Using partners credit card without permission

[Seti]

I am having an argument with my girlfriend of seven years regarding her use of my credit card.

Several years ago I agreed she could use my credit card to purchase something on ebay. The card has remained on her account and several times a month she accidentally (I haven't used quotes around accidentally on purpose...) uses my card for new purchases. These are never for a huge amount - probably totals £50 per month. When challenged she refuses to pay the money back as:

I earn more than her
It is usually something for our children

I argue back that she hasn't asked and in my view it is no different from her taking money out of my wallet.

So the questing is...Is the use and non repayment acceptable?

[tribalsurfer]

Grow a pair and remove your card details

[Seti]

tribalsurfer said:

Grow a pair and remove your card details

You're not wrong but I'm more interested in people's views as my girlfriend assures me this in not uncommon. I don't believe that this is true but might well be out of sync....

[Muzzer79]

Seti said:

I am having an argument with my girlfriend of seven years regarding her use of my credit card.

Several years ago I agreed she could use my credit card to purchase something on ebay. The card has remained on her account and several times a month she accidentally (I haven't used quotes around accidentally on purpose...) uses my card for new purchases. These are never for a huge amount - probably totals £50 per month. When challenged she refuses to pay the money back as:

I earn more than her
It is usually something for our children

I argue back that she hasn't asked and in my view it is no different from her taking money out of my wallet.

So the questing is...Is the use and non repayment acceptable?

More context required.

How do you split your household outgoings and earnings in general? Is it a straight 50/50 or are other weighted factors in play?

If you split it by a defined method, how are the children's costs covered?

Do you earn more because you're full time and she's at home with the children?

On the face of it, it's out of order to use your card without your permission and then refuse to acknowledge it. But, if you are down the pub spending your earnings whilst your kids are in clothes that don't fit then it's a different matter

[Bill]

Seti said:

I am having an argument with my girlfriend of seven years regarding her use of my credit card.

Several years ago I agreed she could use my credit card to purchase something on ebay. The card has remained on her account and several times a month she accidentally (I haven't used quotes around accidentally on purpose...) uses my card for new purchases. These are never for a huge amount - probably totals £50 per month. When challenged she refuses to pay the money back as:

I earn more than her
It is usually something for our children

I argue back that she hasn't asked and in my view it is no different from her taking money out of my wallet.

So the questing is...Is the use and non repayment acceptable?

How do your household finances work generally? The answer to this could be anywhere from "she's out of order" to "you're an unreasonable control freak.".

[Gigamoons]

There is no correct answer, every couple work their finances as they see fit.
The key is communication.

On one hand, the mother of your children is buying stuff for your kids.
On the other she's mismanaging family finances, so just cancel the card, get a new one and don't share the details with her to avoid these 'accidents'.

Both are 'acceptable', but only you guys can agree what's acceptable within the constructs of your family finances.

The opinion of some internets randomers isn't going to give you an answer.

[Zetec-S]

Muzzer79 said:

More context required.

How do you split your household outgoings and earnings in general? Is it a straight 50/50 or are other weighted factors in play?

If you split it by a defined method, how are the children's costs covered?

Do you earn more because you're full time and she's at home with the children?

On the face of it, it's out of order to use your card without your permission and then refuse to acknowledge it. But, if you are down the pub spending your earnings whilst your kids are in clothes that don't fit then it's a different matter

^^^ This

[Seti]

I pay three times per month more than she does - I earn (I think) 2.5 times what she does.

In fairness, I probably have a bigger surplus than she does which I do spend in the pub....

The children are well fed and clothed! :-)

[Driver101]

Buying without permission is not on even if it is for the kids.

How long before your CC expires? I get a new CC every 2/3 years. She will no longer manage to order things on the old card.

[SmoothCriminal]

Earnings shouldn't even matter if it's for your kids I really can't see the issue as long as you can afford it.

[Countdown]

Seti said:

tribalsurfer said:

Grow a pair and remove your card details

You're not wrong but I'm more interested in people's views as my girlfriend assures me this in not uncommon. I don't believe that this is true but might well be out of sync....

It's not uncommon for one partner to provide the other with a Credit Card (that they have full permission to use). It's uncommon and odd for one partner to allow the other to use their credit card against their will.

If you're happy for her to use your CC then great. if you're NOT happy for her to use your CC then it's a simple matter of removing her access. I'm genuinely not sure what the problem is.

[cheesejunkie]

More importantly don't leave it lying.

Ok, you're a bit annoyed. She may or may not care. I don't care but as you posted it on the internet ...

Going forward, sort out going forward and forget about the past. Don't ask for a vote unless it's all a game to you in which case party on dude. But if it's not speak your mind but don't expect it to be more worthwhile than her's, if you want behavioural change you can't demand it.

[greygoose]

If it is things for your children then it is ok, as others have said it depends how you divide up your household finances. Fifty quid a month isn’t a big issue to get upset about, unless your finances are stretched, if she was racking up hundreds a month then it would be different.

[Bill]

Have you actually asked her not to?

[Seti]

Bill said:

Have you actually asked her not to?

Yes - several times

[InitialDave]

Can you request a replacement card?

[jm8403]

Seti said:

Yes - several times

Simple. Remove it.

[Bill]

Seti said:

Yes - several times

Personally I'd struggle to get upset about it. She's spending a relatively small amount on your kids from your (larger) pot, if the communal account doesn't have enough in it and the kids need extra stuff then you need a rejig of finances IMO. Whether that's a bigger contribution or better budgeting only you (both...) can judge.

[cml24]

SmoothCriminal said:

Earnings shouldn't even matter if it's for your kids I really can't see the issue as long as you can afford it.

As others have said, it varies, and there is no correct answer. However, this is my approach. At the point me and my partner had kids together, our finances were completely merged anyway. About six years into the relationship.

We have a single credit card (a physical card each) and its in my name, I pay it off each month. She spends what she needs or wants on it. I trust her enough and don't want to have a conversation about every new backpack or pair of jeans for her or our daughter!

I will add, if you've explicitly said not to use it, and she has carried on using it then that isn't on either, regardless.

[Seti]

All very helpful and though-provoking replies - thanks all for your input.