What would you do if you were PM?
Discussion
Simple question really, if somehow you made it into No. 10, how would you go about fixing this mess of a country? I'll begin:
Ban all these "no win no fee" compensation things. I don't give a f
k if there wasn't a sign saying the floor was wet and you broke your ankle because you slipped on the water, bint. If you looked where you were going in the first place you wouldn't have fking fell would you? In fact, the only way I would allow any compensation to be given out to anyone, is if it could be 100% proven that it was 100% the fault of someone else.
Stick 2 fingers up to the EU. We can sort out our own country thankyou very much.
Give Police more powers, maybe the Gene Hunt approach to policing will reduce crime statistics i.e behave or the rozzers will come round and put your head through a wall. Tazers will be standard issue, so any chavs/neds will end up frying. Also, seeing as Aussie cops get V8 Holdens, US cops get V8 Fords, why shouldn't our BiB get XFRs?
Speed limits on motorways removed. The Germans manage with ze autobahns, so why not here? Also, all speed cameras to be removed. Period.
Health and Safety to be given an overview. I don't need to be told that a packet of peanuts "contains nuts", or, for the smokers, that "smoking kills".
Remove "gas guzzler" tax, and make road tax one flat rate for every single car, except G Whizzes, which are so dangerous in an accident, I would either ban them, or make the tax £400 per year. Call it a "smug git" tax. Also applicable to Priuses. In fact, forget the scrappage deal, instead of scrapping a perfectly good old car for a Prius or some other stty ecobox, my government would give incentives to import something RWD, V8 powered. Corvettes, Holdens, Dodges, Mustangs. Anything big, loud and fast.
Fuel duty tax would be reduced, and fuel prices capped at £1 per litre, no matter if its petrol or diesel, it would not exceed £1 a litre. If oil prives hit rock bottom again, fuel will be reduced. One small, flat rate for fuel duty. Simples.
Convicted paedophiles to be castrated. No appeal.
Instead of being sent to prison for a week then being told to be a good boy from now on, convicted murderers to face the firing squad.
Spending on benefits to cut, by getting people who can assess people on the dole properly, therefore only giving benefits to those who really need it. No more neds on the dole drinking Stella and smoking Marlboro lights which I've probably fecking paid for.
Sort the roads out properly. Potholes to be repaired to an excellent standard (if its not good enough, it gets torn up and done again). Also, the Cat and Fiddle and other amazing driving roads to be made into sacred places. Like the motorways, no speed limits. But don't drive like a cock, this will result in something which I think is like an ASBO for the road but better. A giant sticker of "I'm a homo" will be added to the back of offending cars. Which reminds me, instead of ASBO's, community service in embarrasing costumes to be completed (more "I'm a homo" stickers). Failure to comply with community service rules, or failure to turn up, results in a police visit (not normally a real threat, but Gene Hunt style coppers should sort that out).
Road safety campaigns; we have "Think!", the Aussies have "Don't be a dhead". Which one do you prefer? Exactly. But road safety campaigns would not be the usual drivel. "Hit me at 30, blah blah blah". Teach them not to feck about in the roads in the first place.
Public transport; just needs a good sort out. More reliable, less bendy buses, remove the smell of piss.
Medical; solve the NHS issues, research probably needed but I'd get people to figure it out.
Defence; while Labour reduces army budgets, and more of our soldiers are dying, the army can have whatever they want, no matter what the cost. I know nukes aren't very popular, but the sad truth is we may need them at some point, so they'd be kept as a last resort. Also soldiers deserve much better pay, they have the most dangerous job in the world, they deserve a much better reward. In fact, this deserves a mini rant. Royal Mail and BA staff complain about pay and working conditions, let's see them complain after going on patrol in Afghanistan. bds.
Immigration; I don't want to ban people from coming here, but it does need sorting out. We cannot have a "let anyone and everyone in" policy, inevitably you get a few bad apples. But with police hopefully getting back a fearsome reputation, they would be deterred on coming here perhaps? Tighter controls will help make sure the "bad apples" don't slip through the net.
