Financial controlling or balancing the budget
Discussion
There was a piece on to recently about people who are controlling when it comes to household finance and these people, usually men, were bad, for the woman's health and wellbeing.
I have to admit that there have been times in my life when I have been hard up, having £50 left at the end of the month was a big deal. I have never had to borrow or gone overdrawn and there have been times when people would have called me financially controlling when I said that we cannot afford this or that for the time being. I should add in my own defence that it was equal, I cut my own spending when times were hard.
For some people it doesn't seem to matter, I know one person who has £80,000 in debts and overdraft and doesn't seem bothered about it, he has little prospect of paying it off.
Therefore according to this tv program I am the bad person for controlling the finances so that we were not in debt but we got by, but looking back I really don't think it was a bad thing.
Who is right?
I have to admit that there have been times in my life when I have been hard up, having £50 left at the end of the month was a big deal. I have never had to borrow or gone overdrawn and there have been times when people would have called me financially controlling when I said that we cannot afford this or that for the time being. I should add in my own defence that it was equal, I cut my own spending when times were hard.
For some people it doesn't seem to matter, I know one person who has £80,000 in debts and overdraft and doesn't seem bothered about it, he has little prospect of paying it off.
Therefore according to this tv program I am the bad person for controlling the finances so that we were not in debt but we got by, but looking back I really don't think it was a bad thing.
Who is right?
This is one of those "there are three truths" situations. To you, obviously you are right. To a third party, you are a monster, by not replacing the sofa that's a year old, because it's not a fashionable colour 
You and your missus have patently talked about things, and have a common outlook on money matters, and what's important to each of you. Not carrying "unnecessary" debt is one of your triggers, and working together, you don't. Good result. If you were married to someone whose money never seemed to stick to their hands, and was looking to overdraft by the middle of the month, your marriage would be different.
You and your missus have patently talked about things, and have a common outlook on money matters, and what's important to each of you. Not carrying "unnecessary" debt is one of your triggers, and working together, you don't. Good result. If you were married to someone whose money never seemed to stick to their hands, and was looking to overdraft by the middle of the month, your marriage would be different.
randlemarcus said:
This is one of those "there are three truths" situations. To you, obviously you are right. To a third party, you are a monster, by not replacing the sofa that's a year old, because it's not a fashionable colour
You and your missus have patently talked about things, and have a common outlook on money matters, and what's important to each of you. Not carrying "unnecessary" debt is one of your triggers, and working together, you don't. Good result. If you were married to someone whose money never seemed to stick to their hands, and was looking to overdraft by the middle of the month, your marriage would be different.
Thanks for your advice, appreciated.You and your missus have patently talked about things, and have a common outlook on money matters, and what's important to each of you. Not carrying "unnecessary" debt is one of your triggers, and working together, you don't. Good result. If you were married to someone whose money never seemed to stick to their hands, and was looking to overdraft by the middle of the month, your marriage would be different.
K87 said:
Who is right?
One thing I would say is that the truly controlling would never post up such a thread to question themselves, so you can't be that bad and might not be bad at all.If you spend too much money then even everyone has to control their finances eventually, even the £80K debt guy, one day he won't be given more, you are (I would say sensibly) not wanting to get to that point before you'd change. On the flip side you could be too cautious and that could translate into being seen to be too controlling.
There always used to be a healthy respect/fear of a zero balance, like the feeling when you were down to your last £50, but those days are gone, debt is almost expected/encouraged/promoted and so someone's "last £50" moment is deferred by easily available credit and can turn into something much bigger and harder to recover from if they can at all? So their moment comes when they can't service the debt, not when they first get to zero in the bank.
When they talk about people being financially controlling, they mean that one partner has zero control over their own finances so that the other partner can control them. If you have to ask every time you want to do something that costs money, eventually you'll just stop doing things.
Having a discussion with a partner and disagreeing about whether you can afford something isn't a problem.
Having a discussion with a partner and disagreeing about whether you can afford something isn't a problem.
Thank you all
I was also called financially controlling in divorce proceedings, but that didn't stop her taking over £250,000 and then disappearing before the divorce started, many years after the times when we had to watch what we spent.
It doesn't apply to me any more but I can imagine that there are households with limited income where one party wants to spend a significant amount of money and the other is concerned about household bills who then gets the criticism, you are financially controlling. For example, I know someone who has borrowed the money or a season ticket when the family has very little money for anything other than the basics. His responses to criticism is you only live once and going to football is one major reason why I go to work. As has been said above, a conversation is needed, especially when times are hard for many but TV air time on how bad it is to be financially controlling is less than helpful for people who are trying to do their best.
