Wedding politics advice needed.
Discussion
I don't normally make a habit of asking for strangers advice on a family matter but this time I need a little outside perspective.
I'm an only child to a single mum, both of us are at best apathetic towards religion, later this year I will be getting married to a lovely Irish Catholic girl over in Ireland.
All good so far, neither her nor her family are putting any pressure for me to convert and the ceremony will be as Catholic-lite as possible.
However, as always there is a spanner in the works.
My Mum has been seeing a guy for two years or so, I've yet to meet him due to living a distance away but my understanding is that he is a 'companion' rather than a 'love of her life' type guy. I know she was planning on inviting him to the wedding.
The dilemma I'm having is that my OH has brought up the fact that she may feel un-comfortable with him at the top table, both for her & myself having never met him, there are also other issues of him walking down my Mum down the aisle afterwards and several other protocols that have to be observed.
I for one am delighted that my Mum may finally of found someone, she has been on her own for far too long and really deserves someone in her life. I feel comfortable with having to say 'that's not my Dad when' asked etc.
Genuinely interested in the thought's of others on this, coming from a very small family it's very rare I have to deal with issues such as this.
I'm an only child to a single mum, both of us are at best apathetic towards religion, later this year I will be getting married to a lovely Irish Catholic girl over in Ireland.
All good so far, neither her nor her family are putting any pressure for me to convert and the ceremony will be as Catholic-lite as possible.
However, as always there is a spanner in the works.
My Mum has been seeing a guy for two years or so, I've yet to meet him due to living a distance away but my understanding is that he is a 'companion' rather than a 'love of her life' type guy. I know she was planning on inviting him to the wedding.
The dilemma I'm having is that my OH has brought up the fact that she may feel un-comfortable with him at the top table, both for her & myself having never met him, there are also other issues of him walking down my Mum down the aisle afterwards and several other protocols that have to be observed.
I for one am delighted that my Mum may finally of found someone, she has been on her own for far too long and really deserves someone in her life. I feel comfortable with having to say 'that's not my Dad when' asked etc.
Genuinely interested in the thought's of others on this, coming from a very small family it's very rare I have to deal with issues such as this.
What do YOU want? The OH has voiced her concern, and that's absolutely fine. Where do you sit with it? Would it upset your mum if you split them up, or even moved her from the top table?
Having been there myself, these things really shouldn't get in the way. Do what YOU (and your OH) want, not what is a) typical protocal or B) what anyone else wants. It might be tough, but people will respect you for it.
Having been there myself, these things really shouldn't get in the way. Do what YOU (and your OH) want, not what is a) typical protocal or B) what anyone else wants. It might be tough, but people will respect you for it.
elster said:
Say to your OH that if she does not want your mum's partner on the top table then may as well balance it out and not have her mum's partner at the top table.
Can you report back on what the result is please...
Given they are devout Catholics, I can see this being absolutely fine and not a problem at all.Can you report back on what the result is please...
OP, we have your solution
Marriage is about give and take.
As "lite" as it will be made it is still a catholic ceremony despite you being non-religious. You have given way on that. You could have insisted on a registry office do.
It's now her turn to back down. Your Mum has found someone who she likes enough to think about asking to her son's wedding. She/her family should be more accepting.
As "lite" as it will be made it is still a catholic ceremony despite you being non-religious. You have given way on that. You could have insisted on a registry office do.
It's now her turn to back down. Your Mum has found someone who she likes enough to think about asking to her son's wedding. She/her family should be more accepting.
Three thoughts come to mind
1. it's your day and you do what you as a couple feel is appropriate for you. If no one else is comfortable with it, then all they have to do is not turn up. Surely it is for you and your wife to to decide what goes.
2. No family is 'perfect' and you have to accept people as they are, whether that be weird uncle fester with the comb-over and the dayglo tan or your mothers' companion.
3. By not putting your mum and her companion on the top table, in some way are you saying that their relationship is not as 'worthy' (and I choose my word carefully here) of being there - that there is no parity in companionship?
I would be more concerned about putting your mum's views first than satisfying the needs of a religious protocol. Now whether that might cause familial issue in the future is something to consider, but the bond you have with your mother is clearly a strong one (hence your question in the first place) and is as strong or even stronger than that between her family and the Church of Rome. They may not see it that way, but it's your day and your family to.
YOu don't have to turn it into a bun fight, but perhaps the best way forward is to put forward the continual message that it is a 'given' that he will come. Let them raise the issue first and deal with it accordingly. Weddings are meant to be inclusive and include those members that you want to be there. Play it that way.
1. it's your day and you do what you as a couple feel is appropriate for you. If no one else is comfortable with it, then all they have to do is not turn up. Surely it is for you and your wife to to decide what goes.
2. No family is 'perfect' and you have to accept people as they are, whether that be weird uncle fester with the comb-over and the dayglo tan or your mothers' companion.
3. By not putting your mum and her companion on the top table, in some way are you saying that their relationship is not as 'worthy' (and I choose my word carefully here) of being there - that there is no parity in companionship?
