Family Law advice - father considering allergies irrelevant
Discussion
After some advice on how to handle a situation I find myself in.
Context - I'm the stepdad to two great kids, it feels a bit odd typing that, as they've lived with me since very young and are now wonderfully maturing seven and nine.
They see their dad for one night a fortnight. He pays a tenner a week maintenance, when he remembers. Lives with his dad (and 3 other siblings), and sleeps on a foldaway mattress on the kitchen floor. When the kids go over, one of his brothers stays at his girlfriend's house so the kids can sleep in his bed.
A few years ago, we got a puppy. A mental, lovely Border Collie. However, it quickly became apparent that my daughter is pretty badly allergic to dogs, leading to the use of an asthma inhaler and a couple of trips to A&E. With regret, we rehomed the dog to a great couple.
We have two cats, who don't go into the bedrooms.
(I know a lot of the above is irrelevant, but wanted to give a fairly full picture.)
Fast forward to today. During the school holidays, they spent a week at their dad's. Upon returning, we noticed that her breathing was appalling - visit to the Doc's and she was back on an inhaler for a few weeks until it cleared.
The last two months, we've had some renovation work done - dust everywhere and again, breathing problems.
So, we took her back to the Doc's who did allergy testing - results came back this week, she's pretty badly allergic to both animal hair and dustmites. However, as she doesn't display any issues normally at home, the doc told us that she clearly wasn't effected by our cats.
Well this weekend was his weekend to have them. My missus drove over to his house to drop them off (he doesn't drive and his parents couldn't be bothered this week to pick them up). What she saw has rocked her - thick layers of dust and animal hair everywhere. The brother has a long haired cat, who lives in his bedroom as the two dogs would kill it otherwise...
She explained the allergy issue. Explained that we've been told repeated exposure (and her getting older) will make the reactions worse. Explained (and gave printouts) of the advice given by the doc to reduce exposure (key element we've been told is sleeping in an environment with animal hair and mites).
To which he laughed, and said it's only a little thing and not to get knickers in twist. When my O/H asked if she could sleep in a room where there aren't animals, he aggressively told her that this was stupid, and that his sister's would never agree to this. Shaken (and outnumbered), my other half left him to it.
Kids have come back. He's had a go at my daughter for 'making a fuss', and not asked his sister's if they'd consider doing what his brother does, by staying at their boyfriend's house one night (extra) a fortnight. Her breathing is bad, her eyes are puffy, and she's just had to use the inhaler. Clearly, her reactions are worsening - and left unchecked we've been told this could develop into something pretty serious.
Yet he just doesn't care. As far as he's concerned it's just a few sniffles, and it's too much effort to clean the house or provide an animal free environment for sleeping.
What can we do? I'm aware that the rules have changed so it's not necessarily the Father's right to see the child, but the Child's right to see their parents (AIUI).
He's a waste of space, but he's their Dad. So we don't care about the lack of payment (he works cash in hand for his dad as a labourer), or the habitual drinking to excess every weekend they're there. As long as the kids are safe and happy, he can do whatever he wants. What we do care about is causing lasting health issues for our daughter.
Thanks for reading. Conscious I probably come across badly, but am hacked right off. Don't think I'm over-reacting considering the doc's advice, but am willing to be corrected.
Sam
Context - I'm the stepdad to two great kids, it feels a bit odd typing that, as they've lived with me since very young and are now wonderfully maturing seven and nine.
They see their dad for one night a fortnight. He pays a tenner a week maintenance, when he remembers. Lives with his dad (and 3 other siblings), and sleeps on a foldaway mattress on the kitchen floor. When the kids go over, one of his brothers stays at his girlfriend's house so the kids can sleep in his bed.
A few years ago, we got a puppy. A mental, lovely Border Collie. However, it quickly became apparent that my daughter is pretty badly allergic to dogs, leading to the use of an asthma inhaler and a couple of trips to A&E. With regret, we rehomed the dog to a great couple.
We have two cats, who don't go into the bedrooms.
(I know a lot of the above is irrelevant, but wanted to give a fairly full picture.)
Fast forward to today. During the school holidays, they spent a week at their dad's. Upon returning, we noticed that her breathing was appalling - visit to the Doc's and she was back on an inhaler for a few weeks until it cleared.
The last two months, we've had some renovation work done - dust everywhere and again, breathing problems.
So, we took her back to the Doc's who did allergy testing - results came back this week, she's pretty badly allergic to both animal hair and dustmites. However, as she doesn't display any issues normally at home, the doc told us that she clearly wasn't effected by our cats.
Well this weekend was his weekend to have them. My missus drove over to his house to drop them off (he doesn't drive and his parents couldn't be bothered this week to pick them up). What she saw has rocked her - thick layers of dust and animal hair everywhere. The brother has a long haired cat, who lives in his bedroom as the two dogs would kill it otherwise...
