Planning for divorce
Discussion
Long story as short as possible:
Married for twenty years, I am late 50s and she is early 50s. Kids 16 and 18.
When we met, we were equal financially. However in the past twenty years I have built several businesses value of around £3m post-tax.
She reluctantly returned to full-time work after kids, but got sacked. I suspect deliberately. She has returned to work part-time, but her salary covers a fraction of our outgoings.
She is menopausal, I am in remission from prostate cancer. I however still have a strong libido and my cancer treatment has not really impacted upon my desire for, or ability to have, sex. I don't get much anymore though, which is very hard for me.
I try to be objective about myself and I THINK I am more or less the man she married. I look after myself physically, I am still driven (and my charm and wit remain absent!). She however is nothing like the woman I married. She is still attractive physically, but her personality has changed completely.
The long and short of it is that I cannot see us remaining married long term. I am quite good at shielding the kids from my unhappiness and I won't do anything until they have left home, unless forced to. I want them to have a stable upbringing.
But I am not prepared to continue grafting and taking a lot of risk, if later I will have to give her half. I certainly don't want to take on MORE risk, but feel that I am still young enough to do more.
I have tried talking to her several times about my concerns, but it washes over her and she doesn't change. I feel as though any further attempts will just sound whiny and she clearly doesn't want to / cannot change.
My options as I see them are as follows:
1. Use my foreign travel as a cover for a second relationship elsewhere. Keep home compartmentalised. Do no more than I am doing business-wise. Feels a bit grubby though.
2. Keep moving forward and accept that I will be giving at least half of it away. I feel resentful even writing that.
3. Divorce as soon as my eldest goes to Uni.
TLDR: Wife and I have grown apart, I am still ambitious but don't want to keep grafting to give half away.
Married for twenty years, I am late 50s and she is early 50s. Kids 16 and 18.
When we met, we were equal financially. However in the past twenty years I have built several businesses value of around £3m post-tax.
She reluctantly returned to full-time work after kids, but got sacked. I suspect deliberately. She has returned to work part-time, but her salary covers a fraction of our outgoings.
She is menopausal, I am in remission from prostate cancer. I however still have a strong libido and my cancer treatment has not really impacted upon my desire for, or ability to have, sex. I don't get much anymore though, which is very hard for me.
I try to be objective about myself and I THINK I am more or less the man she married. I look after myself physically, I am still driven (and my charm and wit remain absent!). She however is nothing like the woman I married. She is still attractive physically, but her personality has changed completely.
The long and short of it is that I cannot see us remaining married long term. I am quite good at shielding the kids from my unhappiness and I won't do anything until they have left home, unless forced to. I want them to have a stable upbringing.
But I am not prepared to continue grafting and taking a lot of risk, if later I will have to give her half. I certainly don't want to take on MORE risk, but feel that I am still young enough to do more.
I have tried talking to her several times about my concerns, but it washes over her and she doesn't change. I feel as though any further attempts will just sound whiny and she clearly doesn't want to / cannot change.
My options as I see them are as follows:
1. Use my foreign travel as a cover for a second relationship elsewhere. Keep home compartmentalised. Do no more than I am doing business-wise. Feels a bit grubby though.
2. Keep moving forward and accept that I will be giving at least half of it away. I feel resentful even writing that.
3. Divorce as soon as my eldest goes to Uni.
TLDR: Wife and I have grown apart, I am still ambitious but don't want to keep grafting to give half away.
The reason finances get split near in half in case such as yours, is that your wife has taken the opportunity cost of progressing professionally, to have kids. If that hadn't happened, who knows what she might have achieved?
It also sounds like she's had a full time job bringing up your children while you worked. The courts see these as equal value, as should you, since you were afforded the freedom to work on your business, by her primary care.
You might not like that view, but that's how a judge, your wife and her solicitor will see it, if things become acrimonious. The circumstances of your separation (either of you playing away, or just drifting apart) won't matter.
It also sounds like she's had a full time job bringing up your children while you worked. The courts see these as equal value, as should you, since you were afforded the freedom to work on your business, by her primary care.
You might not like that view, but that's how a judge, your wife and her solicitor will see it, if things become acrimonious. The circumstances of your separation (either of you playing away, or just drifting apart) won't matter.