I would be more concerned about putting your mum's views first than satisfying the needs of a religious protocol. Now whether that might cause familial issue in the future is something to consider, but the bond you have with your mother is clearly a strong one (hence your question in the first place) and is as strong or even stronger than that between her family and the Church of Rome. They may not see it that way, but it's your day and your family to.
YOu don't have to turn it into a bun fight, but perhaps the best way forward is to put forward the continual message that it is a 'given' that he will come. Let them raise the issue first and deal with it accordingly. Weddings are meant to be inclusive and include those members that you want to be there. Play it that way.
drivin_me_nuts said:
Good Stuff
My stance at the moment is that if my Mum is happy then I'm happy, as has been pointed out I've 'given' on the whole Catholic thing to a degree.I really need to chat to Mum about this as I don't think she has considered what inviting him may mean/represent.
I certainly don't want to stipulate to her what she has to do though!
As a serious post I think it would be a little unfair for your mum to be sat on the top table on her own. If the others know other people and can chat between everyone then it leaves her sat on her own with her partner who is sat the other side of the room also sat on his own surrounded by people he doesn't know.
I doubt your OH will even notice who is on the top table on the day.
I doubt your OH will even notice who is on the top table on the day.
raf_gti said:
him walking down my Mum down the aisle afterwards and several other protocols that have to be observed.
I for one am delighted that my Mum may finally of found someone, she has been on her own for far too long and really deserves someone in her life. I feel comfortable with having to say 'that's not my Dad when' asked etc.
C of E myself but surely after the signing of the Marriage Register the Bride's mother accompanies the Groom's father out of the Church, and vice versa? He doesn't have to attend the signing if you don't want it.I for one am delighted that my Mum may finally of found someone, she has been on her own for far too long and really deserves someone in her life. I feel comfortable with having to say 'that's not my Dad when' asked etc.
Perhaps you should both make an effort to meet him.
Dogwatch said:
C of E myself but surely after the signing of the Marriage Register the Bride's mother accompanies the Groom's father out of the Church, and vice versa? He doesn't have to attend the signing if you don't want it.
Perhaps you should both make an effort to meet him.
I shall certainly be trying to meet him, unfortunately my Mum lives almost 400 miles away, he works away so arranging to meet is problematic at best!Perhaps you should both make an effort to meet him.
All along I was delighted for my Mum to bring him, no issue with that at all but that was before I'd considered top tables, walking down the aisle afterwards, register signing and 'awkward questions from relatives'.
Very quickly an almost non-issue becomes something far greater
My gut instinct is to look after my Mum as any hurtful choice is likely to hurt and affect her a lot more than my OH.
raf_gti said:
All along I was delighted for my Mum to bring him, no issue with that at all but that was before I'd considered top tables, walking down the aisle afterwards, register signing and 'awkward questions from relatives'.
Very quickly an almost non-issue becomes something far greater
My gut instinct is to look after my Mum as any hurtful choice is likely to hurt and affect her a lot more than my OH.
It is a non issue, one is being created, where it doesn't need to be, the only thing people will notice on the day are the Bride and Groom, not who walked with who when or where!Very quickly an almost non-issue becomes something far greater
My gut instinct is to look after my Mum as any hurtful choice is likely to hurt and affect her a lot more than my OH.
I think your OH is being more than a little unfair; ask her to put herself in your Mum's position, at the wedding of her son when she knows no-one else but her son & her partner, and is forced to sit away from one of them to please the new Wife's family. Or in your position, where you are asking her Mum to sit on her own.
Point out just how big a pot of resentment that is going to create in the relationship of the newly married couple (because it will come up in arguements) and when there are children involved & they need something from her - why should she help when the wife made her sit on her own due to 'religion'?
Get her to look at the bigger picture & wake-up or re-consider who you are marrying, any girl that doesn't respect your Mum when you so clearly do, isn't necessarily the right one for you.
ETA - sorry, just read that back & I'm being a little harsh myself - sorry, There is a clear lack of consideration for your Mum's feelings being shown here, and that angers me If your Mum were single, would there be an issue if another member of the family escorted her? No? Then why should this be?
Has your Fiance met your Mum? Do they get on? Could there be other issues underlying to this? Have your Mum & your Fiance's Parents met?
I know distance is an issue, but making the effort & getting everyone to meet could go a long way to nipping this in the bud...
Point out just how big a pot of resentment that is going to create in the relationship of the newly married couple (because it will come up in arguements) and when there are children involved & they need something from her - why should she help when the wife made her sit on her own due to 'religion'?
Get her to look at the bigger picture & wake-up or re-consider who you are marrying, any girl that doesn't respect your Mum when you so clearly do, isn't necessarily the right one for you.
ETA - sorry, just read that back & I'm being a little harsh myself - sorry, There is a clear lack of consideration for your Mum's feelings being shown here, and that angers me
If your Mum were single, would there be an issue if another member of the family escorted her? No? Then why should this be? Has your Fiance met your Mum? Do they get on? Could there be other issues underlying to this? Have your Mum & your Fiance's Parents met?
I know distance is an issue, but making the effort & getting everyone to meet could go a long way to nipping this in the bud...
Edited by ali_kat on Sunday 19th June 13:14
king hate weddings due to their ability to cause complete non issues to become massive problems and the sheer f
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff