wouldn't say walk. People say daft or dismissive things all the time. 6 months is nothing, take it day by day. The moment you come across all needy and defensive is the day she'll decide to walk, not you. Go with the flow and stop over-thinking it. NYE is couply; ask her but don't expect anything. It really isn't rocket science - don't over-complicate stuff.

Some people have met and married within 6mths, I certainly wouldn't but I'd also say 6mths is more than long enough to know if you're in 'it' for the foreseeable - of course things can change.
The OP has now been 'seeing' this girl for 12mths in fact. He just needs to decide what he wants from this now and then talk it over with her. Sounds to me like he'd like a more committed relationship, she perhaps doesn't and IF this is the case then surely its time to say goodbye.

Or just hang out having the benefits of a relationship without having to feel obliged to do all the boring ‘couple’ crap.
OP, sounds like you’re into a good thing, just go out with your mates in NYE and see her when you’re hung over
Don’t want to offend you, but your offer of watching a crap film on you’re first NYE... I can see why she’s not keen, sounds st. It’s the sort of thing you’d be forced to do on you’re 10th NYE when married with young children and an overbearing mortgage... maybe she’s worried you’re a bit boring for her?

[Steve91]

Cheers for the replies everyone, I'll add more info when I'm on a break.

Plate spinner said:

Or just hang out having the benefits of a relationship without having to feel obliged to do all the boring ‘couple’ crap.
OP, sounds like you’re into a good thing, just go out with your mates in NYE and see her when you’re hung over
Don’t want to offend you, but your offer of watching a crap film on you’re first NYE... I can see why she’s not keen, sounds st. It’s the sort of thing you’d be forced to do on you’re 10th NYE when married with young children and an overbearing mortgage... maybe she’s worried you’re a bit boring for her?

We'd been planning on going out, but she's at work at 7am the day after, so that puts paid to that!

[Four Litre]

FocusRS3 said:

Steve91 said:

I'm in kinda a similar situation. Been together about 6 months when she says that she doesn't see a future for us together. Fair enough, doesn't always work out. We leave it a week and start seeing each other again casually maybe once a week.

Another 6 months down the line, I'm at hers 5 nights a week and things are going great. We've booked a holiday for march, and we've been talking about a big holiday ( 2 weeks in the Caribbean) in September, so hopefully you'd understand that I'm feeling good about us.

I ask whether she wants to spend NYE in with a Chinese and a bad movie, for her to say that she's not sure, because it's "a couply thing to do, and we're not a couple"

I shouldn't be surprised, but it hurt a little. I know you're all going to say to walk away now, but the truth is we make each other really happy at the moment.

Odd one this in that it’s almost like she is happy to plan for a few months ahead to have things to look forward to but always sees herself moving
on at some stage.

If that works for you go with it, if not maybe look elsewhere yourself.

Personally I’d just feel like I was being used until the next best thing comes along.......

+1 on that, would feel like being used as a stop gap until something better (in her eyes) comes along.

Book a holiday with a mate instead (main summer one)

[Fckitdriveon]

Steve91 said:

We'd been planning on going out, but she's at work at 7am the day after, so that puts paid to that!

Does sound like you’re at her beck and call, try to be abit more unavailable, not in a game playing way but broaden your horizons and don’t make every day about her , it ll pay dividends for your well being, and will signal to her that she’s not the be all and end all. Then what will be will be .

[Steve91]

Fckitdriveon said:

Does sound like you’re at her beck and call, try to be abit more unavailable, not in a game playing way but broaden your horizons and don’t make every day about her , it ll pay dividends for your well being, and will signal to her that she’s not the be all and end all. Then what will be will be .

You're pretty on the money there. She's a chef, so works unusual hours, so I might get a text at 11pm asking me to come over. I've made it clear that I want a proper relationship from her but I know it's not going to happen.

There's no "other guy" as some people might elude to, she just says that she's not after a relationship at the moment. I am, however back on dating sites and starting to look around, and she's aware of this.

[FocusRS3]

Steve91 said:

You're pretty on the money there. She's a chef, so works unusual hours, so I might get a text at 11pm asking me to come over. I've made it clear that I want a proper relationship from her but I know it's not going to happen.

There's no "other guy" as some people might elude to, she just says that she's not after a relationship at the moment. I am, however back on dating sites and starting to look around, and she's aware of this.

She's aware of this ? Has she said how she feels about it? Most women would go potty.

Sounds like for her it 'suits for now' and shes happy to drift along with it unless she has made it clear that she has no interest in a relationship with anyone ?

[zarjaz1991]

Steve91 said:

We'd been planning on going out, but she's at work at 7am the day after, so that puts paid to that!

Well you go out then. Either with some friends, or even on your own. Since she's stated you're not a couple, she doesn't get to control when you go out or who you go out with (she shouldn't if you WERE a couple either, but that's another thread).

You invited her out with you for New Year's Eve, she said no, that's fine but it doesn't stop you going out.

[Lincsls1]

Steve91 said:

You're pretty on the money there. She's a chef, so works unusual hours, so I might get a text at 11pm asking me to come over. I've made it clear that I want a proper relationship from her but I know it's not going to happen.

There's no "other guy" as some people might elude to, she just says that she's not after a relationship at the moment. I am, however back on dating sites and starting to look around, and she's aware of this.

Hmmm. You want a 'proper' relationship, she doesn't. I know it might be hard, but I'd walk now.
You're back on the dating scene, you need a clean sheet so you can give this a proper try, if you're still seeing this girl and you clearly are emotionally attached then it will make finding someone else that's right for you harder.

[Fckitdriveon]

Lincsls1 said:

Steve91 said:

You're pretty on the money there. She's a chef, so works unusual hours, so I might get a text at 11pm asking me to come over. I've made it clear that I want a proper relationship from her but I know it's not going to happen.

There's no "other guy" as some people might elude to, she just says that she's not after a relationship at the moment. I am, however back on dating sites and starting to look around, and she's aware of this.

Hmmm. You want a 'proper' relationship, she doesn't. I know it might be hard, but I'd walk now.
You're back on the dating scene, you need a clean sheet so you can give this a proper try, if you're still seeing this girl and you clearly are emotionally attached then it will make finding someone else that's right for you harder.

We ve all been there, I’ve certainly been guilty of dangling women , and that was my MO. I d see who I could ‘hook’ whenever it suited me.

You know yourself that this has limited scope moving forwards, if you’re truly content with your situation as it is then that’s fine. However as you’ve alluded to I m not sure that’s the case.
You can’t make her someone she isn’t , no matter how much you went too.
It’s rarely as easy just sacking her off, but ask yourself the question - if you know that this probably isn’t going anywhere, and isn’t ultimately what you want , what are you doing?!

Without trying to sound too profound - I’ve learnt that time is the greatest gift you can give someone , it’s the only thing you can’t get back, give it wisely.

[funkyrobot]

I feel like I should post an update.

Been an ok few months. I still get the nagging and things thrown back in my face. However, I just ignore it and rise above it now.

My main priority is my daughter and I will do everything I can to make sure nothing happens in front of her.

Saying that though, the last few days have been difficult. My wife and daughter were away with her family for a long weekend. I had to work so couldn't go.

Upon her return, she instantly turned nasty towards me. I'm wondering if the family time has led to chats about our marriage etc. Maybe ideas have been planted? Maybe her family have told her to move on? I don't know. All I know is she has come back in a foul mood.

This isn't unusual and is just maintaining the pattern of behaviour I have dealt with over the last few years.

What will happen in the immediate future? I don't know. I do know that I've moved on from the petty arguments and just leave her to it.

Maybe 2020 will finally see a split? Watch this space.

I'm not leaving the house though. My wife had mentioned some things about her ability to cope with our daughter. I need to keep an eye on that too.

Happy new year everyone.

[FocusRS3]

funkyrobot said:

I feel like I should post an update.

Been an ok few months. I still get the nagging and things thrown back in my face. However, I just ignore it and rise above it now.

My main priority is my daughter and I will do everything I can to make sure nothing happens in front of her.

Saying that though, the last few days have been difficult. My wife and daughter were away with her family for a long weekend. I had to work so couldn't go.

Upon her return, she instantly turned nasty towards me. I'm wondering if the family time has led to chats about our marriage etc. Maybe ideas have been planted? Maybe her family have told her to move on? I don't know. All I know is she has come back in a foul mood.

This isn't unusual and is just maintaining the pattern of behaviour I have dealt with over the last few years.

What will happen in the immediate future? I don't know. I do know that I've moved on from the petty arguments and just leave her to it.

Maybe 2020 will finally see a split? Watch this space.

I'm not leaving the house though. My wife had mentioned some things about her ability to cope with our daughter. I need to keep an eye on that too.

Happy new year everyone.

Just WOW, it must be like living in a pressure cooker knowing it will blow but not knowing exactly when and to what degree.

How long has this been going on ?

I know i couldn't handle it personally but well done hanging on in there for your daughter.

I've been with my wife for 30yrs, married for 21 (now 51yrs old) no way could i ever see my wife behaving like that.

Assuming you've done the counselling stuff etc