My dad, the cleaner and his will.
Discussion
Last week I received a random letter from a solicitor. In it was a draft letter to me from my dad's solicitor cutting me out of his will in favour of his cleaner.
Long story short, my mum and dad had a cleaner before my mum died in 2010. Hoovering, polishing, etc once a week. Since my mum died, he has started referring to this cleaner as his carer. She isn't she cleans his bungalow once a week.
We've never been close, but I've always been there for him. Phone calls at least once a week, visiting, etc. Not long after my mum died he started being very offensive. Implying I'd been bankrupt, a trail of debt and CCJs, etc. All untrue. My business is good, my son is at a private school, I'm doing ok. In 2015, he asked for a regular monthly payment of £300 because his investment income had dropped significantly. I complied, but as the insults increased, I stopped in June 2018.
At Easter he rang up ranting that I owed 'his estate' over £30k. Which turned out to be all the money he and my mother have ever gifted me since they adopted me at 8 weeks old.
Now, he's cut me out of his will, except for £10k if I pay back this £30k and don't contest the will. I don't want his money. But he has placed his cleaner, his niece and nephew ahead of my son. I think this is unfair.
But I'm unsure of what to do, if anything. I think he has been unduly influenced in favour of his cleaner, who receives the bulk of his estate.
He is 89, I'm 54 and my son is 15. We are his next of kin.
Any suggestions?
Long story short, my mum and dad had a cleaner before my mum died in 2010. Hoovering, polishing, etc once a week. Since my mum died, he has started referring to this cleaner as his carer. She isn't she cleans his bungalow once a week.
We've never been close, but I've always been there for him. Phone calls at least once a week, visiting, etc. Not long after my mum died he started being very offensive. Implying I'd been bankrupt, a trail of debt and CCJs, etc. All untrue. My business is good, my son is at a private school, I'm doing ok. In 2015, he asked for a regular monthly payment of £300 because his investment income had dropped significantly. I complied, but as the insults increased, I stopped in June 2018.
At Easter he rang up ranting that I owed 'his estate' over £30k. Which turned out to be all the money he and my mother have ever gifted me since they adopted me at 8 weeks old.
Now, he's cut me out of his will, except for £10k if I pay back this £30k and don't contest the will. I don't want his money. But he has placed his cleaner, his niece and nephew ahead of my son. I think this is unfair.
But I'm unsure of what to do, if anything. I think he has been unduly influenced in favour of his cleaner, who receives the bulk of his estate.
He is 89, I'm 54 and my son is 15. We are his next of kin.
Any suggestions?
I have a friend going through a similar situation with a will / estate and I really do wonder if it is worth all the stress over money. You could contest it, but are you willing to go through a lengthy, painful process to maybe end up with nothing ? A few years ago I would have said fight it all the way, but seeing a good friend and his family arguing over their inheritance makes you think life is just too short.
This is really sad. 
If it's a personality change I'd be wondering about dementia.
He may not be aware of how he's getting to you and only sees the stopping of the £300 a month. Personally I'd call him up, tell him you've had the letter and say you're sorry he feels that way but you don't actually want his money, you'd rather have a decent relationship with him.
But if he's not being rational I suspect you're on a hiding to nothing. Very sad.
If it's a personality change I'd be wondering about dementia.He may not be aware of how he's getting to you and only sees the stopping of the £300 a month. Personally I'd call him up, tell him you've had the letter and say you're sorry he feels that way but you don't actually want his money, you'd rather have a decent relationship with him.
But if he's not being rational I suspect you're on a hiding to nothing. Very sad.
So you will get £10k if you pay him £30K?
I am not sure what you can do, perhaps meet with the solicitor to discuss the draft letter. Obviously they are acting for your dad it would seem, so could not advise you too due conflict, but it may be they will explain to you why they have sent you a draft letter and not a letter.
The problem you have is that the cleaner has been on scene for 9 years, whilst you say she polishes and hoovers once a month, it is likely there is more going on, otherwise it would make no sense. So it may be the cleaner is in there more often, or is in there in a personal capacity more often than you know about, infact, if you think about it, to receive the info you have, that is very likely the case.
As next of kin, you do have some rights, but ultimately, it is his estate and if he wants he can leave it to the cats' home! But clearly at his age, the agression and insults you mention are a concern re dementia etc, and if he is being influenced, gaslighted, or anything like that, you may have some recourse.
At that age, is he receiving any official home help or anything, medical visits, social workers etc? Or has he ever had such support following the death of you mum for example. If so, raise your concerns to social services and maybe they will assess him and see if there are concerns.
I am not sure what you can do, perhaps meet with the solicitor to discuss the draft letter. Obviously they are acting for your dad it would seem, so could not advise you too due conflict, but it may be they will explain to you why they have sent you a draft letter and not a letter.
The problem you have is that the cleaner has been on scene for 9 years, whilst you say she polishes and hoovers once a month, it is likely there is more going on, otherwise it would make no sense. So it may be the cleaner is in there more often, or is in there in a personal capacity more often than you know about, infact, if you think about it, to receive the info you have, that is very likely the case.
As next of kin, you do have some rights, but ultimately, it is his estate and if he wants he can leave it to the cats' home! But clearly at his age, the agression and insults you mention are a concern re dementia etc, and if he is being influenced, gaslighted, or anything like that, you may have some recourse.
At that age, is he receiving any official home help or anything, medical visits, social workers etc? Or has he ever had such support following the death of you mum for example. If so, raise your concerns to social services and maybe they will assess him and see if there are concerns.
Jasandjules said:
Was the solicitor who sent you the draft from the same firm as your dad's solicitor? What does the covering letter say? It may be they have concerns he is not of sound mind...
Assuming his dad has a solicitor.I'm going to really hang out there with a wild assertion that 95% of the population don't have a solicitor.
When they need one it will be yellow pages and AAA Solicitors for You or the firm with an office down in the local shopping centre.
(Of course this doesn't apply to PH'ers with multiple directorships and a full legal team on standby 24/7)
He has effectively cut you out of the will by saying that he will give you 10k if you give him 30k now. Seems and odd thing to include. That in itself sounds quite unreasonable to expect you to pay him back for bringing you up.
When your mum died did she have a will and did it include you as a benefactor? If so then you can show that your mum's intention was to include you and it's your dad that has now decided to cut you out for some reason. Totally cutting you out sounds like a very bad idea.
Now getting on to the money issues. It seems something has changed, he mentions money issues, has the cleaner / neice / nephew been actively invovled in his money. I know from personal expeience that older people are targetted, so could this be something to do with the issues he has. The cleaner being the main benefactor is a big red flag.
Long term when he dies it will be up to you (and your deep pockets) if you decide to contest the will.
On principle alone if I found someone was interfering I would take it further now rather than wait until he couldn't answer for himself. The police or social services should be involved.
When your mum died did she have a will and did it include you as a benefactor? If so then you can show that your mum's intention was to include you and it's your dad that has now decided to cut you out for some reason. Totally cutting you out sounds like a very bad idea.
Now getting on to the money issues. It seems something has changed, he mentions money issues, has the cleaner / neice / nephew been actively invovled in his money. I know from personal expeience that older people are targetted, so could this be something to do with the issues he has. The cleaner being the main benefactor is a big red flag.
Long term when he dies it will be up to you (and your deep pockets) if you decide to contest the will.
On principle alone if I found someone was interfering I would take it further now rather than wait until he couldn't answer for himself. The police or social services should be involved.
Cutting you out of the will and asking for all the money gifted to you after they took you in is one hell of a kick in the teeth.
The cleaner is not just a cleaner after 9 years they are close friends, he will be paying her and she will be cleaning, picking bits up at the shop, helping with alsorts.
Is this paid through an agency or direct cash, I bet she does not declare the income to HMRC.
Hope it works out for you.
The cleaner is not just a cleaner after 9 years they are close friends, he will be paying her and she will be cleaning, picking bits up at the shop, helping with alsorts.
Is this paid through an agency or direct cash, I bet she does not declare the income to HMRC.
Hope it works out for you.
Edited by PAULJ5555 on Friday 12th July 12:38
over_the_hill said:
Assuming his dad has a solicitor.
I don't want to derail the thread however to be clear I did not assume, I took it from the first line of the OP which says:Last week I received a random letter from a solicitor. In it was a draft letter to me from my dad's solicitor cutting me out of his will in favour of his cleaner
I can relate to this sort of manipulation. I had it with my Grandmother who favoured my older brother when we grew up. I mean really threw the kitchen sink at him. not a few bucks. Brand new Golf, deposit on his house when he was 25. Me and my other brother got sweet fk all. It caused a lot of friction. When she dies she left 100k to brother Nr1 and we got nothing.
My mother, her daughter, told us that Granny left all 3 grand kids 100k each and here is the money. OK, well she wasn't so bad then. It came out in conversation a few years later via a slip of the tongue that she hadn't (she left 100k to one not the other 2). My parents decided to make it equal.
Now I've got similar crap with my parents. Younger brother had two kids, I have two kids. I live in the UK. They live in Australia. My parents shower the other grand kids with very expensive holidays, money. Large bank deposits. Mine get nothing much. A birthday and Xmas gift and Im told to write in a card.
As a result I haven't spoken to them for almost two years and i suspect i'll be cut off. They've told me i will be. I don't care.
Best of luck
My mother, her daughter, told us that Granny left all 3 grand kids 100k each and here is the money. OK, well she wasn't so bad then. It came out in conversation a few years later via a slip of the tongue that she hadn't (she left 100k to one not the other 2). My parents decided to make it equal.
Now I've got similar crap with my parents. Younger brother had two kids, I have two kids. I live in the UK. They live in Australia. My parents shower the other grand kids with very expensive holidays, money. Large bank deposits. Mine get nothing much. A birthday and Xmas gift and Im told to write in a card.
As a result I haven't spoken to them for almost two years and i suspect i'll be cut off. They've told me i will be. I don't care.
Best of luck
Bill said:
This is really sad. If it's a personality change I'd be wondering about dementia.
He may not be aware of how he's getting to you and only sees the stopping of the £300 a month. Personally I'd call him up, tell him you've had the letter and say you're sorry he feels that way but you don't actually want his money, you'd rather have a decent relationship with him.
But if he's not being rational I suspect you're on a hiding to nothing. Very sad.
This was my first thought, a personality/behaviour change in the elderly is a definite red flag for getting checked for dementia. If it's a personality change I'd be wondering about dementia.He may not be aware of how he's getting to you and only sees the stopping of the £300 a month. Personally I'd call him up, tell him you've had the letter and say you're sorry he feels that way but you don't actually want his money, you'd rather have a decent relationship with him.
But if he's not being rational I suspect you're on a hiding to nothing. Very sad.
we had a similar situation with a widow chaser (he'd done it before) and my wife's aunt, he was a neighbour , became a friend and then was suddenly her carer and then he was the sole beneficiary. As far as I remember unless there is something untoward (or senility is factor) then it's a case of tough s
t.
t.It's painful reading the stories on threads like these as families fall out over inheritances, I consider myself very lucky that my parents split their estates equally between the four of us siblings apart from a bequest for each of their grandchildren.
My advice to the OP, for what its worth, is to walk away and if possible let it go. Save yourself and your family the anguish
My advice to the OP, for what its worth, is to walk away and if possible let it go. Save yourself and your family the anguish
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