Doesn't read very well OP. You seem to be a bit of a selfish misogynist. There doesn't seem to be much effort on your part to understand your wife, her menopause or realise you are partners. You appear to think it's all her fault and nothing to do with you.
Of course, I might be overthinking how you have written your post and I mean no offence. So if I've got it wrong, I'm sorry.
Perhaps actually try having the conversation with her properly first?
Of course, I might be overthinking how you have written your post and I mean no offence. So if I've got it wrong, I'm sorry.
Perhaps actually try having the conversation with her properly first?
ked 
This doesn't read great to be honest, but I know sometimes just venting sometimes reads back a bit wonky. So benefit of the doubt...
If you're unhappy, then plan to separate. You can't wish away your wife's rights to financial stability and support post-divorce, but you can plan ahead a bit if you are that way inclined. Your matrimonial assets are what counts, so the less you have the less you give away. You could make the kids comfortable for example which would be a sensible thing to do anyway for inheritance reasons.
Personally I'd focus on future assets and protecting those, so pensions, business etc. Cash and other assets are just yours to share.
Don't underestimate the impact on kids, do what is best for them emotionally and financially.
If you're unhappy, then plan to separate. You can't wish away your wife's rights to financial stability and support post-divorce, but you can plan ahead a bit if you are that way inclined. Your matrimonial assets are what counts, so the less you have the less you give away. You could make the kids comfortable for example which would be a sensible thing to do anyway for inheritance reasons.
Personally I'd focus on future assets and protecting those, so pensions, business etc. Cash and other assets are just yours to share.
Don't underestimate the impact on kids, do what is best for them emotionally and financially.
Jefferson Steelflex said:
This doesn't read great to be honest, but I know sometimes just venting sometimes reads back a bit wonky. So benefit of the doubt...
If you're unhappy, then plan to separate. You can't wish away your wife's rights to financial stability and support post-divorce, but you can plan ahead a bit if you are that way inclined. Your matrimonial assets are what counts, so the less you have the less you give away. You could make the kids comfortable for example which would be a sensible thing to do anyway for inheritance reasons.
Personally I'd focus on future assets and protecting those, so pensions, business etc. Cash and other assets are just yours to share.
Don't underestimate the impact on kids, do what is best for them emotionally and financially.
Very much that last bit. I’d be looking to set up a trust fund. Say you’re worth £3m split it 3 ways with a third going into a trust for the kids. OP moves to Thailand and lives like a king. If you're unhappy, then plan to separate. You can't wish away your wife's rights to financial stability and support post-divorce, but you can plan ahead a bit if you are that way inclined. Your matrimonial assets are what counts, so the less you have the less you give away. You could make the kids comfortable for example which would be a sensible thing to do anyway for inheritance reasons.
Personally I'd focus on future assets and protecting those, so pensions, business etc. Cash and other assets are just yours to share.
Don't underestimate the impact on kids, do what is best for them emotionally and financially.
Thanks for the replies guys.
If anyone thinks I sound selfish, that is fine. My wife has enjoyed a far more comfortable life than she had before we met, due entirely to my effort. I have also put her and the kids first at all times. I can see nothing wrong with considering myself now. Though I would highlight that I am still prioritising the welfare of my kids.
As for what she could have achieved had she not had kids: who knows. But what I do know is that she returned to her career, moaned continually about it and then got sacked for telling the head of business how to do his job. I saw the email, I would have sacked her too.
So a few of you think i should speak to a solicitor. Maybe that is good advice. I will post back with what the advice is.
If anyone thinks I sound selfish, that is fine. My wife has enjoyed a far more comfortable life than she had before we met, due entirely to my effort. I have also put her and the kids first at all times. I can see nothing wrong with considering myself now. Though I would highlight that I am still prioritising the welfare of my kids.
As for what she could have achieved had she not had kids: who knows. But what I do know is that she returned to her career, moaned continually about it and then got sacked for telling the head of business how to do his job. I saw the email, I would have sacked her too.
So a few of you think i should speak to a solicitor. Maybe that is good advice. I will post back with what the advice is.
Jeez, dripping with "I", "Me", "My", and rather light on mention of your kids.
Low post count, holiday / downtime period - maybe a satirical Mumsnet infiltrator?
Edit - "have built several businesses value of around £3m post-tax". You whaaaaaa, mate?