She explained the allergy issue. Explained that we've been told repeated exposure (and her getting older) will make the reactions worse. Explained (and gave printouts) of the advice given by the doc to reduce exposure (key element we've been told is sleeping in an environment with animal hair and mites).
To which he laughed, and said it's only a little thing and not to get knickers in twist. When my O/H asked if she could sleep in a room where there aren't animals, he aggressively told her that this was stupid, and that his sister's would never agree to this. Shaken (and outnumbered), my other half left him to it.
Kids have come back. He's had a go at my daughter for 'making a fuss', and not asked his sister's if they'd consider doing what his brother does, by staying at their boyfriend's house one night (extra) a fortnight. Her breathing is bad, her eyes are puffy, and she's just had to use the inhaler. Clearly, her reactions are worsening - and left unchecked we've been told this could develop into something pretty serious.
Yet he just doesn't care. As far as he's concerned it's just a few sniffles, and it's too much effort to clean the house or provide an animal free environment for sleeping.
What can we do? I'm aware that the rules have changed so it's not necessarily the Father's right to see the child, but the Child's right to see their parents (AIUI).
He's a waste of space, but he's their Dad. So we don't care about the lack of payment (he works cash in hand for his dad as a labourer), or the habitual drinking to excess every weekend they're there. As long as the kids are safe and happy, he can do whatever he wants. What we do care about is causing lasting health issues for our daughter.
Thanks for reading. Conscious I probably come across badly, but am hacked right off. Don't think I'm over-reacting considering the doc's advice, but am willing to be corrected.
Sam
Edited by Sway on Sunday 16th November 17:00
No, I didn't know that, hence the thread. How does one go about doing so?
Oh, and I never said he was a drunk - but the family consider every weekend night an opportunity to drink excessively.
I also never said he sees them religiously - there have been extended periods where he was 'too busy' as he managed to get a girlfriend. He often changes the days he has them arbitrarily. He regularly cannot be bothered to get a bus to pick the kids up, so my other half takes them there so they get to see him.
Everything I've written is true - of course from your keyboard you can read I'm lying, can't you?
Oh, and I never said he was a drunk - but the family consider every weekend night an opportunity to drink excessively.
I also never said he sees them religiously - there have been extended periods where he was 'too busy' as he managed to get a girlfriend. He often changes the days he has them arbitrarily. He regularly cannot be bothered to get a bus to pick the kids up, so my other half takes them there so they get to see him.
Everything I've written is true - of course from your keyboard you can read I'm lying, can't you?
Can't help with the parental aspect I'm afraid.
All I can say is that it sounds like you need to get her on a good antihistamine and/or a nasal spray. One of each every night without fail and she may find it helps wonders. I've got allergies (albeit a lot milder it would seem) to dogs, cats, horses, dust, the lot. But one antihistamine and a nose spray nightly before bed and it's pretty much controlled. Amazing the difference it can make.
Good luck with it all.
All I can say is that it sounds like you need to get her on a good antihistamine and/or a nasal spray. One of each every night without fail and she may find it helps wonders. I've got allergies (albeit a lot milder it would seem) to dogs, cats, horses, dust, the lot. But one antihistamine and a nose spray nightly before bed and it's pretty much controlled. Amazing the difference it can make.
Good luck with it all.
Mk3Spitfire said:
Can't help with the parental aspect I'm afraid.
All I can say is that it sounds like you need to get her on a good antihistamine and/or a nasal spray. One of each every night without fail and she may find it helps wonders. I've got allergies (albeit a lot milder it would seem) to dogs, cats, horses, dust, the lot. But one antihistamine and a nose spray nightly before bed and it's pretty much controlled. Amazing the difference it can make.
Good luck with it all.
Cheers chap, she's on both...All I can say is that it sounds like you need to get her on a good antihistamine and/or a nasal spray. One of each every night without fail and she may find it helps wonders. I've got allergies (albeit a lot milder it would seem) to dogs, cats, horses, dust, the lot. But one antihistamine and a nose spray nightly before bed and it's pretty much controlled. Amazing the difference it can make.
Good luck with it all.
I would suggest the mother speaks with the father and explains the situation again.
If he won't listen and make any changes and the child is really suffering then the mother has little choice but refuse to allow the child/children to go to his house. The mother could suggest he has contact at your house or takes them out for the day etc.
Ultimately the decision is either
refuse/restrict access if he doesn't comply or allow them to go anyway.
Both of the above set mother and father on a path of angry finger pointing at best where ultimately the losers are the children.
So the best thing to do is to get mother to speak with father and resolve the issue.
If he won't listen and make any changes and the child is really suffering then the mother has little choice but refuse to allow the child/children to go to his house. The mother could suggest he has contact at your house or takes them out for the day etc.
Ultimately the decision is either
refuse/restrict access if he doesn't comply or allow them to go anyway.