Climate Change; fk it, its all made up BS anyway. Anyone wishing to argue to be made to listen to V8s, 24/7. As said before, "gas guzzlers" and high CO2 producing cars to be encouraged, it is your right to have a V8 if you want one. What kind of tit would actually want to own a Prius?
Sports; with labour willing to throw billions on the olympics, why isn't there money to put into motorsport? Government money pays for swimming pools, olympic stadiums etc, so why not divert some of this into improving Silverstone? If this had been done in the first place, the entire Donington shambles would never have happened. Also, given that the current crop of numpties decide that their money goes on useless sporting projects, like ping pong tables for dwarves or whatever, controls to be tightened on where the money goes.
International relations; keep ties with America, while some outcomes of this are not good, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. If a V8 isn't enough for you there's probably something else good to come out of it, but I can't think of it right now. Same goes for Australia. Try to get on with everyone, but people who want to fk with us get to face the best army in the world, who would finally have the equipment to do the job properly. As said before, nuclear weapons may not be very popular, but they would be kept just in case we need them (as a last resort).
Right, think I've covered all the bases. Except perhaps for a deputy. Boris Johnson.
So, what would you do? An idea I've just had is this could end up as a PH party manifesto.
Ban all these "no win no fee" compensation things. I don't give a f
k if there wasn't a sign saying the floor was wet and you broke your ankle because you slipped on the water, bint. If you looked where you were going in the first place you wouldn't have fking fell would you? In fact, the only way I would allow any compensation to be given out to anyone, is if it could be 100% proven that it was 100% the fault of someone else.Stick 2 fingers up to the EU. We can sort out our own country thankyou very much.
Give Police more powers, maybe the Gene Hunt approach to policing will reduce crime statistics i.e behave or the rozzers will come round and put your head through a wall. Tazers will be standard issue, so any chavs/neds will end up frying. Also, seeing as Aussie cops get V8 Holdens, US cops get V8 Fords, why shouldn't our BiB get XFRs?
Speed limits on motorways removed. The Germans manage with ze autobahns, so why not here? Also, all speed cameras to be removed. Period.
Health and Safety to be given an overview. I don't need to be told that a packet of peanuts "contains nuts", or, for the smokers, that "smoking kills".
Remove "gas guzzler" tax, and make road tax one flat rate for every single car, except G Whizzes, which are so dangerous in an accident, I would either ban them, or make the tax £400 per year. Call it a "smug git" tax. Also applicable to Priuses. In fact, forget the scrappage deal, instead of scrapping a perfectly good old car for a Prius or some other s
tty ecobox, my government would give incentives to import something RWD, V8 powered. Corvettes, Holdens, Dodges, Mustangs. Anything big, loud and fast.Fuel duty tax would be reduced, and fuel prices capped at £1 per litre, no matter if its petrol or diesel, it would not exceed £1 a litre. If oil prives hit rock bottom again, fuel will be reduced. One small, flat rate for fuel duty. Simples.
Convicted paedophiles to be castrated. No appeal.
Instead of being sent to prison for a week then being told to be a good boy from now on, convicted murderers to face the firing squad.
Spending on benefits to cut, by getting people who can assess people on the dole properly, therefore only giving benefits to those who really need it. No more neds on the dole drinking Stella and smoking Marlboro lights which I've probably fecking paid for.
Sort the roads out properly. Potholes to be repaired to an excellent standard (if its not good enough, it gets torn up and done again). Also, the Cat and Fiddle and other amazing driving roads to be made into sacred places. Like the motorways, no speed limits. But don't drive like a cock, this will result in something which I think is like an ASBO for the road but better. A giant sticker of "I'm a homo" will be added to the back of offending cars. Which reminds me, instead of ASBO's, community service in embarrasing costumes to be completed (more "I'm a homo" stickers). Failure to comply with community service rules, or failure to turn up, results in a police visit (not normally a real threat, but Gene Hunt style coppers should sort that out).
