Dealing with abusive ex/stalker
Discussion
I’m posting this on behalf of a friend of mine as he doesn’t have a PH account but could do with some advice.
Last year he got involved with a woman and to cut a long story short, it turned abusive. First mentally then physical. He separated off from his friends, cut contact with a lot of people and spent all his time and money on her. But when we did see him, he was a shell of a man and often sported scratches/bruises. Being a big lad 6’4”, we never really thought much of it.
Turns out that she was completely unstable and was conducing a campaign of mental and emotional abuse, along with minor physical abuse. It came to a head when she pushed him through a glass door and he needed to go to hospital. She tried to steal his keys and lock him out of the house.
He told her to get out of his house and gave her a week to do so, whilst he went to his folk’s house.
He went home to find that she had left, but left her stuff there. Queue a load of abusive messages on his phone and threats that he would be sorry etc. if he threw here out. He called her brothers and they said they would come get her stuff, my mate said he didn’t want her to be there (her family knew of her mental history and were supportive of him getting shot).
More threats, so I told him to phone 101, which he did. The brother turned up to get her stuff and when my mate walked out of his house she ran out from the car and tried to get in the house. She then proceeded to lose it outside the house, screaming, shouting etc. So he went into call the cops, only for them to arrive 2 min later. She had called them already, saying her boyfriend had locked her out of her house etc. A bit of explanation and she had to go sit in the police vehicle until her stuff was loaded on to the van. She then said he couldn’t have his motorbike, parked in her garage, back. So the police had to accompany him and her brother to get it.
What followed was months of messages, threats etc. and eventually a report to the police where my mate had to go report to the station, as he was accused of harassing her. The police apologised after being given the crime ref# and looking up all the reports of her. After 2 months of calls, demands for the bed/furniture/money, she gave up.
Fast forward to Dec last year and for 2 weeks, like a fool he got back together with her. Only for her to start up again and also proclaim that she would be trying for a baby. She stole some of his stuff (vacuum cleaner, plates) he bailed and said categorically he wouldn’t be contacting her.
Since the beginning of the year he has blocked all contact, but she keeps getting new numbers, new email addresses etc. to get through to him, most are threats, others are “I’m really lonely, I miss you.”
The last few have been a bit bizarre “If you don’t bring you dog over by Friday, I will go buy another!”
She has threatened to go to his parent’s house (his father is elderly, very ill and mother is a carer). All have been reported to the police as they happen.
But it came to a head last week when the police arrived at his parent’s house, where he has been staying to avoid her for a bit, and arrested him for harassment and stalking. No questions, cuffed him, stuck him in a cell for 18 hours and refused to speak to him. When they let him out, he quoted the crime ref# and was let out in 10 min. Understandalbly this was very distressing for him, he missed a day of work and his parents were very upset.
The police say keep reporting it to 101, which he has been doing, and keeping all the messages etc. but it seemed to do no good. They didn’t even give him the chance to explain, he’s now worried that this will become regular and now she knows he was put in a cell, she is back to the threats.
The police seem not to want to help/be able to. They say as it is a woman in distress, they must arrest him and investigate. He is also worried that if she continues to call them, they will eventually believe her.
The woman is crackers, and turns out had a bad childhood, but it’s no excuse. He says he still feels like a victim, even though he’s left her and is trying to move on. He worries constantly about going out and leaving his parent’s by themselves and also about being out, in case she confronts him. We suspect she has been following him as well.
He’s a top guy and a good friend. Any advice would be welcome.
So far I’ve told him to carry on with the police and contact a lawyer.
What can he do about this going forward?
Apologies for the long post! BTW this is definitely not me as I'm not 6'4 and also have a lovely and sane (as much as any woman can be
) girlfriend.
Last year he got involved with a woman and to cut a long story short, it turned abusive. First mentally then physical. He separated off from his friends, cut contact with a lot of people and spent all his time and money on her. But when we did see him, he was a shell of a man and often sported scratches/bruises. Being a big lad 6’4”, we never really thought much of it.
Turns out that she was completely unstable and was conducing a campaign of mental and emotional abuse, along with minor physical abuse. It came to a head when she pushed him through a glass door and he needed to go to hospital. She tried to steal his keys and lock him out of the house.
He told her to get out of his house and gave her a week to do so, whilst he went to his folk’s house.
He went home to find that she had left, but left her stuff there. Queue a load of abusive messages on his phone and threats that he would be sorry etc. if he threw here out. He called her brothers and they said they would come get her stuff, my mate said he didn’t want her to be there (her family knew of her mental history and were supportive of him getting shot).
More threats, so I told him to phone 101, which he did. The brother turned up to get her stuff and when my mate walked out of his house she ran out from the car and tried to get in the house. She then proceeded to lose it outside the house, screaming, shouting etc. So he went into call the cops, only for them to arrive 2 min later. She had called them already, saying her boyfriend had locked her out of her house etc. A bit of explanation and she had to go sit in the police vehicle until her stuff was loaded on to the van. She then said he couldn’t have his motorbike, parked in her garage, back. So the police had to accompany him and her brother to get it.
What followed was months of messages, threats etc. and eventually a report to the police where my mate had to go report to the station, as he was accused of harassing her. The police apologised after being given the crime ref# and looking up all the reports of her. After 2 months of calls, demands for the bed/furniture/money, she gave up.
Fast forward to Dec last year and for 2 weeks, like a fool he got back together with her. Only for her to start up again and also proclaim that she would be trying for a baby. She stole some of his stuff (vacuum cleaner, plates) he bailed and said categorically he wouldn’t be contacting her.
Since the beginning of the year he has blocked all contact, but she keeps getting new numbers, new email addresses etc. to get through to him, most are threats, others are “I’m really lonely, I miss you.”
The last few have been a bit bizarre “If you don’t bring you dog over by Friday, I will go buy another!”
She has threatened to go to his parent’s house (his father is elderly, very ill and mother is a carer). All have been reported to the police as they happen.
But it came to a head last week when the police arrived at his parent’s house, where he has been staying to avoid her for a bit, and arrested him for harassment and stalking. No questions, cuffed him, stuck him in a cell for 18 hours and refused to speak to him. When they let him out, he quoted the crime ref# and was let out in 10 min. Understandalbly this was very distressing for him, he missed a day of work and his parents were very upset.
The police say keep reporting it to 101, which he has been doing, and keeping all the messages etc. but it seemed to do no good. They didn’t even give him the chance to explain, he’s now worried that this will become regular and now she knows he was put in a cell, she is back to the threats.
The police seem not to want to help/be able to. They say as it is a woman in distress, they must arrest him and investigate. He is also worried that if she continues to call them, they will eventually believe her.
The woman is crackers, and turns out had a bad childhood, but it’s no excuse. He says he still feels like a victim, even though he’s left her and is trying to move on. He worries constantly about going out and leaving his parent’s by themselves and also about being out, in case she confronts him. We suspect she has been following him as well.
He’s a top guy and a good friend. Any advice would be welcome.
So far I’ve told him to carry on with the police and contact a lawyer.
What can he do about this going forward?
Apologies for the long post! BTW this is definitely not me as I'm not 6'4 and also have a lovely and sane (as much as any woman can be
) girlfriend. Wildfire said:
Fast forward to Dec last year and for 2 weeks, like a fool he got back together with her.
Sorry to be harsh but what a plank. I can never understand people who go through hell, come out the other side and still go back for more.Anyway, you answered your own question. Legal advice and the police are a good start.
Point 1. Change his number. Point 2. Don't sleep with a psychopath after breaking up with her. Point 3 raise a complaint with the police. Point 4. Get an injunction. Point 5. Accept responsibility for the resurfacing of this 'problem' - he cant f**k her about as and when he pleases, he's not only wasting his time but everyone else's.
18 hours in a cell with no phone call, no access to give his crime ref, eg at custody to the sarge?
Listen, don't take it the wrong way as I am sure she is a crack pot, but do you believe the whole version of events he is telling you? Because something is not right. If he is as top a guy as you say, why would he be behaving like he is? It is not sane a rational behaviour from him, never mind her!!
As for what to advise, tell him to close his facebook and twitter down, set up again under a false name if he needs to. Change his email, junk his phone number, change his landline etc. And just stay the f
k away from her. It's not hard. She will get bored. But as soon as he engages with the nut job, she is halfway to getting what she wants, ie to mess his life up.
Having said all that, is there even the slightest chance he takes some perverse gratification from it all, everyone likes to feel wanted, even if it is by a wack job?
Listen, don't take it the wrong way as I am sure she is a crack pot, but do you believe the whole version of events he is telling you? Because something is not right. If he is as top a guy as you say, why would he be behaving like he is? It is not sane a rational behaviour from him, never mind her!!
As for what to advise, tell him to close his facebook and twitter down, set up again under a false name if he needs to. Change his email, junk his phone number, change his landline etc. And just stay the f
k away from her. It's not hard. She will get bored. But as soon as he engages with the nut job, she is halfway to getting what she wants, ie to mess his life up. Having said all that, is there even the slightest chance he takes some perverse gratification from it all, everyone likes to feel wanted, even if it is by a wack job?
s3fella said:
18 hours in a cell with no phone call, no access to give his crime ref, eg at custody to the sarge?
Listen, don't take it the wrong way as I am sure she is a crack pot, but do you believe the whole version of events he is telling you? Because something is not right. If he is as top a guy as you say, why would he be behaving like he is? It is not sane a rational behaviour from him, never mind her!!
As for what to advise, tell him to close his facebook and twitter down, set up again under a false name if he needs to. Change his email, junk his phone number, change his landline etc. And just stay the fk away from her. It's not hard. She will get bored. But as soon as he engages with the nut job, she is halfway to getting what she wants, ie to mess his life up.
Having said all that, is there even the slightest chance he takes some perverse gratification from it all, everyone likes to feel wanted, even if it is by a wack job?
Whilst I have to say that it would seem to me that there are three sides to this story (his, hers, the truth) and that he really screwed up when he went back for seconds, we all know that there are good an bad police officers.Listen, don't take it the wrong way as I am sure she is a crack pot, but do you believe the whole version of events he is telling you? Because something is not right. If he is as top a guy as you say, why would he be behaving like he is? It is not sane a rational behaviour from him, never mind her!!
As for what to advise, tell him to close his facebook and twitter down, set up again under a false name if he needs to. Change his email, junk his phone number, change his landline etc. And just stay the f
k away from her. It's not hard. She will get bored. But as soon as he engages with the nut job, she is halfway to getting what she wants, ie to mess his life up. Having said all that, is there even the slightest chance he takes some perverse gratification from it all, everyone likes to feel wanted, even if it is by a wack job?
For some reason, whilst I do have a few concerns about quite how long he was locked up for without any opportunity to explain the situation, it does not seem impossible that nut job has managed to do a full wool over the eyes number on the officers in question.
Anyway - helpful advice - get him to a solicitor specialising in domestic abuse asap and start to talk about injunctions.
Of course we all know though that he has got one hell of a fight on his hands as the whole world of domestic abuse appears skewed towards dealing with vile men and ignores that women are just as likely to be abusers as men, especially in the sense of emotional and mental abuse. The big difference being that too many people allow their prejudice to get in the way and can't see that a 6'4" bloke can be abused by a 5'3" woman.
Ali Chappussy said:
Sorry to be harsh but what a plank. I can never understand people who go through hell, come out the other side and still go back for more.
Anyway, you answered your own question. Legal advice and the police are a good start.
Yep, we all said so!Anyway, you answered your own question. Legal advice and the police are a good start.
But he has admitted it and is fully convinced that she's off her rocker. Even end of last year there was talk of :"maybe she's changed etc. "
Currently she's on the blocked list, but as per curiosity, the keeps checking his email, as he sends he emails to another folder. The number she calls him on is his business phone, which he doesn't want to change as he runs his own business and has had the same number for a while. He gets a fair few unknown's due to dealing with call centres etc.
I have no idea why he went back, everyone though he was nuts, especially as she had mostly given up. I would suspect it's like a battered wife and many other abusive relationships, emotional and mental. Just because it's a guy doesn't mean it's not a similar situation.
The police said it took so long to get to him as they were busy and didn't have someone available to interview him. I only found out he went into the cells at lunch today, but will see if I can get more info.
The police, to be fair, did apologise for him being in so long.
Edited by Wildfire on Wednesday 4th May 16:53
anothernameitist said:
The 18 hours in a cell confuses me.
She keeps getting his new phone numbers and emails How?
Sorry but its not all fitting together.
It also bothers me.She keeps getting his new phone numbers and emails How?
Sorry but its not all fitting together.
As to the answer to your question there are many ways, some legal, others not so legal.
BTW OP has he changed all of his passwords and made sure that there is nothing she has loaded onto his computer, phone, etc that she is using?
Rude-boy said:
It also bothers me.
As to the answer to your question there are many ways, some legal, others not so legal.
BTW OP has he changed all of his passwords and made sure that there is nothing she has loaded onto his computer, phone, etc that she is using?
Yeah, aside from the work phone, the rest is all changed. As to the answer to your question there are many ways, some legal, others not so legal.
BTW OP has he changed all of his passwords and made sure that there is nothing she has loaded onto his computer, phone, etc that she is using?
The only positive thing is that her family are 100% behind him, sorry to see him go, but understand. I think they may have also been on the receiving end of her before.
Cheers people, I will advise him to seek the advice of the police, and get a name of someone he can say if she tries again. Also to have a look in to the injunction.
Regarding him going back to her, is this form of self-harm a psychological trait in some people? i.e. It's not actually him being stupid as such, but he's blinded by some sort of mental condition.
I only ask as there was that recent case of the solicitor who was in an abusive relationship with his wife (her abusing him, not vice versa), he stuck it out and in the end she stabbed him. After she'd stabbed him he went to the pub with her whilst bleeding and pretending everything was fine, then died from heart injuries in bed that night.
As a permanently single and independent man, I just don't understand it, but I presume it's some sort of recognised psychological issue.
I only ask as there was that recent case of the solicitor who was in an abusive relationship with his wife (her abusing him, not vice versa), he stuck it out and in the end she stabbed him. After she'd stabbed him he went to the pub with her whilst bleeding and pretending everything was fine, then died from heart injuries in bed that night.
As a permanently single and independent man, I just don't understand it, but I presume it's some sort of recognised psychological issue.
Blue Oval84 said:
Regarding him going back to her, is this form of self-harm a psychological trait in some people?
My brother seemed to go through a phase of having girlfriends he seemed to want to help out of a rut they were in. That usually meant they were the sort there was no helping. With hindsight that seems to have ended now, but not until a pretty tragic event.I would ask to talk to someone in the Domestic Violence Unit at the local police station. Have a sit down and get advice from them on how to deal with this. I would also get a contact card from them and keep it in a wallet in case of further contact with the police.
A formal complaint to the station where you friend was detained is probably in order as well. Arrest and 18 hours detention without any follow up is out of order. What was said at the booking in stage about the reason for arrest and what response was given by your friend? He should have been able to tell them about here form.
A formal complaint to the station where you friend was detained is probably in order as well. Arrest and 18 hours detention without any follow up is out of order. What was said at the booking in stage about the reason for arrest and what response was given by your friend? He should have been able to tell them about here form.
Blue Oval84 said:
As a permanently single and independent man, I just don't understand it, but I presume it's some sort of recognised psychological issue.
It was definitely a psychological thing when he went back. I think she has narcissistic personality disorder and constantly craves attention. As she abused him for around a year and he went back to her once, every time she finishes with someone or something happens in her life, she goes back to the target she got the most out of.The officer who released my mate was apparently not very happy when she checked the file. She had a word with the arresting officer and they have apologised for holding him.
They've also told the ex that any further contact will result in immediate arrest.
She seems completely mental and unhinged. Who knows whats around the corner if he gets back with her again for sloppy thirds or fouths
She seems like one of these nutters that will always try to push things further.
Don't be surprised if she ends upsetting pregnant and claiming it's his. In the end he'll find out it isn't or even worst that she made the whole thing up and pretended to have a miscarriage.
As others have said tell him to lawyer up get a restraining order and grow a big pair of balls.
She seems like one of these nutters that will always try to push things further.
Don't be surprised if she ends upsetting pregnant and claiming it's his. In the end he'll find out it isn't or even worst that she made the whole thing up and pretended to have a miscarriage.
As others have said tell him to lawyer up get a restraining order and grow a big pair of balls.
Edited by BlueHave on Sunday 8th May 02:19
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