advice please on my new family
Discussion
I suppose the first thing to say is that you should appreciate what your adoptive parents did for you. It couldn't have been easy for them at first, and they must be proud to have brought up two successful boys.
Ultimately only you can do what your conscience tells you.
If I were in your position I'd have it in the forefront of my mind that you were treated abysmally as a kid. No kid ever deserves that.
There are some people who try to trace parents who find out that they are basically nice people whop were just too young and immature to cope, knew it and gave them up for adoption. But they have gone on to live decent lives and are nice people. My friend's ex-wife was in this situation. She made friends with them and her siblings.
In your situation you found out that your birth Dad is worthless scum. No other way of putting it. Lose him. He'll find you and drag you down.
Your birth mother seems to have led an unfortunate life but I can understand you wanting to take pity on her and her kids (your half brothers and half sister). The biggest help you can give is to make sure they are physically OK and staying on the right side of the law. Help them by helping them stay in work and getting some remedial education.
Just remember that your involvement may not actually be wanted, unless you become their financial benefactor. I'd avoid that - if they take the attitude that you are buying their friendship it simply isn't worth the effort.
I'd suggest that you find some sort of counsellor who deals with this professionally. They've probably got experience of numerous cases like this and they will know what works and what doesn't. If you get it wrong there is a risk of self torture / depression / suicide, and it really isn't worth it. It would probably be better in that case to be heartless and say "#$%^ 'em".
As for friends I'd join a club that interests you. It may not be glamorous but that isn't important, you just need to find people on your intellectual and values level to share common interests with. It could even be a political party.
I hope that is of some use.
Ultimately only you can do what your conscience tells you.
If I were in your position I'd have it in the forefront of my mind that you were treated abysmally as a kid. No kid ever deserves that.
There are some people who try to trace parents who find out that they are basically nice people whop were just too young and immature to cope, knew it and gave them up for adoption. But they have gone on to live decent lives and are nice people. My friend's ex-wife was in this situation. She made friends with them and her siblings.
In your situation you found out that your birth Dad is worthless scum. No other way of putting it. Lose him. He'll find you and drag you down.
Your birth mother seems to have led an unfortunate life but I can understand you wanting to take pity on her and her kids (your half brothers and half sister). The biggest help you can give is to make sure they are physically OK and staying on the right side of the law. Help them by helping them stay in work and getting some remedial education.
Just remember that your involvement may not actually be wanted, unless you become their financial benefactor. I'd avoid that - if they take the attitude that you are buying their friendship it simply isn't worth the effort.
I'd suggest that you find some sort of counsellor who deals with this professionally. They've probably got experience of numerous cases like this and they will know what works and what doesn't. If you get it wrong there is a risk of self torture / depression / suicide, and it really isn't worth it. It would probably be better in that case to be heartless and say "#$%^ 'em".
As for friends I'd join a club that interests you. It may not be glamorous but that isn't important, you just need to find people on your intellectual and values level to share common interests with. It could even be a political party.
I hope that is of some use.
Not to pry, but how come his original post doesn't show? Well, best of luck in any case, based on Gavin Pearson's reply. I don't know what the situation is, obviously. It's good to want to do the right thing and to help if you can, but you can only do so much as long as you aren't actually harming yourself in turn. It's important to remember that. Take care.
Bilko............after reading through the above threads, I thought I'd post this.
Unfortunately, I too haven't read your initial posting, but I think I've got the basics of it. I endorse alot of what's already been said. I too am adopted, although my circumstamces are different to yours to be honest. I've been down the path of tracing my natural parents and know what emotional upheaval that can bring..........if you feel the need to e-mail me direct through my profile, please do so. I may or may not be able to help, there'll be no preaching, no miracle cures lol, but an understanding ear for you.
Best of Luck and Take Care
Unfortunately, I too haven't read your initial posting, but I think I've got the basics of it. I endorse alot of what's already been said. I too am adopted, although my circumstamces are different to yours to be honest. I've been down the path of tracing my natural parents and know what emotional upheaval that can bring..........if you feel the need to e-mail me direct through my profile, please do so. I may or may not be able to help, there'll be no preaching, no miracle cures lol, but an understanding ear for you.
Best of Luck and Take Care
Didn't see the original post, and don't know if you are anywhere near me but like many others on the site I'd be happy to meet up with you one evening for a lemonade or two if you want to talk.
I might not be the oldest and wisest but having been the 'step-father' to 3 kids for the last 6 years and having a sibling who has adopted 3 kids I'm not totally green. Add to that the the partner of the same sibling found out a few years ago that thay had a brother who had been given up for adoption...
I might not be the oldest and wisest but having been the 'step-father' to 3 kids for the last 6 years and having a sibling who has adopted 3 kids I'm not totally green. Add to that the the partner of the same sibling found out a few years ago that thay had a brother who had been given up for adoption...
Thanks for your kind words and offers
I deleted the original post shortly before i went to bed las night and have just got in. I thought i would have a browse and found all these problem pages? not sure what it was about but after nearly a whole page of depressing woes i thought i was being publically scorned or something lol.
Untill i found your kind words and realised that i had indeed deleted the message.
Feling better today as i have the car back after fitting new brakes and i'm picking up the boys ( mine ) for the weekend.
I won't repost even though i saved it as erm ...well you know. After the moment is gone you kind of feel a bit silly.
Anyway, thanks once again
I deleted the original post shortly before i went to bed las night and have just got in. I thought i would have a browse and found all these problem pages? not sure what it was about but after nearly a whole page of depressing woes i thought i was being publically scorned or something lol.
Untill i found your kind words
and realised that i had indeed deleted the message. Feling better today as i have the car back after fitting new brakes and i'm picking up the boys ( mine ) for the weekend.
I won't repost even though i saved it as erm ...well you know. After the moment is gone you kind of feel a bit silly.
Anyway, thanks once again
Most of us are always happy to help if we can!
And as you've obviously guessed the 'problem' thing was nothing to do with your post, came about as there were two genuine threads (something like 'Dental Problem' and 'Health Problem'which appeared together and it sort of snowballed from there!
And as you've obviously guessed the 'problem' thing was nothing to do with your post, came about as there were two genuine threads (something like 'Dental Problem' and 'Health Problem'which appeared together and it sort of snowballed from there!
Bilko,
As someone who has used this forum to post delicate matters on occassion, I can honestly say the support I have recieved both on and off the forum has been nothing short of amazing.
I'm so pleased I swallowed my pride and stuck my hand up and shouted help.
It's a real shame your thread got drowned in the cr@p. But I do wish you well.
If you ever need a listening ear then feel free to email me, not good on the advice front, made too many mistakes
As someone who has used this forum to post delicate matters on occassion, I can honestly say the support I have recieved both on and off the forum has been nothing short of amazing.
I'm so pleased I swallowed my pride and stuck my hand up and shouted help.
It's a real shame your thread got drowned in the cr@p. But I do wish you well.
If you ever need a listening ear then feel free to email me, not good on the advice front, made too many mistakes
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