Bliars legacy - The Highways Agency.
Discussion
So the grinning monkey wants to leave something behind with his mark on it?
As far as I can see, that can only be the Highways Agency.
Please note, not HATOs in particular, but the HA in general.
Back in the good old days, someone decided whether a new road should be built and the Department of Transport got it built. People would drive along it. Sometimes they would crash into each other and the cops would turn up, call out the local garage, sort it out between them and get the traffic flowing. Sometimes people broke down. They used the roadside phones and a breakdown service would be sent out to assist. Things worked!
And then came Tone and his gang of labour meddlers.
Imagine the scene – our PM and his power mad minions.
Tone says “what upsets Mondeo man (remember him?) more than anything?”
“Traffic Jams!” yell the minions.
“Anything else?”
“Speed Cameras !”
“what about speed cameras?”
“Mondeo Man thinks they are unfair and that there should be more traffic coppers”
“Hmmmm,” says the grinning one as he slowly strokes the white cat on his lap, “I think I may have a plan….”
So the next day they all meet again and Mr Prescott gets out the drawings he did the night before with his crayons.
As they stare at the drawing, someone calls out, “what`s that – it looks like a worm`s eye view of a weightlifter to me”. “Don`t be silly,” grunts Prescott, “it’s the new logo for the Highways Agency – Tone`s gonna tell you all about it”
“Well,” says the Cheshire Cat, “you know how this electorate is so stupid that we have been able to get away with all sorts of nonsense? I`m going to try for the ultimate. I`m going to convince them that the traffic needs “managing”. I`m actually going to make them believe that they wouldn`t get to the end of the street without us So here is what we are going to do:
1. Allow hard shoulder running on the motorway when it`s busy. It could be argued that this is a little dangerous, but it`s cheaper than building an extra lane. And anyway we`d only be able to build an extra lane on the nearside, and we know full well that no bugger ever uses that one.
2. Erect loads of matrix signs along our motorway system so that when Joe Public is sitting in an unexpected traffic jam he will be able to read that he shouldn’t travel at more than 50mph. We can also use them to warn motorists of spray in the road as the water falling out of the sky won`t be enough of a hint. Oh yes, and how about telling everybody some pointless piece of info about something which is going on hundreds of miles away. And we must make sure that we only use english words rather than symbols. We can`t stop the fun of watching a Polish juggernaut plough into a line of stationary traffic while the driver looks up “Queue Ahead” in his Polish/English dictionary.
3. We will have a competition to see who can design the most dangerous motorway junction. At present it`s the on slip from Heathrow terminal 4 to the clockwise M25. During the rush hour, traffic joining here wishing to travel north have to cross three lanes of 70mph traffic to filter with a lane which is either stationary or moving at 10mph.
4. We will introduce automatic traffic speed readers which guess the speed of traffic and then set an appropriate limit. However, we will have a “nobble button” to amuse the operators at night. Imagine the glee on their little faces as they are able to show a limit of 20mph to the one artic on an empty motorway.
5. We will stop letting the cops sort out accidents by calling out the most appropriate recovery service. We will subcontract the management of this to a third party so that everybody makes a nice healthy profit. The stranded motorist? Well f*ck him, he has no say in who comes to rescue him following an accident – what does he think he`s living in, a free country?
6. And Finally my most audacious move – swapping highly trained police officers for men with tinfoil and brooms. We`ll give them important sounding names like “traffic officers” and give them big expensive 4x4s to drive around in so that they feel important. Mr and Mrs average won`t know that they`re not cops, They`ll be driving along saying to each other “Good Old Tony, what a marvelous chap. Look at all the extra policemen he`s given us” I`ll be the toast of the W.I.”
A small voice from the back calls out “But what will they actually do, you Tonynesss?”
“Don`t be so impertinent,” snaps Tone as he flicks the switch which feeds the unfortunate minion to the sharks, “ they won`t actually DO anything. That’s the whole point. They just look good and convince joe public that we are working in his best interests, and once they are used to their presence on the road, we`ll issue our HATOs with all sorts of machinery to turn them into mobile speed cameras. Think of all the profit we`ll make then. In the meantime we`ll let them shovel up the odd bit of debris and make old biddys into oven ready chickens.”
“Oh Tony!” gasp the assembled throng , “That really is quite astounding. Only a true car hater could think up something so clever. How much will it cost?” “Who gives a shit,” says Tone, “I`ll be long gone by the time they work it all out. And then we can blame it all on that Tory mob”
....................................
As you can tell, I am really not a fan of the HA. It really is Bliars legacy – billions spent on something which looks good to the vast majority of the population, but which those of us with our eyes a little wider open can see as a complete and utter waste of money.
No offence is intended to HATOs, you do your job to the best of your ability. It`s just that I really can`t see the point of what you do.
As far as I can see, that can only be the Highways Agency.
Please note, not HATOs in particular, but the HA in general.
Back in the good old days, someone decided whether a new road should be built and the Department of Transport got it built. People would drive along it. Sometimes they would crash into each other and the cops would turn up, call out the local garage, sort it out between them and get the traffic flowing. Sometimes people broke down. They used the roadside phones and a breakdown service would be sent out to assist. Things worked!
And then came Tone and his gang of labour meddlers.
Imagine the scene – our PM and his power mad minions.
Tone says “what upsets Mondeo man (remember him?) more than anything?”
“Traffic Jams!” yell the minions.
“Anything else?”
“Speed Cameras !”
“what about speed cameras?”
“Mondeo Man thinks they are unfair and that there should be more traffic coppers”
“Hmmmm,” says the grinning one as he slowly strokes the white cat on his lap, “I think I may have a plan….”
So the next day they all meet again and Mr Prescott gets out the drawings he did the night before with his crayons.
As they stare at the drawing, someone calls out, “what`s that – it looks like a worm`s eye view of a weightlifter to me”. “Don`t be silly,” grunts Prescott, “it’s the new logo for the Highways Agency – Tone`s gonna tell you all about it”
“Well,” says the Cheshire Cat, “you know how this electorate is so stupid that we have been able to get away with all sorts of nonsense? I`m going to try for the ultimate. I`m going to convince them that the traffic needs “managing”. I`m actually going to make them believe that they wouldn`t get to the end of the street without us So here is what we are going to do:
1. Allow hard shoulder running on the motorway when it`s busy. It could be argued that this is a little dangerous, but it`s cheaper than building an extra lane. And anyway we`d only be able to build an extra lane on the nearside, and we know full well that no bugger ever uses that one.
2. Erect loads of matrix signs along our motorway system so that when Joe Public is sitting in an unexpected traffic jam he will be able to read that he shouldn’t travel at more than 50mph. We can also use them to warn motorists of spray in the road as the water falling out of the sky won`t be enough of a hint. Oh yes, and how about telling everybody some pointless piece of info about something which is going on hundreds of miles away. And we must make sure that we only use english words rather than symbols. We can`t stop the fun of watching a Polish juggernaut plough into a line of stationary traffic while the driver looks up “Queue Ahead” in his Polish/English dictionary.
3. We will have a competition to see who can design the most dangerous motorway junction. At present it`s the on slip from Heathrow terminal 4 to the clockwise M25. During the rush hour, traffic joining here wishing to travel north have to cross three lanes of 70mph traffic to filter with a lane which is either stationary or moving at 10mph.
4. We will introduce automatic traffic speed readers which guess the speed of traffic and then set an appropriate limit. However, we will have a “nobble button” to amuse the operators at night. Imagine the glee on their little faces as they are able to show a limit of 20mph to the one artic on an empty motorway.
5. We will stop letting the cops sort out accidents by calling out the most appropriate recovery service. We will subcontract the management of this to a third party so that everybody makes a nice healthy profit. The stranded motorist? Well f*ck him, he has no say in who comes to rescue him following an accident – what does he think he`s living in, a free country?
6. And Finally my most audacious move – swapping highly trained police officers for men with tinfoil and brooms. We`ll give them important sounding names like “traffic officers” and give them big expensive 4x4s to drive around in so that they feel important. Mr and Mrs average won`t know that they`re not cops, They`ll be driving along saying to each other “Good Old Tony, what a marvelous chap. Look at all the extra policemen he`s given us” I`ll be the toast of the W.I.”
A small voice from the back calls out “But what will they actually do, you Tonynesss?”
“Don`t be so impertinent,” snaps Tone as he flicks the switch which feeds the unfortunate minion to the sharks, “ they won`t actually DO anything. That’s the whole point. They just look good and convince joe public that we are working in his best interests, and once they are used to their presence on the road, we`ll issue our HATOs with all sorts of machinery to turn them into mobile speed cameras. Think of all the profit we`ll make then. In the meantime we`ll let them shovel up the odd bit of debris and make old biddys into oven ready chickens.”
“Oh Tony!” gasp the assembled throng , “That really is quite astounding. Only a true car hater could think up something so clever. How much will it cost?” “Who gives a shit,” says Tone, “I`ll be long gone by the time they work it all out. And then we can blame it all on that Tory mob”
....................................
As you can tell, I am really not a fan of the HA. It really is Bliars legacy – billions spent on something which looks good to the vast majority of the population, but which those of us with our eyes a little wider open can see as a complete and utter waste of money.
No offence is intended to HATOs, you do your job to the best of your ability. It`s just that I really can`t see the point of what you do.
Towie said:
No offence is intended to HATOs, you do your job to the best of your ability. It`s just that I really can`t see the point of what you do.
Good stuff Towie 
Now can you do a thread on why small children should be allowed to work in chimneys?
For some reason (and I only take advantage of the situation, I don't make the rules), things have diversified over the last few years. Police have split into PCSOs and TPSCOs. Simple motorway incidents have been dealt with by ISUs and now HATOs rather than fully trained Traffic Police.
How do you think we can get it back to the good old days?
Towie said:
Vaux said:
Police have split into PCSOs and TPSCOs. Simple motorway incidents have been dealt with by ISUs and now HATOs rather than fully trained Traffic Police.
How do you think we can get it back to the good old days?
By banning alphabetti spaghetti from government canteens?How do you think we can get it back to the good old days?
Towie said:
Vaux said:
How do you think we can get it back to the good old days?
I think it will revert to the good old days when HMG attempt to "arm" HATOs with speed detection equipment. Doubt if the public will stand for it."Doubt if the public will stand for it" - I'm not good on modern British history, but wasn't the poll tax the only thing the Great British public really got upset about ? That hit everyone in their pocket. Anything road related only hits car owners/drivers who do what? Nothing. Wasn't there a slow drive down the M4 once? How many drivers out there? How many read Pistonheads/SafeSpeed/ABD etc. Any Government can make HATOs look good and spin it so that they will be useful. Gov. managed with the Iraq War quite easily.
esselte said:
Vaux said:
Anything road related only hits car owners/drivers .
That's only about 20 million voters then.......Edited by esselte on Thursday 7th June 10:22
These are real issues and your common driver has a bit of a moan and carries on.
Giving HATOs more powers? Who cares except about three posters on here?
Vaux said:
esselte said:
Vaux said:
Anything road related only hits car owners/drivers .
That's only about 20 million voters then.......Edited by esselte on Thursday 7th June 10:22
These are real issues and your common driver has a bit of a moan and carries on.
Giving HATOs more powers? Who cares except about three posters on here?
If you have a flat tyre on the motorway, would you prefer to change it with or without a bloomin great 4x4 with flashing lights sat 50yds behind you?
Would you liek to remove an HGV tyre from the fast lane by yourself, or with the front of your car at 70mph? Or perhaps you'd like a HATO to do it for you?
ANd no, I'm nto a HATO and nor to I have any connection with them. I just dont see why people go round HATO-bashing on every car forum I've seen.
Would you liek to remove an HGV tyre from the fast lane by yourself, or with the front of your car at 70mph? Or perhaps you'd like a HATO to do it for you?
ANd no, I'm nto a HATO and nor to I have any connection with them. I just dont see why people go round HATO-bashing on every car forum I've seen.
herewego said:
If I break down on the motorway and a HATO comes to help or offer a piece of cake I'll be very happy. Do you carry petrol, because I once ran out on a motorway?
Running out of fuel is not clever. I can think of a couple of situations where it's understandable, but 99% is down to drivers' poor planning.Lecture over
. HATOs don't carry fuel (H&S and stepping on recovery service's toes), but it's not unheard of to "assist" motorists in certain situations.I haven't given cake out, but I've given out the occassional Mars Bar or Fruisli Bar to diabetics. And tea/coffee sometimes. And water.
Check out this film - would be interested in any feedback:
http://www.public.tv/programmes.php?PID=1993&T...
Goochie said:
If you have a flat tyre on the motorway, would you prefer to change it with or without a bloomin great 4x4 with flashing lights sat 50yds behind you?
Would you liek to remove an HGV tyre from the fast lane by yourself, or with the front of your car at 70mph? Or perhaps you'd like a HATO to do it for you?
ANd no, I'm nto a HATO and nor to I have any connection with them. I just dont see why people go round HATO-bashing on every car forum I've seen.
Goochie, you're far too sensible and not emotive enough for this forum! Please leave immediately Would you liek to remove an HGV tyre from the fast lane by yourself, or with the front of your car at 70mph? Or perhaps you'd like a HATO to do it for you?
ANd no, I'm nto a HATO and nor to I have any connection with them. I just dont see why people go round HATO-bashing on every car forum I've seen.
Vaux said:
herewego said:
If I break down on the motorway and a HATO comes to help or offer a piece of cake I'll be very happy. Do you carry petrol, because I once ran out on a motorway?
Running out of fuel is not clever. I can think of a couple of situations where it's understandable, but 99% is down to drivers' poor planning.Lecture over
. HATOs don't carry fuel (H&S and stepping on recovery service's toes), but it's not unheard of to "assist" motorists in certain situations.I haven't given cake out, but I've given out the occassional Mars Bar or Fruisli Bar to diabetics. And tea/coffee sometimes. And water.
Check out this film - would be interested in any feedback:
http://www.public.tv/programmes.php?PID=1993&T...
Press release, for immediate release.
The Highways Agency have announced that Agency vehicles will carry corporate sponsorship and advertisements.
8< snip 8<
In order to provide a better and much improved service to stranded motorists, Traffic Officer vehicles will now bear the Krispy Kreme logo, and fresh baked glazed doughnuts will be provided, other cake and pastry products as available.
The LED flashing light bars are to be replaced by the familiar red Krispy Kreme Hot Now sign.
8< snip 8<
The Highways Agency advises drivers that if they are not offered a free glazed original then they should report this on the Highways Agency Hot Line
0800-GAFFERJIM.
Press release ends.
:wanders away whistling innocently:
The Highways Agency have announced that Agency vehicles will carry corporate sponsorship and advertisements.
8< snip 8<
In order to provide a better and much improved service to stranded motorists, Traffic Officer vehicles will now bear the Krispy Kreme logo, and fresh baked glazed doughnuts will be provided, other cake and pastry products as available.
The LED flashing light bars are to be replaced by the familiar red Krispy Kreme Hot Now sign.
8< snip 8<
The Highways Agency advises drivers that if they are not offered a free glazed original then they should report this on the Highways Agency Hot Line
0800-GAFFERJIM.
Press release ends.
:wanders away whistling innocently:
Flat in Fifth said:
In order to provide a better and much improved service to stranded motorists, Traffic Officer vehicles will now bear the Krispy Kreme logo, and fresh baked glazed doughnuts will be provided, other cake and pastry products as available.
Now that's just silly - how are we going to get the doughnuts away from Plod in the first place........? 
herewego said:
Do you get a free lecture with that?
Jeez - touched a nerve with the lecture thing!Believe it or not many people appreciate simple safety advice. How this gets put over is another thing. Maybe "lecture" evokes something bad from your past? Anyhow, there was a smiley with it!
Ahh, the good old days when the central reserve was nothing more than some subbery
When there were 3 cars per mile of lane - which made collecting debris easiser by a criminal investigator wearing a white hat
When the public actually drove sensible
When the police listened to the DfT and took instructions on how to police the motorways
>>Fast Forward>>
:looks out of window:
Wow! It's different now isn't it dad?!?
When there were 3 cars per mile of lane - which made collecting debris easiser by a criminal investigator wearing a white hat
When the public actually drove sensible
When the police listened to the DfT and took instructions on how to police the motorways
>>Fast Forward>>
:looks out of window:
Wow! It's different now isn't it dad?!?
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