Family Legal Stuff - Experiences/Help needed

[bigtone]

As a result of coming home to a somewhat emptier house than I left this morning, I'll no doubt be needing some legal advice on what the hell I do from here, what maintenance to pay, what my rights are, what any legal issues are, and how to bend over and take things rearwards in as painless as possible way.....

Anyone had any similar circumstances/experiences/advice they'd care to share on or off line.

Thanks all.

[wedge girl]

Do you have children, if so the first thing you need to sort out is access to them.

With regard to everything else I would try and reach agreement without the use of solicitors.

Email me if you have any specific questions and I maybe able to help.

[bigtone]

wedge girl said:

Do you have children, if so the first thing you need to sort out is access to them. With regard to everything else I would try and reach agreement without the use of solicitors. Email me if you have any specific questions and I maybe able to help.

Yes, my lad Tom was 4 three weeks ago. The 'Dear John' and subsequent brief phone call have said that I can see him and have him whenever I want to - weekends, evenings, weeks away etc. She's quit her job, and his nursery school, and up roots to her mums, but has said that at least.

The last thing I want to do is get solicitors involved, was thinking about relate before this, but their site suggests they are a good source of remaining amicable too, so I may give that a go if I can afford it.

Desparately needing a flat to rent with a garage for the tiv now.....

[wedge girl]

If you are not married you might want to consider applying to the county court for joint parental responsibilty, while everything is amicable.

If she has quit her job and intends to apply for benefits you will automatically be contacted by the CSA, you probably want to avoid this.

[Piglet]

Bigtone, this all sounds dreadful. I'd worry less about the legals and the longer term stuff and make sure that you give youself some time to grieve now. It's obviously been a shock for you and you need to take some time out to look after yourself. There are people on here who have been through what you're going through and will understand.

Have you managed to tell your family what's happening? You'll need their love and support over the next few weeks and months.

I'm going off line now but wish you all the best in sorting this out.

Piglet.

[carsarecool]

Sorry to hear that mate, I'm going through exactly the same thing, must be the time of the year..

Definately try to stay amicable, it's the only way.

Try the Citizens Advice Bureau, my mum used to work for them and they're pretty helpful.

I'm sure you'll get lots of useful advice here as well, I did last night from the PH collective.

Good luck, hope it works out ok for you.

[bigtone]

Thanks for that, definitely do not want the CSA involved, and will avoid at all costs. We'll have been together for 10 years in October, married for 6 in May. She said she's going to look for a job straight away, but I can see a sizeable amount of my (main) income going up the swanny, as long as it goes to Tom then thats something.

I've just got my Mum, thats it really, who knows all about what has been going on, and thats where I spent the weekend with Tom. I can go there, but its a trek to work (120ish miles each way), and we cremated my nan (her mum) just on friday - she's currently in the course of getting treatment for depression following dad dying two years ago, and her battle and subsequent treatment with breast cancer last year.

God, and you think life can't throw much more at you. I know its just a wallow and that, but oh to have my mind on just one thing at the moment... Its completely paultry compared to what others go through.

Thanks for your support - I kinda knew I could get it here.

[Pies]

Feel for you

[bigtone]

Thanks Mart, just read your post, something in the water maybe.... And to Alan too - thats heartening stuff, I think it costs now though, although I need to check. From their web site £17 for an email £45 for an hour on the phone, god only knows what a person to person meet will set me back... Maybe i'm in the wrong business, hell, what do I know!

She's dead against it, in that she feels she's made her mind up. My view is that we haven't been able to sort it out between ourselves, so will having a totally independant third party involved help? You don't know unless you try I guess.

Thanks folks - I really mean that.

[bigtone]

Oh and by the way, does anyone have a miracle repair for a wooden louvre design kitchen door with a size 14 hole through it?

Moment of madness, helped until my foot hurt...

[carsarecool]

bigtone said:

Oh and by the way, does anyone have a miracle repair for a wooden louvre design kitchen door with a size 14 hole through it? Moment of madness, helped until my foot hurt...

That's it fella, at least you've got your sense of humour, it'll help you get through the day!

I had a mad 'hit a solid wooden door' moment, forgetting I had a ring on my 3rd finger in the shape of a cross.

Cue lots of swearing, blood and amateur stiches to the wound! OUCH!

BTW, we tried Relate and found our counseller to be a lefty lentilist more interested in her psycho analytical judgements of us than in trying to find some common ground between us. Actually caused more arguements would you believe. Still, maybe our heart wasn't in it at the time, so each to their own.

[Migsy]

So sorry to hear what you're going through.

You might want to try this site www.family-solicitors.co.uk/

Complete your enquiry on line, send it off and a local solicitor will contact you back by email. Depends where you are in Beds - I could recommend the local one I used. Mail me off line if you want detailed info. They were very good.

The first appointment was free, but since my ex and I were keeping it amicable (and we had a child), I just went along with a list of questions, got their advice and went on my way. Didn't need any further help from them.

Hope that might help with some of the practical issues.

[GregE240]

Tony, YHM.

Greg

[cosmoschick]

bigtone said:

- she's currently in the course of getting treatment for depression following dad dying two years ago, and her battle and subsequent treatment with breast cancer last year.

My mum fought against breast cancer and won. If I can be of any help to you in this respect, please feel free to e-mail me. You probably don't feel like you can burden her with what's going on in your personal life at the moment. It's hard having to hold back, she's probably the one person you'd want to be able to share your grief with, I know, I've been there. When my mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I had lost a baby only 3 weeks before. I was devastated but I knew she was too ill to cope with my emotions so I hid what I was really feeling. Tough times.

Be strong

[carsarecool]

Tony,

I see you're in Bedfordshire, me too.

If you need to get away from it all for a couple of hours, e mail me, if that doesn't seem to wierd you know?

Checked out your profile pic. Is the car running at the moment? Maybe a blast on a sunny winters day could take you're mind off things for a couple of hours eh?

[bigtone]

God, where to start.....

cosmoschick said:

bigtone said: - she's currently in the course of getting treatment for depression following dad dying two years ago, and her battle and subsequent treatment with breast cancer last year. My mum fought against breast cancer and won. If I can be of any help to you in this respect, please feel free to e-mail me. You probably don't feel like you can burden her with what's going on in your personal life at the moment. It's hard having to hold back, she's probably the one person you'd want to be able to share your grief with, I know, I've been there. When my mum was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I had lost a baby only 3 weeks before. I was devastated but I knew she was too ill to cope with my emotions so I hid what I was really feeling. Tough times. Be strong

Thank you so much for sharing that immeasurable to this, completely... Mum has been told that she'll need to go back in a year for a further assesment, but has another mamogramm in two days, so thats not helping matters. The chemo, as i'm sure you know, really takes its toll like nothing you believe, but its about having faith that it IS doing good, not harm, and thats what keeps you going. fingers crossed the next one will be clear as well. She's a complete rock, my mum, spent a long time with her on the phone tonight, albeit with the guilt you discussed, and she really has kept me going.

Migsy said:

So sorry to hear what you're going through. You might want to try this site www.family-solicitors.co.uk/ Complete your enquiry on line, send it off and a local solicitor will contact you back by email. Depends where you are in Beds - I could recommend the local one I used. Mail me off line if you want detailed info. They were very good. The first appointment was free, but since my ex and I were keeping it amicable (and we had a child), I just went along with a list of questions, got their advice and went on my way. Didn't need any further help from them. Hope that might help with some of the practical issues.

Thanks for that Migsy - first port of call tomorrow will be the CAB, to see who I should and shouldn't talk to, so to speak, but i'll go take a look at this link now. I'm in Leighton Buzzard - near you?

GregE240 said:

Tony, YHM. Greg

Greg - so do you, and thank you.

carsarecool said:

Tony, I see you're in Bedfordshire, me too. If you need to get away from it all for a couple of hours, e mail me, if that doesn't seem to wierd you know? Checked out your profile pic. Is the car running at the moment? Maybe a blast on a sunny winters day could take you're mind off things for a couple of hours eh?

Yes, I may well take you up on that actually - as I mentioned, i'm in Leighton Buzzard, but would be up for a bevvy - car isn't anywhere near finished unfortunately, I wish it was, i'd be out there now! Wiring, paint job, seats, carpets and windows to go, this summer maybe.... Just needs time and funds, down with one up with the other - bugger. Let me know whens good, and we'll sort summat out if you want. Thanks!

Overall folks, as I mentioned in a couple of emails, i'm overwhelmed, I really am. Thank you for the advice and support, this is what PH is all about.

Tony

[Tony427]

bigtone said:

Oh and by the way, does anyone have a miracle repair for a wooden louvre design kitchen door with a size 14 hole through it? Moment of madness, helped until my foot hurt...

My mate did the same thing when his cow of a wife left, except he punched a hole through the sapelle door. Two years later his new lady moved in and the first thing she said was that the door had to go........

Cheers,

Tony

[GregE240]

Mate, we're here for you.

Some of us are more experienced in this than others (and the knowledge and experience gained is still pretty fresh), but PH comes into its own in this sort of situation. Thats what its there for - don't be afraid to use it.

Take care, mate.

[Migsy]

bigtone said:

Thanks for that Migsy - first port of call tomorrow will be the CAB, to see who I should and shouldn't talk to, so to speak, but i'll go take a look at this link now. I'm in Leighton Buzzard - near you? Tony

I'm close to Bedford, so its likely your enquiry will be picked up by a firm in LB. The larger firms tend to be affiliated to this scheme, with more than one family law solicitor in house.

Yes, see what CAB can advise. I had to deal with a bit more than just splitting with the ex initially, as ex abducted our son when he was 6 days old (he was found within 12 horrenduously long hrs ), so I needed solid legal advice to be able to act upon if necessary. Still managed to keep it amicable though

[wolf1]

If she's decided not to work the claims for benefit/income support will be filed very soon. As has been said earlier the CSA will be notified the moment her circumstances have been reported. You need to establish maintenance payments NOW and set them up through your bank to establish a pattern of payment and also to prove payment. The CSA are mercenary and take nothing into consideration. They also work slow on the payments side and this is why you need to start proving payment asap as this will prevent the dreaded backpayment backlog that they are famous for. Also what you pay them is not what your ex will recieve, If they take you for say £1000 pcm she will only see a percentage of it.

Sorry it's happened All the best eh.