Road safety campaigns; we have "Think!", the Aussies have "Don't be a d
head". Which one do you prefer? Exactly. But road safety campaigns would not be the usual drivel. "Hit me at 30, blah blah blah". Teach them not to feck about in the roads in the first place.Public transport; just needs a good sort out. More reliable, less bendy buses, remove the smell of piss.
Medical; solve the NHS issues, research probably needed but I'd get people to figure it out.
Defence; while Labour reduces army budgets, and more of our soldiers are dying, the army can have whatever they want, no matter what the cost. I know nukes aren't very popular, but the sad truth is we may need them at some point, so they'd be kept as a last resort. Also soldiers deserve much better pay, they have the most dangerous job in the world, they deserve a much better reward. In fact, this deserves a mini rant. Royal Mail and BA staff complain about pay and working conditions, let's see them complain after going on patrol in Afghanistan. b
ds.Immigration; I don't want to ban people from coming here, but it does need sorting out. We cannot have a "let anyone and everyone in" policy, inevitably you get a few bad apples. But with police hopefully getting back a fearsome reputation, they would be deterred on coming here perhaps? Tighter controls will help make sure the "bad apples" don't slip through the net.
Climate Change; f
k it, its all made up BS anyway. Anyone wishing to argue to be made to listen to V8s, 24/7. As said before, "gas guzzlers" and high CO2 producing cars to be encouraged, it is your right to have a V8 if you want one. What kind of tit would actually want to own a Prius?Sports; with labour willing to throw billions on the olympics, why isn't there money to put into motorsport? Government money pays for swimming pools, olympic stadiums etc, so why not divert some of this into improving Silverstone? If this had been done in the first place, the entire Donington shambles would never have happened. Also, given that the current crop of numpties decide that their money goes on useless sporting projects, like ping pong tables for dwarves or whatever, controls to be tightened on where the money goes.
International relations; keep ties with America, while some outcomes of this are not good, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. If a V8 isn't enough for you there's probably something else good to come out of it, but I can't think of it right now. Same goes for Australia. Try to get on with everyone, but people who want to f
k with us get to face the best army in the world, who would finally have the equipment to do the job properly. As said before, nuclear weapons may not be very popular, but they would be kept just in case we need them (as a last resort).Right, think I've covered all the bases. Except perhaps for a deputy. Boris Johnson.
So, what would you do? An idea I've just had is this could end up as a PH party manifesto.
OK. So I have just become not just PM, but the new absolute dictator of the UK.
First decree: find Mandelson, have him shot, no need for a public execution, just get it done.
Then I'd have a cup of coffee.
After that I'd probably have Brown and Blair done publicly, in the car park, as an example to the rest. Since that might take a few minutes to arrange I might have a second cup of coffee whilst waiting for the good news.
Then? My minions would start their work. No need for a big public sector.
And little need for redundancy payments.
If anyone would like to apply for a position in my not-very-secret-police send your application to:
The Absolute Dictator,
No 10 Downing Street.
Although the Palace will be more appropriate shortly.
First decree: find Mandelson, have him shot, no need for a public execution, just get it done.
Then I'd have a cup of coffee.
After that I'd probably have Brown and Blair done publicly, in the car park, as an example to the rest. Since that might take a few minutes to arrange I might have a second cup of coffee whilst waiting for the good news.
Then? My minions would start their work. No need for a big public sector.
And little need for redundancy payments.
If anyone would like to apply for a position in my not-very-secret-police send your application to:
The Absolute Dictator,
No 10 Downing Street.
Although the Palace will be more appropriate shortly.
mybrainhurts said:
Impeach Brown and Blair...
Set up re-education camps for socialists and liberals...
Round up all environmentalists and dump them on a rock in the South Atlantic...
Invade France...
Just for a start, you understand...
You can be in charge of my Foreign Office, if you like. Or Agriculture if you prefer?Set up re-education camps for socialists and liberals...