I was also called financially controlling in divorce proceedings, but that didn't stop her taking over £250,000 and then disappearing before the divorce started, many years after the times when we had to watch what we spent.
It doesn't apply to me any more but I can imagine that there are households with limited income where one party wants to spend a significant amount of money and the other is concerned about household bills who then gets the criticism, you are financially controlling. For example, I know someone who has borrowed the money or a season ticket when the family has very little money for anything other than the basics. His responses to criticism is you only live once and going to football is one major reason why I go to work. As has been said above, a conversation is needed, especially when times are hard for many but TV air time on how bad it is to be financially controlling is less than helpful for people who are trying to do their best.
It would seem the msm are blurring the lines between financially controlling and controlling finances.
I lived in my own house for 5 years before my partner came along. Therefore I have just always paid the bills, we discuss them but there has never been any need for my partner to be involved with that. She pays an agreed sum which covers bills (with a slight surplus) and mortgage. The surplus covers boiler servicing/land maintenance fee ect. I'm sure some people would call that financially controlling. That said she has £1200 left over each month to spend or save as she wishes (she generally saves a minimum of £500).
I lived in my own house for 5 years before my partner came along. Therefore I have just always paid the bills, we discuss them but there has never been any need for my partner to be involved with that. She pays an agreed sum which covers bills (with a slight surplus) and mortgage. The surplus covers boiler servicing/land maintenance fee ect. I'm sure some people would call that financially controlling. That said she has £1200 left over each month to spend or save as she wishes (she generally saves a minimum of £500).
K87 said:
There was a piece on to recently about people who are controlling when it comes to household finance and these people, usually men, were bad, for the woman's health and wellbeing.
I have to admit that there have been times in my life when I have been hard up, having £50 left at the end of the month was a big deal. I have never had to borrow or gone overdrawn and there have been times when people would have called me financially controlling when I said that we cannot afford this or that for the time being. I should add in my own defence that it was equal, I cut my own spending when times were hard.
For some people it doesn't seem to matter, I know one person who has £80,000 in debts and overdraft and doesn't seem bothered about it, he has little prospect of paying it off.
Therefore according to this tv program I am the bad person for controlling the finances so that we were not in debt but we got by, but looking back I really don't think it was a bad thing.
Who is right?
There is a spectrum with "two adults openly discussing finances and making joint decisions over big purchases but having independent control over their own finances" at one end and "one adult micro-managing the other's expenditure, not giving them any control, questioning every bit of spending they do, blaming them for financial issues".I have to admit that there have been times in my life when I have been hard up, having £50 left at the end of the month was a big deal. I have never had to borrow or gone overdrawn and there have been times when people would have called me financially controlling when I said that we cannot afford this or that for the time being. I should add in my own defence that it was equal, I cut my own spending when times were hard.
For some people it doesn't seem to matter, I know one person who has £80,000 in debts and overdraft and doesn't seem bothered about it, he has little prospect of paying it off.
Therefore according to this tv program I am the bad person for controlling the finances so that we were not in debt but we got by, but looking back I really don't think it was a bad thing.
Who is right?
My wife saves her money. I pay for almost all of the household bills including her credit card. She tells me I'm controlling when i ask her exactly how many coats/shoes/handbags a person realistically needs at one point in time.
alock said:
One of the reasons my ex-wife listed for our divorce was that I was "financially controlling".
From my side, I just wanted us to spend less each month than we earned.
My ex wife seemed to think that ending the month with any money left over was a waste. Since our divorce 9 years ago I have managed to buy two houses and currently have a decent five figure sum in the bank in cash.From my side, I just wanted us to spend less each month than we earned.
Amazing how all those meals out, shoes, clothes and other pointless crap long forgotten about and in land fill add up to a significant amount of money over time.
I work with a guy who has £30K of credit card debt, he has nothing to show for it and no idea what it went on.
Not being in debt is easy, like losing weight everybody knows what the solution is, but everyone wants a magic solution that involves no effort and allows them to keep their current lifestyle.
BoRED S2upid said:
alock said:
One of the reasons my ex-wife listed for our divorce was that I was "financially controlling".
From my side, I just wanted us to spend less each month than we earned.
Ah but how much less. From my side, I just wanted us to spend less each month than we earned.
OP it's impossible to know "who is right" without hearing the other side of the story. And even then there are no objective standards of "right" - as with every other aspect of partnership, it's about finding a sustainable compromise.
For many years the wife and I argued fiercely over finances. She's a spender and I'm a saver. And the fact that I contribute 100% of the family finances and she contributes 0 definitely added to the conflict. Being the only earner I felt especially compelled to call out for why months and years on end our outgoings consistently exceeded our incomings, despite earning good money, while she felt 'trapped' by her complete dependency on me for her income, and my monthly interrogations when the statements arrived.
What solved the problem - at a stroke - was going from a joint bank account and credit cards to entirely separate accounts, and she now receives a fixed stipend every month for her to use as she sees fit rather than using our joint funds. The difference is she now has full responsibility for managing her own expenditure. When it was 'our' money she paid no attention to her spending and I had no choice but to call it out, resulting in repeated arguments. Now it's 'her' money I don't need visibility over how she uses it, and in fact she's actually learned how to manage her budget rather well. That solution won't work for all, but it did for us.
For many years the wife and I argued fiercely over finances. She's a spender and I'm a saver. And the fact that I contribute 100% of the family finances and she contributes 0 definitely added to the conflict. Being the only earner I felt especially compelled to call out for why months and years on end our outgoings consistently exceeded our incomings, despite earning good money, while she felt 'trapped' by her complete dependency on me for her income, and my monthly interrogations when the statements arrived.
What solved the problem - at a stroke - was going from a joint bank account and credit cards to entirely separate accounts, and she now receives a fixed stipend every month for her to use as she sees fit rather than using our joint funds. The difference is she now has full responsibility for managing her own expenditure. When it was 'our' money she paid no attention to her spending and I had no choice but to call it out, resulting in repeated arguments. Now it's 'her' money I don't need visibility over how she uses it, and in fact she's actually learned how to manage her budget rather well. That solution won't work for all, but it did for us.
plenty said:
OP it's impossible to know "who is right" without hearing the other side of the story. And even then there are no objective standards of "right" - as with every other aspect of partnership, it's about finding a sustainable compromise.
For many years the wife and I argued fiercely over finances. She's a spender and I'm a saver. And the fact that I contribute 100% of the family finances and she contributes 0 definitely added to the conflict. Being the only earner I felt especially compelled to call out for why months and years on end our outgoings consistently exceeded our incomings, despite earning good money, while she felt 'trapped' by her complete dependency on me for her income, and my monthly interrogations when the statements arrived.
What solved the problem - at a stroke - was going from a joint bank account and credit cards to entirely separate accounts, and she now receives a fixed stipend every month for her to use as she sees fit rather than using our joint funds. The difference is she now has full responsibility for managing her own expenditure. When it was 'our' money she paid no attention to her spending and I had no choice but to call it out, resulting in repeated arguments. Now it's 'her' money I don't need visibility over how she uses it, and in fact she's actually learned how to manage her budget rather well. That solution won't work for all, but it did for us.
Same same. For many years the wife and I argued fiercely over finances. She's a spender and I'm a saver. And the fact that I contribute 100% of the family finances and she contributes 0 definitely added to the conflict. Being the only earner I felt especially compelled to call out for why months and years on end our outgoings consistently exceeded our incomings, despite earning good money, while she felt 'trapped' by her complete dependency on me for her income, and my monthly interrogations when the statements arrived.
What solved the problem - at a stroke - was going from a joint bank account and credit cards to entirely separate accounts, and she now receives a fixed stipend every month for her to use as she sees fit rather than using our joint funds. The difference is she now has full responsibility for managing her own expenditure. When it was 'our' money she paid no attention to her spending and I had no choice but to call it out, resulting in repeated arguments. Now it's 'her' money I don't need visibility over how she uses it, and in fact she's actually learned how to manage her budget rather well. That solution won't work for all, but it did for us.
Only I transfer my wife's stipend weekly because she cannot manage money very well. To be clear, this money is just to buy clothes, haircuts, food/drink while she is out alone etc.
MrJuice said:
Only I transfer my wife's stipend weekly because she cannot manage money very well. To be clear, this money is just to buy clothes, haircuts, food/drink while she is out alone etc.
Same same. Stipend doesn't include bills or other essentials, just discretionary spend.b
hstewie said:
hstewie said: Isn't that ^^ the sort of thing where some people would see it as starting to stray into what they would define as "controlling" behaviour though?
Maybe, but if the alternative is debt and constant strife then I'll pick controlling.bhstewie said:
hstewie said: Isn't that ^^ the sort of thing where some people would see it as starting to stray into what they would define as "controlling" behaviour though?
Maybe. It was my suggestion which wife agreed to and now she's much better able to manage her money. I don't see it as controlling but understand some people would.
To also be clear, we tried joint account for years cos I really wanted that to work. I'd overlook one offs all the time but it was not working
We are not remotely in the income bracket to be buying silk bed sheet sets from harrods but guess what happened when we had a joint account....?
We are not remotely in the income bracket to be buying silk bed sheet sets from harrods but guess what happened when we had a joint account....?
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