becoming a better leader
Discussion
tl:dr is that i need to develop leadership soft skills and looking for tips and resources outside of my organisation [as there aren't any].
the bulk of my career has been spent in field-based technical project management [energy & mining]. expats on rotation, work/play hard, direct talking/action kind of set-up.
last year i moved into my first director role with a a different company. US owned and i report directly to the CEO/owner. it's interesting and engaging work, with lots of authority and little oversight. i have lots of visibility within the org. but its also a very skewed organisation in terms of values and abilities from top to bottom.
i can manage upwards and laterally no issue, it's managing the workforce where it is clear i need to develop. specifically, leadership soft skills.
i test as having a transformational leadership style and most of it rings true. i encourage problem based learning, autonomy, empowerment, honesty and all that good stuff. i would say i have quite quickly gained professional respect and authority within the org. based on merit not job title, and i'm very much a 'lead from the front' but 'team win' type.
i am somewhat on the spectrum [diagnosed and medicated inattentive ADHD], wear my emotions on my sleeve, and am one of those people who enjoys very deep and rich friendships within a small circle of other neurodivergents. if we click then great we are friends for life. with the rest of the population, i very much struggle with anything involving small talk and becoming 'invested' in them.
i am just not a people person, and don't seem to be able to mask it sufficiently.
what has prompted this post was being told earlier this week that there's an in joke amongst the team that when one particular person sees me he is so nervous that he walks in to the nearest wall.
this was said in a meeting of my peers and was given as an 'amusing anecdote' but it has stuck with me and i am pretty upset by it tbh. i'm at the end of my current rotation and fly out on sunday and it's taken the jam right out of my doughnut.
i am genuinely interested in the performance of my team, motivating and developing them, and allowing them to take the credit. just struggling with the personal dynamics of leadership. specifcally being engaged with them. i realised that i probably know less than 10% of people's names, i don't engage with them. i'm not the kind of leader that i myself would be inspired by.
i might be overreacting, but i feel like the next 5-10yrs of my career could be prime years. but not if i can't lead effectively, be more approachable and even inspiring. i'm reminded of previous companies where HoD's made director and went through a personality transplant as a result. at the time i thought it was fake AF but now seeing it from a different side...
how can i start to change this? i reckon i could mask a 9-5, but not a complete rotation.
the bulk of my career has been spent in field-based technical project management [energy & mining]. expats on rotation, work/play hard, direct talking/action kind of set-up.
last year i moved into my first director role with a a different company. US owned and i report directly to the CEO/owner. it's interesting and engaging work, with lots of authority and little oversight. i have lots of visibility within the org. but its also a very skewed organisation in terms of values and abilities from top to bottom.
i can manage upwards and laterally no issue, it's managing the workforce where it is clear i need to develop. specifically, leadership soft skills.
i test as having a transformational leadership style and most of it rings true. i encourage problem based learning, autonomy, empowerment, honesty and all that good stuff. i would say i have quite quickly gained professional respect and authority within the org. based on merit not job title, and i'm very much a 'lead from the front' but 'team win' type.
i am somewhat on the spectrum [diagnosed and medicated inattentive ADHD], wear my emotions on my sleeve, and am one of those people who enjoys very deep and rich friendships within a small circle of other neurodivergents. if we click then great we are friends for life. with the rest of the population, i very much struggle with anything involving small talk and becoming 'invested' in them.
i am just not a people person, and don't seem to be able to mask it sufficiently.
what has prompted this post was being told earlier this week that there's an in joke amongst the team that when one particular person sees me he is so nervous that he walks in to the nearest wall.
this was said in a meeting of my peers and was given as an 'amusing anecdote' but it has stuck with me and i am pretty upset by it tbh. i'm at the end of my current rotation and fly out on sunday and it's taken the jam right out of my doughnut.
i am genuinely interested in the performance of my team, motivating and developing them, and allowing them to take the credit. just struggling with the personal dynamics of leadership. specifcally being engaged with them. i realised that i probably know less than 10% of people's names, i don't engage with them. i'm not the kind of leader that i myself would be inspired by.
i might be overreacting, but i feel like the next 5-10yrs of my career could be prime years. but not if i can't lead effectively, be more approachable and even inspiring. i'm reminded of previous companies where HoD's made director and went through a personality transplant as a result. at the time i thought it was fake AF but now seeing it from a different side...
how can i start to change this? i reckon i could mask a 9-5, but not a complete rotation.
Edited by shirt on Friday 12th September 18:26
Overall, your leadership approach seems solid. If im reading you correctly, it's the "soft skills" with your reports that you want to improve?
A few things to consider-
Find out what's important to your team on a personal level. What's their motivations for coming through the door in the morning? Cash? Advancement? Personal challenge? For some its simply a job, security and less stress might be a motivation. These are 1-2-1 conversations.
A key understanding is your team doesn't really care what you do when things are going well. Generally, teams own their successes. All you have to do is spread the praise etc. (as well as let them down gently when they all only get a 2% increase after a really good year of results, because budget)
What your team really pays attention to is your behaviour when things aren't going well. Leadership 101. Own your team's weaknesses and fix where possible. "Blame fixes nothing" (cliche but true)
If your firm does personality trait reviews etc, take advantage (sounds like you do this already), but concentrate on how your team responds to you- taking into account that they are individuals and not one approach will work with everyone.
I regularly did these reviews, but it was only when I got specific feedback from one review that I got any benefit from it. Im an extrovert. Great for sales, team leading, presentations and the like. The relevant feedback was "you're an extrovert. In 1-2-1 situations you are frightening to introverts, and as such they rarely hear your message". It was the first time that I twigged that the message you send put may not be the message received. Been invaluable to be aware of that ever since. (See? Typical bloody extrovert, always maje the conversation about them in the end!)
The takeaway from that is "learn how your team revieve your message"
Oh, and no-one likes pizza parties as a "reward"
ETA- join toastmasters
M.
A few things to consider-
Find out what's important to your team on a personal level. What's their motivations for coming through the door in the morning? Cash? Advancement? Personal challenge? For some its simply a job, security and less stress might be a motivation. These are 1-2-1 conversations.
A key understanding is your team doesn't really care what you do when things are going well. Generally, teams own their successes. All you have to do is spread the praise etc. (as well as let them down gently when they all only get a 2% increase after a really good year of results, because budget)
What your team really pays attention to is your behaviour when things aren't going well. Leadership 101. Own your team's weaknesses and fix where possible. "Blame fixes nothing" (cliche but true)
If your firm does personality trait reviews etc, take advantage (sounds like you do this already), but concentrate on how your team responds to you- taking into account that they are individuals and not one approach will work with everyone.
I regularly did these reviews, but it was only when I got specific feedback from one review that I got any benefit from it. Im an extrovert. Great for sales, team leading, presentations and the like. The relevant feedback was "you're an extrovert. In 1-2-1 situations you are frightening to introverts, and as such they rarely hear your message". It was the first time that I twigged that the message you send put may not be the message received. Been invaluable to be aware of that ever since. (See? Typical bloody extrovert, always maje the conversation about them in the end!)
The takeaway from that is "learn how your team revieve your message"
Oh, and no-one likes pizza parties as a "reward"
ETA- join toastmasters
M.
Edited by Mortarboard on Friday 12th September 18:32
shirt said:
i am just not a people person, and don't seem to be able to mask it sufficiently.
Before I got to this bit I was thinking that's one key aspect.Remembering the important bits about other people's lives, their partner and children's names, along with any major events.
Someone who hasn't seen you for a while but asks after one of your children because you mentioned the last time you saw them that they'd done something smacks of a leader that's invested in you and the gesture feels outsized to reality.
ChocolateFrog said:
Someone who hasn't seen you for a while but asks after one of your children because you mentioned the last time you saw them that they'd done something smacks of a leader that's invested in you and the gesture feels outsized to reality.
This. Its (another) cliche, but no one will remember what you said, but they'll remember how you made them feelM.
OP, I'll try to come back to you with something more useful over the weekend (I'm likely to give you a beer-driven bad steer right this second), but don't lose heart, the very fact you care about your people says a lot. Some of what you're describing is not unfamiliar.
