The Alternative Guide to British Motoring History
Discussion
Hi Y'all! 
couldn't help but notice that some of you are a bit quiet at the moment.
Maybe it's post holiday weather blues or something and you need something to cheer you up (in time for Christmas). So, with the permission of Ted, I give you my:
Alternative Guide to British Motoring History
The era of British motoring history began during the Roman occupation, when the first "chariot-ways" were built arond 46 ad by Emporer Austin.
Being a chariot enthusiast he bemoaned the fact that his new "Posting" had no "chariot ways" on which to race with his friends. The Britons, it seemed, at the time were more interested in: Painting each other blue.
Not one to be daunted he set his troops (and some bemused Britons) to work building a chariot way between Lvndinium and Byr-mingham. (the Brits, it seemed could not understand why anyone would want to go to Byr-mingham).
To raise the money to build the "chariot way" he introduced the "Woad Tax".
This was to disuade them from painting each other, and to "Romanise" them into getting them used to paying taxes, AND providing the money for the new Strada! A nice early example of early taxation to achieve social engineering!
The term: "Woad tax" however stuck! And evolved over time into the "Road tax" that we know today, (road,....woad....yes? ...Oh well! please yourselves!) "Road" therefore becoming the first post Roman, British word, Er! apart from tax, that is.
Once built, races were held along these "roads" or "tracks" and they soon became very popular amongst the locals, many of whom began to take part themselves in these "track days" buying second hand chariots from: "Markivs & Spenciovs" a Jewish Chariot Dealership in C'ofentriovs.
So popular did this become, that the Brit's STOPPED painting each other Blue and took up: "Chariot racing" instead, (much to the annoyance of their wives) who, "rather enjoyed" being "painted Blue" Leading to many a "Domestic" in Brit households, like:"All you ever think about is that Bloody Chariot! What about me then? Don't I count?) When did you last paint me Blue, Hey?)However, I digress.
As the years went by, more and more chariot ways were built, resulting in a network of "Autostrada's" on which many a Chariot race was held, most famous of these were the routes North. Autostrada's 1 and 6 (A1 & A6) soon became firm favourites in the "Rally Britannicus" or "RAC Rally" Rundum Albion Circulem) as it later became known, was born.
Austin, never one to miss an opportunity, founded a Chariot making factory in C'ofentriovs, by then a well known Chariot making centre.
Calling it "Austin" his chariots were cheap and there available to the local populace. He, and his chariots soon became known as: "Austin of England", the 4 hp basic sports model being MOST popular amongst the Brit's.
His creations were however flawed, suffering from poor quality design and finish, resulting in unreliability. Faster more reliable Italian models were supreme in the market.
And so, Austin, sold his company to a Tuscan Centurian called TreVoR who had a Villa in Blackpool.It's not known what became of the Marques.(anyone here know?)
Austin was not the only Roman to develope the Chariot. Pontious Pilot had one made, pulled by 8 horses in a "V" configuration, known as the V8 Pilot.
The first truly British chariot was built by a man from the Midlands called "Morris". Being small and light, it was highly manoeuvrable but never had the speed to compete with the opposition. It did however, do well at hill climbs!
Known as MG's, they are still in production today. The "Spinner" wheel fixing only being dropped when it became politically incorrect to: "cut someone up".
Charioteer's were the Stars of the day of course and people like:
Hairy Ben A bricky by trade on hadrians wall
Senna Pod The fastest mover in the field
and
Heman Welly Fangio A road builder of Irish-Italian descent
Hero's to the many! ALL!
Public transport has of course played it's part in our history of mobility. The Stagecoach was once King of the road.
But, then as now, there were problems of reliable schedules. Was it not the Highwayman Dick Turpin himself who first observed (whilst secreting himself on a road near York), said: "Damn and Blast it! You wait all day for one, and then.....Bloody three come along at ONCE!.......5 ft apart!
Coaching Inns, of course have also played their role, and can still be visited today having changed little.
The beer is still warm, overpriced, and served with a grunt! The local "ladies" are of course still there to seperate the traveller from his wallet.
Things have of course changed from those days. Highwaymen no longer prowl our roads in search of victims, but their descendents can still be found in the employ of the many "Speed camera Partnerships" which abound.
Known as "Speed Finder Generals". They are a growing menace to our society. Chief amongst these is: Steve 60 a day Callaghan who lurks in the picturesque lake district area, frequently near "Ings".
Snares, are also used to catch the unsuspecting traveller. Known as Gatso's, & Truvelo's, these and many other hideous devices are used to extract money from the unwary. The profits being distributed among the participants of the Scam, the Camera Operators, the Police, Local Authorities, and a man known only as: "Gordon".
But! It isn't all Doom and Gloom! folks! The story of course is not yet ended.
Hero's like: "Capt Gatso" and others have arisen to fight the tyranny.
The History of our much loved roads and by-ways goes on.
And we still have, Rolls Royce, Bentley, Aston Martin, Jaguar, TVR, Lotus,MG, Caterham and many , many more chariots to drool over.
P.S. Don't forget the "little woman, she needs painting blue tonight.
