OMG I've been traumatised
Discussion
So we bought this old house which needed a lot a work doing to it. We've been going in for days now ripping down walls, breaking stuff and carting stuff about. Now we're getting used to the effort and so go about things in a fairly autopilot sort of way.
The house used to be a hotel and a retirement home at another point and the previous owners devided the place up into rooms and put loads of little en suite bathrooms in. So we've been pulling all the suites out and throwing them out of an upstairs window. Because the house has been unoccupied for a few years we haven't had any um ""hygiene" problems. Up until now.
Yesterday my girlfriends father fixed his eyes on one particular toilet wrapped his arms around it and dug in his heels. He heaved. There was a graunching noise and credit to him, the toilet came away in one piece cistern and all. He lifted it up and turned to take the route to the "throwing window". I was quite keen to see the toilet explode into a thouseand pieces (ah the simple pleasures :) )so I took another route to the window and we met there at about the same time.
What we didn't know was that by some freak of plumbing or nature or something the toilet was not entirely empty. Had I taken the time in my excitement to look back at the route which he had taken but which I had not followed, I would have seen a tell tale trail of something dripping out of the toilet.
So at the window, bravado was high with the anticipation of porcelain fireworks as the convenience contacted the ground from two stories up. I was egging him on in order to have the best result possible " goaaan, give it some, chuck it hard" (or at least the French equivalent of which).
He did put his heart and soul into the throw, to give him his dues. Two back swings and a forward flourish and as the now projectile with it's unknown pungent warhead rushhed towards the opening, the glee on my face must have turned to horror as I saw in a split second that it wasn't quite going to make it. Most of the toilet had passed but the outpipe behind just clipped the lip of the window and there was a sudden JARRING as the bowl changed trajectory suddenly.
Clink! It went on the ledge. And there was no time to react as the toilet was up-turned in midair and the outpipe was now the exit pipe. A huge round glob of the hitherto dormant contents slewed through the air and landed with a resounding SPLAT! on the left shoe of my future father in law. I don't know why after all that time unused but the excrement was not dried out as it had been in all the other toilets. Something had happened to it, maybe a certain kind of bacteria or that side of the house getting more sun or something. It was runny, it was gloopy. And so it didn't just stop when it hit the shoe. The toilet and so it's contents was moving at quite a rate when hit the edge thanks to my comrades eforts. It spattered. It spattered onto my shoes and up my legs (I was wearing shorts) and arms. It deflected up his legs and splashed up the front of his white t-shirt. A few droplets found their way onto his face. And then the smell hit us. Two or three years of fermentation does a lot to the bouquet of human excrement. I retched and then the revulsion of the whole situation hit me and I think I started screaming. At that point my girlfriend arrived with her mother and she heard the screaming and came rushing up the ladder to the first floor. She thought someone had had an awful accident she said with all the shouting and came up all ashen faced. Of course when she saw what had happened she started laughing at us, that is until the smell hit her.
Well I couldn't stand it and went home immediately and had a shower. I still can't quite manage to scrub the smell away :( .
The house used to be a hotel and a retirement home at another point and the previous owners devided the place up into rooms and put loads of little en suite bathrooms in. So we've been pulling all the suites out and throwing them out of an upstairs window. Because the house has been unoccupied for a few years we haven't had any um ""hygiene" problems. Up until now.
Yesterday my girlfriends father fixed his eyes on one particular toilet wrapped his arms around it and dug in his heels. He heaved. There was a graunching noise and credit to him, the toilet came away in one piece cistern and all. He lifted it up and turned to take the route to the "throwing window". I was quite keen to see the toilet explode into a thouseand pieces (ah the simple pleasures :) )so I took another route to the window and we met there at about the same time.
What we didn't know was that by some freak of plumbing or nature or something the toilet was not entirely empty. Had I taken the time in my excitement to look back at the route which he had taken but which I had not followed, I would have seen a tell tale trail of something dripping out of the toilet.
So at the window, bravado was high with the anticipation of porcelain fireworks as the convenience contacted the ground from two stories up. I was egging him on in order to have the best result possible " goaaan, give it some, chuck it hard" (or at least the French equivalent of which).
He did put his heart and soul into the throw, to give him his dues. Two back swings and a forward flourish and as the now projectile with it's unknown pungent warhead rushhed towards the opening, the glee on my face must have turned to horror as I saw in a split second that it wasn't quite going to make it. Most of the toilet had passed but the outpipe behind just clipped the lip of the window and there was a sudden JARRING as the bowl changed trajectory suddenly.
Clink! It went on the ledge. And there was no time to react as the toilet was up-turned in midair and the outpipe was now the exit pipe. A huge round glob of the hitherto dormant contents slewed through the air and landed with a resounding SPLAT! on the left shoe of my future father in law. I don't know why after all that time unused but the excrement was not dried out as it had been in all the other toilets. Something had happened to it, maybe a certain kind of bacteria or that side of the house getting more sun or something. It was runny, it was gloopy. And so it didn't just stop when it hit the shoe. The toilet and so it's contents was moving at quite a rate when hit the edge thanks to my comrades eforts. It spattered. It spattered onto my shoes and up my legs (I was wearing shorts) and arms. It deflected up his legs and splashed up the front of his white t-shirt. A few droplets found their way onto his face. And then the smell hit us. Two or three years of fermentation does a lot to the bouquet of human excrement. I retched and then the revulsion of the whole situation hit me and I think I started screaming. At that point my girlfriend arrived with her mother and she heard the screaming and came rushing up the ladder to the first floor. She thought someone had had an awful accident she said with all the shouting and came up all ashen faced. Of course when she saw what had happened she started laughing at us, that is until the smell hit her.
Well I couldn't stand it and went home immediately and had a shower. I still can't quite manage to scrub the smell away :( .
.
p...
parrot of doom said:
heh. The guy who installed my kitchen told me of a friend who was plumbing a house, put his hand under the floorboards and grabbed an old tennis ball to move it. Only it wasn't a tennis ball, but a dessicated cat's head.
Of all the things i expected you to say he grasped "desicated cat's head" was not one of them! 
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