First off, do you think the employee you mentioned is intimidated by you, specifically, or by your position, or by one reinforcing the other?
Secondly, is there much of an age/generation gap at play?
Lastly, based on some of your terminology use, I feel you're likely equipped to answer, how much masking would you say you do around your professional peers, and do you do it more or less around subordinates?
First off, do you think the employee you mentioned is intimidated by you, specifically, or by your position, or by one reinforcing the other?
Secondly, is there much of an age/generation gap at play?
Lastly, based on some of your terminology use, I feel you're likely equipped to answer, how much masking would you say you do around your professional peers, and do you do it more or less around subordinates?
ChocolateFrog said:
Before I got to this bit I was thinking that's one key aspect.
Remembering the important bits about other people's lives, their partner and children's names, along with any major events.
Someone who hasn't seen you for a while but asks after one of your children because you mentioned the last time you saw them that they'd done something smacks of a leader that's invested in you and the gesture feels outsized to reality.
For this reason, I keep a tab in Onenote to note down 'personal stuff' when I speak to people. No way can I remember it all in my head. So if I know I'm going to speak to 'Dave' tomorrow, I'll look up my notes on 'Dave" and I'll know his kids names, how old they are, where they went on holiday last year etcRemembering the important bits about other people's lives, their partner and children's names, along with any major events.
Someone who hasn't seen you for a while but asks after one of your children because you mentioned the last time you saw them that they'd done something smacks of a leader that's invested in you and the gesture feels outsized to reality.
What triggered this was when someone at work I hadn't seen for about 8 years remembered loads of personal stuff about me and it leaves a good impression.
xx99xx said:
For this reason, I keep a tab in Onenote to note down 'personal stuff' when I speak to people. No way can I remember it all in my head. So if I know I'm going to speak to 'Dave' tomorrow, I'll look up my notes on 'Dave" and I'll know his kids names, how old they are, where they went on holiday last year etc
What triggered this was when someone at work I hadn't seen for about 8 years remembered loads of personal stuff about me and it leaves a good impression.
Our CEO has this nailed down pat. He came to Manchester for a meeting with me and some of my team and he spoke to them about stuff they probably mentioned to him in passing 5 years ago. What triggered this was when someone at work I hadn't seen for about 8 years remembered loads of personal stuff about me and it leaves a good impression.
There are 18k people in the organisation I work for, and as a new direct report to the CEO I'm facing similar issues.
I've some leadership books to be really interesting, Leaders Eat Last, Know your Why, the Coaching habit stand out from memory.
Authenticity and a genuine interest in what everyone has to tell me I've found to be an invaluable way to gain trust credibility of the team.
The 'Frendship' bit is interesting as the reality is everyone in the organisation is there to do a job, and no one is irreplaceable, even the CEO. So difficult conversations, and enacting a Just and Restorative culture is literally part of the day job.
Emotions and personal relationships cannot get in tne way of organisational performance. However its unless you are a literal psychopath as humans we are progammed to form social connections with those we interact with. The term 'It's lonely at the top', is something that I'm personally finding hard to balance.
I'm looking at opportunities to develop my coaching skills in the next 18 months.
I've had some good insights on here before regarding similar topics, maybe there should be a PHs action learning set
I've some leadership books to be really interesting, Leaders Eat Last, Know your Why, the Coaching habit stand out from memory.
Authenticity and a genuine interest in what everyone has to tell me I've found to be an invaluable way to gain trust credibility of the team.
The 'Frendship' bit is interesting as the reality is everyone in the organisation is there to do a job, and no one is irreplaceable, even the CEO. So difficult conversations, and enacting a Just and Restorative culture is literally part of the day job.
Emotions and personal relationships cannot get in tne way of organisational performance. However its unless you are a literal psychopath as humans we are progammed to form social connections with those we interact with. The term 'It's lonely at the top', is something that I'm personally finding hard to balance.
I'm looking at opportunities to develop my coaching skills in the next 18 months.
