Worst classic car bodge ever seen
Discussion
Recently looked over a Commer campervan, ad' told me it was good condition blah blah blah.
Drove the 100 miles or so and upon arrival the van sat in the drive of the seller. Rust bursting through in all the usual places, can I lift the front carpets I ask, seller does this and explains about the underlay being 'a little damp', sopping wet more like. Starts the engine and it's only firing on three pots, but the real horror was underneath the vehicle. A rubber hose was plastic cable tied to a section of plate steel running from the fuel tank to the engine. Yup, cable tied fuel line which was not even a bona fide fuel pipe!!
Drove the 100 miles or so and upon arrival the van sat in the drive of the seller. Rust bursting through in all the usual places, can I lift the front carpets I ask, seller does this and explains about the underlay being 'a little damp', sopping wet more like. Starts the engine and it's only firing on three pots, but the real horror was underneath the vehicle. A rubber hose was plastic cable tied to a section of plate steel running from the fuel tank to the engine. Yup, cable tied fuel line which was not even a bona fide fuel pipe!!
Years ago, my neighbour bought a '65 Zodiac. Lovely car, but it wasn't quite as smooth as the old 6 pot should be. He decided to give it a service with plugs, points oil etc.. When we looked closely at the plugs with a view to removing them, one of the middle plugs was a carefully carved bit of wooden dowel! WTF!! How stupid!
The new plugs were gapped and changed and before doing anything else, we took it for a run to see if it ran smoother. Got to the end of the street and there was a loud, whumpf sound from under the bonnet with lots of smoke.
Turns out, that not only was there no plug, there was no piston and conrod either! The petrol vapour was ignited by the new plug in that cylinder.. It was a good car though, once the motor was fixed and it ran for many more miles.
Years ago, I got a lift in a Morris Minor. coming out of the steel dash was a grommet through which a bit of string with a knob hung. Every so often, the driver would yank the string a few times quite vigorously. Intrigued, I had to ask and and it turn out that the string was attached to an SU fuel pump and when the driver heard it stop ticking, he would tug the string to shake it to start working again.
The new plugs were gapped and changed and before doing anything else, we took it for a run to see if it ran smoother. Got to the end of the street and there was a loud, whumpf sound from under the bonnet with lots of smoke.
Turns out, that not only was there no plug, there was no piston and conrod either! The petrol vapour was ignited by the new plug in that cylinder.. It was a good car though, once the motor was fixed and it ran for many more miles.
Years ago, I got a lift in a Morris Minor. coming out of the steel dash was a grommet through which a bit of string with a knob hung. Every so often, the driver would yank the string a few times quite vigorously. Intrigued, I had to ask and and it turn out that the string was attached to an SU fuel pump and when the driver heard it stop ticking, he would tug the string to shake it to start working again.
steveL98 said:
Years ago, my neighbour bought a '65 Zodiac. Lovely car, but it wasn't quite as smooth as the old 6 pot should be. He decided to give it a service with plugs, points oil etc.. When we looked closely at the plugs with a view to removing them, one of the middle plugs was a carefully carved bit of wooden dowel! WTF!! How stupid!
The new plugs were gapped and changed and before doing anything else, we took it for a run to see if it ran smoother. Got to the end of the street and there was a loud, whumpf sound from under the bonnet with lots of smoke.
Turns out, that not only was there no plug, there was no piston and conrod either! The petrol vapour was ignited by the new plug in that cylinder.. It was a good car though, once the motor was fixed and it ran for many more miles.
Years ago, I got a lift in a Morris Minor. coming out of the steel dash was a grommet through which a bit of string with a knob hung. Every so often, the driver would yank the string a few times quite vigorously. Intrigued, I had to ask and and it turn out that the string was attached to an SU fuel pump and when the driver heard it stop ticking, he would tug the string to shake it to start working again.
I used to carry a half-housebrick in my Moggie Traveller for that eventuality. Just a good tap on the pump and it would re-start.The new plugs were gapped and changed and before doing anything else, we took it for a run to see if it ran smoother. Got to the end of the street and there was a loud, whumpf sound from under the bonnet with lots of smoke.
Turns out, that not only was there no plug, there was no piston and conrod either! The petrol vapour was ignited by the new plug in that cylinder.. It was a good car though, once the motor was fixed and it ran for many more miles.
Years ago, I got a lift in a Morris Minor. coming out of the steel dash was a grommet through which a bit of string with a knob hung. Every so often, the driver would yank the string a few times quite vigorously. Intrigued, I had to ask and and it turn out that the string was attached to an SU fuel pump and when the driver heard it stop ticking, he would tug the string to shake it to start working again.
It was some years ago that I bought a Volvo 244 very... very cheap at auction. No MOT but otherwise quite nice.
MOT result showed good handbrake, good feel in the pedal but footbrake on 3 wheels only. Zero efficiency on the remaining wheel. Investigation revealed that when the pads had worn out the previous owner had just carried on using it 'til the baseplate ground the disc away to nothing and it had probablyjust fallen out onto the road. A block of wood in the caliper had restored feel to the pedal and the car had been dispatched to auction.
Secondhand parts got me a new 'ticket' on a very reliable old motor that was sold on for a small profit over a year later.
MOT result showed good handbrake, good feel in the pedal but footbrake on 3 wheels only. Zero efficiency on the remaining wheel. Investigation revealed that when the pads had worn out the previous owner had just carried on using it 'til the baseplate ground the disc away to nothing and it had probablyjust fallen out onto the road. A block of wood in the caliper had restored feel to the pedal and the car had been dispatched to auction.
Secondhand parts got me a new 'ticket' on a very reliable old motor that was sold on for a small profit over a year later.
nicanary said:
steveL98 said:
Years ago, my neighbour bought a '65 Zodiac. Lovely car, but it wasn't quite as smooth as the old 6 pot should be. He decided to give it a service with plugs, points oil etc.. When we looked closely at the plugs with a view to removing them, one of the middle plugs was a carefully carved bit of wooden dowel! WTF!! How stupid!
The new plugs were gapped and changed and before doing anything else, we took it for a run to see if it ran smoother. Got to the end of the street and there was a loud, whumpf sound from under the bonnet with lots of smoke.
Turns out, that not only was there no plug, there was no piston and conrod either! The petrol vapour was ignited by the new plug in that cylinder.. It was a good car though, once the motor was fixed and it ran for many more miles.
Years ago, I got a lift in a Morris Minor. coming out of the steel dash was a grommet through which a bit of string with a knob hung. Every so often, the driver would yank the string a few times quite vigorously. Intrigued, I had to ask and and it turn out that the string was attached to an SU fuel pump and when the driver heard it stop ticking, he would tug the string to shake it to start working again.
I used to carry a half-housebrick in my Moggie Traveller for that eventuality. Just a good tap on the pump and it would re-start.The new plugs were gapped and changed and before doing anything else, we took it for a run to see if it ran smoother. Got to the end of the street and there was a loud, whumpf sound from under the bonnet with lots of smoke.
Turns out, that not only was there no plug, there was no piston and conrod either! The petrol vapour was ignited by the new plug in that cylinder.. It was a good car though, once the motor was fixed and it ran for many more miles.
Years ago, I got a lift in a Morris Minor. coming out of the steel dash was a grommet through which a bit of string with a knob hung. Every so often, the driver would yank the string a few times quite vigorously. Intrigued, I had to ask and and it turn out that the string was attached to an SU fuel pump and when the driver heard it stop ticking, he would tug the string to shake it to start working again.
Years back I flew up 1 way ticket to Glasgow from Bristol to buy an award winning 60's Beetle with custom paint job and 1776cc race engine. The owner picked me up from airport and drove me to a slightly dodgy part of the city. Opened the garage and oh my. The paint work was all bubbling and the best bit was the engine had been replaced with a tatty old 1300cc, even with the twin carbs had gone. I said the photos you sent are not representative of the condition or even showing what the car currently is. She said those where the only pictures she had available. I asked where the engine had gone, she said it had some problems so she left it with the garage for a couple of weeks and they said they fixed it. I said I think they swapped it more like, she said it did feel a lot slower. So either a bit dim or lying through her teeth. Got a cab and flew home, utterly shocked.
crankedup said:
Recently looked over a Commer campervan, ad' told me it was good condition blah blah blah.
Drove the 100 miles or so and upon arrival the van sat in the drive of the seller. Rust bursting through in all the usual places, can I lift the front carpets I ask, seller does this and explains about the underlay being 'a little damp', sopping wet more like. Starts the engine and it's only firing on three pots, but the real horror was underneath the vehicle. A rubber hose was plastic cable tied to a section of plate steel running from the fuel tank to the engine. Yup, cable tied fuel line which was not even a bona fide fuel pipe!!
I saw an IKA Torino filling up in Patagonia which had a big plastic drum in the boot for a petrol tank, a rag stuffed in the top to close it, and the full line ran up the C-pillar, along the gutter and back down the windscreen pillar to the engine. I asked the owner if he though it was dangerous, and he just said 'cojones' and grabbed his crotch!Drove the 100 miles or so and upon arrival the van sat in the drive of the seller. Rust bursting through in all the usual places, can I lift the front carpets I ask, seller does this and explains about the underlay being 'a little damp', sopping wet more like. Starts the engine and it's only firing on three pots, but the real horror was underneath the vehicle. A rubber hose was plastic cable tied to a section of plate steel running from the fuel tank to the engine. Yup, cable tied fuel line which was not even a bona fide fuel pipe!!
Edited by tog on Tuesday 17th October 11:15
Back in the 90s, there was a Citroen GSA advertised in the local paper. No MOT - the fail sheet was with it: a little welding under the battery tray (already done), and one rear brake not doing much. Well, that's hardly unusual - they stick, because they don't do much unless there's a load in the boot.
Had a look over it, and the shell looked good. The speedo cable had been "disconnected" with an oxy torch, which was odd... And the clutch slipped. Oh, wow, did the clutch slip. The bloke selling it said "It's meant to do that - it's air-cooled, so when you put your foot down, the fan goes faster to keep it cool..." Full marks for originality, at least.
Still, for a ton and a half, it was worth buying.
Get it back, change the clutch. Pull the first rear wheel off, tin of copaslip to hand. Everything free. Pull the other rear wheel off... Oh, I can't. Odd. Stick it in high, and just about manage to wiggle the wheel off past the wing. Odd.
Then I sat there, looking at it, trying to figure WHY it looked so strange.
And it dawned.
Some numpty had undone the hub nut, and - rather than take the caliper off the arm, they'd simply levered away until the caliper bracket was bent enough that the disc could slip out of the pads. Then they'd unbolted the disc from the hub, put the hub back on, put the wheel back on...
Two weeks later, I stuffed it into the back of somebody on the North Circular.
Had a look over it, and the shell looked good. The speedo cable had been "disconnected" with an oxy torch, which was odd... And the clutch slipped. Oh, wow, did the clutch slip. The bloke selling it said "It's meant to do that - it's air-cooled, so when you put your foot down, the fan goes faster to keep it cool..." Full marks for originality, at least.
Still, for a ton and a half, it was worth buying.
Get it back, change the clutch. Pull the first rear wheel off, tin of copaslip to hand. Everything free. Pull the other rear wheel off... Oh, I can't. Odd. Stick it in high, and just about manage to wiggle the wheel off past the wing. Odd.
Then I sat there, looking at it, trying to figure WHY it looked so strange.
And it dawned.
Some numpty had undone the hub nut, and - rather than take the caliper off the arm, they'd simply levered away until the caliper bracket was bent enough that the disc could slip out of the pads. Then they'd unbolted the disc from the hub, put the hub back on, put the wheel back on...
Two weeks later, I stuffed it into the back of somebody on the North Circular.
Back in the late 1960's my brother-in-law to be took his wife to be on holiday from London to Yorkshire. Mode of transport a crony old Austin A35, problem was the passenger door kept flying open at will. Repair consisted of a length of rope from drivers door handle to passenger door handle, that kept the door closed. 
I once had a dog of a MkIII Escort, which I bought because it was the XR3 model. The badge was the only thing this car had going for it. A previous owner, who I can only imagine was an "enthusiastic amateur electrician" had tried (and failed) to fix various issues, including the classic '80s Ford earthing issue (rear lights flash like a discotheque when braking/indicating) and iffy electric windows.
The chap had attempted to fix the earthing issue by running an earth strap from the rear lights, down the outside of the rear valance, and tied the end off on the exhaust pipe. Laughing like a drain, I pulled the jerry-rigged earth strap off... And the exhaust hit the floor. I stopped laughing.
Chuckled again when I had the electric window switches apart, to find the internal contacts replaced with little squares of carefully folded tin foil. Stopped laughing once more when I couldn't find anyone to sell me MkIII Escort window switches (this was pre-internet). Until I found new switches, two bare wires touched together did the job.
Awful car. Should never have bought it, but I REALLY wanted an XR3. And this one was CHEAP. And I was young. And stupid.
The chap had attempted to fix the earthing issue by running an earth strap from the rear lights, down the outside of the rear valance, and tied the end off on the exhaust pipe. Laughing like a drain, I pulled the jerry-rigged earth strap off... And the exhaust hit the floor. I stopped laughing.
Chuckled again when I had the electric window switches apart, to find the internal contacts replaced with little squares of carefully folded tin foil. Stopped laughing once more when I couldn't find anyone to sell me MkIII Escort window switches (this was pre-internet). Until I found new switches, two bare wires touched together did the job.
Awful car. Should never have bought it, but I REALLY wanted an XR3. And this one was CHEAP. And I was young. And stupid.
My cousin back in the day was hit in the rear in his TR3 and decided to fix the dent himself. Panel beating and filler? No need when you have a bag of Blue Circle cement sitting handy..
It looked ok too after some primer and gloss white paint applied. Probably gave a bit of ballast to the rear. Downside was no place to stow the spare wheel because of the dent, but wait.. that empty passenger seat will do! That TR3 eventually got painted in shades of blue after he acquired a job lot of blue rattle cans, problem was, there wasn't two cans the same shade! The car looked like a pair of faded jeans.
We knew a guy who bought and sold old cars (back in the '70's) and wasn't shy about poking a bunch of bananas into diffs and gearboxes to quieten them for a quick sale. For BMC front drives, the bananas were mashed and mixed with heavy oil. Seemed to work..
It looked ok too after some primer and gloss white paint applied. Probably gave a bit of ballast to the rear. Downside was no place to stow the spare wheel because of the dent, but wait.. that empty passenger seat will do! That TR3 eventually got painted in shades of blue after he acquired a job lot of blue rattle cans, problem was, there wasn't two cans the same shade! The car looked like a pair of faded jeans.
We knew a guy who bought and sold old cars (back in the '70's) and wasn't shy about poking a bunch of bananas into diffs and gearboxes to quieten them for a quick sale. For BMC front drives, the bananas were mashed and mixed with heavy oil. Seemed to work..
The concrete story reminds me of my first 4 wheeled car (replacing a Berkeley T60) which was an Anglia 105e.
N/S front floor had been the inspiration for the Flintstones. No chance of an MOT then.
Remedy was some carefully cut plywood shuttering followed by a pour of concrete including some steel mesh. Once dry, the underside was finished with that black, claggy 'Tetroseal' stuff. Appointment with a different MOT station - RESULT!
N/S front floor had been the inspiration for the Flintstones. No chance of an MOT then.
Remedy was some carefully cut plywood shuttering followed by a pour of concrete including some steel mesh. Once dry, the underside was finished with that black, claggy 'Tetroseal' stuff. Appointment with a different MOT station - RESULT!
In the process of writing and photographing a "How To" technical feature on windscreen replacement for a classic car magazine, I discovered that the A posts of my Scimitar SE5A had been damaged - sheared clean through, in fact - at a previous point in its life. There was no physical retention between the screen, A posts and the body, both >1" gaps having been filled with newspaper and Isopon then painted over. I managed to reinsert one of the chunks and get the screen back in in order to finish the feature, but poor old Dusty never saw the road again.
A few years after I bought it, one of my Rileys failed its MOT due to 'extensive corrosion' - odd, I thought as previous tests hadn't mentioned any areas of rust, extensive or slight. It turned out that the old MOT inspector had retired and a new one inspected the car, one who was rather more diligent and had discovered where a previous owner had disguised the rust with screwed up newspaper, metal tape and an annual coat of under seal.
This is the nearside, the offside was marginally better; the cost to rectify was substantial...
This is the nearside, the offside was marginally better; the cost to rectify was substantial...
I bought an Opal Ascona at auction for its rare carb conversion ( SUs)
When stripping it of parts we discovered one rear 1/4 panel was chicken wire and plaster over an old gouge .
I have found sills and wings brazed on and a Cooper S with the front half held on to the rear by 4 ×1" welds , the bottom of the engine hit the road if you braked hard .
When stripping it of parts we discovered one rear 1/4 panel was chicken wire and plaster over an old gouge .
I have found sills and wings brazed on and a Cooper S with the front half held on to the rear by 4 ×1" welds , the bottom of the engine hit the road if you braked hard .
I bought a series 2 Land Rover with a horrible perkins fork loft truck engine that was leaking pil from everywhere so not long after I bought it I decided to swap the engine. As I was stripping it down I discovered that the front dumb irons had been repaired by folding a bit of ali road sign over them and after an aborted attempt to weld them, decided just to cover the lot in filler! I still have them hanging in my garage.
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