Difficult Ex - Court?
Discussion
After some genuinely helpful advice on my previous thread -
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
I was just wanting to ask how others had got on dealing with difficult ex partners and parenting.
To give you a background on my situation, my ex and I parted company. When my daughter was very young they both moved to Bristol, about 130 miles from where I live. It was actually extremely amicable, I would see my daughter every other weekend. Whilst she was young I'd spend one weekend a month down there and her mother would bring her up to mine on another.
Once old enough we would share the driving me picking up early on a Saturday, the mother picking up on the Sunday with me picking up the fuel bill.
Early last year the ex complains her back is bad so can't do as much driving in one go. So we agree to meet halfway on each day. Which worked surprisingly well, timings always seemed ok and actually it meant me being less shattered having not got up at 5am to pick up my little girl.
Unfortunately since informing my ex that my partner and I were expecting our first child together, things have gone down hill badly.
For starters her partner (now fiance) has pretty much ceased speaking to me. Considering that my daughter lives at his house (although my ex won't admit it) he pretty much avoids eye contact and shrugs off any kind of politeness. Very different from how he was in the first 18 months or so.
Secondly, I used to text my ex to see how our daughter is and get a response. Now I go days without hearing anything, she also tells me nothing about how she's getting on at school. For example my daughter had a nativity play which I only found out about from looking on the school's website, when I asked my ex about it she feigned ignorance, then claimed you had to have tickets which all turned out to be lies.
The last big bombshell was her announcing that because the excess wear the 6k a year was putting on her 4 year old car, she would no longer be doing any driving. Financially I'm no worse off, I've actually been picking up my little girl after work on Fridays but after a long week this is proving exhausting. A full day of work followed by 6 1/2 hours driving is pretty knackering.
It just seems that at every turn, there's another difficulty. Told on Friday that the only swimming lessons she can do are on Sundays so she has to be home for 5.30pm which I had to refuse. I wouldn't otherwise do that but four nights a month and two full days, one of which would be halved is just not on.
I'm just at a bit of a loss as it's become so difficult and awkward. My daughter says things to me that they've clearly told her. Doesn't want my partners parents being referred to as nan/grandad yet her partners parents are etc. Just stuff that has no place being put on a four year old.
Court was the final course of action and sadly it's become a strong consideration. All I actually ever wanted was two weekends a month, couple of holidays as year and some extra time, to hear how my daughter is in between and everyone to just be cool. I'm at a bit of a loss.
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
I was just wanting to ask how others had got on dealing with difficult ex partners and parenting.
To give you a background on my situation, my ex and I parted company. When my daughter was very young they both moved to Bristol, about 130 miles from where I live. It was actually extremely amicable, I would see my daughter every other weekend. Whilst she was young I'd spend one weekend a month down there and her mother would bring her up to mine on another.
Once old enough we would share the driving me picking up early on a Saturday, the mother picking up on the Sunday with me picking up the fuel bill.
Early last year the ex complains her back is bad so can't do as much driving in one go. So we agree to meet halfway on each day. Which worked surprisingly well, timings always seemed ok and actually it meant me being less shattered having not got up at 5am to pick up my little girl.
Unfortunately since informing my ex that my partner and I were expecting our first child together, things have gone down hill badly.
For starters her partner (now fiance) has pretty much ceased speaking to me. Considering that my daughter lives at his house (although my ex won't admit it) he pretty much avoids eye contact and shrugs off any kind of politeness. Very different from how he was in the first 18 months or so.
Secondly, I used to text my ex to see how our daughter is and get a response. Now I go days without hearing anything, she also tells me nothing about how she's getting on at school. For example my daughter had a nativity play which I only found out about from looking on the school's website, when I asked my ex about it she feigned ignorance, then claimed you had to have tickets which all turned out to be lies.
The last big bombshell was her announcing that because the excess wear the 6k a year was putting on her 4 year old car, she would no longer be doing any driving. Financially I'm no worse off, I've actually been picking up my little girl after work on Fridays but after a long week this is proving exhausting. A full day of work followed by 6 1/2 hours driving is pretty knackering.
It just seems that at every turn, there's another difficulty. Told on Friday that the only swimming lessons she can do are on Sundays so she has to be home for 5.30pm which I had to refuse. I wouldn't otherwise do that but four nights a month and two full days, one of which would be halved is just not on.
I'm just at a bit of a loss as it's become so difficult and awkward. My daughter says things to me that they've clearly told her. Doesn't want my partners parents being referred to as nan/grandad yet her partners parents are etc. Just stuff that has no place being put on a four year old.
Court was the final course of action and sadly it's become a strong consideration. All I actually ever wanted was two weekends a month, couple of holidays as year and some extra time, to hear how my daughter is in between and everyone to just be cool. I'm at a bit of a loss.
Sorry to hear of the issues you are experiencing and the growing frustrations you feel. I went through a similar breakup, with my ex moving 100 miles away with our daughter. Keeping out of court is preferable, as things will become more and more confrontational. Just a thought - I guess you were not married, but have you got a written and agreed agreement of times you have with your daughter? Seems like the casual arrangement you started with isn't withstanding the test of time and changing circumstances, and particularly new partners. You absolutely should be informed about things going on at school, and also be able to get an answer when checking she is OK, as long as you're not pestering.
Before you get lawyers involved, and start paying by the minute, would it be possible for you to actually sit down with your ex, and noting that lives are changing as time goes on, actually write down how the next few years are going to map out with respect to your daughter? If she can't do that then clearly you need to escalate, but at least you've given her a chance.
Before you get lawyers involved, and start paying by the minute, would it be possible for you to actually sit down with your ex, and noting that lives are changing as time goes on, actually write down how the next few years are going to map out with respect to your daughter? If she can't do that then clearly you need to escalate, but at least you've given her a chance.
Interesting.
so with your new lady about to give birth in the not too distant is there a case to suggest that your daughter might be just as well off in a stable home with a half sibling than with your ex.
Can you see where i am going here...
Regardless i would suggest that you spend a little money on some proper upfront legal advice before taking it any further. With luck it will just ensure that you know the worst case if you have to get the law involved.
so with your new lady about to give birth in the not too distant is there a case to suggest that your daughter might be just as well off in a stable home with a half sibling than with your ex.
Can you see where i am going here...
Regardless i would suggest that you spend a little money on some proper upfront legal advice before taking it any further. With luck it will just ensure that you know the worst case if you have to get the law involved.
You moved on and now are having a kid with the new partner. Some psycho ex's cant handle that. Hence the problems you are having. it is quite common for issues like this to happen when an ex meets some one else, gets married, has a kid or some other symbol that shows you are living your life not wrapped around the finger of your ex. That seeming loss of control (that never really existed except in her head) seems to push a lot of them over the edge.
Sir Bagalot said:
Regarding school have you contacted them directly asking them to email you directly on events/parents evening etc?
My mate is going through similar issues with his ex over his two boys. One is now 18 so not an issue but his youngest is 12. I'm no legal expert but I believe he had to legally apply for joint parental responsibility. I'm sure once he had this, the school was legally obliged to inform him about parents evenings, etc. Yeah it's always been kind of unwritten but extremely amicable. To be honest her mum was utterly exemplary in how she was when my daughter was young. Pictures sent to me, letting me know what she was up to etc. That continued pretty much for the first two years and I just assumed that's how it would continue. I met someone, she met someone and it was all ok.
Slowly but surely, I was being kept in the dark more and more. After changing how we did the dropping off/picking up, things got very sketchy as to where my daughter is actually living. Is it her mum's place, is it her partners? I would never interrogate my daughter over it but hints about things she'd said plus facts like her pre-school being ten minutes walk from the guys house make it pretty obvious. I have still not had anything confirmed as to where she actually lives. Now I take her home it's always to nan's house as it seems I'm not allowed near either her mums or the partners place.
