Why do I like Masterchef?

[Simpo Two]

I can't cook, I don't cook and I have no interest in learning to cook. So why do I find Masterchef almost the only programme that gets me in front of the TV?

Bewildering.

[grumbledoak]

Got a thing for the Shouty Grocer?

[Big Rod]

Maybe because the presenters shout at everything/everyone even when the other party is a foot away from them.

Just a thought.

[Digga]

Don't know, but I do know what you mean.

And never mind the shouty grocer, what's up with the other bloke? Looks like he's got man flu and is constipated the whole time.

[merc_man]

Ah Mastershout, always entertaining.

Perhaps you just love a "Lovely plate of food".

[pokethepope]

(un)Interesting Fact: They film it in some dingy basement (from the outside) adjoined to my Uni halls. I am currently about 5 yards from them. They're always outside smoking looking very depressed.

[Landlord]

Maybe it's because you think things about the contestants like;

• "I would"
• "She obviously eats everything she cooks"
• "Blimey - he gets sweaty"
• "How many blue plasters?!"
• "What on earth was she thinking?"

[Simpo Two]

pokethepope said:

(un)Interesting Fact: They film it in some dingy basement (from the outside) adjoined to my Uni halls.

I was wondering about that. What was the building? I couldn't figure out why it has what appears to have a ticket office at the front.

Landlord said:

Maybe it's because you think things about the contestants like;

• "I would"
• "She obviously eats everything she cooks"
• "Blimey - he gets sweaty"
• "How many blue plasters?!"
• "What on earth was she thinking?"

You've got it. I think I'm looking for a wife, and when there's a nice pretty one that can cook I'll call and have her sent round to Simpo Hall!

Edited by Simpo Two on Wednesday 28th January 15:31

[Digga]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

My wife pointed out how the grocer bloke almost bites the end of his spoons off when he's eating the puddings. Greedy sod.

[miniman]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

I swear those guys have no gag reflex. How can anyone get a forkfull of food that far down their neck? Bizarre.

[Soovy]

Turode looks like death.

[Sheets Tabuer]

God I hate this, that hairy, fat cheeked, shouty bd makes me want to puke when he shoves food in his fat cake hole.

It's a mouth you fat faced fecker you are not supposed to present it up like a blood engorged female baboons arse wanting a good rogering.

[Digga]

Soovy said:

Turode looks like death.

Yep, that's him - I thought I was the only one who thought so.

He looks how I felt when I had that man flu/winter stting virus over Christmas.

[Landlord]

Soovy said:

Turode looks like death.

I met* him in his restaurant (Smiths of Smithfields) just before Xmas and he looked every inch the manicured-and-facialed millionaire he is!!

* by "met" I mean he pushed past me by the entrance/exit.

Edited by Landlord on Wednesday 28th January 15:34

[Neil_H]

Because you want to grab John Turode by his hamster-like jowls and give him a gigantic snog, you big softy.

[Puff Puff]

'Cos you get to watch grown men cutting the end of their thumb off on TV?

[Soovy]

Digga said:

Soovy said:

Turode looks like death.

Yep, that's him - I thought I was the only one who thought so.

He looks how I felt when I had that man flu/winter stting virus over Christmas.

[Andy Zarse]

I usually see John Torode when taking luncheon in Smiths of Smithfield, his steak restaurant near Farringdon.

He serves a lovely plate of steak and chips and takes great care over the quality of all his produce. He knows the poor dead beasts breed, owner and even it's name. Regretably he sometimes wears a houndstooth worsted overcoat with a bottle green velvet collar, which were it a plate of food, would be out on it's arse in the first round. John; you're staying. Coat; sorry...

Curiously, I've always found him a softly spoken soul, and he was charming when he signed my copy of his Beef Book at crimbo.

[shirt]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

perfect imagery there bedders, if slightly nauseating

[Digga]

Neil_H said:

Because you want to grab John Turode by his hamster-like jowls and give him a gigantic snog, you big softy.