EX G/F DILEMMA.
Discussion
Got an odd one here and am looking for a few takes on the situation.
I am 38 very happily married to the most wonderful woman on earth. She is 10 years my junior, beautuful successful and loves me to bits. The feeling is more than mutual.
I have had two signifficant relationships in my life. This one, and one 15 years previously which was far far far too long ago to be an issue....Until now.
The ex is in serious trouble and has got in touch. Previous contacts have been emails/letters when a parent died. We don't even do Christmas cards.
It's marriage, custoday kids money domestic and emotional abuse. Nasty stuff. For her to contact me must have taken a lot. The ex is a very arrogant self assured person who always does things on her terms. She also isn't a mind game player saying things straight.
I have a truly wonderfaul life. My wife has read the email and is less than impressed telling me its up to me how I handle this in that way woman have of not saying things but being very very very clear that they are not happy.
Many years ago when I was with the Ex - back at Uni - I made her a promise that whatever happened to us I would always help her as a last resort.
The truth is I wish she hadn't got in touch. I feel nothing for her at all apart from pity. (This isn't a sex thing. My Ex is a 40 year old and judging by facebook pix has had a tough paper round. My wife is the exact opposite, young blonde sexy etc.)
My worry is more moral. I don't like seeing someone else in trouble. Her s
t at the moment goes way beyond my gloating capacity. A bit of bad luck might by Ok, but I would not wish this crap on anyone.
My life is so great now. Things could not be better (even winning the lotto would do more than make me rich - not happier)
My concern is that the Ex might do something like kill herself. There is a bit of an emotional background to her family, a histoy of alcohol and suicide. That is my worry.
Apart from her kids - who are with her partner - she has no family left to speak of.
I just want some views on this from people who don't know me. Something a bit more objective.
Cheers.
I am 38 very happily married to the most wonderful woman on earth. She is 10 years my junior, beautuful successful and loves me to bits. The feeling is more than mutual.
I have had two signifficant relationships in my life. This one, and one 15 years previously which was far far far too long ago to be an issue....Until now.
The ex is in serious trouble and has got in touch. Previous contacts have been emails/letters when a parent died. We don't even do Christmas cards.
It's marriage, custoday kids money domestic and emotional abuse. Nasty stuff. For her to contact me must have taken a lot. The ex is a very arrogant self assured person who always does things on her terms. She also isn't a mind game player saying things straight.
I have a truly wonderfaul life. My wife has read the email and is less than impressed telling me its up to me how I handle this in that way woman have of not saying things but being very very very clear that they are not happy.
Many years ago when I was with the Ex - back at Uni - I made her a promise that whatever happened to us I would always help her as a last resort.
The truth is I wish she hadn't got in touch. I feel nothing for her at all apart from pity. (This isn't a sex thing. My Ex is a 40 year old and judging by facebook pix has had a tough paper round. My wife is the exact opposite, young blonde sexy etc.)
My worry is more moral. I don't like seeing someone else in trouble. Her s
t at the moment goes way beyond my gloating capacity. A bit of bad luck might by Ok, but I would not wish this crap on anyone.My life is so great now. Things could not be better (even winning the lotto would do more than make me rich - not happier)
My concern is that the Ex might do something like kill herself. There is a bit of an emotional background to her family, a histoy of alcohol and suicide. That is my worry.
Apart from her kids - who are with her partner - she has no family left to speak of.
I just want some views on this from people who don't know me. Something a bit more objective.
Cheers.
1) Protect your current life. Do nothing without consulting your wife. Be very open. Reassure your wife you will do nothing without her knowledge and APPROVAL.
2) You made a rash promise many years ago. It speaks well of you that you feel honour bound by it. Explain this to your wife. Explain that you will NOT risk your collective well-being to keep it though.
What are you actually being asked to do? You CANNOT be a shoulder to cry on or a pity fk - it would not be right. You probably can do practical things. But that will depend on how nearby you are.