My second child has actually been born and her big sister is very doting on her. No jealousy at all, if anything she's pretty smitten. I had entirely anticipated that being an issue for the ex and her partner. He has two children which my daughter loves, they've good to her and I'm cool with that. I do wonder if now there's another blood related sister, that's a problem for them as maybe they felt like they had one up? I really don't know as that's pure guess work.
I would preferably like to avoid any legal action. I know financially she's not in a position to really go down that route but I also don't really know how to get my point across to her. For example I e-mailed her last time she tried to change the travel arrangements and her reply was to actually stop doing any driving. She asked about these swimming lessons that encroached on my time with her and she just ignores the e-mail. Sadly I think the only thing that will have an impact is either threatening to make it a legal situation or actually doing so.
Slowly but surely, I was being kept in the dark more and more. After changing how we did the dropping off/picking up, things got very sketchy as to where my daughter is actually living. Is it her mum's place, is it her partners? I would never interrogate my daughter over it but hints about things she'd said plus facts like her pre-school being ten minutes walk from the guys house make it pretty obvious. I have still not had anything confirmed as to where she actually lives. Now I take her home it's always to nan's house as it seems I'm not allowed near either her mums or the partners place.
My second child has actually been born and her big sister is very doting on her. No jealousy at all, if anything she's pretty smitten. I had entirely anticipated that being an issue for the ex and her partner. He has two children which my daughter loves, they've good to her and I'm cool with that. I do wonder if now there's another blood related sister, that's a problem for them as maybe they felt like they had one up? I really don't know as that's pure guess work.
I would preferably like to avoid any legal action. I know financially she's not in a position to really go down that route but I also don't really know how to get my point across to her. For example I e-mailed her last time she tried to change the travel arrangements and her reply was to actually stop doing any driving. She asked about these swimming lessons that encroached on my time with her and she just ignores the e-mail. Sadly I think the only thing that will have an impact is either threatening to make it a legal situation or actually doing so.
Sir Bagalot said:
Regarding school have you contacted them directly asking them to email you directly on events/parents evening etc?
That's exactly what I have done. When I realised my ex wasn't being entirely truthful about the school situation I contacted them directly. I think she was pretty put out that I'd done so but that's tough. They were extremely welcoming and showed me the pictures from my daughters first school trip which I had no idea about. Also found out that all of her paperwork was missing my surname, even though her surname is double barreled. The school said it was a mistake on their part but clearly my ex hasn't corrected it! Edited by Alex_225 on Monday 12th March 14:57
Mumsnet has a real bad rep here, but I suggest you post this there for advice as well.
You're dealing with a woman, and on this forum you're going to get the advice of men... some of whom have been hurt/taken to the cleaners by ex-wives. Their stories, opinions and advice are worth listening too, taking note of and learning from. But if you want to avoid a battle, get advice from women on how to handle this.
Hope it helps, and good luck.
You're dealing with a woman, and on this forum you're going to get the advice of men... some of whom have been hurt/taken to the cleaners by ex-wives. Their stories, opinions and advice are worth listening too, taking note of and learning from. But if you want to avoid a battle, get advice from women on how to handle this.
Hope it helps, and good luck.
Thanks mate. That does make a lot of sense as like you say everyone has an agenda and their own trail of thought on it.
Also men would see things a certain way so female advice is totally welcomed.
That may be the first reference of Mumsnet on Pistonheads that's not meant in a negative way as well! haha
Also men would see things a certain way so female advice is totally welcomed.
That may be the first reference of Mumsnet on Pistonheads that's not meant in a negative way as well! haha
To be fair, there are a couple of places that offer swimming lessons/classes in Bristol on a Sunday.
For the issues you are having, you should start by going to see a mediator. I'm not sure court will actually be of any real benefit as she isn't really withholding contact. What would you want the court to do?
Have you thought about what you are going to do when your daughter gets invited to a friends party on your weekend or as she gets older she wants to do more activities on a weekend?
Personally i would try and keep it as flexible and amicable as possible. Court and threats of court will have the opposite effect.
You might feel that your ex is being an unreasonable b**** atm, but apart from being a little difficult, in the eyes of the court and Cafcass, she isnt really doing anything wrong.
ETA - apart from the living situation thing. She needs to clarify to you her permanent address and that is something the courts could enforce
For the issues you are having, you should start by going to see a mediator. I'm not sure court will actually be of any real benefit as she isn't really withholding contact. What would you want the court to do?
Have you thought about what you are going to do when your daughter gets invited to a friends party on your weekend or as she gets older she wants to do more activities on a weekend?
Personally i would try and keep it as flexible and amicable as possible. Court and threats of court will have the opposite effect.
You might feel that your ex is being an unreasonable b**** atm, but apart from being a little difficult, in the eyes of the court and Cafcass, she isnt really doing anything wrong.
ETA - apart from the living situation thing. She needs to clarify to you her permanent address and that is something the courts could enforce
austinsmirk said:
be surprised if swimming lessons were happening on a Sunday ! my girls have activities on, 5 days a week- Sundays and Friday nights are the only days off. Would a public baths really be open on Sunday for lessons ?
all a bit rubbish though and sorry to hear your plight.
Believe it or not, yes and the ex did actually invite me to see her swim. I was skeptical but checked out the website and it appears to be true but there are also classes on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and I'm sure another day too. The reality is that where she lives is 15-20 minutes drive from the leisure center yet I drop her off two minutes away so it's more convenient for her. Not for me obviously but handy that if I bring my little girl back by 5.30 she hasn't got to do a round trip specifically for it. She works part time so it's not like it's a huge effort as far as I can tell. all a bit rubbish though and sorry to hear your plight.
It's just all the passive aggressive behaviour that does me in as well. For example, I took my daughter our for the day and we all got soaked. Brighton + rain + child adamant she has to walk on the beach = drenched. It was all a bit of fun but the following two weekends when I pick her up, the only shoes I get are wellies. I don't have have shoes and lots of clothes at my place as she grows out of them before she's worn them in most cases. Also, I pay her mum the right amount of maintenance but it's not a small amount per month so think that's only right she provides some clothing (that has stopped anyway). Turns out that due to her shoes getting wet, the sole came off so she sent her up in wellies. It's constant things like that though, rather than just ask it's just all subtle spite.
If it’s still reasonably amicable, it might be worth considering a Parent Plan. You can grab the template off the internet and it has a series of questions to help focus what goes in it. Not legally binding but you both agree on it and sign and date it and having things in black and white can serve to highlight inequality.
Personally I wouldn’t consider court as any good will that still exists will go out the window and you still may not get the outcome you’re after.
Chris
Personally I wouldn’t consider court as any good will that still exists will go out the window and you still may not get the outcome you’re after.
Chris
Christmassss said:
For the issues you are having, you should start by going to see a mediator. I'm not sure court will actually be of any real benefit as she isn't really withholding contact. What would you want the court to do?.....
ETA - apart from the living situation thing. She needs to clarify to you her permanent address and that is something the courts could enforce
I think in terms of court or getting something in formally it would be the following - ETA - apart from the living situation thing. She needs to clarify to you her permanent address and that is something the courts could enforce
A written and agreed routine, without the threat of her changing things or making them difficult
Additional access during holidays
Regular contact from her mum on her schooling/general day to day etc.
Confirmation of where she actually lives
Also, I would like to clarify the situation with travelling. I have been in touch with a family solicitor who said that it's by no means a done deal in terms of splitting travel but she would have to present a good case for why she's not capable of doing so. The reasons she's provider are pretty flawed and her personal circumstances compared to mine mean that time is not really the issue. Like I say, it's not black and white but if it did go as far as court, this is something I'd want taken up. I'd be no worse off if they ruled that I had to do all the driving as I'm doing it now anyway. It's just exhausting having a minimum of 9-10 hours driving each weekend on top of a 65 hours working week (with commuting) when my ex works locally two days a week and our daughter is at school half of the other three.
