Tuesday's joke
Discussion
Apologies, can't be arsed to look for the Sean Connery thread:
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French ****er again"
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French ****er again"
www.killsometime.com/video/video.asp?ID=49
Now this is quite funny, its work safe, but my husbands company have blocked this web site, so you might not get it.
Now this is quite funny, its work safe, but my husbands company have blocked this web site, so you might not get it.
grass widow said:
www.killsometime.com/video/video.a
Now this is quite funny, its work safe, but my husbands company have blocked this web site, so you might not get it.
Fantastic, my wife next door watching TV, said "What are you laughing at" showed her, and she laughed as well, good ol humour.
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday 24th May 2004. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "faaackin ell"
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female) White sport socks
Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals Tins of baked beans, Ice
cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Claret -'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do with it?"
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.
Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female) White sport socks
Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals Tins of baked beans, Ice
cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms,
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Claret -'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do with it?"
vipers said:
Did you find that one on a cave wall?
Did I overlook that all our readers know all the jokes? silly me, or have I mis read your comment! a chuckle a day is good for you, enjoy dear readers.
on that note
Guy rings the Incontinence help line...
"where are you ringing from?" asks the operator..
"from the waist down"
huge said:
Did you find that one on a cave wall?
Did I overlook that all our readers know all the jokes? silly me, or have I mis read your comment! a chuckle a day is good for you, enjoy dear readers.
on that note
Guy rings the Incontinence help line...
"where are you ringing from?" asks the operator..
"from the waist down"
Good one, Just reading what I wrote, and it looks like I was being a bit catty, not the intentiion at all, sometimes what you write doesnt always sort of read right does it? anyway keep it up, still laughting at the Trevor McDonald programme on TV, stand by for the revolution men.....
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by,
"What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer.
"That was Thora Hird."
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by,
"What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer.
"That was Thora Hird."
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