One hundred and eighty!!!!!!!!!
Discussion
Wacky Racer said:
This post was brought to you in association with Pukka Pies and Beer.
"They taste reet good, aye."
MAITRE D: Ah, good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
MR. CREOSOTE: Better.
MAITRE D: Better?
MR. CREOSOTE: Better get a bucket. I'm going to throw up.
MAITRE D: Uh, Gaston! A bucket for monsieur. There you are, monsieur.
[goosh]
Merci, Gaston.
MR. CREOSOTE: I haven't finished.
MAITRE D: Oh! Pardon. Gaston! A thousand pardons, monsieur.
MR. CREOSOTE: Uhh.
[goosh]
MAITRE D: Now, zis afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: ze jugged hare. Ze hare is very high, and ze sauce is very rich with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon, and cream. Thank you, Gaston.
MR. CREOSOTE: There's still more.
MAITRE D: Oh! Allow me. A new bucket for monsieur,...
[goosh]
...and ze cleaning woman,... and maintenant. Would monsieur care for an aperitif, or would he prefer to order straight away?
[goosh]
MR. CREOSOTE: Oh.
MAITRE D: Uh, today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux-- that's leek tart,-- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd-- c'est a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.
MR. CREOSOTE: I'll have the lot.
MAITRE D: A wise choice, monsieur. And now, how would you like it served?
All, uh, mixed up togezer in a bucket?
MR. CREOSOTE: Yeah,... with the eggs on top.
MAITRE D: But of course, avec les oeufs frites.
MR. CREOSOTE: Yeah, and don't skimp on the pate.
MAITRE D: Oh, monsieur, I assure you, just because it is mixed up wis all ze other things, we would not dream of giving you less than ze full amount. In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. Maintenant quelque chose a boire. Something to drink, monsieur?
MR. CREOSOTE: Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Chateau Latour Forty-five...
MAITRE D: Forty-five.
MR. CREOSOTE: ...and a double Jeroboam of champagne.
MAITRE D: Bon, and the usual brown ales?
MR. CREOSOTE: Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I can only manage six crates today.
MAITRE D: [tut tut tut tut] I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night.
MR. CREOSOTE: Shut up!
MAITRE D: D'accord. Ah! Ze new bucket and ze cleaning woman.
[goosh goosh goosh goosh]
Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?
GUEST #4: No, the food was excellent.
MAITRE D: Perhaps you're not... happy with the service?
GUEST #4: No, no. No complaints.
GUEST #4'S WIFE: It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.
GUEST #3: Hmm.
GUEST #3'S WIFE: Mm mm.
GUEST #4: And... we... have... a... train to catch.
MAITRE D: Ah.
GUEST #4'S WIFE: Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. We have a train to catch, and I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. Ha, hm hm hm.
MAITRE D: Madam?
GUEST #4: Perhaps we should be going.
GUEST #4'S WIFE: Oh.
MAITRE D: Oh! Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you, and I hope very much we will see you again very soon. Au revoir, monsieur.
[clunk]
Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket.
GUESTS: [mumbling]
[slurp]
MAITRE D: Another bucket for monsieur,...
[goosh]
...and perhaps a hose. M-hm.
MAX: [retch]
MAX'S WIFE: Oh, Max. Really!
GUEST #2: [hiccup]
MR. CREOSOTE: [groaning]
MAITRE D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
MR. CREOSOTE: Nah.
MAITRE D: Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little, thin one.
MR. CREOSOTE: No. F**k off. I'm full.
MAITRE D: Oh, sir. Hmm?
MR. CREOSOTE: [groan]
MAITRE D: It's only wafer thin.
MR. CREOSOTE: Look. I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.
MAITRE D: Oh, sir, just-- just one.
MR. CREOSOTE: [groaning] All right. Just one.
MAITRE D: Just the one, monsieur. Voila.
MR. CREOSOTE: [groaning]
MAITRE D: Bon appetit.
MR. CREOSOTE: [groaning]
[suspenseful music]
[music stops]
[crash]
[BOOM]
[goosh]
[goosh]
[mayhem]
MAITRE D: Thank you, sir, and now, here's ze check.
OK he's not a dart player but for he *makes* darts eminently watchable..the genius Sid Waddell.
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt"
"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"
"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."
"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."
"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."
"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak."
"That Lad could through 180 standing one legged in a hammock."
"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzees tea party!"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed."
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league/"
"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt"
"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"
"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."
"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."
"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."
"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak."
"That Lad could through 180 standing one legged in a hammock."
"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzees tea party!"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed."
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league/"
"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."
Sid Waddell was the producer of one of the favourite TV shows of my youth - Indoor League. Presented by the once legendary fast bowler Freddie Trueman, the stars of this show were all the afore mentioned beer swilling pot-bellied arrow throwers.
For a nostalgic revisit check out
www.ukgameshows.com/index.php/Indoor_League
Ah'll si' thee
For a nostalgic revisit check out
www.ukgameshows.com/index.php/Indoor_League
Ah'll si' thee
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