womens advice needed pls....
Discussion
advice needed pls...
I have been seeing the same girl for about 5 years now. When we met we were both in good shape, but over the past couple of years have let ourselves go. So we both decided to lose weight.
Spoke to her on sunday night and were talking about losing weight, we were both suppose to be gyming it in january and the idea was that the one who lost the least weight had to buy dinner. she has done nothing to lose weight, i have tryed telling herr to go to the gym and i have even tried dragging her to the gym.... but she just refused. So i said on sunday that she really needs to lose some weight. She got really upset, but i thought i managed to make her feel better.... missed basketball match to stay with her. Now she seems really annoyed with me.... did i do the wrong thing ?
Is there a better way to handle the situation. She now thinks i don't fancy her as much, which i guess is true.... what should i do ??
I have been seeing the same girl for about 5 years now. When we met we were both in good shape, but over the past couple of years have let ourselves go. So we both decided to lose weight.
Spoke to her on sunday night and were talking about losing weight, we were both suppose to be gyming it in january and the idea was that the one who lost the least weight had to buy dinner. she has done nothing to lose weight, i have tryed telling herr to go to the gym and i have even tried dragging her to the gym.... but she just refused. So i said on sunday that she really needs to lose some weight. She got really upset, but i thought i managed to make her feel better.... missed basketball match to stay with her. Now she seems really annoyed with me.... did i do the wrong thing ?
Is there a better way to handle the situation. She now thinks i don't fancy her as much, which i guess is true.... what should i do ??
Blindfold, minefield.............
Whatever you do/say, will almost certainly be wrong. I'd suggest honesty, sometimes the truth hurts, but it's still the truth. Edited to add: That doesn't mean walking in guns blazing and calling her a fat cow or whatever. Honesty with tenderness.
Good luck....
Phil
>> Edited by philthy on Tuesday 8th February 08:47
Whatever you do/say, will almost certainly be wrong. I'd suggest honesty, sometimes the truth hurts, but it's still the truth. Edited to add: That doesn't mean walking in guns blazing and calling her a fat cow or whatever. Honesty with tenderness.
Good luck....
Phil
>> Edited by philthy on Tuesday 8th February 08:47
Difficult situation. She may need to lose weight but when someone else tells you to do it then it's hard to accept. Telling a woman she's fat is always a bad move. I've had a boyfriend tell me I was fat and it really affected my confidence.
She does need to do it herself, you can't force her. Maybe the best way would be to back off but let her see the difference making an effort to lose the weight is making to you. Be subtle.
She does need to do it herself, you can't force her. Maybe the best way would be to back off but let her see the difference making an effort to lose the weight is making to you. Be subtle.
Ahhh. The hidden calories of marriage (or happiness). I know them well.
So what can you do?
1) Don't try to lose weight for her - or get her to lose weight. Lose weight for yourself if you want to.
2) Wax lyrical about how you feel so much better without the weight. How fit and healthy you feel. Offer her visible proof that there is a benefit in losing weight.
She will then decide to lose weight to join you in those benefits or she will not. What happens after is up to you both. If your relationship is shallow and based on sheer physical attraction only you'll split. If its not you'll stick together.
But try to goad her into weight loss isn't going to work.
Although if you lose weight first she may lose weight in an effort not to dissapoint you...in which case she's a real sweetie and you'd better find some way to thank her.
So what can you do?
1) Don't try to lose weight for her - or get her to lose weight. Lose weight for yourself if you want to.
2) Wax lyrical about how you feel so much better without the weight. How fit and healthy you feel. Offer her visible proof that there is a benefit in losing weight.
She will then decide to lose weight to join you in those benefits or she will not. What happens after is up to you both. If your relationship is shallow and based on sheer physical attraction only you'll split. If its not you'll stick together.
But try to goad her into weight loss isn't going to work.
Although if you lose weight first she may lose weight in an effort not to dissapoint you...in which case she's a real sweetie and you'd better find some way to thank her.
The problem with the gym is that if she is already self-conscious about her weight (even if not before, probably is after your comment) then parading in front of gym regulars is probably quite off-putting. With regard to your comment, I refer you to the basics of the Mars / Venus discussion: "Does my bum look big in this?" - There is only ever one correct answer - No!! Do not even hesitate in your response!!
birdbrain said:
Difficult situation. She may need to lose weight but when someone else tells you to do it then it's hard to accept. Telling a woman she's fat is always a bad move. I've had a boyfriend tell me I was fat and it really affected my confidence.
She does need to do it herself, you can't force her. Maybe the best way would be to back off but let her see the difference making an effort to lose the weight is making to you. Be subtle.
Is it too late ? I mean i have already pushed her.... was just trying to be honest, is there anything i can do to make her feel better ?
I think the best thing to do is to make sure you were just letting her know that she made a deal and she needs to keep it.
It sounds like she has particularly low self esteem at the moment. Perhaps she doesn't want to go to the gym? It's not a nice place to be when you are feeling insecure about yourself.
Why don't you go for serious walks, or get bikes or do something privately first?
Break her in gently.
As for you not fancying her as much - don't let her know that - she wouldn't react well. Concentrate on throwing compliments her way that you genuinely mean, as there must be plenty of parts of her that you still particularly like.
A compliment or two goes a long way.
It sounds like she has particularly low self esteem at the moment. Perhaps she doesn't want to go to the gym? It's not a nice place to be when you are feeling insecure about yourself.
Why don't you go for serious walks, or get bikes or do something privately first?
Break her in gently.
As for you not fancying her as much - don't let her know that - she wouldn't react well. Concentrate on throwing compliments her way that you genuinely mean, as there must be plenty of parts of her that you still particularly like.
A compliment or two goes a long way.
What must be frustrating from your perspective is the fact that you obviously broached this subject a month ago without issue, yet now it has caused a problem. Do you think the original conversation was a test of sorts (i.e. is he happy with me the way I am?) - whose idea was it in the first place?
birdbrain said:
I know, but there are times to be honest and this isn't one of them I'm afraid!
Birdbrain, I'd be so grateful if you could supply me with a list of when women need to be lied too, and when to tell them the truth.
it'd make my life so much simpler 
not trying to knock you, just poking fun at the "my boyfriend/husband doesn't understand me" crowd.
Phil
tricky69 said:
So i said on sunday that she really needs to lose some weight. She got really upset
hahahahahaha hoohoohoohoo heheheeee.
Brilliant. Someone out there is in more trouble with their other half than me.
Sorry, mate. If I tried that, I'd be toast.
Have you tried an incentive - like a beach holiday? You need to be careful about how you approach that one - don't let her get the impression that you think she's too fat to wear a bikini (even though that may well be the case). You need to sell the idea to her.
If all else fails, get her some flowers (and some chocolate - then you can suggest that you're happy for her to comfort eat to her heart's content). Good luck
philthy said:
Birdbrain, I'd be so grateful if you could supply me with a list of when women need to be lied too, and when to tell them the truth.
not trying to knock you, just poking fun at the "my boyfriend/husband doesn't understand me" crowd.
Phil
Doh! Surely it's obvious??!!
Seriously, I have yet to meet a woman who is 100% happy with her appearance and many are very insecure about the way they look. Criticising a woman's looks is a surefire way to upset them. Sure, there may be things about your girlfriend that you would like to change but the trick is to concentrate on the things that are good and compliment her on those. She's fat but she's got lovely hair? Say "I love your hair". Sure, some women seem to deliberately invite their other half to say something negative about their appearance and then get stroppy about it. I'm not sure what you can do about that. Still, tact and diplomacy win the day.
IMHO you need to tell her that you know you fcked-up. Be completely honest and tell her that you feel wretched as you know that you hurt her feelings. Perhaps suggest that your harsh comments were a way of trying to motivate her, boot camp style, rather than a statement that you didn't find her attractive. Once you've reassured her, ask her how she feels about herself, say that if losing weight isn't important to her then you'll still love her exactly as before. On the other hand if she wants to lose weight ask her how she wants to do it, going to the gym may be her personal hell, perhaps a slimming club, salsa classes, walking, playing tennis or swimming could be far more palatable to her.
Flowers would be a nice gesture but IMHO stay away from the chocolates. She isn't going to feel bad because you didn't give her a box of Roses, but she may feel like you're making some fat joke if you do.
>> Edited by Chim_Girl on Tuesday 8th February 09:16
Flowers would be a nice gesture but IMHO stay away from the chocolates. She isn't going to feel bad because you didn't give her a box of Roses, but she may feel like you're making some fat joke if you do.
>> Edited by Chim_Girl on Tuesday 8th February 09:16
Have you explained to her that the reason you feel she should loose weight is not because of her size, but because of the long term health implications and that you had invisaged a long and happy life together and you don't want anything to get in the way of this.
How over weight is she?
I'm two stone more than when I first started dating FrenchTVR, and yet I wouldn't consider that I was overweight.
Maybe a couple of little love notes dotted around the house, where she would find them when she would least expect.
How over weight is she?
I'm two stone more than when I first started dating FrenchTVR, and yet I wouldn't consider that I was overweight.
Maybe a couple of little love notes dotted around the house, where she would find them when she would least expect.
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