I've had some good insights on here before regarding similar topics, maybe there should be a PHs action learning set
Edited by gangzoom on Saturday 13th September 06:17
There can be a gulf between how you think you lead and manage and how you do.
The best thing you can do is arrange for some anonymous 360 feedback and then get some professional coaching based on the feedback. It can make a huge difference.
Most large orgs have an internal process for it...if not, you can get organisations in to do it.
Good leadership in technical organisations can be problematic as people tend to get promoted on the strength of their technical skills, not on how good they are at extracting the best from others.
Google found this to their cost as the lost good staff who hated working under managers who were great engineers but awful managers.
The best thing you can do is arrange for some anonymous 360 feedback and then get some professional coaching based on the feedback. It can make a huge difference.
Most large orgs have an internal process for it...if not, you can get organisations in to do it.
Good leadership in technical organisations can be problematic as people tend to get promoted on the strength of their technical skills, not on how good they are at extracting the best from others.
Google found this to their cost as the lost good staff who hated working under managers who were great engineers but awful managers.
I always like the saying:
managers do things right but leaders do the right thing.
sometimes the 2 dont align.
as a rule people are born leaders whereas you can become a manager.
if you're good at what you're doing, which you clearly are, and recognise your additional needs, trying to 'become' a leader may backfire.
you can't be what you're not. and leading from the front and wearing your heart on your sleeve are 2 very good attributes that your workers will respect.
and tbs, why become softer. sometimes people need a kicking and you sound the guy for that!
managers do things right but leaders do the right thing.
sometimes the 2 dont align.
as a rule people are born leaders whereas you can become a manager.
if you're good at what you're doing, which you clearly are, and recognise your additional needs, trying to 'become' a leader may backfire.
you can't be what you're not. and leading from the front and wearing your heart on your sleeve are 2 very good attributes that your workers will respect.
and tbs, why become softer. sometimes people need a kicking and you sound the guy for that!
gangzoom said:
The 'Frendship' bit is interesting as the reality is everyone in the organisation is there to do a job, and no one is irreplaceable, even the CEO. So difficult conversations, and enacting a Just and Restorative culture is literally part of the day job.
Emotions and personal relationships cannot get in tne way of organisational performance. However its unless you are a literal psychopath as humans we are progammed to form social connections with those we interact with. The term 'It's lonely at the top', is something that I'm personally finding hard to balance.
This is one of the most awkward facets of leadership. As you say, if you're a nice person, a 'normal' person, then friendships are an organic consequence of this. But effective leadership absolutely requires this to be managed.Emotions and personal relationships cannot get in tne way of organisational performance. However its unless you are a literal psychopath as humans we are progammed to form social connections with those we interact with. The term 'It's lonely at the top', is something that I'm personally finding hard to balance.
The key is to be 'friendly' with your team but not be 'friends' with them. For example, if there's after-works drinks planned for someone's birthday, go along, buy the first round. Then leave (buying the second round before you go).
Another truth I've found is that this idea that people should be empowered to make decisions for themselves is not wholly accurate.
People like to think that they want that level of autonomy and believe they are capable of operating in this way. In reality, most people like, want and need clear instruction. Care needs to be taken to avoid micro-management but the parameters of instruction can be narrower than many leaders think they should be.
Leadership. I've worked for a few people. The best, was a guy at Rolls Royce who saw his role as empowering his staff. He said, his job was to ensure that they looked good, that they had the right tools and experience.
As far as making decisions, if a member of his team needed him to make s decision, he would discuss what thst person thought, and try to get them to rationalise and I heard him say. Right. You had all the right answers. The data you collected was sound. Your analysis and hypothesis was good, and you knew what the answer was. Next time, if I'm not here im happy for you to decide and will back you up 100% on my return.
He gave people confidence.
As far as making decisions, if a member of his team needed him to make s decision, he would discuss what thst person thought, and try to get them to rationalise and I heard him say. Right. You had all the right answers. The data you collected was sound. Your analysis and hypothesis was good, and you knew what the answer was. Next time, if I'm not here im happy for you to decide and will back you up 100% on my return.
He gave people confidence.
Gassing Station | Jobs & Employment Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff