Safer Driving, the core principals;
Discussion
Alan Coren is on form in the Times [url]here|www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,1060-1456373,00.html{/url]
For those unable to follow the link.
Safer driving, the core principals; and sex education, a world exclusive
Notebook by Alan Coren
AS A KEEN taxpayer, I was naturally delighted that none of my expense was spared either on the police hot pursuit of Miss Sarah McCaffery by spotter plane, helicopter and patrol car, or on the justice these finally brought her to after ten court cases; in the last of which she was fined £60 for holding an apple at the wheel, and thus not being in control of her vehicle.
Foolish woman. How could she not have committed to memory the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations? I have. I know, for example, that little alsatians sitting in rear windows must be able to nod both ways. If the head sticks at any point, or if one of the eyes has fallen out, the possible consequent distraction of the driver’s attention carries a mandatory six-month prison sentence. A further six months, to run consecutively, will follow the discovery of anything rolling noisily about in the glove box, eg, dog’s glass eye, or of an ashtray containing, say, an old Elastoplast which could be ignited by an ineptly stubbed cigarette, leading to smoke that might cause the driver to cough, blink, swerve, and roll down an embankment into the path of a train carrying nuclear waste past a faith school.
While certain unavoidable smells are permitted — baby, garlic, old male relative — odours such as gerbil, Big Mac, or KY Jelly, indicating the carriage of items which might at some time in the past have diverted the driver’s concentration, will lead to automatic confiscation and roadside destruction of the vehicle, plus criminal proceedings. Should these faults be detected by electronic aroma-sensors on roadside police masts before the driver can be prevented from entering the Channel Tunnel, Interpol will be alerted to set up armed roadblocks throughout the EU.
Stickers on bumpers and rear windows must not be torn or defaced: signs, for instance, saying “Do it with their socks on” or “We have seen Lake” will automatically incur prosecution on the grounds that following drivers could be distracted by wondering who it is who do it with their socks on, or which lake might have been seen. Furthermore, little St Christopher statuettes must be screwed, not glued, to dashboards, since, in the event of an emergency stop, these could fly off and lodge between the driver’s legs with unfathomable consequences, especially in the proximity of an old people’s crossing or unsupervised cattery.
Should any driver be so reckless as to allow his/her spouse to sit beside him/her reading a road map, both, if detected by a police satellite — or, in coastal areas, periscope — will immediately be arrested, even if they have not yet started shouting. And if any driver, at any time, allows a wasp to enter his vehicle and buzz about so distractingly that the new roadside bug sonar is alerted, let him note that the Serious Insect Squad never sleeps.
YOU WILL have seen that the Qualification and Curriculum Authority has recommended written school tests in sex education; what you will not have seen is an example, because it was leaked only to me.
1 Two vans are approaching one another, Van A is travelling at 30mph, Van B is travelling at 45mph, and the vans are nine miles apart.
In the back of Van A are John and Jayne, who normally reach a satisfactory conclusion after 8min 7sec. In the back of Van B are Wayne and Kylie, who take 6min 8sec. What will be the distance between the two vans when:
(a) John and Jayne finish?
(b) Wayne and Kylie finish?
You may use a calculator.
2 Tom is taller than Maureen, but shorter than Mary. Mary is shorter than Arthur, but thinner than Jim. Freda is fatter than Jim, but taller than Tom or Arthur. Tom prefers Jim to Maureen, and Maureen prefers Arthur to Eric. Jim prefers Mary to Freda, but Eric to Maureen. Arthur is left-handed.
Draw a diagram in which everybody under the duvet is happy.
You may NOT use a protractor.
3 Edward is fourteen years younger than his father, but two years older than his sister and one year younger than his twin sisters. The sum of the ages of their three mothers is the same as the age of their paternal grandfather, which is two and a half times that of their father.
How old is their father?
You MUST use a rubber.
For those unable to follow the link.
Safer driving, the core principals; and sex education, a world exclusive
Notebook by Alan Coren
AS A KEEN taxpayer, I was naturally delighted that none of my expense was spared either on the police hot pursuit of Miss Sarah McCaffery by spotter plane, helicopter and patrol car, or on the justice these finally brought her to after ten court cases; in the last of which she was fined £60 for holding an apple at the wheel, and thus not being in control of her vehicle.
Foolish woman. How could she not have committed to memory the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations? I have. I know, for example, that little alsatians sitting in rear windows must be able to nod both ways. If the head sticks at any point, or if one of the eyes has fallen out, the possible consequent distraction of the driver’s attention carries a mandatory six-month prison sentence. A further six months, to run consecutively, will follow the discovery of anything rolling noisily about in the glove box, eg, dog’s glass eye, or of an ashtray containing, say, an old Elastoplast which could be ignited by an ineptly stubbed cigarette, leading to smoke that might cause the driver to cough, blink, swerve, and roll down an embankment into the path of a train carrying nuclear waste past a faith school.
While certain unavoidable smells are permitted — baby, garlic, old male relative — odours such as gerbil, Big Mac, or KY Jelly, indicating the carriage of items which might at some time in the past have diverted the driver’s concentration, will lead to automatic confiscation and roadside destruction of the vehicle, plus criminal proceedings. Should these faults be detected by electronic aroma-sensors on roadside police masts before the driver can be prevented from entering the Channel Tunnel, Interpol will be alerted to set up armed roadblocks throughout the EU.
Stickers on bumpers and rear windows must not be torn or defaced: signs, for instance, saying “Do it with their socks on” or “We have seen Lake” will automatically incur prosecution on the grounds that following drivers could be distracted by wondering who it is who do it with their socks on, or which lake might have been seen. Furthermore, little St Christopher statuettes must be screwed, not glued, to dashboards, since, in the event of an emergency stop, these could fly off and lodge between the driver’s legs with unfathomable consequences, especially in the proximity of an old people’s crossing or unsupervised cattery.
Should any driver be so reckless as to allow his/her spouse to sit beside him/her reading a road map, both, if detected by a police satellite — or, in coastal areas, periscope — will immediately be arrested, even if they have not yet started shouting. And if any driver, at any time, allows a wasp to enter his vehicle and buzz about so distractingly that the new roadside bug sonar is alerted, let him note that the Serious Insect Squad never sleeps.
YOU WILL have seen that the Qualification and Curriculum Authority has recommended written school tests in sex education; what you will not have seen is an example, because it was leaked only to me.
1 Two vans are approaching one another, Van A is travelling at 30mph, Van B is travelling at 45mph, and the vans are nine miles apart.
In the back of Van A are John and Jayne, who normally reach a satisfactory conclusion after 8min 7sec. In the back of Van B are Wayne and Kylie, who take 6min 8sec. What will be the distance between the two vans when:
(a) John and Jayne finish?
(b) Wayne and Kylie finish?
You may use a calculator.
2 Tom is taller than Maureen, but shorter than Mary. Mary is shorter than Arthur, but thinner than Jim. Freda is fatter than Jim, but taller than Tom or Arthur. Tom prefers Jim to Maureen, and Maureen prefers Arthur to Eric. Jim prefers Mary to Freda, but Eric to Maureen. Arthur is left-handed.
Draw a diagram in which everybody under the duvet is happy.
You may NOT use a protractor.
3 Edward is fourteen years younger than his father, but two years older than his sister and one year younger than his twin sisters. The sum of the ages of their three mothers is the same as the age of their paternal grandfather, which is two and a half times that of their father.
How old is their father?
You MUST use a rubber.
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