AITA (Am I The Asshat)?
Discussion
Quick one. Partner was made redundant late October, got a reasonable redundancy (not PH reasonable, real world- a few grand).
I didn’t expect for a second she would start looking for a new job before Christmas, and I didn’t want to hassle her in the new year, but last week I summoned the courage to ask how the job hunt was going. I was told the job market was tough, especially for a mature woman, AI is automatically filtering over 50’s out. That’s about it.
Today I found out she hasn’t even put her CV on Indeed, or had a proper browse. I found three possibilities within ten miles with a five minute search.
I get it’s her life to do with whatever she chooses, and her money to spend how she wishes; but I felt really disappointed that she’d done nothing at all. When I’ve been unemployed, I’ve made finding a job my (part-time) job. Because of family responsibilities, setting an example, paying my way, not dying of boredom.
I had a go at her, told her I was disappointed, and told her if she didn’t have a job line up by July, she could f
k-right-off.
Am I the ahole?
I didn’t expect for a second she would start looking for a new job before Christmas, and I didn’t want to hassle her in the new year, but last week I summoned the courage to ask how the job hunt was going. I was told the job market was tough, especially for a mature woman, AI is automatically filtering over 50’s out. That’s about it.
Today I found out she hasn’t even put her CV on Indeed, or had a proper browse. I found three possibilities within ten miles with a five minute search.
I get it’s her life to do with whatever she chooses, and her money to spend how she wishes; but I felt really disappointed that she’d done nothing at all. When I’ve been unemployed, I’ve made finding a job my (part-time) job. Because of family responsibilities, setting an example, paying my way, not dying of boredom.
I had a go at her, told her I was disappointed, and told her if she didn’t have a job line up by July, she could f
k-right-off. Am I the a
hole?Grumbler said:
Quick one. Partner was made redundant late October, got a reasonable redundancy (not PH reasonable, real world- a few grand).
I didn t expect for a second she would start looking for a new job before Christmas, and I didn t want to hassle her in the new year, but last week I summoned the courage to ask how the job hunt was going. I was told the job market was tough, especially for a mature woman, AI is automatically filtering over 50 s out. That s about it.
Today I found out she hasn t even put her CV on Indeed, or had a proper browse. I found three possibilities within ten miles with a five minute search.
I get it s her life to do with whatever she chooses, and her money to spend how she wishes; but I felt really disappointed that she d done nothing at all. When I ve been unemployed, I ve made finding a job my (part-time) job. Because of family responsibilities, setting an example, paying my way, not dying of boredom.
I had a go at her, told her I was disappointed, and told her if she didn t have a job line up by July, she could fk-right-off.
Am I the ahole?
Maybe she's taken a confidence knock from being made redundant. Maybe there are other issues at play here. I didn t expect for a second she would start looking for a new job before Christmas, and I didn t want to hassle her in the new year, but last week I summoned the courage to ask how the job hunt was going. I was told the job market was tough, especially for a mature woman, AI is automatically filtering over 50 s out. That s about it.
Today I found out she hasn t even put her CV on Indeed, or had a proper browse. I found three possibilities within ten miles with a five minute search.
I get it s her life to do with whatever she chooses, and her money to spend how she wishes; but I felt really disappointed that she d done nothing at all. When I ve been unemployed, I ve made finding a job my (part-time) job. Because of family responsibilities, setting an example, paying my way, not dying of boredom.
I had a go at her, told her I was disappointed, and told her if she didn t have a job line up by July, she could f
k-right-off. Am I the a
hole?To answer your question, yes.
I think you're right to expect her to contribute, assuming you don't expect her to work in addition to doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, childcare etc.
Having said that, in her shoes I'd be looking for the door because you obviously aren't a very nice person. Who on earth speaks to their partner in such a disrespectful way? I think she can do better.
Having said that, in her shoes I'd be looking for the door because you obviously aren't a very nice person. Who on earth speaks to their partner in such a disrespectful way? I think she can do better.
I just think partners have a moral obligation to do their bit. Not just burn through their redundancy, sitting around. I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable not looking for work/working, when things need sorting. Regular bills ARE covered, nothing else.
But it seems I’m unanimously wrong. Fair enough.
But it seems I’m unanimously wrong. Fair enough.
I was made redundant back in August, took me a long while before I was mentally ready to apply again. My experience over the last years was not good, so I needed a bit of downtime, not just to recover, but to decide what I actually wanted to do. When I was ready, I got back on the hunt, and now in a different job to those I'd had before, so for me it was worth the time off as I have something that looks like it suits me a lot more than most jobs. I think you are being harsh.
CHLEMCBC said:
menopausal?
Women's logic can be mysterious to us men at the best of times. Menopausal and post menopausal it becomes a black art to fathom. All we can (and should) do is empathise.Instead of finding jobs that she should have applied for and didn't and then moan to her about it, highlight them to her as some she might like to apply for - help her by signposting opportunities for her. Be a partner to her and support her rather than just observe her shortcomings and criticise.
If she fails to respond to that approach, you may receive a more sympathetic ear here.
Somewhere on Mumsnet there’s probably a similar thread where the respondents call the bloke a lazy waster for not getting out and finding a new job.
I’m not saying the OP is right (he’s not), but men are still expected to be the bread-winner. A lot depends on how the household is run, though. If she’s looked after the house and raised the kids while he’s developed a career it makes it a very different proposition to no kids and shared responsibilities.
I’m not saying the OP is right (he’s not), but men are still expected to be the bread-winner. A lot depends on how the household is run, though. If she’s looked after the house and raised the kids while he’s developed a career it makes it a very different proposition to no kids and shared responsibilities.
Gassing Station | Jobs & Employment Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff