Access to a car - Shared Asset? (shared parenting question)

[Alex_225]

I don't think the title really helps so I'll try and put into context. I have an ongoing saga with my ex, with whom I have a 5 1/2 year old daughter. I had a thread related here : https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...

My ex chose to move 'home' which is 130 miles away and up until about 16 months ago we met halfway on the weekend I had my daughter with me paying her fuel costs. My ex then out of the blue e-mailed me to tell me she was no longer doing any driving, her reasoning being that it was too much wear and tear on her vehicle (5 year old Dacia Duster diesel) and that was that.

Now since then, I have been working in a local office every other Friday work have been helpful, leaving at 4pm and getting home at about 9.30pm. Then doing the round trip on the Sunday to take my little lady home.

Now there's been a few things going in between, the ex is far from transparent with her life. Nothing detrimental to my daughter but moving in with her now husband but being completely vague about where my daughter was living was one such situation. Pleads poverty when I adjusted monthly money yet rents out her second home etc.

Anyway, I had an occasion recently whereby I had to be in the City meaning I could only leave London at 4.30 so appealed to my ex's 'better' nature and asked if she'd meet me halfway. Of course because the car they had at the time was in her husbands name she had to ask him, he apparently refused so I missed out and had to have an early start on the Saturday.

I half expected it but as a one of in maybe 12 months I thought it was unnecessary.

So recently my ex has a new car, just a little Skoda Fabia nothing flash but her they have also just taken delivery of a brand new Skoda Octavia. They essentially have two perfectly good cars so the excuse that they're not fit for the purpose is null and void but my ex claims they are both her husbands cars?

Does this give her the ability to say she doesn't have access to a vehicle? I think she's under the impression that by saying they're both his (clearly the Fabia is hers) she now has now possible way of doing any kind of driving to pick up or drop off my daughter.

I have been doing 500+ miles every other weekend to pick up my daughter, it's not ideal but I do it but I do find that 5-6 hours driving on a Friday after a full day's work and long week is really hard. Just at a bit of a loss as meeting half way wouldn't do her much harm but not sure if technically she doesn't have a car!

[theboss]

I think you’re over-thinking things personally - is the technicality if whether she owns or has access to a car, or not, something which concerns you? It would seem to me that she is simply being downright obstructive and coming up with any petty excuse fathomable to hinder your contact with the child. Of course she has access to a car - just not for any purpose which involves helping you maintain your contact. It’s disappointing that she is willing to put her own personal agenda ahead of your her daughter’s interests which are served by regular contact with her father, but sadly not unheard of as many of us here can attest.

Are you paying her by way of direct family based agreement or via the CMS? I believe the system allows you apply a variation to the calculation taking into account costs associated with regular contact, which could allow you to recoup some costs and also act as an incentive for the ex to do the reasonable thing and meet you part of the way.

How is your daughter in all this?

[CanAm]

Alex_225 said:

So recently my ex has a new car, just a little Skoda Fabia nothing flash but her they have also just taken delivery of a brand new Skoda Octavia. They essentially have two perfectly good cars so the excuse that they're not fit for the purpose is null and void but my ex claims they are both her husbands cars?

I bet she wouldn't be saying that if she was divorcing husband No.2!

[Squiddly Diddly]

It's never been about the car, it's not being willing to put herself out for the benefit of your daughter.

That is unlikely to ever change. You are just going to have to live with it.

[tony wright]

Buy a house on the same street, that would really piss her off.

[Alex_225]

theboss said:

Are you paying her by way of direct family based agreement or via the CMS? I believe the system allows you apply a variation to the calculation taking into account costs associated with regular contact, which could allow you to recoup some costs and also act as an incentive for the ex to do the reasonable thing and meet you part of the way.

How is your daughter in all this?

I pay her by direct debit, money has been worked out using the CSA their online calculator but also having spoken to them I have worked out how they adjust it for driving which I have done. It makes very little difference though, nothing really close to the fuel costs per month (£180 p/m).

I don't really have much objection to the cost really, it is what it is. I just find it infuriating that they have now two perfectly usable cars but she claims because they're both her husbands, if he says no she will not help in the slightest. I have only asked for her help on one occasion and she refused on that basis. I mean on a Friday evening it takes me 3-3.5 hours just to get there, then 2.5 hours home. Even if she met met me at a service station 50 miles closer, I'd pay her fuel cost and it would knock an hour or more off the drive. Of course that would be doing me a favour of course.

I think my frustration with the car is that she's claiming she doesn't own a car, therefore just can't physically do any driving. Yet apparently her husband has just bought two cars (one brand new/one older). I just wondered if her claim of not owning a car would wash in a court situation. I'm aware a court can't make a parent buy a suitable car if they don't own one but does being married mean she can't get out of that?

In terms of my little girl, I do my utmost to just keep it away from her. She has a family at my end, a sister who she loves and I just don't her stressed out. I'd never tell her I don't like her mother or partner, sadly I don't think it's the other way round at their end. They seem to tell my daughter not to mention things, so she goes to say something and then holds back. She shouldn't be having to do that but her mum is so cagey about things she seems to tell our daughter not to say certain things which is unfair on a 5 year old.

Squiddly Diddly said:

It's never been about the car, it's not being willing to put herself out for the benefit of your daughter.

That is unlikely to ever change. You are just going to have to live with it.

Sadly you could be right but I know that she would do what she could to avoid court. Even the mention of using the CSA to work out an exact amount (higher or lower than I pay, I don't care just ensure it's fair) she wanted to avoid.

tony wright said:

Buy a house on the same street, that would really piss her off.

Well, if I'm ever in a position to buy a second home it won't be far from them. Depending on my role at work if I can transfer to a similar role Bristol which is near where they live i'd sell up in Surrey and move down there. Could probably save £100k on the mortgage as well!

[hyphen]

Squiddly Diddly said:

It's never been about the car, it's not being willing to put herself out for the benefit of your daughter.

That is unlikely to ever change. You are just going to have to live with it.

OP- you are well rid.

You need to stop being a doormat though - why are you adjusting your payments if she is renting a house out and so on. Make her produce all her bank statements and so on. Otherwise they will continue to pay for new Skoda's with your cash.

[t400ble]

Feel sorry for your daughter
That's a long trip in a car

[ScoobyChris]

I think I replied on the previous thread but I’m in a similar situation (126 miles I think ) and my daughter is now 13.

My advice, based on experience, is to give up worrying about what her Mum is doing - it’ll only frustrate you and nothing will change anyway. Is what it is blah blah, etc but it gets much easier as they get older.

Focus on the little one and giving her the best time when you’re together even if you’re just chatting in the car.

Mine seems to have turned out alright and became a bit of a petrol head

Chris

[A205GTI]

What about renting a airbnb closer to her for the occasional weekend, or book a premier inn (£35,00 a night in some cases) and make a mini holiday just to break up the monotony of it,

Stick with it though, your daughter will appreciate what you've done when she is older

[Alex_225]

hyphen said:

Squiddly Diddly said:

It's never been about the car, it's not being willing to put herself out for the benefit of your daughter.

That is unlikely to ever change. You are just going to have to live with it.

OP- you are well rid.

You need to stop being a doormat though - why are you adjusting your payments if she is renting a house out and so on. Make her produce all her bank statements and so on. Otherwise they will continue to pay for new Skoda's with your cash.

Well the issue I have is that the payments I make are based on my salary, I'm not aware (happy to be wrong) whether the amount I give her is based on her own financial situation. What my money is used to be spent on is not something I can control though, that's always been something I assumed I have to suck up.

Genuine question mate, have you had dealings with the CSA and how they work out payments? I've always just worked it out via the online calculator.

t400ble said:

Feel sorry for your daughter
That's a long trip in a car

It is a long trip, although fortunately she's usually in the car for the more efficient part of the run. iPad + lots of movies usually keeps her happy or we have a chat or listen to music.

ScoobyChris said:

I think I replied on the previous thread but I’m in a similar situation (126 miles I think ) and my daughter is now 13.

My advice, based on experience, is to give up worrying about what her Mum is doing - it’ll only frustrate you and nothing will change anyway. Is what it is blah blah, etc but it gets much easier as they get older.

Focus on the little one and giving her the best time when you’re together even if you’re just chatting in the car.

Mine seems to have turned out alright and became a bit of a petrol head

Chris

I do recall mate and must admit your advice has helped. Gives things a more positive spin on it which I appreciated.

I think at the moment my frustration is that despite my payments being set at 1 night per week, my second child and accounting for mileage. When I dropped the amount last summer due to those factors, I got words along the lines of her being hard up and my daughter missing out. Giving just short of £400 a month is now somewhat of a bitter pill to swallow when clearly she's quids in and still refuses to help in any way at all, even when I need it not just asking.

A205GTI said:

What about renting a airbnb closer to her for the occasional weekend, or book a premier inn (£35,00 a night in some cases) and make a mini holiday just to break up the monotony of it,

Stick with it though, your daughter will appreciate what you've done when she is older

Yeah I had considered these kinds of options as well, need to check out AirBNB as not looked at that. Trouble is I have family here who also want to see her. I'm hoping she will appreciate it when she's older. Assuming her mother doesn't start the sh!t she hinted at the other day as her mum certainly makes herself needed, 'Don't worry when you come home we'll go to the toy shop' etc etc. Subtle but sh!tty ways of enticing my daughter away despite her only being with me 4 days of the month.

[hyphen]

Isn't she 5 ish?

I would let her look out of window, play eye spy games or get bored and fall asleep. Anything but iPad.

Giving a young kids too much screen time may not be good for her.

Also didn't realise you meant child maintenance, yes I think that's fixed amounts.

Good luck OP, and good on you for doing it.

The only other way is if her mum is a good person than to call her bluff and not see the child so much stating why, a good mum will realise the effect of a dad being not around affecting her child. But that would depend on her character.

Edited by hyphen on Sunday 5th May 17:45

[theboss]

hyphen said:

The only other way is if her mum is a good person than to call her bluff and not see the child so much stating why, a good mum will realise the effect of a dad being not around affecting her child. But that would depend on her character.

That is the last thing I would attempt in the OP’s shoes - in the child’s eyes Dad will have given up and then the mother will simply reinforce that view leaving the OP totally marginalised and uninvolved which is probably just what the mother wanted when she moved 130 miles away.

Keep doing what you’re doing OP. As somebody said above, it is what it is, it’s st, but just persevere. It will be worth it in the long term.

[Alex_225]

hyphen said:

Isn't she 5 ish?

I would let her look out of window, play eye spy games or get bored and fall asleep. Anything but iPad.

Giving a young kids too much screen time may not be good for her.

Also didn't realise you meant child maintenance, yes I think that's fixed amounts.

Good luck OP, and good on you for doing it.

The only other way is if her mum is a good person than to call her bluff and not see the child so much stating why, a good mum will realise the effect of a dad being not around affecting her child. But that would depend on her character.

Edited by hyphen on Sunday 5th May 17:45

To be honest it's just a few disney movies and music, she absolutely loves music so spends most of her time listening to that. Like you I'm not a fan of iPad time otherwise and certainly doesn't use it at home.

theboss said:

hyphen said:

The only other way is if her mum is a good person than to call her bluff and not see the child so much stating why, a good mum will realise the effect of a dad being not around affecting her child. But that would depend on her character.

That is the last thing I would attempt in the OP’s shoes - in the child’s eyes Dad will have given up and then the mother will simply reinforce that view leaving the OP totally marginalised and uninvolved which is probably just what the mother wanted when she moved 130 miles away.

Keep doing what you’re doing OP. As somebody said above, it is what it is, it’s st, but just persevere. It will be worth it in the long term.

Sadly this is correct, if I said to the mother that I could do the driving she would absolutely revel in it. The step father is eager to step into my shoes and it seems the better I am and more effort I make, the more it irritates them!

I have a couple of things I'm planning on taking up with the ex though. Considering she receives just shy of £400 a month that's with the reduction last year, she thinks she short changed and in turn she provides no clothes and I pick up my little one in pyjamas and just about a pair of shoes, I might get a coat but that's literally it. I think that should change, her mother is financially sound and buying clothes she'll wear a handful of times before growing out of is ridiculous. Even when I asked for a swimming costume I was told I might as well buy one.

The main point is the things that my little girl feels she can't mention, she's always holding back when she thinks she says something she shouldn't. I think to put that on a five year old is incredibly selfish. She certainly doesn't have the same issue going back to her mums that's for sure.

[theboss]

I agree it’s awful to project that onto a small child. Luckily mine were a bit older. You might be surprised how quickly she grows up and gains the confidence to speak openly with you about the insecurities with which she is burdened by her mothers. At 7 my daughter was remarkably perceptive and able to confide in me. She’s 10 now and we are very close - there is absolutely no way her mother could turn her against me and any attempt to do so would most likely have the opposite effect. This is why it’s important to just stick with it in spite of the difficulties and the fact that it’s incredibly exhausting. Things can change rapidly. Right now your little girl probably has a high degree of confidence in you, and it’s imperative you maintain this view.

[Squiddly Diddly]

OP, your liability for child maintenance is based on your income and nothing to do with hers.

There is a calculator on the Child Maintenance Services website I believe. The CSA no longer exists.

[MB140]

Op, do you have any family that could help. My dad used to help out my brother by fetching my niece on a Friday from school while he was at work. It helped that my dad was retired and the distance was nowhere near as much. About 60-90 mins depending on traffic.

If you have family, have you asked. My dad and myself we’re oblivious to the stress it was causing my brother until he happened to mention it in the pub one day. My brother assumed we didn’t want to help and wouldn’t ask (too proud).

[Alex_225]

theboss said:

I agree it’s awful to project that onto a small child. Luckily mine were a bit older. You might be surprised how quickly she grows up and gains the confidence to speak openly with you about the insecurities with which she is burdened by her mothers. At 7 my daughter was remarkably perceptive and able to confide in me. She’s 10 now and we are very close - there is absolutely no way her mother could turn her against me and any attempt to do so would most likely have the opposite effect. This is why it’s important to just stick with it in spite of the difficulties and the fact that it’s incredibly exhausting. Things can change rapidly. Right now your little girl probably has a high degree of confidence in you, and it’s imperative you maintain this view.

It really is and it really upsets me when she stops herself saying something because (I suspect) her mum has told her not to tell daddy this that and the other. She's a very thoughtful little girl anyway but I hate how she has to think if she's going to upset someone by saying something.

Squiddly Diddly said:

OP, your liability for child maintenance is based on your income and nothing to do with hers.

There is a calculator on the Child Maintenance Services website I believe. The CSA no longer exists.

Yeah the CSA doesn't exist just still has a calculator on the website. I'm just intrigued as I've always just worked out the amount I give her but my salary like you say, the only thing is it doesn't take into account any other factors which is what intrigues me.

I wouldn't even be so bothered but when the only coat I get is a scruffy old thing and when it comes to shoes, I get the scrappy old ones, not the shiny new Timberland boots that I know she has. Despite that money I give her surely going towards those things!! When I said I was taking my daughter on holiday I was told I'd have to go buy her a summer wardrobe because she didn't have any summer clothes that fit.

MB140 said:

Op, do you have any family that could help. My dad used to help out my brother by fetching my niece on a Friday from school while he was at work. It helped that my dad was retired and the distance was nowhere near as much. About 60-90 mins depending on traffic.

If you have family, have you asked. My dad and myself we’re oblivious to the stress it was causing my brother until he happened to mention it in the pub one day. My brother assumed we didn’t want to help and wouldn’t ask (too proud).

Unfortunately I don't. My dad is no longer around and my mum still works but wouldn't be able to do the drive even if she wasn't. My other half has offered before but she works three days a week (including Fridays) plus we have an 18 month old to consider as well. My other half's parents are in 45 minutes away from us as well so wouldn't be able to help.

[Cyberprog]

What about asking for longer access to your daughter - i.e. pickup on Friday and drop back Sunday evening? Would split the driving up a bit? And longer access during the summer hols.

[Rivenink]

I think someone else suggested that you stop worrying about what the ex is doing. It's good advice.

As long as your daughter is happy and is cared for properly when she is with your ex, that's all you should expect.

It's stty that you have no control over what your CSA payments are used for, but it is what it is. The only way to change it is by talking to your MP.

Keep putting in the effort with your daughter, it will be worth it in the end, and make sure you enjoy the rest of your time. Stressing over things you can't make happen or that you have no control over is not helpful to your mental health