Joke for the BiBs!
Discussion
My ladyfriend in the States just sent me this and I thought there could be no more appropriate forum for it.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says,
"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says,
"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
On a similar note...
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, Lord, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, Lord, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,
but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top.
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods information. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers. Walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing ?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours go!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit !"
After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods information. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers. Walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing ?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours go!"
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss ?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f**king rabbit !"
Gassing Station | Speed, Plod & the Law | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff