Tricky situation (Kids and estranged partner)

[lazyitus]

To the point...

My 15 year old daughter lives with her married Mother. I see my daughter at least twice a week, once at weekend and once in the week (overnight).

She phoned today to say her Mum is grounding her (She was late home without phoning) and she can't go out with her mates, OR COME ROUND TO MINE TONIGHT?

I haven't kicked off because we really don't need the mytha. I've just gone with the flow with this one and told my daughter just to sit tight and I'll see her in a couple of days or at the weekend.

On reflection, its pissed me right off.

Is her Mother wrong to ban her coming to mine? :scratchchin:

[carsarecool]

Would you have grounded her for being late without phoning?

[lazyitus]

carsarecool said:

Would you have grounded her for being late without phoning?

No but I would have bollocked her. If I did ground her, I wouldn't stop her seeing her Mum though.

[staceyb]

I think its a bit unfair grounding her on the day she is supposed to see you. I think she shoulda been allowed to come over then been grounded tomorrow night

[silversun]

I can understand your point but if she let your daughter see you then it undermines the effect of the grounding.

If it had been me, I probably would have discussed it with you beforehand, but it sounds like she probably grounded her in the heat of the moment and didn't realise the consequences.

Difficult situation though, I appreciate your difficulty. I would probably let it go this time but gently suggest to her mother that if she wants to use grounding as a punishment that you discuss beforehand? Just a thought. Good luck....

[Wacky Racer]

Probably not worth starting a row about, in this instance, I would just grin and bear it this time....

(Unless she starts making a habit of it)

[volvos70t5]

I think it is important to strike while the iron is hot and that means an immediate grounding. If I was mum, I would have phoned you to ask your viewpoint, though.

[Gulliver]

Wacky Racer said:

Probably not worth starting a row about, in this instance, I would just grin and bear it this time.... (Unless she starts making a habit of it)

Second that, a row over this could lead to more hassle than it is worth.

[nubbin]

Might be worthwhile speaking to mother about it - after all, it's denying you access, and if you live well away from your daughter's friends, if she comes to your house she is effectively grounded anyway - you could tell your daughter she is grounded at your house too. But not worth getting into a fight over....

[UpTheIron]

Does your daughter typically look forward to coming to see you? If she does then stopping her might be a particularly effective punishment.

Unfortunately it does also punish you...

[BliarOut]

Mum was wrong to ground her when it's your time. She should have grounded her on her own time with her IMHO.

Probably not worth getting arsey about though. Think of it as taking the moral high ground

[wedge girl]

I'd ring and speak with her Mum, children have a habit of not relaying the whole sequence of events.

If she were to come to you, would you be prepared to continue the punishment?

[ZR1cliff]

You need to talk with the mother if you let it go this time it could get worse and harder to discuss,nip it in the budd before it winds you up but try not to get wound up at this stage,she is your daughter and disciplining your daughter should not be allowed to affect your access after all how would the mother feel if you said you cannot return your daughter for another day as she has been naughty at your house and is grounded till the next day.

[lazyitus]

I think everybody is generally agreed here, and I share the opinion of most.

I'll live with this as a one off. If it isn't a one off then the grounding was ineffective anyway so I'll tackle that if it ever arises.

[wedg1e]

If it was me, I'd probably have spanked her ar5e.

As for the daughter....

[mrs trackside]

wedge girl said:

I'd ring and speak with her Mum, children have a habit of not relaying the whole sequence of events. If she were to come to you, would you be prepared to continue the punishment?

That's what I'd do too. I know my daughter has relayed things to my ex husband in the past, and missed out very important bits of information.