Family law advice
Discussion
Just after any advice/ experiences from anyone who has been through a similar situation.
My wife and I have been going through separation/divorce proceedings since the end of September. Her choice. We were married 9 years, have two boys 7 and 9. She met a woman when we were still together and is now in a relationship with her. She said at the start she wanted this to be as amicable as possible, there was no animosity, she is who she is and has to follow her heart etc. Obviously I was gutted but also wanted this whole process to be as amicable and low cost as possible, making sure the kids were as unaffected as possible.
We own our house (mortgaged jointly). I have basically paid for everything since our boys were born, she has worked part time since the kids but earns next to nothing so has barely contributed to anything financially. There is approx £150k equity in the house. Other than this we don't really have any assets of value. She appointed a solicitor in November.....I wanted to avoid going down this route to save on costs and suggested mediation which she refused. My hand was forced and I had to appoint a solicitor in January. My intention had been to get the house on the market in January with the idea that once sold we would split the equity and be able to go our own ways. She refused to allow me to put the house on the market until she had "had advice from her solicitor to see what she was entitled to".
I remained living in the house until the end of January when tensions just got too much (a whole other story but in short she wrote off one of our cars whilst drink driving). I reluctantly moved back to my parents. I continued paying for everything for several weeks including £90 a week for food/kids stuff which we agreed between us. On realising this was not going to be sustainable due to me contributing to live elsewhere, on advice from my solicitor I stopped paying the utility bills. A few weeks later, rather than paying the food/kids money directly to her, to try and make things more sustainable for me and to ensure the kids continue to have a roof over their heads, I offset this money against her half of the mortgage which I knew she would never pay, so I continue to pay the full mortgage until such time that we can get the house sold. My only other option would have been to move back home, but when I suggested this to her, she said she would call the police?!! She has also said she does not want to talk to me about anything other than the kids and has said that I've been harassing, threatening and intimidating her. This is all complete fabrication. The only thing I've done is asked her to reconsider agreeing to the house being put on the market and asked her to chase her solicitor up so we could get the ball rolling.
I submitted my financial disclosure documents via my solicitor back at the beginning of March. I've just received hers via the solicitors and she is basically going for absolutely everything. She wants the house transferred to her, she wants spousal maintenance and also my pension. I can't quite get my head around how it can go from her wanting things to be amicable and specifically saying at the start she wasn't going to go after everything, to this?! Yes, things have become bad between us, I guess when money is involved it always will be, but how can it be right that she gets everything? The separation was all her choice, yet she is sticking the boot in and she is completely ruining my life. This will completely destroy me.
I've got a meeting with my solicitor on Thursday to go over this, but I can only see this will now end up at court costing even more ££££. I've got no idea how this is going to pan out, but has anyone been through anything similar and how did that end?
My wife and I have been going through separation/divorce proceedings since the end of September. Her choice. We were married 9 years, have two boys 7 and 9. She met a woman when we were still together and is now in a relationship with her. She said at the start she wanted this to be as amicable as possible, there was no animosity, she is who she is and has to follow her heart etc. Obviously I was gutted but also wanted this whole process to be as amicable and low cost as possible, making sure the kids were as unaffected as possible.
We own our house (mortgaged jointly). I have basically paid for everything since our boys were born, she has worked part time since the kids but earns next to nothing so has barely contributed to anything financially. There is approx £150k equity in the house. Other than this we don't really have any assets of value. She appointed a solicitor in November.....I wanted to avoid going down this route to save on costs and suggested mediation which she refused. My hand was forced and I had to appoint a solicitor in January. My intention had been to get the house on the market in January with the idea that once sold we would split the equity and be able to go our own ways. She refused to allow me to put the house on the market until she had "had advice from her solicitor to see what she was entitled to".
I remained living in the house until the end of January when tensions just got too much (a whole other story but in short she wrote off one of our cars whilst drink driving). I reluctantly moved back to my parents. I continued paying for everything for several weeks including £90 a week for food/kids stuff which we agreed between us. On realising this was not going to be sustainable due to me contributing to live elsewhere, on advice from my solicitor I stopped paying the utility bills. A few weeks later, rather than paying the food/kids money directly to her, to try and make things more sustainable for me and to ensure the kids continue to have a roof over their heads, I offset this money against her half of the mortgage which I knew she would never pay, so I continue to pay the full mortgage until such time that we can get the house sold. My only other option would have been to move back home, but when I suggested this to her, she said she would call the police?!! She has also said she does not want to talk to me about anything other than the kids and has said that I've been harassing, threatening and intimidating her. This is all complete fabrication. The only thing I've done is asked her to reconsider agreeing to the house being put on the market and asked her to chase her solicitor up so we could get the ball rolling.
I submitted my financial disclosure documents via my solicitor back at the beginning of March. I've just received hers via the solicitors and she is basically going for absolutely everything. She wants the house transferred to her, she wants spousal maintenance and also my pension. I can't quite get my head around how it can go from her wanting things to be amicable and specifically saying at the start she wasn't going to go after everything, to this?! Yes, things have become bad between us, I guess when money is involved it always will be, but how can it be right that she gets everything? The separation was all her choice, yet she is sticking the boot in and she is completely ruining my life. This will completely destroy me.
I've got a meeting with my solicitor on Thursday to go over this, but I can only see this will now end up at court costing even more ££££. I've got no idea how this is going to pan out, but has anyone been through anything similar and how did that end?
I’m very sorry to hear your tale and can’t offer a similar tale to make you feel any better other than to say I hope your Solicitor is decent.
I would share your words here with them if you haven’t already.
Your wife won’t get everything though and also depends on who gets custody of children etc.
Unfortunately money changes most arguments and her desire to remain amicable was sadly and commonly just words.
I hope it all works out for you.
I would share your words here with them if you haven’t already.
Your wife won’t get everything though and also depends on who gets custody of children etc.
Unfortunately money changes most arguments and her desire to remain amicable was sadly and commonly just words.
I hope it all works out for you.
Sorry to say but my brother went through this a little over 15 years ago. Lies about his behaviour (she was the one sleeping around), lies about how much she had contributed to the house, lies that she financially supported his degree (which his employer paid for!) and bills over the 10 plus years of marriage, hiding the fact she became the village bike. she also tried to get him to move out the house which luckily we all warned him against and a sale was forced.
To this day it appalls me how she woke up, slept around, played the wounded soldier to get her claws into house, pension etc and used their young son as a weapon to get what she wanted including child maintenance payments. Law entitled her to most of it too. No pre nup or no tenants in common agreement you don't have much of a defense unless your solicitor can drill into her finances but don't hold out much hope. Hope someone can give you good advice, as in my experience solicitors generally have no incentive to do it quickly or cheaply.
Sorry to hear that it didn't work out both for you and your children. Try your best to keep them out of it, I've seen the impact it had on a primary school child, including the ages where they get the best out of a situation by playing you both off against each other.
To this day it appalls me how she woke up, slept around, played the wounded soldier to get her claws into house, pension etc and used their young son as a weapon to get what she wanted including child maintenance payments. Law entitled her to most of it too. No pre nup or no tenants in common agreement you don't have much of a defense unless your solicitor can drill into her finances but don't hold out much hope. Hope someone can give you good advice, as in my experience solicitors generally have no incentive to do it quickly or cheaply.
Sorry to hear that it didn't work out both for you and your children. Try your best to keep them out of it, I've seen the impact it had on a primary school child, including the ages where they get the best out of a situation by playing you both off against each other.
Very sorry to hear this OP.
How are the kids holding up given the huge change and are you managing to have regular contact with them?
There are no magic words to alleviate your stress but if its the slightest consolation I went through divorce hell a now astonishing 7 years ago and came out the other side much happier than before. I’m helping a close friend who is at the 12 month mark and he’s doing brilliantly. No matter how bad things seem now, you will get through it and there’s a well resolved future in which this is all water under the bridge. It’s incredibly easy to say but I really do speak from experience and plenty of others will concur.
How are the kids holding up given the huge change and are you managing to have regular contact with them?
There are no magic words to alleviate your stress but if its the slightest consolation I went through divorce hell a now astonishing 7 years ago and came out the other side much happier than before. I’m helping a close friend who is at the 12 month mark and he’s doing brilliantly. No matter how bad things seem now, you will get through it and there’s a well resolved future in which this is all water under the bridge. It’s incredibly easy to say but I really do speak from experience and plenty of others will concur.
Get professional advice, and try to keep it calm without any potentially provocative moves...like unilaterally cutting off the food allowance.
This is complicated by the fact you have young children who need to have custody arrangements agreed and housing etc secured. Children's interests are paramount, so get those goggles tuned in. Perhaps you see it simply as you and her. However it is kids first, and then you and her. You might not even get the house sold until the youngest turns 18, but that all depends...
Best of luck. Remember, if you minimise the conflict the less of the pie is taken by the lawyers.
This is complicated by the fact you have young children who need to have custody arrangements agreed and housing etc secured. Children's interests are paramount, so get those goggles tuned in. Perhaps you see it simply as you and her. However it is kids first, and then you and her. You might not even get the house sold until the youngest turns 18, but that all depends...
Best of luck. Remember, if you minimise the conflict the less of the pie is taken by the lawyers.
Having been through a divorce you have my thoughts and condolences.
Just remember at your low points that it will definitely 1000% get better, but it will take time.
Listen to your solicitor, they will have seen it all before. Hopefully they are a good one.
If you any friends, keep in contact with them and keep yourself busy. Don't just sit at home and mull things over, going blind from P*rnhub, go to the gym, even if you don't want to, especially if you don't want to. Get out the house, go for a walk. Anything but sitting indoors.
It will be horrible, but you will get through it.
Just remember at your low points that it will definitely 1000% get better, but it will take time.
Listen to your solicitor, they will have seen it all before. Hopefully they are a good one.
If you any friends, keep in contact with them and keep yourself busy. Don't just sit at home and mull things over, going blind from P*rnhub, go to the gym, even if you don't want to, especially if you don't want to. Get out the house, go for a walk. Anything but sitting indoors.
It will be horrible, but you will get through it.
This isn't necessarily true any more but it is my experience from 15 years ago.
My solicitor said that a marriage of under 10 years isn't considered "long term" (is I think the way he termed it) and as such it is only up to this point that the 50% rule of thumb applies.
I listened to everything he said & did everything he suggested.
The bottom line is she started negotiating for £42k & ended up with £7k as I was left with all of the debts.
ETA. We had no kids together, which helped also.
My solicitor said that a marriage of under 10 years isn't considered "long term" (is I think the way he termed it) and as such it is only up to this point that the 50% rule of thumb applies.
I listened to everything he said & did everything he suggested.
The bottom line is she started negotiating for £42k & ended up with £7k as I was left with all of the debts.
ETA. We had no kids together, which helped also.
Edited by E-bmw on Tuesday 18th April 11:07
Thanks for the responses and kind words.
I'm certainly not sitting around mulling things over, I'm fortunate to have a supportive family, good friends (one of whom has been through a similar thing about 4 years ago), and a girlfriend now who is being very supportive.
My solicitor came recommended and does have a very good reputation. Contact with him has been pretty minimal up to this point as I haven't wanted any unnecessary costs, but things are obviously going to ramp up now. Her solicitor seems like an absolute cowboy; not a great reputation from what I gather, and every bit of correspondence I've seen from him has had some sort of basic grammatical error which you don't expect in that sort of profession.
Regarding her and the kids, although some of her recent actions have been questionable, I do genuinely believe she is a good mum and the kids are safe. They have been bearing up pretty well to be honest bar a couple of minor things at school with the youngest where he has been a bit reluctant to engage, but on the whole they have been good from what I've seen. I see them every other weekend and adhoc through the week depending on work and their commitments. One poster above said about ensuring the kids come first; this is exactly what I/we have done and said from the start they are the priority, and that still stands no matter how bad things get between us.
I will see what my solicitor says on Thursday and go from there I guess. I'll keep this thread updated.
Any other similar stories welcome :-)
I'm certainly not sitting around mulling things over, I'm fortunate to have a supportive family, good friends (one of whom has been through a similar thing about 4 years ago), and a girlfriend now who is being very supportive.
My solicitor came recommended and does have a very good reputation. Contact with him has been pretty minimal up to this point as I haven't wanted any unnecessary costs, but things are obviously going to ramp up now. Her solicitor seems like an absolute cowboy; not a great reputation from what I gather, and every bit of correspondence I've seen from him has had some sort of basic grammatical error which you don't expect in that sort of profession.
Regarding her and the kids, although some of her recent actions have been questionable, I do genuinely believe she is a good mum and the kids are safe. They have been bearing up pretty well to be honest bar a couple of minor things at school with the youngest where he has been a bit reluctant to engage, but on the whole they have been good from what I've seen. I see them every other weekend and adhoc through the week depending on work and their commitments. One poster above said about ensuring the kids come first; this is exactly what I/we have done and said from the start they are the priority, and that still stands no matter how bad things get between us.
I will see what my solicitor says on Thursday and go from there I guess. I'll keep this thread updated.
Any other similar stories welcome :-)
Her instruction of a cowboy solicitor is a very good thing for you.
Mine did the same. What I found is that they were great at driving up costs over all the petty nothings - writing letters and trying to goad me into tit-for-tat exchanges that cost money and serve no purpose. My ex left for another relationship too and even his solicitor got involved - I didn't even reply personally let alone waste money asking my solicitor to get involved; I just point blank ignored everything that was insubstantial. When it came to actual court processes and hearings my representatives wiped the floor and secured me a generally favourable outcome, for the circumstances. The crucial outcome is that I was able to secure a clean break against any future claims for capital/property/pensions although she still has a claim on income for the time being.
Despite this apparent success, and me moving on personally in my own life, remarrying and having a new family, the long-term consequence for the children of that marriage - and my relationship with them - has still been very negative and I resent that fact.
The ex ultimately seized the 'primary parent' status despite my preference for playing a more equal role in their lives. Everything was monetised by her at every opportunity including my daughter's disability. I've ended up being consigned to playing a back seat role despite handing over fistfuls of maintenance every month without fail. My youngest is now 14 and despite our closeness at the time of separation I've now been relegated as her mum plays this very permissive "best friend" non-parenting role. I also think she resents my new wife despite the fact I didn't meet her for several years after her mother left the marriage for an affair partner, an individual who my daughter happily holds in esteem as a stepfather now. But I'm still here when she wants something and I just put it down to awkward teen years.
Not much I can really add other than to just try and focus on yourself and your children be wary of her trying to establish living routines for them now, that she will argue to a court are irreversible. Try to maintain a 'day to day' role in their lives at all cost. She will push against this because ultimately it undermines her control and her claims as the main parent who must be funded by the absent parent.
Mine did the same. What I found is that they were great at driving up costs over all the petty nothings - writing letters and trying to goad me into tit-for-tat exchanges that cost money and serve no purpose. My ex left for another relationship too and even his solicitor got involved - I didn't even reply personally let alone waste money asking my solicitor to get involved; I just point blank ignored everything that was insubstantial. When it came to actual court processes and hearings my representatives wiped the floor and secured me a generally favourable outcome, for the circumstances. The crucial outcome is that I was able to secure a clean break against any future claims for capital/property/pensions although she still has a claim on income for the time being.
Despite this apparent success, and me moving on personally in my own life, remarrying and having a new family, the long-term consequence for the children of that marriage - and my relationship with them - has still been very negative and I resent that fact.
The ex ultimately seized the 'primary parent' status despite my preference for playing a more equal role in their lives. Everything was monetised by her at every opportunity including my daughter's disability. I've ended up being consigned to playing a back seat role despite handing over fistfuls of maintenance every month without fail. My youngest is now 14 and despite our closeness at the time of separation I've now been relegated as her mum plays this very permissive "best friend" non-parenting role. I also think she resents my new wife despite the fact I didn't meet her for several years after her mother left the marriage for an affair partner, an individual who my daughter happily holds in esteem as a stepfather now. But I'm still here when she wants something and I just put it down to awkward teen years.
Not much I can really add other than to just try and focus on yourself and your children be wary of her trying to establish living routines for them now, that she will argue to a court are irreversible. Try to maintain a 'day to day' role in their lives at all cost. She will push against this because ultimately it undermines her control and her claims as the main parent who must be funded by the absent parent.
Stay calm, worst thing you can do is get into a mud slinging type scenario. Solicitors love that kind of thing as it drags the process and the costs go up.
She must have some front going for everything, given you could just put 'unreasonable behaviour' on the explanation part given she has cheated on you with another woman.
She must have some front going for everything, given you could just put 'unreasonable behaviour' on the explanation part given she has cheated on you with another woman.
Best to keep the conflict minimal to reduce the chance of it effecting the kid.
I would want a 50/50 shared care agreement or family court order (from experience), or some women feel they have the whip hand and use it against you. Have you agreed a basic access to your kids? You haven't mentioned that? Women are ruled by their emotions so they tend to do things that don't make sense as a guy.
In terms of money in these days of equality this goes out the window when women split and want money and kids she gets more money if you don't see your kids (I think the default needs to be 50/50 legally), they always get better treatment in these cases certainly any guy I have spoken to.
The threats of claiming your harassing her sounds familiar, a lot of women in my experience find it helpful to play the victim and will try and make them appear the victim when clearly she is the one who is leaving you for another woman. I hear a lot of women who no longer want to have to deal with the father so accusing you of things gives them justification to do so. I was lucky I guess and there wasn't another person involved when she decided to split 5 months after I told her I wanted to end things and she had made a massive effort to make it work, in the background she had been warming her mum up to the split and for her to bail her out financially as she had run up debts.
Keep coms just about the kids, solicitors do very well in situations either way, otherwise she can claim harassment.
In some cases she could keep the house till the kids turn 18 its called a “Mesher Order”. A “Martin Order”.
Most cases you sell and split it, I was lucky in 14 years we never made it passed engaged but still had several kids, my eldest if which my ex has abandoned as she some social issues and doesn't get on with the new BF so she now lives with me and feels abandoned by her mother.
Be careful saying she didn't work much or contribute as far as the courts are concerned house wife/home maker is a job!
It took my mate 2.5-3 years (9 months of that was covid i guess) to get his house sold so don't be in a rush!
I would want a 50/50 shared care agreement or family court order (from experience), or some women feel they have the whip hand and use it against you. Have you agreed a basic access to your kids? You haven't mentioned that? Women are ruled by their emotions so they tend to do things that don't make sense as a guy.
In terms of money in these days of equality this goes out the window when women split and want money and kids she gets more money if you don't see your kids (I think the default needs to be 50/50 legally), they always get better treatment in these cases certainly any guy I have spoken to.
The threats of claiming your harassing her sounds familiar, a lot of women in my experience find it helpful to play the victim and will try and make them appear the victim when clearly she is the one who is leaving you for another woman. I hear a lot of women who no longer want to have to deal with the father so accusing you of things gives them justification to do so. I was lucky I guess and there wasn't another person involved when she decided to split 5 months after I told her I wanted to end things and she had made a massive effort to make it work, in the background she had been warming her mum up to the split and for her to bail her out financially as she had run up debts.
Keep coms just about the kids, solicitors do very well in situations either way, otherwise she can claim harassment.
In some cases she could keep the house till the kids turn 18 its called a “Mesher Order”. A “Martin Order”.
Most cases you sell and split it, I was lucky in 14 years we never made it passed engaged but still had several kids, my eldest if which my ex has abandoned as she some social issues and doesn't get on with the new BF so she now lives with me and feels abandoned by her mother.
Be careful saying she didn't work much or contribute as far as the courts are concerned house wife/home maker is a job!
It took my mate 2.5-3 years (9 months of that was covid i guess) to get his house sold so don't be in a rush!
My sympathies, terrible situation to try to work yourself out of, children to think and care about as well. As others stay calm let your solicitor do the talking, don't be forced out of your home if that's possible. It's rubbish time for you but it will get better, I divorced 20+ years ago, never have to have contact with her and I'm as happy as can be.
theboss said:
Her instruction of a cowboy solicitor is a very good thing for you.
Mine did the same. What I found is that they were great at driving up costs over all the petty nothings - writing letters and trying to goad me into tit-for-tat exchanges that cost money and serve no purpose. My ex left for another relationship too and even his solicitor got involved - I didn't even reply personally let alone waste money asking my solicitor to get involved; I just point blank ignored everything that was insubstantial. When it came to actual court processes and hearings my representatives wiped the floor and secured me a generally favourable outcome, for the circumstances. The crucial outcome is that I was able to secure a clean break against any future claims for capital/property/pensions although she still has a claim on income for the time being.
Despite this apparent success, and me moving on personally in my own life, remarrying and having a new family, the long-term consequence for the children of that marriage - and my relationship with them - has still been very negative and I resent that fact.
The ex ultimately seized the 'primary parent' status despite my preference for playing a more equal role in their lives. Everything was monetised by her at every opportunity including my daughter's disability. I've ended up being consigned to playing a back seat role despite handing over fistfuls of maintenance every month without fail. My youngest is now 14 and despite our closeness at the time of separation I've now been relegated as her mum plays this very permissive "best friend" non-parenting role. I also think she resents my new wife despite the fact I didn't meet her for several years after her mother left the marriage for an affair partner, an individual who my daughter happily holds in esteem as a stepfather now. But I'm still here when she wants something and I just put it down to awkward teen years.
Not much I can really add other than to just try and focus on yourself and your children be wary of her trying to establish living routines for them now, that she will argue to a court are irreversible. Try to maintain a 'day to day' role in their lives at all cost. She will push against this because ultimately it undermines her control and her claims as the main parent who must be funded by the absent parent.
Good to hear about your positive outcome, sorry to hear about the situation with the kids. I'm doing everything I can to maintain that regular contact with my boys and just hope that things between us stay positive and she doesn't try and turn them.Mine did the same. What I found is that they were great at driving up costs over all the petty nothings - writing letters and trying to goad me into tit-for-tat exchanges that cost money and serve no purpose. My ex left for another relationship too and even his solicitor got involved - I didn't even reply personally let alone waste money asking my solicitor to get involved; I just point blank ignored everything that was insubstantial. When it came to actual court processes and hearings my representatives wiped the floor and secured me a generally favourable outcome, for the circumstances. The crucial outcome is that I was able to secure a clean break against any future claims for capital/property/pensions although she still has a claim on income for the time being.
Despite this apparent success, and me moving on personally in my own life, remarrying and having a new family, the long-term consequence for the children of that marriage - and my relationship with them - has still been very negative and I resent that fact.
The ex ultimately seized the 'primary parent' status despite my preference for playing a more equal role in their lives. Everything was monetised by her at every opportunity including my daughter's disability. I've ended up being consigned to playing a back seat role despite handing over fistfuls of maintenance every month without fail. My youngest is now 14 and despite our closeness at the time of separation I've now been relegated as her mum plays this very permissive "best friend" non-parenting role. I also think she resents my new wife despite the fact I didn't meet her for several years after her mother left the marriage for an affair partner, an individual who my daughter happily holds in esteem as a stepfather now. But I'm still here when she wants something and I just put it down to awkward teen years.
Not much I can really add other than to just try and focus on yourself and your children be wary of her trying to establish living routines for them now, that she will argue to a court are irreversible. Try to maintain a 'day to day' role in their lives at all cost. She will push against this because ultimately it undermines her control and her claims as the main parent who must be funded by the absent parent.
sutoka said:
Stay calm, worst thing you can do is get into a mud slinging type scenario. Solicitors love that kind of thing as it drags the process and the costs go up.
She must have some front going for everything, given you could just put 'unreasonable behaviour' on the explanation part given she has cheated on you with another woman.
She certainly has got some front, and maybe I was naive to think she wouldn't go for everything. She must have some front going for everything, given you could just put 'unreasonable behaviour' on the explanation part given she has cheated on you with another woman.
My understanding is that citing unreasonable behaviour as the reason doesn't make any difference to the outcome anymore. This changed a few years ago apparently.
DashDriver said:
Best to keep the conflict minimal to reduce the chance of it effecting the kid.
I would want a 50/50 shared care agreement or family court order (from experience), or some women feel they have the whip hand and use it against you. Have you agreed a basic access to your kids? You haven't mentioned that? Women are ruled by their emotions so they tend to do things that don't make sense as a guy.
In terms of money in these days of equality this goes out the window when women split and want money and kids she gets more money if you don't see your kids (I think the default needs to be 50/50 legally), they always get better treatment in these cases certainly any guy I have spoken to.
The threats of claiming your harassing her sounds familiar, a lot of women in my experience find it helpful to play the victim and will try and make them appear the victim when clearly she is the one who is leaving you for another woman. I hear a lot of women who no longer want to have to deal with the father so accusing you of things gives them justification to do so. I was lucky I guess and there wasn't another person involved when she decided to split 5 months after I told her I wanted to end things and she had made a massive effort to make it work, in the background she had been warming her mum up to the split and for her to bail her out financially as she had run up debts.
Keep coms just about the kids, solicitors do very well in situations either way, otherwise she can claim harassment.
In some cases she could keep the house till the kids turn 18 its called a “Mesher Order”. A “Martin Order”.
Most cases you sell and split it, I was lucky in 14 years we never made it passed engaged but still had several kids, my eldest if which my ex has abandoned as she some social issues and doesn't get on with the new BF so she now lives with me and feels abandoned by her mother.
Be careful saying she didn't work much or contribute as far as the courts are concerned house wife/home maker is a job!
It took my mate 2.5-3 years (9 months of that was covid i guess) to get his house sold so don't be in a rush!
Thanks for the response. We do have an agreement between us where we have the kids every other weekend and I'll see them during the week depending on my work commitments and the boys commitments. She has stuck to this so far. I move back in to the family home on the weekends I have them to maintain consistency for the boys. I will be going for 50/50 initially, however this is likely to mean changes at work and probably a reduction in pay, so I'll have to look at this and weigh up what is going to work out best.I would want a 50/50 shared care agreement or family court order (from experience), or some women feel they have the whip hand and use it against you. Have you agreed a basic access to your kids? You haven't mentioned that? Women are ruled by their emotions so they tend to do things that don't make sense as a guy.
In terms of money in these days of equality this goes out the window when women split and want money and kids she gets more money if you don't see your kids (I think the default needs to be 50/50 legally), they always get better treatment in these cases certainly any guy I have spoken to.
The threats of claiming your harassing her sounds familiar, a lot of women in my experience find it helpful to play the victim and will try and make them appear the victim when clearly she is the one who is leaving you for another woman. I hear a lot of women who no longer want to have to deal with the father so accusing you of things gives them justification to do so. I was lucky I guess and there wasn't another person involved when she decided to split 5 months after I told her I wanted to end things and she had made a massive effort to make it work, in the background she had been warming her mum up to the split and for her to bail her out financially as she had run up debts.
Keep coms just about the kids, solicitors do very well in situations either way, otherwise she can claim harassment.
In some cases she could keep the house till the kids turn 18 its called a “Mesher Order”. A “Martin Order”.
Most cases you sell and split it, I was lucky in 14 years we never made it passed engaged but still had several kids, my eldest if which my ex has abandoned as she some social issues and doesn't get on with the new BF so she now lives with me and feels abandoned by her mother.
Be careful saying she didn't work much or contribute as far as the courts are concerned house wife/home maker is a job!
It took my mate 2.5-3 years (9 months of that was covid i guess) to get his house sold so don't be in a rush!
I am keeping comms to purely about the kids now, I have no desire to speak to her or be anywhere near her to be honest.
I'm really hoping this doesn't drag on and on, your mate's case doesn't fill me with confidence though. It's so frustrating as we could've had the house sold by now, split the equity and be merrily on our way and moving on with our lives!
How are you splitting the children?
Basically it mostly comes down to that. I have recently been divorced and we split the children 50:50. My wife then decided she wanted pretty much everything but she earned similar money to me. That entitles both of us to 50%.
The best thing you can do is read up on the divorce process so you can set your expectations.
Basically it mostly comes down to that. I have recently been divorced and we split the children 50:50. My wife then decided she wanted pretty much everything but she earned similar money to me. That entitles both of us to 50%.
The best thing you can do is read up on the divorce process so you can set your expectations.
Paul_B said:
Thanks for the response. We do have an agreement between us where we have the kids every other weekend and I'll see them during the week depending on my work commitments and the boys commitments. She has stuck to this so far. I move back in to the family home on the weekends I have them to maintain consistency for the boys. I will be going for 50/50 initially, however this is likely to mean changes at work and probably a reduction in pay, so I'll have to look at this and weigh up what is going to work out best.
I am keeping comms to purely about the kids now, I have no desire to speak to her or be anywhere near her to be honest.
I'm really hoping this doesn't drag on and on, your mate's case doesn't fill me with confidence though. It's so frustrating as we could've had the house sold by now, split the equity and be merrily on our way and moving on with our lives!
She won't be able to afford as good as house as you have now I am guessing so she may not be in a rush! if she has he GF over and still in your home she has the whip hand. I would have stayed in the house if possible.I am keeping comms to purely about the kids now, I have no desire to speak to her or be anywhere near her to be honest.
I'm really hoping this doesn't drag on and on, your mate's case doesn't fill me with confidence though. It's so frustrating as we could've had the house sold by now, split the equity and be merrily on our way and moving on with our lives!
My mate went on a rugby weekend and as he left she had a melt down, when he return on Sunday the locks had been changed and she informed it was over. Within a few months she had got with a guy they both knew from school run and he was living there, they don't have as nice house now so they weren't in a rush to go. He didn't get to see the inside of the house for 2.5 years!
I was lucky she wanted to move out and did in 2 months, I had an amicable split to start, helped her move into her parents rental house gave her 80% of all the stuff we owned and then it was all I was a bad guy and lots of lies once she had been in that that 2 months. Sad thing is her BF now won't talk or acknowledge me in front of my kids and he makes it weird and awkward 2 years in.
Helpfully you never have the pleasure of the CMS! They are next level awful sadist, my maintenance went from 500 a month to 1350 with no explanation, I quit my job and then my ex was like ok ok, I will do it direct with you.
Edited by DashDriver on Tuesday 18th April 20:44
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