Swinging and coercion
Discussion
A difficult and disturbing story about how consent can become blurred when there is pressure, coercion or control within a relationship.
Awful
BBC News - Woman left traumatised by swinging says website 'facilitated abuse' - BBC News
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c87q7g48y4po
I think that's the difficulty with coercion - it's just not as simple as it might sound to say "no".
I used to take a very similar view to hearing about gambling addictions "just stop gambling" etc.
I think it's very very easy to underestimate the relentless psychological influence that a controlling or coercive partner can exert especially if you throw in things like financial dependency or needing to ensure a roof over your and possibly the children's heads.
Especially when in this specific case from the sounds of it there were possibly other mental health challenges that contributed.
I used to take a very similar view to hearing about gambling addictions "just stop gambling" etc.
I think it's very very easy to underestimate the relentless psychological influence that a controlling or coercive partner can exert especially if you throw in things like financial dependency or needing to ensure a roof over your and possibly the children's heads.
Especially when in this specific case from the sounds of it there were possibly other mental health challenges that contributed.
Pistom said:
I just can t identify with this. This woman wasn t drugged or blackmailed, she was persuaded.
She clearly sees herself as a victim and in a situation like this, that means she is a victim but I struggle with understanding how persuasion can go on for so long.
The same week they're reporting about coercion of OnlyFans models and the same year as the new ID laws for porn sites, now they're going after swinging sites for the behaviour of their members. I'm guessing puritanism it taking over the internet.She clearly sees herself as a victim and in a situation like this, that means she is a victim but I struggle with understanding how persuasion can go on for so long.
That said, this kind of stuff sounds a lot like domestic violence/ manipulation, so awareness is a good thing to raise.
Edited by glazbagun on Tuesday 16th June 08:23
Sounds like she wasn’t the only one with mental issues. What sort of man gets off on his wife sleeping with other dudes in a lay-by? And who finds it sexy that your wife is crawling with stds? He’s clearly got something wrong with him. The fact that she wants her name and face connected to this filth tells you she isn’t right in the head either. No wonder they shared a special bond and declared their love in a marriage contract.
I struggle believing that someone can ‘manipulate’ you to do stuff like this. No amount of persuading or badgering would lead my to suck off a dude or let him bum me… Conversely if I was in a relationship and the women suggested this disgusting stuff I’d dump her on the spot. I wouldn’t dream of feeling ‘coerced’ into going along with it. More like buyers remorse after realising both herself and her ex are category 1 perverts. It’s revolting.
I struggle believing that someone can ‘manipulate’ you to do stuff like this. No amount of persuading or badgering would lead my to suck off a dude or let him bum me… Conversely if I was in a relationship and the women suggested this disgusting stuff I’d dump her on the spot. I wouldn’t dream of feeling ‘coerced’ into going along with it. More like buyers remorse after realising both herself and her ex are category 1 perverts. It’s revolting.
Dog Biscuit said:
A difficult and disturbing story about how consent can become blurred when there is pressure, coercion or control within a relationship.
I wonder how many men would get married and have kids without pressure, coercion and control?vetrof said:
She made some questionable choices which have some negative consequences, can't be her fault.
Grow up and take some accountability.
+1 Everything is always someone else's fault. (Usually someone in a position to pay out compo.)Grow up and take some accountability.
In a few years time she'll be saying the BBC made her go public with the story sharing her face and name. That won't have been her decision either.
Edited by BikeBikeBIke on Tuesday 16th June 08:42
I know 2 couples who do this and have been to a club many times, technical reasons not taking part and all seem very happy to be banging their way through the local area, in fact sitting at the bar having a drink I got chatting to one guy who's wife was being railed in the other room and he seemed very nonchalant about it all. His wife would come out of the main room every so often in a robe for a drink exclaiming another 1!.
Later she came out, he drank up and drove her home, presumably to jet wash her down.
Not for me and I have no issue with people that do it but I can't imagine for a minute getting off on your wife being run through by all and sundry.
Normally the idea is floated and couples came in curious, from what I saw it was usually the man that floated the idea and some couples gave it a go and others said god no and went home. I can imagine there is some pressure at times from the man and those of a controlling nature, how that translates to agreeing to have sex with 100 random men in a layby I have no idea.
Later she came out, he drank up and drove her home, presumably to jet wash her down.
Not for me and I have no issue with people that do it but I can't imagine for a minute getting off on your wife being run through by all and sundry.
