How do I leave my family?
Discussion
My partner and I (not married) have been together for 20 years. I’m 44, she’s 45. We have two amazing boys, 10 and 14.
We are lucky enough to have £300k equity. We owe £200k, fixed for another 2 years.
I work in Marketing and earn £60k, she’s a part time teacher and does the majority of childcare too.
In my eyes our relationship has no future. She’s a lovely woman and will always be a great mum to our boys, but things have changed so much. We have nothing in common, intimacy and affection ceased years ago, we want different things and our outlooks for the future are poles apart. From my perspective the love is lost, no therapy will recover that, so I’ve made the decision to leave. Emotionally I’ve already gone. I’m absolutely dreading telling the boys.
I want to minimise any disruption to their life/education so I was thinking I’d move out, rent somewhere for a number of years, see the boys as often as possible, then when they’re older the house can be sold and I can buy my own place.
The problem is how do we finance things between now and then. She can’t afford to run the house on her income alone (even if it’s boosted with universal credit and child support payments). And I can’t afford to give her enough to make it work for them, plus cover my rental costs.
I feel trapped. I want to do the best by them, I want them to stay in the home near their school, this isn’t their fault. But I can’t stay there… I’m not living, I’m existing.
Or should I suggest the house is sold sooner rather than later and because it’s me initiating things should I cover the mortgage early redemption fees and take a smaller proportion of the equity?
I just want a solution which will work for everyone. If anyone had been in a similar situation I’d really welcome your advice.
We are lucky enough to have £300k equity. We owe £200k, fixed for another 2 years.
I work in Marketing and earn £60k, she’s a part time teacher and does the majority of childcare too.
In my eyes our relationship has no future. She’s a lovely woman and will always be a great mum to our boys, but things have changed so much. We have nothing in common, intimacy and affection ceased years ago, we want different things and our outlooks for the future are poles apart. From my perspective the love is lost, no therapy will recover that, so I’ve made the decision to leave. Emotionally I’ve already gone. I’m absolutely dreading telling the boys.
I want to minimise any disruption to their life/education so I was thinking I’d move out, rent somewhere for a number of years, see the boys as often as possible, then when they’re older the house can be sold and I can buy my own place.
The problem is how do we finance things between now and then. She can’t afford to run the house on her income alone (even if it’s boosted with universal credit and child support payments). And I can’t afford to give her enough to make it work for them, plus cover my rental costs.
I feel trapped. I want to do the best by them, I want them to stay in the home near their school, this isn’t their fault. But I can’t stay there… I’m not living, I’m existing.
Or should I suggest the house is sold sooner rather than later and because it’s me initiating things should I cover the mortgage early redemption fees and take a smaller proportion of the equity?
I just want a solution which will work for everyone. If anyone had been in a similar situation I’d really welcome your advice.
[Name], take you, [Name], to be my [wife/husband/partner], to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part".
Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
Edited by A500leroy on Sunday 12th April 16:56
I'm sorry to hear of your siituation.
BigDay said:
She can't afford to run the house on her income alone and I can't afford to give her enough to make it work for them, plus cover my rental costs.
I fear you've answered your own question.BigDay said:
I suggest the house is sold sooner rather than later and because it's me initiating things should I cover the mortgage early redemption fees and take a smaller proportion of the equity?
You're going to need paid advice from a solicitor experienced in family law.Does your wife know what you are planning or will it come as a shock?
I ask because my first wife decided to leave after 13 years of marriage and it came from nowhere as far as I was concerned. Turned our she had met someone else which she never admitted. Very hurtful. In our case, we had no kids and I was able to buy her out with the help of my folks. Worked out fine in the end.
I ask because my first wife decided to leave after 13 years of marriage and it came from nowhere as far as I was concerned. Turned our she had met someone else which she never admitted. Very hurtful. In our case, we had no kids and I was able to buy her out with the help of my folks. Worked out fine in the end.
BigDay said:
In my eyes our relationship has no future.
What's your perception of "better" than the current situation? Wedged in a bed-sit without any spending money doesn't sound all that attractive to me.Is there any need to move out? It doesn't sound as though you can't stand the sight of each other. Some people can be "together apart" and others can be "apart together".
Could you be "sometimes there and sometimes away" rather than "always away"?
Sounds like you'll be financially f
ked and probably still only existing, just in a stty flat and with less access to your kids. The flat and support payments will obviously make you a woman magnet.
How do you imagine your life once you have split, do you think you will meet somone and your life will be fixed?
How about carving yourself out some time for yourself, and finding a hobby instead?
You might find this interesting if you haven't dated in a while!
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
ked and probably still only existing, just in a stty flat and with less access to your kids. The flat and support payments will obviously make you a woman magnet. How do you imagine your life once you have split, do you think you will meet somone and your life will be fixed?
How about carving yourself out some time for yourself, and finding a hobby instead?
You might find this interesting if you haven't dated in a while!
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...
A500leroy said:
Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
There is another perspective - one where you might consider that children growing up in an unhappy home can be more toxic than splitting up.Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
Staying together 'for the kids' is not always the right decision.
A500leroy][Name said:
, take you, [Name], to be my [wife/husband/partner], to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part".
Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
Calm down. Needless histrionics. Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
Edited by A500leroy on Sunday 12th April 16:56
A500leroy][Name said:
, take you, [Name], to be my [wife/husband/partner], to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part".
Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
I can tell you from experience, a bad atmosphere long term is far more damaging to children than a break up done in the right way. Your willing to destroy your boys lives cause your unhappy?
Edit to add, my late father told me he would have left decades ago if he hadn't had kids. Once you have kids you put them first and if your unhappy tough. Move in to the spare room.
Edited by A500leroy on Sunday 12th April 16:56
I can also tell you from experience, that staying with someone for the kids can end very badly, with her leaving anyway. Which brings out a hell of a lot of resentment and won't be a break up the right way.
If things have gone to pot , a clean quick break is best all round in most cases, a mutual decision is always the best solution. The Op can only do that by talking to his partner.
Another way of looking at it is would the injection of the amount of cash needed, to effect his plan, into the current relationship, would things improve?
You could get a holiday flat somewhere for the same increase in outlay.
If this is a new relationship prompting this then it’s a different matter.
You could get a holiday flat somewhere for the same increase in outlay.
If this is a new relationship prompting this then it’s a different matter.
It's also not always a case of splitting assets 50/50 and moving on.
My best friend is going through Hell at the moment. He and his wife are early 50s and she decided to file for divorce last year. Problem is they can't agree on who gets what and it's caused so much animosity that they now only speak through solicitors, despite still living in the same house. The situation is very toxic. She wants the shirt off his back and he is having to fight tooth and nail at great financial cost. Their kids are a bit older, 16 and 20 and the oldest is studying at Uni. But it's still obviously very difficult for them.
If the two of you still get along fine i would probably consider waiting until the kids are older and making some kind of plan together if you both feel the same way. All marriages go through rough patches. I'm on my second and we have a 10 year old child. Things like intimacy are different to when we first met but it's mostly because we are both knackered and making time for the two of us is hard. And you have two kids to worry about so it must be worse.
My best friend is going through Hell at the moment. He and his wife are early 50s and she decided to file for divorce last year. Problem is they can't agree on who gets what and it's caused so much animosity that they now only speak through solicitors, despite still living in the same house. The situation is very toxic. She wants the shirt off his back and he is having to fight tooth and nail at great financial cost. Their kids are a bit older, 16 and 20 and the oldest is studying at Uni. But it's still obviously very difficult for them.
If the two of you still get along fine i would probably consider waiting until the kids are older and making some kind of plan together if you both feel the same way. All marriages go through rough patches. I'm on my second and we have a 10 year old child. Things like intimacy are different to when we first met but it's mostly because we are both knackered and making time for the two of us is hard. And you have two kids to worry about so it must be worse.
You haven’t indicated if your partner is of the same conclusion, you also believe that couple therapy would not rescue the relationship. Couple therapy isn’t always about helping a couple to work on the issues, however, it can help couples to separate as amicably as possible and manage the sense of loss that will be attached to the ending of the relationship.
Hey Bigday,
You’ve had one or two judgmental and unsympathetic responses to this, so I feel I need to reply even though I have limited experience to add. I feel for you and the situation you’re in, and hope you find a resolution that works for you. My own experience leads me to advocate communicating with your partner and — when you think you’ve done communicating — communicating a lot more, but you’ve asked a specific question, so I hope we can focus on that.
You suggest two possibilities: keeping the house + renting, and selling the house. I get the sense you have already done the numbers on the first and found they didn’t work, which is why you feel trapped. If that’s the case, logically selling the house is the only one that remains. There are legal principles there — given your dependents — that, yes, would probably mean you retained less than half the equity. The constructive approach you seem to be taking means this is likely as well — if you’re able to reach agreement with your wife without going legal (as I did), and if you can both avoid a need to try to win, you may end up better off. Human nature makes us all loss-averse, and that can lead to behaviours that are not constructive.
I wish you well and hope you find a way forwards.
TH
You’ve had one or two judgmental and unsympathetic responses to this, so I feel I need to reply even though I have limited experience to add. I feel for you and the situation you’re in, and hope you find a resolution that works for you. My own experience leads me to advocate communicating with your partner and — when you think you’ve done communicating — communicating a lot more, but you’ve asked a specific question, so I hope we can focus on that.
You suggest two possibilities: keeping the house + renting, and selling the house. I get the sense you have already done the numbers on the first and found they didn’t work, which is why you feel trapped. If that’s the case, logically selling the house is the only one that remains. There are legal principles there — given your dependents — that, yes, would probably mean you retained less than half the equity. The constructive approach you seem to be taking means this is likely as well — if you’re able to reach agreement with your wife without going legal (as I did), and if you can both avoid a need to try to win, you may end up better off. Human nature makes us all loss-averse, and that can lead to behaviours that are not constructive.
I wish you well and hope you find a way forwards.
TH
NDA said:
There is another perspective - one where you might consider that children growing up in an unhappy home can be more toxic than splitting up.
Staying together 'for the kids' is not always the right decision.
How unhappy?Staying together 'for the kids' is not always the right decision.
I don't have kids, but have observed break ups in family.
Without exception, it has had a negative effect on the kids. People try to convince themselves that kids are resilient, but they are good at hiding their feelings until their one day it will manifest. Often in a destructive way. Hopefully it won't be bad enough to affect their future.
So many relationships go through rough patches. Parents are busy and it is easy enough to neglect each other when you are both tired.
I suggest that you have a discussion with your wife and perhaps, if you both agree, try some counselling first.
NDA said:
There is another perspective - one where you might consider that children growing up in an unhappy home can be more toxic than splitting up.
Staying together 'for the kids' is not always the right decision.
100%.Staying together 'for the kids' is not always the right decision.
Nothing worse than kids growing up thinking that being in “love” is no affection towards each other, awkward silences,separate rooms and lives, never being seen together and so on. The most important thing for and children stuck in the middle is to know they are unconditionally loved and to never hear one parent criticise the other.
Dreadful,judgemental self righteous b
ks from the poster you quoted.If there is no one else involved, can you throw some decent money at couples therapy?
Was there any spark at the outset or were you too young?
Marriage requires constant maintenance, you definitely get out what you put in.
If it is dead, can you bear to manage another few years living amicably for your boys sakes and then make the big move down the line? Not advocating suffering in silence but making meaningful plans while still being present.
One poster suggested a holiday rental purchase (?), if you could do this quite locally and get yourself some space there between stints at home, you might find the spark again or what you are looking for personally.
To an outsider, it doesn’t sound irreparable, just very stale to the point you feel it’s over, but those are 2 very different things.
If you have a couple of years and then can say to yourself “yep, I tried everything going to save this and I STILL feel the same”, then you are where you are.
But for everyone that does leave early, I reckon the regret and hindsight that things might be salvageable makes it worth trying everything in your power to revisit your marriage with fresh eyes and ask yourself those questions.
I’d also caution that you might burn the relationship and find the issues were in fact all yours. Maybe you are burned out and misinterpreting the signs as a stale relationship?
Research while you can from inside the relationship and again if it is over, you’ve lost nothing and will move forward with no regrets. If you do decide differently, you avoid possibly throwing away something that wasn’t the true cause of the malaise you seem to be feeling?
And I hope you find your peace, it must be miserable and lonely for you in this situation, do you have friends you can talk to?
Was there any spark at the outset or were you too young?
Marriage requires constant maintenance, you definitely get out what you put in.
If it is dead, can you bear to manage another few years living amicably for your boys sakes and then make the big move down the line? Not advocating suffering in silence but making meaningful plans while still being present.
One poster suggested a holiday rental purchase (?), if you could do this quite locally and get yourself some space there between stints at home, you might find the spark again or what you are looking for personally.
To an outsider, it doesn’t sound irreparable, just very stale to the point you feel it’s over, but those are 2 very different things.
If you have a couple of years and then can say to yourself “yep, I tried everything going to save this and I STILL feel the same”, then you are where you are.
But for everyone that does leave early, I reckon the regret and hindsight that things might be salvageable makes it worth trying everything in your power to revisit your marriage with fresh eyes and ask yourself those questions.
I’d also caution that you might burn the relationship and find the issues were in fact all yours. Maybe you are burned out and misinterpreting the signs as a stale relationship?
Research while you can from inside the relationship and again if it is over, you’ve lost nothing and will move forward with no regrets. If you do decide differently, you avoid possibly throwing away something that wasn’t the true cause of the malaise you seem to be feeling?
And I hope you find your peace, it must be miserable and lonely for you in this situation, do you have friends you can talk to?
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