8Pack
>>> Edited by 8Pack on Tuesday 30th November 03:46
couldn't help but notice that some of you are a bit quiet at the moment. Maybe it's post holiday weather blues or something and you need something to cheer you up (in time for Christmas). So, with the permission of Ted, I give you my:
Alternative Guide to British Motoring History
The era of British motoring history began during the Roman occupation, when the first "chariot-ways" were built arond 46 ad by Emporer Austin.
Being a chariot enthusiast he bemoaned the fact that his new "Posting" had no "chariot ways" on which to race with his friends. The Britons, it seemed, at the time were more interested in: Painting each other blue.
Not one to be daunted he set his troops (and some bemused Britons) to work building a chariot way between Lvndinium and Byr-mingham. (the Brits, it seemed could not understand why anyone would want to go to Byr-mingham).
To raise the money to build the "chariot way" he introduced the "Woad Tax".
This was to disuade them from painting each other, and to "Romanise" them into getting them used to paying taxes, AND providing the money for the new Strada! A nice early example of early taxation to achieve social engineering!
The term: "Woad tax" however stuck! And evolved over time into the "Road tax" that we know today, (road,....woad....yes? ...Oh well! please yourselves!) "Road" therefore becoming the first post Roman, British word, Er! apart from tax, that is.
Once built, races were held along these "roads" or "tracks" and they soon became very popular amongst the locals, many of whom began to take part themselves in these "track days" buying second hand chariots from: "Markivs & Spenciovs" a Jewish Chariot Dealership in C'ofentriovs.
So popular did this become, that the Brit's STOPPED painting each other Blue and took up: "Chariot racing" instead, (much to the annoyance of their wives) who, "rather enjoyed" being "painted Blue" Leading to many a "Domestic" in Brit households, like:"All you ever think about is that Bloody Chariot! What about me then? Don't I count?) When did you last paint me Blue, Hey?)However, I digress.
As the years went by, more and more chariot ways were built, resulting in a network of "Autostrada's" on which many a Chariot race was held, most famous of these were the routes North. Autostrada's 1 and 6 (A1 & A6) soon became firm favourites in the "Rally Britannicus" or "RAC Rally" Rundum Albion Circulem) as it later became known, was born.
Austin, never one to miss an opportunity, founded a Chariot making factory in C'ofentriovs, by then a well known Chariot making centre.
Calling it "Austin" his chariots were cheap and there available to the local populace. He, and his chariots soon became known as: "Austin of England", the 4 hp basic sports model being MOST popular amongst the Brit's.
His creations were however flawed, suffering from poor quality design and finish, resulting in unreliability. Faster more reliable Italian models were supreme in the market.
And so, Austin, sold his company to a Tuscan Centurian called TreVoR who had a Villa in Blackpool.It's not known what became of the Marques.(anyone here know?)
Austin was not the only Roman to develope the Chariot. Pontious Pilot had one made, pulled by 8 horses in a "V" configuration, known as the V8 Pilot.
The first truly British chariot was built by a man from the Midlands called "Morris". Being small and light, it was highly manoeuvrable but never had the speed to compete with the opposition. It did however, do well at hill climbs!
Known as MG's, they are still in production today. The "Spinner" wheel fixing only being dropped when it became politically incorrect to: "cut someone up".
Charioteer's were the Stars of the day of course and people like:
Hairy Ben A bricky by trade on hadrians wall
Senna Pod The fastest mover in the field
and
Heman Welly Fangio A road builder of Irish-Italian descent
Hero's to the many! ALL!
Public transport has of course played it's part in our history of mobility. The Stagecoach was once King of the road.
But, then as now, there were problems of reliable schedules. Was it not the Highwayman Dick Turpin himself who first observed (whilst secreting himself on a road near York), said: "Damn and Blast it! You wait all day for one, and then.....Bloody three come along at ONCE!.......5 ft apart!
Coaching Inns, of course have also played their role, and can still be visited today having changed little.
The beer is still warm, overpriced, and served with a grunt! The local "ladies" are of course still there to seperate the traveller from his wallet. Things have of course changed from those days. Highwaymen no longer prowl our roads in search of victims, but their descendents can still be found in the employ of the many "Speed camera Partnerships" which abound.
Known as "Speed Finder Generals". They are a growing menace to our society. Chief amongst these is: Steve 60 a day Callaghan who lurks in the picturesque lake district area, frequently near "Ings".
Snares, are also used to catch the unsuspecting traveller. Known as Gatso's, & Truvelo's, these and many other hideous devices are used to extract money from the unwary. The profits being distributed among the participants of the Scam, the Camera Operators, the Police, Local Authorities, and a man known only as: "Gordon".
But! It isn't all Doom and Gloom! folks! The story of course is not yet ended.
Hero's like: "Capt Gatso" and others have arisen to fight the tyranny.
The History of our much loved roads and by-ways goes on.
And we still have, Rolls Royce, Bentley, Aston Martin, Jaguar, TVR, Lotus,MG, Caterham and many , many more chariots to drool over.
P.S. Don't forget the "little woman, she needs painting blue tonight.
8Pack >>> Edited by 8Pack on Tuesday 30th November 03:46
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