Suggestions for popular police training courses

[havoc]

Following on from 'The Times' thread and (sort of) in the vein of the 'Court - FPN - Warn' thread. But to be taken totally tongue-in-cheek...

What training courses seem to be most commonplace in your local force, judging by the actions of coppers. Or, what seem completely absent.

I'll start:-
- Sarcasm (Basic, Intermediate, and Advanced)
- Gentle strolling 101
- Refusing to answer simple questions 1.1


Absent though are:-
- Helping customers fall down stairs 1.1
- Advanced Driving (aka "Make sure the other lane is clear before bombing down it at nearly twice the speed limit" )

Edited by havoc on Thursday 13th September 16:37

[tribbles]

Stating the obvious

[Sgt Bilko]

Condescending Attitude for beginners

[andmole]

havoc said:

Following on from 'The Times' thread and (sort of) in the vein of the 'Court - FPN - Warn' thread. But to be taken totally tongue-in-cheek...

What training courses seem to be most commonplace in your local force, judging by the actions of coppers. Or, what seem completely absent.

I'll start:-
- Sarcasm (Basic, Intermediate, and Advanced)
- Gentle strolling 101
- Refusing to answer simple questions 1.1


Absent though are:-
- Helping customers fall down stairs 1.1
- Advanced Driving (aka "Make sure the other lane is clear before bombing down it at nearly twice the speed limit" )

Edited by havoc on Thursday 13th September 16:37

Have one of these

[Dibble]

We could probably do with:

"How to react when the third unemployed scrote of the day says " off you I pays your wages you can't ing do that I'll ing have your job you stupid fat ".

[Chrispy Porker]

...and you're only doing this because I am black/white. Why don't you go and catch some rapists?

[Dibble]

How to reply to:

"Do you know who I am?"

and

"I'm actually close perosnal freinds with the Chief Constable/Mayor/Judge..."

[s2art]

Dibble said:

How to reply to:

"Do you know who I am?"

and

"I'm actually close perosnal freinds with the Chief Constable/Mayor/Judge..."

Surely
a) Why, have you forgotten who you are? Dont worry we will get you help.

b) Dont worry, If they are a good friend they will find it in their hearts to forgive you.

[Dibble]

s2art said:

Dibble said:

How to reply to:

"Do you know who I am?"

and

"I'm actually close perosnal freinds with the Chief Constable/Mayor/Judge..."

Surely
a) Why, have you forgotten who you are? Dont worry we will get you help.

b) Dont worry, If they are a good friend they will find it in their hearts to forgive you.

I have previously replied to the "Do you now who I am?" line with "If you just give me a couple of seconds to get my notebook and pen out, and then I won't have to try and recall it from memory when we see each other later on in Court..."

[havoc]

Dibble said:

I have previously replied to the "Do you know who I am?" line with "If you just give me a couple of seconds to get my notebook and pen out, and then I won't have to try and recall it from memory when we see each other later on in Court..."

You see...the training course paid off Dibble!

[Mg6b]

Course in managing to somehow produce and provide more officers than the 10 I have on duty to service the demands of the control room who yet again have 31 urgent and immediate attendance jobs on their screen and no one to go because everyone is already committed because their performance targets are aimed at getting the jobs allocated to someone for ownership in line with the service level agreements and policy set by the Senior management team and the Home office who appear to live somewhere between Nirvana and the land of milk and honey.

[andmole]

Mg6b said:

Course in managing to somehow produce and provide more officers than the 10 I have on duty to service the demands of the control room who yet again have 31 urgent and immediate attendance jobs on their screen and no one to go because everyone is already committed because their performance targets are aimed at getting the jobs allocated to someone for ownership in line with the service level agreements and policy set by the Senior management team and the Home office who appear to live somewhere between Nirvana and the land of milk and honey.

A course on punctuation wouldn't go amiss either.

Seriously though, good point, well made

[Zeeky]

Chrispy Porker said:

...and you're only doing this because I am black/white. Why don't you go and catch some rapists?

Yorkshire Ripper was stopped for dodgy number plates wasn't he?

[Strangely Brown]

Needed:
Classic put-downs 101. - An optional extension of Advanced Sarcasm.
Be nice - Introduction and Application

Already there:
Time be not nice. - Standard.
Time to be not nice - Weapons option 1.

[John57]

andmole said:

Mg6b said:

Course in managing to somehow produce and provide more officers than the 10 I have on duty to service the demands of the control room who yet again have 31 urgent and immediate attendance jobs on their screen and no one to go because everyone is already committed because their performance targets are aimed at getting the jobs allocated to someone for ownership in line with the service level agreements and policy set by the Senior management team and the Home office who appear to live somewhere between Nirvana and the land of milk and honey.

A course on punctuation wouldn't go amiss either.

Seriously though, good point, well made

[Mg6b]

andmole said:

Mg6b said:

Course in managing to somehow produce and provide more officers than the 10 I have on duty to service the demands of the control room who yet again have 31 urgent and immediate attendance jobs on their screen and no one to go because everyone is already committed because their performance targets are aimed at getting the jobs allocated to someone for ownership in line with the service level agreements and policy set by the Senior management team and the Home office who appear to live somewhere between Nirvana and the land of milk and honey.

A course on punctuation wouldn't go amiss either.

Seriously though, good point, well made

I was in rage mode at that moment and rage mode does not cater for punctuation.
Do you have a wife?
You will know what I mean then as lack of punctuation is substituted by their ability to talk without taking a breath!

[andmole]

Mg6b said:

andmole said:

Mg6b said:

Course in managing to somehow produce and provide more officers than the 10 I have on duty to service the demands of the control room who yet again have 31 urgent and immediate attendance jobs on their screen and no one to go because everyone is already committed because their performance targets are aimed at getting the jobs allocated to someone for ownership in line with the service level agreements and policy set by the Senior management team and the Home office who appear to live somewhere between Nirvana and the land of milk and honey.

A course on punctuation wouldn't go amiss either.

Seriously though, good point, well made

I was in rage mode at that moment and rage mode does not cater for punctuation.
Do you have a wife?
You will know what I mean then as lack of punctuation is substituted by their ability to talk without taking a breath!

Yes, married 21 years, so I know what you mean.

[delboy735]

How to win friends and influence people!

[delboy735]

andmole said:

Mg6b said:

andmole said:

Mg6b said:

Course in managing to somehow produce and provide more officers than the 10 I have on duty to service the demands of the control room who yet again have 31 urgent and immediate attendance jobs on their screen and no one to go because everyone is already committed because their performance targets are aimed at getting the jobs allocated to someone for ownership in line with the service level agreements and policy set by the Senior management team and the Home office who appear to live somewhere between Nirvana and the land of milk and honey.

A course on punctuation wouldn't go amiss either.

Seriously though, good point, well made

I was in rage mode at that moment and rage mode does not cater for punctuation.
Do you have a wife?
You will know what I mean then as lack of punctuation is substituted by their ability to talk without taking a breath!

Yes, married 21 years, so I know what you mean.

[wasted years]

Chrispy Porker said:

...and you're only doing this because I am black/white. Why don't you go and catch some rapists?

I know a certain Traffic Officer who when issuing a ticket was asked, "Why don't you catch the rapists and burglars?!" To which he has called up on the radio asking control if there were any outstanding rapists or burglars in the area. With the radio turned up for the benefit of the motorist, control came back with, "No one outstanding".

Ticket issued with no further conversation and one rather humbled motorist!