Contract of Employement

[wedge girl]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SH1T).

We take pride in the amount of SH1T our employees receive. We have given our employees more SH1T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SH1T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH1T you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

[JonRB]

Ah, the old ones are definitely....


... the oldest.

[wedge girl]

JonRB said:

Ah, the old ones are definitely.... ... the oldest.

Being such a youngster I'd not seen it before

[JonRB]

it inspired me to write something similar myself back in 1997...

Team creation proposal
With the advent of the Project Organisation Team (POT) and Build And Test Team (BAT), I propose several other teams be set up as well:

Business Run-Ahead Team (BRAT)
Productivity Run-Ahead Team (PRAT)
Design And Functionality Team (DAFT)
Software & Network Operations Team (SNOT)
Functionality And Requirements Team (FART)
Instructional Design & Integration Operations Team (IDIOT)
Software Test Operations Analysis Team (STOAT)
Test Research Under-Management Productivity Enhancement Team, (TRUMPET)
(these will require Productivity Analysis Research Personnel) (PARP)
Verification Overview Management Information Team (VOMIT)

If any further teams are required, a Special Team Understanding & Productivity Increase Debate (STUPID) meeting will need to be convened.

Jon
13/03/97

>> Edited by JonRB on Tuesday 26th April 15:12

[lunarscope]

I designed and implemented an application recovery utility called "Automatically Recovering System Environment" ("By Intuitively Sensing Component Underperformance In The Server").

I also remember project ERIC which meant "Enhanced Realtime Idoc Communications"

[chris.mapey]

lunarscope said:

I designed and implemented an application recovery utility called "Automatically Recovering System Environment" ("By Intuitively Sensing Component Underperformance In The Server").

Chris

[JonRB]

Many, many years ago when I worked for Serco Project Engineering, the network guys' section was spun off into a separate business. I came very close to getting it called "Project Engineering Network Integration Services".

A colleague did manage to get our division's motto adopted as "Design, Integration, Service, A(something), S(something), T(something)" (forgive me - this is about a decade ago) and the Divisional Manager was livid when he realised is spelt the first 6 letters of "disaster". Which was ironic, because it was.

>> Edited by JonRB on Tuesday 26th April 21:23

[JonRB]

Oh yeah, and prior to that I did my student placement at AEA Winfrith (AEA = Atomic Energy Authority) and they came very close to successfully naming one of the reactions the "Winfrith Heath Oscillating Reactor Experiment". Alas, someone spotted it at the last minute and it was called something else.

[jimothy]

Less rude, I wrote a system for GEC marconi around the time of the Cinema release of Epsode 1.
I worked for the Spearfish Trials Analysis team as a report writer and coded up an automated reporting tool

Spearfish
Trials
Analysis
Report

Writers
Automated
Reporting
Suite

Well I liked it anyways...

[wedg1e]

JonRB said:

Oh yeah, and prior to that I did my student placement at AEA Winfrith (AEA = Atomic Energy Authority) and they came very close to successfully naming one of the reactions the "Winfrith Heath Oscillating Reactor Experiment". Alas, someone spotted it at the last minute and it was called something else.

One of my clients, that place... now known (like most nuclear sites) as a 'Technology Centre' to throw the tree-huggers off the scent...