ScoobyChris said:
If it’s still reasonably amicable, it might be worth considering a Parent Plan. You can grab the template off the internet and it has a series of questions to help focus what goes in it. Not legally binding but you both agree on it and sign and date it and having things in black and white can serve to highlight inequality.
Personally I wouldn’t consider court as any good will that still exists will go out the window and you still may not get the outcome you’re after.
Chris
That's really helpful thank you, I'll look into that. Personally I wouldn’t consider court as any good will that still exists will go out the window and you still may not get the outcome you’re after.
Chris
To be fair, I don't think there is any good from her side at all any more. I recently found out that she'd kicked off at a mutual friend for having me at their wedding. Considering this is literally years after we went our separate ways, there's still a huge issue there. I was genuinely shocked.
esxste said:
Mumsnet has a real bad rep here, but I suggest you post this there for advice as well.
You're dealing with a woman, and on this forum you're going to get the advice of men... some of whom have been hurt/taken to the cleaners by ex-wives. Their stories, opinions and advice are worth listening too, taking note of and learning from. But if you want to avoid a battle, get advice from women on how to handle this.
Hope it helps, and good luck.
This is superb advice.You're dealing with a woman, and on this forum you're going to get the advice of men... some of whom have been hurt/taken to the cleaners by ex-wives. Their stories, opinions and advice are worth listening too, taking note of and learning from. But if you want to avoid a battle, get advice from women on how to handle this.
Hope it helps, and good luck.
Are you on good enough terms to organise a sit down meeting?
Really sorry for you OP. I can 100% relate personally to the next few years for you.
Get legal advice and absolutely get contact nailed down through the children’s courts. You’ll get better outcomes if you can do it without a solicitor, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to the ex’s barrister if she fights back. Coram.org.uk are fantastic advisors for unrepresented dads ... it is all doable.
Record everything... everyday. Always.
Don’t speak about it at all to your daughter... she’ll work it out one day. You must trust this to happen.
The internet is your friend, but only if you’re wise. Use it to email, Skype and generally stay connected, but never publicly rant.
Everything crossed for you as it will be your ‘job’ for the foreseeable. Never give up & get any support whenever you can.
Get legal advice and absolutely get contact nailed down through the children’s courts. You’ll get better outcomes if you can do it without a solicitor, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to the ex’s barrister if she fights back. Coram.org.uk are fantastic advisors for unrepresented dads ... it is all doable.
Record everything... everyday. Always.
Don’t speak about it at all to your daughter... she’ll work it out one day. You must trust this to happen.
The internet is your friend, but only if you’re wise. Use it to email, Skype and generally stay connected, but never publicly rant.
Everything crossed for you as it will be your ‘job’ for the foreseeable. Never give up & get any support whenever you can.
Really sorry for you OP. I can 100% relate personally to the next few years for you.
Get legal advice and absolutely get contact nailed down through the children’s courts. You’ll get better outcomes if you can do it without a solicitor, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to the ex’s barrister if she fights back. Coram.org.uk are fantastic advisors for unrepresented dads ... it is all doable.
Record everything... everyday. Always.
Don’t speak about it at all to your daughter... she’ll work it out one day. You must trust this to happen.
The internet is your friend, but only if you’re wise. Use it to email, Skype and generally stay connected, but never publicly rant.
Everything crossed for you as it will be your ‘job’ for the foreseeable. Never give up & get any support whenever you can.
Get legal advice and absolutely get contact nailed down through the children’s courts. You’ll get better outcomes if you can do it without a solicitor, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to the ex’s barrister if she fights back. Coram.org.uk are fantastic advisors for unrepresented dads ... it is all doable.
Record everything... everyday. Always.
Don’t speak about it at all to your daughter... she’ll work it out one day. You must trust this to happen.
The internet is your friend, but only if you’re wise. Use it to email, Skype and generally stay connected, but never publicly rant.