Round up all environmentalists and dump them on a rock in the South Atlantic...
Invade France...
Just for a start, you understand...
Don said:
mybrainhurts said:
Impeach Brown and Blair...
Set up re-education camps for socialists and liberals...
Round up all environmentalists and dump them on a rock in the South Atlantic...
Invade France...
Just for a start, you understand...
You can be in charge of my Foreign Office, if you like. Or Agriculture if you prefer?Set up re-education camps for socialists and liberals...
Round up all environmentalists and dump them on a rock in the South Atlantic...
Invade France...
Just for a start, you understand...
spud989 said:
Let's just say it's a good job you're not PM, eh.
Hmm I don't know, apparantly it works in Eastern Europe. Maybe complete penis severence will do the trick? dpbird90 said:
Convicted paedophiles to be castrated. No appeal.
Which will do nothing to appease their desire/urge to offend. Id restart our space program.
And contract a firm like Rio-Tinto to begin strip mining the moon for Ore and various metals, and while theyre out there, to process the regolith on the surface to produce HE3 ( currently retailing at £3,804,909,230 per tonne ! ) which is the preferred fuel for nuclear fusion, and currently extreamly rare, hence limiting development of Tokomaks.
with the absolute excess of money, coming into the country, my scientists will perfect fusion, and enable us to provide almost free poer to everyone in the country, and at the same time create the perfect power source for our new space empire. ( Hugely over sized Hall effect ION Drives )
bases will then be established on the folowing bodies :
Europa ( Unlimited water ICE for all of our other activites throughout the solar system also potential for liquid water ) this will provide cheap water, hyodrogen, and oxygen for all other future bases throughout the solar system. ( earth based supplies will be too expensive to launch with earths high gravity )
Titan ( unlimited liquid methane )
Saturn ( nuclear fusion powered flying base processing Hyodrogen and HE3 from the atomasphere )
Mercury ( Lots of heavy metals, Trace oxygen atomasphere to be compressed and used )
whilst all of this carries on, all the mining will be crewed by what used to be "dolies" and "chavs" .. the H&S bods can fund their own trips up to perform inspections.
this will lead us to once again become the leading world super power, as well as the first interplanatary super power.
all other issues will work themselves out once the first shipments of HE3 start comming in
also all bases will be defended by the next generation of planatary defence systems ( weapons industries seem very good at producing new and inventive ways of killing people.
this will mean no other countries can try to establish a beach-head on any piece of our new empire.
And contract a firm like Rio-Tinto to begin strip mining the moon for Ore and various metals, and while theyre out there, to process the regolith on the surface to produce HE3 ( currently retailing at £3,804,909,230 per tonne ! ) which is the preferred fuel for nuclear fusion, and currently extreamly rare, hence limiting development of Tokomaks.
with the absolute excess of money, coming into the country, my scientists will perfect fusion, and enable us to provide almost free poer to everyone in the country, and at the same time create the perfect power source for our new space empire. ( Hugely over sized Hall effect ION Drives )
bases will then be established on the folowing bodies :
Europa ( Unlimited water ICE for all of our other activites throughout the solar system also potential for liquid water ) this will provide cheap water, hyodrogen, and oxygen for all other future bases throughout the solar system. ( earth based supplies will be too expensive to launch with earths high gravity )
Titan ( unlimited liquid methane )
Saturn ( nuclear fusion powered flying base processing Hyodrogen and HE3 from the atomasphere )
Mercury ( Lots of heavy metals, Trace oxygen atomasphere to be compressed and used )
whilst all of this carries on, all the mining will be crewed by what used to be "dolies" and "chavs" .. the H&S bods can fund their own trips up to perform inspections.
this will lead us to once again become the leading world super power, as well as the first interplanatary super power.
all other issues will work themselves out once the first shipments of HE3 start comming in
also all bases will be defended by the next generation of planatary defence systems ( weapons industries seem very good at producing new and inventive ways of killing people.
this will mean no other countries can try to establish a beach-head on any piece of our new empire.
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