I have an ex I would help out, despite not splitting on the best of terms. I wouldn't risk my marriage over her, though.
2) You made a rash promise many years ago. It speaks well of you that you feel honour bound by it. Explain this to your wife. Explain that you will NOT risk your collective well-being to keep it though.
What are you actually being asked to do? You CANNOT be a shoulder to cry on or a pity f
k - it would not be right. You probably can do practical things. But that will depend on how nearby you are.I have an ex I would help out, despite not splitting on the best of terms. I wouldn't risk my marriage over her, though.
What trouble is she in?
Is there something simple and reasonable you can do to help that won't offend your current OH much?
If there are children involved you could always think of it as helping them, as opposed to helping your ex. If they are still living with her then her problems may well become theirs very quickly.
Is there something simple and reasonable you can do to help that won't offend your current OH much?
If there are children involved you could always think of it as helping them, as opposed to helping your ex. If they are still living with her then her problems may well become theirs very quickly.
Sounds like her troubles lie very deep.
Im not convinced there is a massive amount that you can do. She is screaming to you for help because you are probably the only person who cares, very sad but true. What about her other partner, the father of her children?
I would be more inclined to be polite, offer as little help as possible and point her in the direction of a councillor or someone who can get to the bottom of the causes of her problems and help her get over them.#
Good luck with whatever you do.
Im not convinced there is a massive amount that you can do. She is screaming to you for help because you are probably the only person who cares, very sad but true. What about her other partner, the father of her children?
I would be more inclined to be polite, offer as little help as possible and point her in the direction of a councillor or someone who can get to the bottom of the causes of her problems and help her get over them.#
Good luck with whatever you do.
If you're ex has got in touch and it's
"marriage, custoday kids money domestic and emotional abuse"
There's not a lot you can do without putting your own situation in jeopardy.
Talk to your wife. Explain the situation, explain that you don't really want to get involved but feel like you should. ASK her what she thinks. You're married so make a decision together, as a couple. Then, if you choose to help the ex, help her as a couple.
If your wife doesn't want to know then go with that decision. If you're as happy as you say you are, stick with the side your bread is buttered on..
Personally, I'd steer clear. Hasn't she got any friends that can help her in her hour of need? If I was in schtuck I certainly wouldn't contact my ex from years ago who I only communicated to with the odd e-mail....
"marriage, custoday kids money domestic and emotional abuse"
There's not a lot you can do without putting your own situation in jeopardy.
Talk to your wife. Explain the situation, explain that you don't really want to get involved but feel like you should. ASK her what she thinks. You're married so make a decision together, as a couple. Then, if you choose to help the ex, help her as a couple.
If your wife doesn't want to know then go with that decision. If you're as happy as you say you are, stick with the side your bread is buttered on..
Personally, I'd steer clear. Hasn't she got any friends that can help her in her hour of need? If I was in schtuck I certainly wouldn't contact my ex from years ago who I only communicated to with the odd e-mail....
hman said:
ignore it, its not your problem.
(Answer C on a multi choice exam?)
Yep. As much as you mde a promise many years ago, this is NOT your issue. You said it yourself, she's arrogant...sounds like you should stay well away!!!(Answer C on a multi choice exam?)
Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 11th February 09:11
Run run away...
Ask yourself if the boot was on the other foot, do you honestly think she would risk her situation to help you?
As said above, very honourable of you to have made the promise and I can understand you do feel bound, by the same token if there is the slightest risk this could de-stabilise your situation, dont do it....
Maybe offer to keep in touch by mail if you do feel you need to, as for a face to face meeting I would avoid, your intentions are purely honourable, hers may not be...
Ask yourself if the boot was on the other foot, do you honestly think she would risk her situation to help you?
As said above, very honourable of you to have made the promise and I can understand you do feel bound, by the same token if there is the slightest risk this could de-stabilise your situation, dont do it....
Maybe offer to keep in touch by mail if you do feel you need to, as for a face to face meeting I would avoid, your intentions are purely honourable, hers may not be...
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