Both of the above set mother and father on a path of angry finger pointing at best where ultimately the losers are the children.
So the best thing to do is to get mother to speak with father and resolve the issue.
PurpleMoonlight said:
Amazing how often the dad is a waste of space drunk who works cash in hand, yet religiously sees his children.
Nevertheless, the mother has the power to stop contact if she wishes because she is the resident parent. Which you probably know already.
By 'The power'. Do you mean 'The right'. Or do you mean it purely because she has them at home with her. ?Nevertheless, the mother has the power to stop contact if she wishes because she is the resident parent. Which you probably know already.
OP if your partner truly believes that this situation will
have a detrimental effect on her daughters health then she, after trying to discuss it with the child's Father fruitlessly by the sound of it must take the matter to the family court immediately, but until then must not stop access.
I have always thought it incumbent on the 'step father', to try and establish a relationship with his step children's Father, in order to have a open and frank discussion if things like the arise. I take it you have not done this.
ruff'n'smov said:
By 'The power'. Do you mean 'The right'. Or do you mean it purely because she has them at home with her. ?
OP if your partner truly believes that this situation will
have a detrimental effect on her daughters health then she, after trying to discuss it with the child's Father fruitlessly by the sound of it must take the matter to the family court immediately, but until then must not stop access.
I have always thought it incumbent on the 'step father', to try and establish a relationship with his step children's Father, in order to have a open and frank discussion if things like the arise. I take it you have not done this.
I have tried, the issue I have is his complete lack of responsibility for anything. It's always someone else's fault or 'too difficult'. OP if your partner truly believes that this situation will
have a detrimental effect on her daughters health then she, after trying to discuss it with the child's Father fruitlessly by the sound of it must take the matter to the family court immediately, but until then must not stop access.
I have always thought it incumbent on the 'step father', to try and establish a relationship with his step children's Father, in order to have a open and frank discussion if things like the arise. I take it you have not done this.
Such as it is, I would find it virtually impossible to keep my temper (and I'm a fairly easy going bloke), and I'm concerned the results of that would be far less productive for the children, who would be there to witness it.
Despite raising the kids, and giving them a life they wouldn't have a hope of living if they were with him, he refuses to engage me in conversation about them and goes straight to insults - spoiling for me to hit him (he has done this a few times with other people when with my O/H, each time more than willing to press charges for assault etc.)...
She tried to have another conversation when he dropped the kids off, and his response was such that I did bite (spiteful comments designed to hurt my O/H). Inserted myself between them, told him to MTFU and do what's best for the kids. Then slammed the door before doing something I'd regret. I have far more to lose than him, and he knows it.
Thanks for the advice re: family court, will do some searching.
As a step-dad of ten years standing I think I'd be working back to the basics - speak to the children about what they actually want to do, explain about the health difficulties, find out if they'd like to remove sleeping contact if that were an option. The biggest challenge here is to avoid leading questions ("you don't want to sleep at your dad's, do you?") and glean what the children genuinely want.
Contact is for the childrens' benefit, not anybody else's, so if sleeping there is making your daughter unwell then perhaps he should be taking them out daytime and letting them sleep in their own beds. You don't mention what gender your other child is but give the impression that they're sharing a bed; you also don't mention if the dad is across town or 50 miles away. You do however give the impression that there is no formal arrangement or contact order - if so then varying the arrangements is in your partner's hands. Her ex can huff and puff all he likes, but can only force staying contact by going to court. Since he can't offer suitable sleeping arrangements he would have a hard time getting any demand for staying contact met.
Contact is for the childrens' benefit, not anybody else's, so if sleeping there is making your daughter unwell then perhaps he should be taking them out daytime and letting them sleep in their own beds. You don't mention what gender your other child is but give the impression that they're sharing a bed; you also don't mention if the dad is across town or 50 miles away. You do however give the impression that there is no formal arrangement or contact order - if so then varying the arrangements is in your partner's hands. Her ex can huff and puff all he likes, but can only force staying contact by going to court. Since he can't offer suitable sleeping arrangements he would have a hard time getting any demand for staying contact met.
oldcynic said:
As a step-dad of ten years standing I think I'd be working back to the basics - speak to the children about what they actually want to do, explain about the health difficulties, find out if they'd like to remove sleeping contact if that were an option. The biggest challenge here is to avoid leading questions ("you don't want to sleep at your dad's, do you?") and glean what the children genuinely want.
Contact is for the childrens' benefit, not anybody else's, so if sleeping there is making your daughter unwell then perhaps he should be taking them out daytime and letting them sleep in their own beds. You don't mention what gender your other child is but give the impression that they're sharing a bed; you also don't mention if the dad is across town or 50 miles away. You do however give the impression that there is no formal arrangement or contact order - if so then varying the arrangements is in your partner's hands. Her ex can huff and puff all he likes, but can only force staying contact by going to court. Since he can't offer suitable sleeping arrangements he would have a hard time getting any demand for staying contact met.
Thanks. I'll expand a little based on your points/questions.Contact is for the childrens' benefit, not anybody else's, so if sleeping there is making your daughter unwell then perhaps he should be taking them out daytime and letting them sleep in their own beds. You don't mention what gender your other child is but give the impression that they're sharing a bed; you also don't mention if the dad is across town or 50 miles away. You do however give the impression that there is no formal arrangement or contact order - if so then varying the arrangements is in your partner's hands. Her ex can huff and puff all he likes, but can only force staying contact by going to court. Since he can't offer suitable sleeping arrangements he would have a hard time getting any demand for staying contact met.
Lyra (my daughter) is 9. She has already raised (unprompted) that whilst she wants to see her dad, she doesn't like staying there. Both because of how she feels when she's there, and because of the way the family in general behave. She's quite 'delicate' in her behaviour, and they're very boisterous and loud. It overwhelms her, and sometimes scares her (which happens in other environments, we're working with her and the school to help her become more resilient). However, when asked if she really means that she doesn't want to go (we'd never force her) she worries that she's going to upset her dad and so changes her mind...
Rhys (my son) is 7. He's far more easy going, and isn't really fussed as long as he can watch cartoons, ride his bike, play and so on.
They do share a bed at his, top'n'tail with full pyjamas. We've explained that this won't be able to continue for much longer. Sometimes, and I'm not sure of the circumstances, but Rhys shares the double mattress with his dad why Lyra sleeps alone - no hint of any inappropriate behaviour.
The dad is 15 miles away as the crow flies, about 20 on road. There have been a couple of occasions (when schoolfriends have birthday parties on a Sunday morning for example) where it isn't feasible for them to stay over. His response has always been that 'it's not worth coming all that way for a couple of hours'. We've ended up 'swapping' weekends so they do get to see him.
Appreciate your comments, there isn't a formal contact order - is it really as simple as confirming the kids are ok with it (I take your point about not being leading in how it's asked) then telling him no?
Sway said:
She tried to have another conversation when he dropped the kids off, and his response was such that I did bite (spiteful comments designed to hurt my O/H). Inserted myself between them, told him to MTFU and do what's best for the kids. Then slammed the door before doing something I'd regret. I have far more to lose than him, and he knows it.
Thanks for the advice re: family court, will do some searching.
It sounds like you need to start communicating in writing - a clear, concise letter setting out the facts, avoiding emotion, and setting out the options going forward. Stick to the subject in hand - I found the more material we included in a letter, the more irrelevant bullsThanks for the advice re: family court, will do some searching.
t we got back.Regarding the family court I would suggest this is poor advice unless the children are already the subject of a contact order. If they are then you would potentially need to apply to court to vary the order, and copies of correspondence (see above) demonstrating that you have tried to resolve these differences without going to court will be a good thing.
Sway said:
Appreciate your comments, there isn't a formal contact order - is it really as simple as confirming the kids are ok with it (I take your point about not being leading in how it's asked) then telling him no?
Essentially yes - then the ball is in his court to negotiate appropriate arrangements.If he took it to court he would most likely get alternate weekends, 5 days Christmas and Easter and 2 weeks in the summer except that the judge will take into account whether he has appropriate accomodation and what the children actually want. In the circumstances you describe I don't see you've got anything to lose - he sounds too f
king lazy to go to court and would need to get his house in order first.
Thanks fella.
Very much doubt he'd take it to court.
Far more likely to find damage to my car or a broken living room window (they have form).
Can live with that as long as the kids are happy.
Written communication is noted - just had a chat with other half who thinks getting Lyra to write the letter may get the message across better than if she or I did so...
Sway said:
Thanks fella.
Very much doubt he'd take it to court.
Far more likely to find damage to my car or a broken living room window (they have form).
Can live with that as long as the kids are happy.
Written communication is noted - just had a chat with other half who thinks getting Lyra to write the letter may get the message across better than if she or I did so...
Just to say again, get it all in writing and then it will not end up in a slanging match.
But I think eventually she ll not want to go If shes goin to be short of breath every time she goes.
Fab32 said:
oldcynic has given you some excellent advice but I wouldn't let the kids write the letter/s I would get you wife to write it and send it in her name.
I was going to reply earlier and say what an excellent idea it would be for your daughter to write the letter; however I believe Fab32 is right - if the ex blames everyone else for everything, then you need him to blame your partner and not a 9YO girl when he gets angry. As grown-ups it's our job to have a thicker skin.Hopefully your daughter can have contact on her terms in future, although you may need to sympathetically explain to her that her real dad's happiness is not her responsibility but that he is responsible for her welfare when she is under his roof; also that contact is for her benefit, not his.
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