Everything crossed for you as it will be your ‘job’ for the foreseeable. Never give up & get any support whenever you can.
Fab32 said:
This is superb advice.
Are you on good enough terms to organise a sit down meeting?
We were but I don't think so now. It's not that she is openly aggressive just passive but I suspect if I either suggest it she will dismiss it. Alternatively if I turn up to try and talk to her it'll be a waste of a 130 odd mile round trip. Are you on good enough terms to organise a sit down meeting?
Zedboy said:
Really sorry for you OP. I can 100% relate personally to the next few years for you.
Get legal advice and absolutely get contact nailed down through the children’s courts. You’ll get better outcomes if you can do it without a solicitor, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to the ex’s barrister if she fights back. Coram.org.uk are fantastic advisors for unrepresented dads ... it is all doable.
Record everything... everyday. Always.
Don’t speak about it at all to your daughter... she’ll work it out one day. You must trust this to happen.
The internet is your friend, but only if you’re wise. Use it to email, Skype and generally stay connected, but never publicly rant.
Everything crossed for you as it will be your ‘job’ for the foreseeable. Never give up & get any support whenever you can.
Thanks mate, sounds like you've probably been through it all yourself. I have certainly taken some advice so far and by default I'd be awarded certain things I don't currently get. For example holidays would be split, she'd come to stay with me for half the summer holidays etc. Something that her mum has always argued because I wouldn't be there the whole time but my other half would be along with her little sister and my mum would be too but that's never been valid. Get legal advice and absolutely get contact nailed down through the children’s courts. You’ll get better outcomes if you can do it without a solicitor, but don’t leave yourself vulnerable to the ex’s barrister if she fights back. Coram.org.uk are fantastic advisors for unrepresented dads ... it is all doable.
Record everything... everyday. Always.
Don’t speak about it at all to your daughter... she’ll work it out one day. You must trust this to happen.
The internet is your friend, but only if you’re wise. Use it to email, Skype and generally stay connected, but never publicly rant.
Everything crossed for you as it will be your ‘job’ for the foreseeable. Never give up & get any support whenever you can.
I've just started to keep a note of everything. I have kept e-mails as they're easy to file but also screenshots of my messages after 2-3 days asking how my little girl is without a response. I had a look back through my e-mails and I stand by them. None have been written in anger or as a reaction but all are polite and considered, I'd stand by them.
As for talking to my little girl, I keep everything away from her. I make sure I ask how everyone at home is and never show her any disdain or frustration. She's done nothing wrong and deserves to look forward to coming to stay with her family. Sadly the family her school knew nothing about until I introduced myself.
Like you say, she'll realise more and more. She even asked me if her mum was meeting us at the petrol station shop and I told her that her mummy wasn't meeting us, I'd take her home. She asked why and I just said that mummy had told her she didn't want to, her words 'Poor daddy' and that wasn't me instigating a reaction or pushing her to ask at all. Kids gauge things pretty well and in the long run, her mum may shoot herself in the foot. Who knows.
Thanks for your thoughts, it’s always nice to get a little empathy ... I’m really reassured how you’re rolling. FWIW my older kids have observed the situation and really distanced themselves from the ex. So much so that I’m a single grandparent to my daughter who only invited me to her wedding. That didn’t happen because I persuaded her, it happened because I just did the right thing and made no comments and she choose .... wisely I think too!
The sad thing is no one has to loose ... I just wish the world I battle through didn’t always assume it was the man’s fault. Police, courts, even schools, typecast us all as terrible people, talk about guilty until proved innocent. It’s about time we celebrated Interantional Innocent Divorced Dad day, the day after International Women’s Day?!
The sad thing is no one has to loose ... I just wish the world I battle through didn’t always assume it was the man’s fault. Police, courts, even schools, typecast us all as terrible people, talk about guilty until proved innocent. It’s about time we celebrated Interantional Innocent Divorced Dad day, the day after International Women’s Day?!
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