Some mililtary humour

[simpo two]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day
the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6
bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."


During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at
the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, walking over and handing him the keys, "Your's is."


Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"



An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
>> >


The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Dakkon]

Great stuff.

Saw an transcript of the USS Missouri and a lighthouse once, that was also very, very funny.

[diddyman]

Dakkon said:

Great stuff. Saw an transcript of the USS Missouri and a lighthouse once, that was also very, very funny.

An old urban legend that is attributed to numerous US warships, but it is very funny!

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision.

Canadians: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South...

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Dakkon]

Excellent, yup that is it, no idea if its actually true, but very funny non the less.

Thanks for finding that

[diddyman]

Dakkon said:

Excellent, yup that is it, no idea if its actually true, but very funny non the less. Thanks for finding that

I'm sure it is cobblers, but if it were true, I bet the guys in the lighthouse laughed their heads off and the septics on the bridge of the Abraham Lincoln/Missouri/Bootlebumtrinket must have felt a right bunch of charlies!

[philthy]

How about this video LEFT CLICK

For some reason, the link doesn't take you straight to the video. Click the link Americani_v_iraku.wmv They look more like British forces to me though. The audio is funny as well.

Phil

[pesty]

philthy said:

How about this video LEFT CLICK For some reason, the link doesn't take you straight to the video. Click the link Americani_v_iraku.wmv They look more like British forces to me though. The audio is funny as well. Phil

Id say defo british as they are carrying SA80's fuuny but looks like a set up to me at least I hope so

[diddyman]

philthy said:

How about this video LEFT CLICK For some reason, the link doesn't take you straight to the video. Click the link Americani_v_iraku.wmv They look more like British forces to me though. The audio is funny as well. Phil

Fantastic! And no, they are certainly not Amereicans. Look like they are carrying SA80s. What is great is they all just keep jumping in one after the other. What a bunch of numpties!

Edited to say you got their first, pesty!

>> Edited by diddyman on Wednesday 9th March 12:45

[Dave 4000]

ull up a sand bag:

When I in the RAF on my tour of duty in the Falklands, me and a mate were walking along when we saw two Army types and as officers in the Army are not as helpful as those in the RAF we couldn't see what rank they were, in the RAF you see the officers have nice pretty blue stripes where as in the Army they have little black dots. It turns that one of the chappies was a officer, and as we hadn't saluted him he beckoned us across with all the speed we could muster "Oi you get over here now" He then asked us if we saluted Army officers in the RAF? to which my mate said "no, we don't have Army officers in the RAF" and we carried on walking.

[MrsMiggins]

diddyman said:

An old urban legend that is attributed to numerous US warships, but it is very funny! Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid collision. Canadians: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South... Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Here's a film version made by those hysterical Swedes. www.idleriot.com/content/clips/145/USS_Montana.html

[YarisSi]

DOes anyone know the link to the site about an american soldier. Sounds bit myth but also few more likely to happen. I have in favorites probably but it takes 2 minutes to scroll down those. I will find it when can be bothered ;-)