Normally the idea is floated and couples came in curious, from what I saw it was usually the man that floated the idea and some couples gave it a go and others said god no and went home. I can imagine there is some pressure at times from the man and those of a controlling nature, how that translates to agreeing to have sex with 100 random men in a layby I have no idea.
I get a bit sick of these stories where the woman is always the helpless victim. So she was married to Chris, had sex with others and even arranged this herself for years on end and now blames him entirely for it although there's no suggestion he used violence, blackmail or any other actual coercion. Having subjected the guy to a presumably hugely stressful police investigation which found nothing she is now publicly promoting herself as a "survivor" and in the process causing more problems for her ex, who it seems was at worst a bit pushy.
No, Ruth. You acted like a complete tramp of your own volition and now you regret it.
No, Ruth. You acted like a complete tramp of your own volition and now you regret it.
JuanCarlosFandango said:
No, Ruth. You acted like a complete tramp of your own volition and now you regret it.
Maybe she doesn't regret it at all.Maybe she did it because she enjoyed the attention and now she's found another way to get even more attention.
The attention is the common denominator here.
milkround said:
Sounds like she wasn t the only one with mental issues. What sort of man gets off on his wife sleeping with other dudes in a lay-by? And who finds it sexy that your wife is crawling with stds? He s clearly got something wrong with him. The fact that she wants her name and face connected to this filth tells you she isn t right in the head either. No wonder they shared a special bond and declared their love in a marriage contract.
.
I worked with a few people who were into this both men and women, individually or together, watching or taking part. One bloke described it as ' like directing your own porno'..
They were quite open about it, even talking about dates and times if anyone wanting to join in.
Probably a load more who did it on the quiet, one of those things that's more common than first thought.
JuanCarlosFandango said:
I get a bit sick of these stories where the woman is always the helpless victim. So she was married to Chris, had sex with others and even arranged this herself for years on end and now blames him entirely for it although there's no suggestion he used violence, blackmail or any other actual coercion. Having subjected the guy to a presumably hugely stressful police investigation which found nothing she is now publicly promoting herself as a "survivor" and in the process causing more problems for her ex, who it seems was at worst a bit pushy.
No, Ruth. You acted like a complete tramp of your own volition and now you regret it.
Yes, on one hand it sounds like she needed a 'carer' and on the other she appeared to enjoy it enough to do it masses of times and on her own. No, Ruth. You acted like a complete tramp of your own volition and now you regret it.
Survivor status seems a bit much potentially, although without all the details it is impossible to know 100%.
However a female friend of mine told me stories of the gym teacher ploughing through her and other 16 yr old girls at school back in the 70s. She didn't regret and it and it was just part of her past. A few yrs ago CID turned up to see if she was ok and wanted to press charges (this was at the height of wokeness etc.). The teacher would have been in his 80s. From what she said, one of the other girls had decided it was wrong, she'd been 'affected' by it and wanted to prosecute. Not sure what happened, if anything. Potentially someone realising they were a victim decades later...
Separately, and much more recent I knew a woman who spent a year on the fabswingers site and had the time of her life. She put herself on it though, which is potentially quite different to being put on it. I bet that website has seen memebership increase a lot since that article!
Pistom said:
I just can t identify with this. This woman wasn t drugged or blackmailed, she was persuaded.
She clearly sees herself as a victim and in a situation like this, that means she is a victim but I struggle with understanding how persuasion can go on for so long.
A website made up primarily of men are never going to truly understand a situation like this. She clearly sees herself as a victim and in a situation like this, that means she is a victim but I struggle with understanding how persuasion can go on for so long.
Some of the responses above already highlight this and make me rather depressed.
MiniMan64 said:
Pistom said:
I just can t identify with this. This woman wasn t drugged or blackmailed, she was persuaded.
She clearly sees herself as a victim and in a situation like this, that means she is a victim but I struggle with understanding how persuasion can go on for so long.
A website made up primarily of men are never going to truly understand a situation like this. She clearly sees herself as a victim and in a situation like this, that means she is a victim but I struggle with understanding how persuasion can go on for so long.
Some of the responses above already highlight this and make me rather depressed.
#womenarealwaysthevictims
Edited by vetrof on Tuesday 16th June 10:51
butchstewie said:
Another lovely thread.
Still "save our girls and women" right chaps.
Not sure why you're trying to conflate two very different subjects here BS. Still "save our girls and women" right chaps.
Some women like swinging, some don't. This story is a little bit strange as the woman freely says that she arranged some meetings herself without pressure from her ex, and the Police say she has messages enthusiastically supporting the activities.
Regret, remorse, coercion? I don't know which it is. Hope she gets the help she needs.
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