Driving rules that need changing(to fit in with the norm)
Discussion
When leaving the motorway only indicate with 25 yards to go and then do only 3 flashes.
When approaching a mini roundabout give way to traffic from your left and right, only move forward when the guy behind pips his horn.
When parking half on the pavement don't leave enough room for mothers with prams to get past, you may want to check on the cost of replacement door mirrors first.
Please add to............
When approaching a mini roundabout give way to traffic from your left and right, only move forward when the guy behind pips his horn.
When parking half on the pavement don't leave enough room for mothers with prams to get past, you may want to check on the cost of replacement door mirrors first.
Please add to............
Women (and Transvestites) are allowed to apply make-up whilst driving.
Men (and female History teachers) are required by law to pick their nose if stationary for more than 15 seconds
In torrential rain or other poor grip conditions, you are allowed to close to within 6" of the car in front whilst maintaining a steady 85mph
Whilst on the motorway, if the car in front brakes, automatically brake - when combined with the above, creates a pretty ripple effect, and occasionally accidents at the back of the convoy
Double yellow lines don't apply if you're just nipping to the cash point/off-licence/take-away/school-run.
Don't plan ahead and move in plenty of time when leaving a motorway at your required exit; instead leave it until the last 50yds, brake heavily in the outside lane, before barrelling across all three/four lanes and onto the slip-road with inches to spare. Don't forget to nearly take the front off someone, and it is a requirement to cause at least one HGV to emergency brake to avoid punting your retarded f*ckwit arse into the Berkshire scenery you gormless twunt.
Men (and female History teachers) are required by law to pick their nose if stationary for more than 15 seconds
In torrential rain or other poor grip conditions, you are allowed to close to within 6" of the car in front whilst maintaining a steady 85mph
Whilst on the motorway, if the car in front brakes, automatically brake - when combined with the above, creates a pretty ripple effect, and occasionally accidents at the back of the convoy
Double yellow lines don't apply if you're just nipping to the cash point/off-licence/take-away/school-run.
Don't plan ahead and move in plenty of time when leaving a motorway at your required exit; instead leave it until the last 50yds, brake heavily in the outside lane, before barrelling across all three/four lanes and onto the slip-road with inches to spare. Don't forget to nearly take the front off someone, and it is a requirement to cause at least one HGV to emergency brake to avoid punting your retarded f*ckwit arse into the Berkshire scenery you gormless twunt.
Indicators should never be used on a round-about (unless to deliberately confuse other drivers)
Fog lights should be illuminated at all times.
Tractors should only pull over once at least 25 vehicles are following behind.
After being overtaken by a dozen or so vehicles, cyclists should undertake if the vehicles are stopped at a red light so that they have to repeat the process again.
Double yellow lines are not enforcable if you park with your hazard lights switched on.
Fog lights should be illuminated at all times.
Tractors should only pull over once at least 25 vehicles are following behind.
After being overtaken by a dozen or so vehicles, cyclists should undertake if the vehicles are stopped at a red light so that they have to repeat the process again.
Double yellow lines are not enforcable if you park with your hazard lights switched on.
Edited by Puddenchucker on Tuesday 11th September 20:11
Some more...
When using the hard-shoulder, do not build up speed on the hard shoulder before rejoining the motorway. Simply pull out into the nearside lane and accelerate away - don't worry, everyone else will avoid you.
If you have a puncture on the motorway, you are required by law to jack the car up, remove the affected road wheel, then stop and wait for the recovery services because you can't figure out how to remove the space saver from the boot.
If you break down and have to pull onto the side of the road, you are required by law to open the bonnet - even though you have no idea of the nature of the failure and don't know what any of the oily bits actually do - this is to reinforce to other road users that your car has broken down.
Chauffeurs are obliged to have at least one box of tissues on the parcel shelf of their S-Class (other cars are exempt). The box must remain out of reach of rear seat passengers at all times.
When using the hard-shoulder, do not build up speed on the hard shoulder before rejoining the motorway. Simply pull out into the nearside lane and accelerate away - don't worry, everyone else will avoid you.
If you have a puncture on the motorway, you are required by law to jack the car up, remove the affected road wheel, then stop and wait for the recovery services because you can't figure out how to remove the space saver from the boot.
If you break down and have to pull onto the side of the road, you are required by law to open the bonnet - even though you have no idea of the nature of the failure and don't know what any of the oily bits actually do - this is to reinforce to other road users that your car has broken down.
Chauffeurs are obliged to have at least one box of tissues on the parcel shelf of their S-Class (other cars are exempt). The box must remain out of reach of rear seat passengers at all times.
Adoption of some Nigerian driving laws would help:
Going sraight on at a junction? Remember to switch on your hazards. Obvious. isn't it?
3 lane highway congested? Come on, there's a pavement or verge on one side and a central reservation on the other. Use them! You may have the opportunity to practise your high speed avoidance skills as oncoming traffic will also like to share "your" side of the road.
Stopped by the police? Ask how his family are, give him a quid and wave bye bye to your new friend.
Car broke down in the middle of the road? It's ok, just let it be repaired there, it's far too dangerous to push it out of the way.
And if your Articulated Truck breaks down in the outside lane, it's ok. Walk away and leave it overnight with no lights until you can find a mechanic over the next day or two. The wrecked Peuogeots under the trailer will provide a rich source of spares for your mechanics brother.
Always try to keep the longest possible gap from the car behind.
Remember, it's an offence to drive an unroadworthy car. Go to your local vehicle licensing office and purchase your certificate. Since they will not inspect the vehicle it would be churlish not to.
Going sraight on at a junction? Remember to switch on your hazards. Obvious. isn't it?
3 lane highway congested? Come on, there's a pavement or verge on one side and a central reservation on the other. Use them! You may have the opportunity to practise your high speed avoidance skills as oncoming traffic will also like to share "your" side of the road.
Stopped by the police? Ask how his family are, give him a quid and wave bye bye to your new friend.
Car broke down in the middle of the road? It's ok, just let it be repaired there, it's far too dangerous to push it out of the way.
And if your Articulated Truck breaks down in the outside lane, it's ok. Walk away and leave it overnight with no lights until you can find a mechanic over the next day or two. The wrecked Peuogeots under the trailer will provide a rich source of spares for your mechanics brother.
Always try to keep the longest possible gap from the car behind.
Remember, it's an offence to drive an unroadworthy car. Go to your local vehicle licensing office and purchase your certificate. Since they will not inspect the vehicle it would be churlish not to.
1) When driving a diesel and a faster car comes up behind you, drop a gear, let out a belch of black smoke and show them your "wall of torque". When faster car manages to stay with you, gesticulate widly with your hands.
2) Do not use the inside lane of a motorway. It is the lorry lane and besides it is full of ruts
3) It is permissable to stay in the outside lane of a motorway regardless of how empty the other two lanes are providing you want to travel at least 1mph faster then the car in front.
4) On a motorway / DC there is no need to retain the left lane after an overtake providing you can see a car in front of you.
5) When travelling in a queue of traffic and you are unable to overtake, ensure that you close the gap to the car in front to prevent anyone else overtaking
6) If you see someone overtaking flashing your lights widely at them.
7) During day light hours ensure you drive with your front fogs on. If it rains then drive with rear fog lights on. At night drive on side lights
2) Do not use the inside lane of a motorway. It is the lorry lane and besides it is full of ruts
3) It is permissable to stay in the outside lane of a motorway regardless of how empty the other two lanes are providing you want to travel at least 1mph faster then the car in front.
4) On a motorway / DC there is no need to retain the left lane after an overtake providing you can see a car in front of you.
5) When travelling in a queue of traffic and you are unable to overtake, ensure that you close the gap to the car in front to prevent anyone else overtaking
6) If you see someone overtaking flashing your lights widely at them.
7) During day light hours ensure you drive with your front fogs on. If it rains then drive with rear fog lights on. At night drive on side lights
It's illegal for anyone to drive faster than you. Ensure at all times, that you always pull out in front of anyone attempting to drive past you.
Never drive in the same lane on a motorway as anyone else. If another vehicle pulls into your lane you must immediately change lanes without checking any mirrors.
Never drive in the same lane on a motorway as anyone else. If another vehicle pulls into your lane you must immediately change lanes without checking any mirrors.
The egyptians have it right:
Dont use headlights, they waste energy, only flash them when you see sidelights 50 yards in front of you at 60mph on a single lane road and commence a shared swerve manouvre.
Reassure your passengers that god is looking after you, theres no need to panic.
And from our own shores:
When driving past a cyclist, as soon as the cyclist has disappeared behind your windscreen level he/she no longer exists in this plane of space/time - pull left or even TURN left without signaling, safe in the knowledge that the cyclist is no more.
Queue for 400 yards, through a junction when approaching a roadworks system where two lanes narrow to one. Ignore the fact that the roadworks are so placed to enable FILTERING of two lanes together to maintain a clear junction behind. In fact, if you can, span the centre line to prevent anyone passing who might wish to use the road correctly - hell if you have to queue in single file through a junction, they bloody well will too.
When driving a wagon, feel free to swerve repeatedly 50% into the next lane - its ok to be tired or reading a map, its your job.
At lights on a dual carriageway, despite being the only other car on the road, you MUST pull up NEXT to the 300hp sports car in front of you because you are clearly going to be the faster of the two, and not at all in the way of other traffic that didnt have to stop for the lights while you meander back into the inside lane having realised you're in a tin shopping box, not a fast car.
In your nippy TDCi mondeo it is the law that you must attempt to race fast cars off the line at every junction, even if they dont follow suit forcing you to pull back in each time so they will overtake and let you try again, and even if they leave you for dead each and every time.
You must lump all cars and drivers with vents and large exhausts into the boy racer catagory and throw abuse at them, despite not realising they are standard issue on a '90 vehicle. Its not that they care, its just that they feel sorry for your whinging green face.
When passing a cyclist on a road, yell at them that they should be using the pavement. After all, YOU pay for the road and they don't. Despite them having 2 cars as well as the bike and therefore paying twice the road tax you do already.
I could go on, but the legislative process would get bogged down
Dont use headlights, they waste energy, only flash them when you see sidelights 50 yards in front of you at 60mph on a single lane road and commence a shared swerve manouvre.
Reassure your passengers that god is looking after you, theres no need to panic.
And from our own shores:
When driving past a cyclist, as soon as the cyclist has disappeared behind your windscreen level he/she no longer exists in this plane of space/time - pull left or even TURN left without signaling, safe in the knowledge that the cyclist is no more.
Queue for 400 yards, through a junction when approaching a roadworks system where two lanes narrow to one. Ignore the fact that the roadworks are so placed to enable FILTERING of two lanes together to maintain a clear junction behind. In fact, if you can, span the centre line to prevent anyone passing who might wish to use the road correctly - hell if you have to queue in single file through a junction, they bloody well will too.
When driving a wagon, feel free to swerve repeatedly 50% into the next lane - its ok to be tired or reading a map, its your job.
At lights on a dual carriageway, despite being the only other car on the road, you MUST pull up NEXT to the 300hp sports car in front of you because you are clearly going to be the faster of the two, and not at all in the way of other traffic that didnt have to stop for the lights while you meander back into the inside lane having realised you're in a tin shopping box, not a fast car.
In your nippy TDCi mondeo it is the law that you must attempt to race fast cars off the line at every junction, even if they dont follow suit forcing you to pull back in each time so they will overtake and let you try again, and even if they leave you for dead each and every time.
You must lump all cars and drivers with vents and large exhausts into the boy racer catagory and throw abuse at them, despite not realising they are standard issue on a '90 vehicle. Its not that they care, its just that they feel sorry for your whinging green face.
When passing a cyclist on a road, yell at them that they should be using the pavement. After all, YOU pay for the road and they don't. Despite them having 2 cars as well as the bike and therefore paying twice the road tax you do already.
I could go on, but the legislative process would get bogged down
Coyoteboy said:
The egyptians have it right:
Dont use headlights, they waste energy, only flash them when you see sidelights 50 yards in front of you at 60mph on a single lane road and commence a shared swerve manouvre.
Reassure your passengers that god is looking after you, theres no need to panic...
Did you go to Luxor by any chance!Dont use headlights, they waste energy, only flash them when you see sidelights 50 yards in front of you at 60mph on a single lane road and commence a shared swerve manouvre.
Reassure your passengers that god is looking after you, theres no need to panic...
I soon realised it was not just our driver. Their driving laws seem to completely ignore that modern cars have indicators and to indicate your intention to move/stop/turn left/turn right/change lane is passed on by a morse code of horn beeps!
1. If you make a mistake, for example pulling out in front of someone at the roundabout but failing to move faster than a snail's pace, ensure that any flashing of headlights/tooting is replied to with a cheery "wa***r" sign.
2. If you see a flash car on the road, the driver will be a "wan***" and will need reminding of this as you pass him.
3. If going straight on at roundabouts, do not worry about any vehicle who may be travelling on the roundabout, as you straighten it, he will slow down to let you swerve across his nose.
4. When turning right at a roundabout, ensure you put the left indicater on at the earliest opportunity, ideally before even entering the roundabout, then proceed merrily round.
5. If you are eating/drinking/smoking and have finished, ensure you discard the object out of the drivers side window so it hits the car behind, do not under any circumstances return home with any empty cans nor dirty your ashtray.
6. If you pull out of a slip road, ensure you accelerate at the slowest possible pace, the cars following you want to slow down (this is especially true when a motorway slip road)
7. When the lights turn red, if it has only been for a few seconds, you still have right of way.
8. If you drive a Mercedes/Audi/BMW (and certain 4*4s including Range Rover) the highway code does not apply to you. You may proceed any way you wish.
9. When driving at night on the motorway, full beam is mandatory.
2. If you see a flash car on the road, the driver will be a "wan***" and will need reminding of this as you pass him.
3. If going straight on at roundabouts, do not worry about any vehicle who may be travelling on the roundabout, as you straighten it, he will slow down to let you swerve across his nose.
4. When turning right at a roundabout, ensure you put the left indicater on at the earliest opportunity, ideally before even entering the roundabout, then proceed merrily round.
5. If you are eating/drinking/smoking and have finished, ensure you discard the object out of the drivers side window so it hits the car behind, do not under any circumstances return home with any empty cans nor dirty your ashtray.
6. If you pull out of a slip road, ensure you accelerate at the slowest possible pace, the cars following you want to slow down (this is especially true when a motorway slip road)
7. When the lights turn red, if it has only been for a few seconds, you still have right of way.
8. If you drive a Mercedes/Audi/BMW (and certain 4*4s including Range Rover) the highway code does not apply to you. You may proceed any way you wish.
9. When driving at night on the motorway, full beam is mandatory.
Edited by Jasandjules on Wednesday 12th September 10:14
1. Don't follow the "idiot lines" on big roundabouts, just take the racing line. Give the w
r sign if someone gets cross with your fine driving.
2. If you want to overtake on a dual carriageway and you're about to be overtaken yourself just pull out anyway, it's wasier for the car behind you to stamp on the brakes than for you to wait another 15 seconds.
r sign if someone gets cross with your fine driving.2. If you want to overtake on a dual carriageway and you're about to be overtaken yourself just pull out anyway, it's wasier for the car behind you to stamp on the brakes than for you to wait another 15 seconds.
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