Low post count, holiday / downtime period - maybe a satirical Mumsnet infiltrator?
Edit - "have built several businesses value of around £3m post-tax". You whaaaaaa, mate?
Edited by CloudStuff on Thursday 28th December 17:57
MJC63 said:
Thanks for the replies guys.
If anyone thinks I sound selfish, that is fine. My wife has enjoyed a far more comfortable life than she had before we met, due entirely to my effort. I have also put her and the kids first at all times. I can see nothing wrong with considering myself now. Though I would highlight that I am still prioritising the welfare of my kids.
As for what she could have achieved had she not had kids: who knows. But what I do know is that she returned to her career, moaned continually about it and then got sacked for telling the head of business how to do his job. I saw the email, I would have sacked her too.
So a few of you think i should speak to a solicitor. Maybe that is good advice. I will post back with what the advice is.
Seems that my response at the outset is still pretty accurate.If anyone thinks I sound selfish, that is fine. My wife has enjoyed a far more comfortable life than she had before we met, due entirely to my effort. I have also put her and the kids first at all times. I can see nothing wrong with considering myself now. Though I would highlight that I am still prioritising the welfare of my kids.
As for what she could have achieved had she not had kids: who knows. But what I do know is that she returned to her career, moaned continually about it and then got sacked for telling the head of business how to do his job. I saw the email, I would have sacked her too.
So a few of you think i should speak to a solicitor. Maybe that is good advice. I will post back with what the advice is.
Perhaps it's your wife who should come on here, so that we can advise her to seek a divorce (with at least 50% of total assets to be split evenly).
Late bid for troll post of the year?
Buy watches. Coke and hookers. Frozen sausages in the lawn.
If you've actually managed to raise 2 kids, stay married for 20 years and build several successful businesses you probably already know the answer is to have a grown up conversation about how to enjoy the rest of your lives once the kids leave the nest, with a fair and amicable separation one possibility.
Buy watches. Coke and hookers. Frozen sausages in the lawn.
If you've actually managed to raise 2 kids, stay married for 20 years and build several successful businesses you probably already know the answer is to have a grown up conversation about how to enjoy the rest of your lives once the kids leave the nest, with a fair and amicable separation one possibility.
Wacky Racer said:
Don't have an "affair". That's grubby.
Exactly. Also, don't stay together for the kids. They aren't stupid. My parents should have split up when I was still in primary school, instead they stayed together until I was in college. Both would have been far happier with new partners.OP's is primarily concerned about how he can get away with not splitting the marital wealth 50/50.
It's funny how when love is lost suddenly the marital wealth becomes owned by the one who earned the most financially as if they had entered some kind of financial contract on the wedding day! Unless there actually is a pre-nup contract, the partner who stayed at home to help raise the kids is every bit entitled to half the marital pot.
He clearly needs to get divorced, that's a given. Considering cheating to save money is extremely poor form.
I read this as being someone who needs to grow a pair and stop being a greedy snivelling coward in the face of having to do the 'right' thing: a fair divorce for his wife. Her lawyer will ensure this happens.
I am very recently divorced myself by an ex who started having an affair and then, with her boyfriend's advice, started divorce proceedings against me abroad in an attempt to deny me half the pension we had jointly built up but had agreed would be in her portfolio. Happily I managed to get the divorce heard here in the UK.
OP, it matters not that you were the bread-winner, your wife is entitled to a fair outcome in any divorce. Man up.
It's funny how when love is lost suddenly the marital wealth becomes owned by the one who earned the most financially as if they had entered some kind of financial contract on the wedding day! Unless there actually is a pre-nup contract, the partner who stayed at home to help raise the kids is every bit entitled to half the marital pot.
He clearly needs to get divorced, that's a given. Considering cheating to save money is extremely poor form.
I read this as being someone who needs to grow a pair and stop being a greedy snivelling coward in the face of having to do the 'right' thing: a fair divorce for his wife. Her lawyer will ensure this happens.
I am very recently divorced myself by an ex who started having an affair and then, with her boyfriend's advice, started divorce proceedings against me abroad in an attempt to deny me half the pension we had jointly built up but had agreed would be in her portfolio. Happily I managed to get the divorce heard here in the UK.
OP, it matters not that you were the bread-winner, your wife is entitled to a fair outcome in any divorce. Man up.
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