Partner secretly meeting ex husband - what to do?
Discussion
Right, firstly apologies for yet another relationship in trouble thread.
Into the crux of the matter - my partner and I have been together about six years, and have two beautiful daughters who are the light of my life. We have been having problems lately, and things are pretty rocky. I have found out this week that she has been meeting her ex husband in secret (who still holds a torch for her), and lieing about her movements. I know this as a work colleague recognised her car and saw the meeting taking place.
Initial reaction is to go ballistic, but am trying to look at the bigger picture. If I go down is route, it will likely be separation and being a 'weekend dad' to my daughters which scares me to be honest.
So the options appear to be ignore it and see what happens, speak rationally and not go ballistic to try and discuss (but likely get drawn into being hurt / angry and end up going ballistic), or accept things are over and try to look forward towards a different future?
I am prepared for all the 'snake with tits', or 'man the f
k up' comments that will no doubt come - but hope there may be the odd snippet of impartial advice that may help me see through the current fog.
Into the crux of the matter - my partner and I have been together about six years, and have two beautiful daughters who are the light of my life. We have been having problems lately, and things are pretty rocky. I have found out this week that she has been meeting her ex husband in secret (who still holds a torch for her), and lieing about her movements. I know this as a work colleague recognised her car and saw the meeting taking place.
Initial reaction is to go ballistic, but am trying to look at the bigger picture. If I go down is route, it will likely be separation and being a 'weekend dad' to my daughters which scares me to be honest.
So the options appear to be ignore it and see what happens, speak rationally and not go ballistic to try and discuss (but likely get drawn into being hurt / angry and end up going ballistic), or accept things are over and try to look forward towards a different future?
I am prepared for all the 'snake with tits', or 'man the f
k up' comments that will no doubt come - but hope there may be the odd snippet of impartial advice that may help me see through the current fog.Sorry to hear this - hope things can sort themselves out.
I can't really give any advice, but I wouldn't shout & scream yet as it will give her the excuse to head for him (maybe with kids in tow).
Maybe the way to approach is to find some "quiet time" and mention that "X saw your car at Y's when you said you were at Z - is there anything I should know?".
Be prepared for it all to be your fault though
I can't really give any advice, but I wouldn't shout & scream yet as it will give her the excuse to head for him (maybe with kids in tow).
Maybe the way to approach is to find some "quiet time" and mention that "X saw your car at Y's when you said you were at Z - is there anything I should know?".
Be prepared for it all to be your fault though
I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time, been through something similar a long time ago and I know how it feels.
Do you know why you & her are having difficulties?
I think that's what you two should be talking about. The ex is probably just someone she can talk to, not the cause of your problems.
Don't leave it too long though, it sounds like you need to deal with it sooner rather than later. Best of luck!
Do you know why you & her are having difficulties?
I think that's what you two should be talking about. The ex is probably just someone she can talk to, not the cause of your problems.
Don't leave it too long though, it sounds like you need to deal with it sooner rather than later. Best of luck!
Sorry to hear about your situation mate.
Sounds like it's on the way to being over if it's not already. BUT rather than go mental (which will definitely be the end to things) see if you can talk to her and find out what's wrong and whether things are salvageable.
The thing not to do is to leave it and carry on as normal. You'll get hurt worse that way. Get everything out in the open and try to keep your cool. Women are mental, that's a fact. If you can keep things amicable, even if you break up, then it will mean that keeping in contact with your daughters will be much easier. So if you do end up separating, then keep things amicable and DON'T blow up. That would cause an atmosphere which would be impossible to shift and make things tricky forever more.
Hope you manage to work things out. But be cool about it. Get away and calm down if you need to. Seriously, it won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Sounds like it's on the way to being over if it's not already. BUT rather than go mental (which will definitely be the end to things) see if you can talk to her and find out what's wrong and whether things are salvageable.
The thing not to do is to leave it and carry on as normal. You'll get hurt worse that way. Get everything out in the open and try to keep your cool. Women are mental, that's a fact. If you can keep things amicable, even if you break up, then it will mean that keeping in contact with your daughters will be much easier. So if you do end up separating, then keep things amicable and DON'T blow up. That would cause an atmosphere which would be impossible to shift and make things tricky forever more.
Hope you manage to work things out. But be cool about it. Get away and calm down if you need to. Seriously, it won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Strachan said:
As you have said, approach the situation rationally and hope for a rational response.
This first. It may be as simple as she trusts his opinion and he is telling her to stick at it (with you). Failing that, frankly I always rate short term pain for long term gain... so if it isn't going to work move on. However I hope it doesn't come to that.
Good luck!
It's entirely possible that she just needs a shoulder to lean on outside of the relationship, knows he cares for her and will be sympathetic (OK he'll have a motivation sure, but that doesn't mean she's doing anything untoward).
She coudl just be using him as an emotional crutch in a time of difficulty and he's probably the one person who can offer her insight into what she might be doing wrong as after all they are exes for a reason and she may be trying to prevent that happening with you.
The lying about her movements doesn't in and of itself mean they're having an affair, she knows you'd be hurt by the knowledge she's leaning on him for support rather than you but needs to do so to get things straight in her head before you and her have a big sit down and talk things out.
Don't wreck it by jumping to the worst conclusion automatically. Some people remain on friendly terms with one, some or all of their exes - the ones that parted on less than completely acrimonious terms but just realised they were better off as good friends to each other rather than lovers.
Or a problem in your relationship is her "fault" and knows her girlfriends will not spare her that and tell it how it is, but he will always take her side however she casts herself in the telling.
I would just sit her down and ask her. Tell her that you know you're having a difficult time in your relationship, you love her and your daughters and it upset you to hear via a work colleague that she was seen meeting her ex without her mentioning it and that you have an issue with that and go from there, rather than fly in with an unsubstantiated assumption/accusation. That's only going to lead to a row and animosity, whether it's the case or not (she'll be more hurt by the accusation if it's not true and you think that low of her).
Good luck with resolving it OP and chin up.
She coudl just be using him as an emotional crutch in a time of difficulty and he's probably the one person who can offer her insight into what she might be doing wrong as after all they are exes for a reason and she may be trying to prevent that happening with you.
The lying about her movements doesn't in and of itself mean they're having an affair, she knows you'd be hurt by the knowledge she's leaning on him for support rather than you but needs to do so to get things straight in her head before you and her have a big sit down and talk things out.
Don't wreck it by jumping to the worst conclusion automatically. Some people remain on friendly terms with one, some or all of their exes - the ones that parted on less than completely acrimonious terms but just realised they were better off as good friends to each other rather than lovers.
Or a problem in your relationship is her "fault" and knows her girlfriends will not spare her that and tell it how it is, but he will always take her side however she casts herself in the telling.
I would just sit her down and ask her. Tell her that you know you're having a difficult time in your relationship, you love her and your daughters and it upset you to hear via a work colleague that she was seen meeting her ex without her mentioning it and that you have an issue with that and go from there, rather than fly in with an unsubstantiated assumption/accusation. That's only going to lead to a row and animosity, whether it's the case or not (she'll be more hurt by the accusation if it's not true and you think that low of her).
Good luck with resolving it OP and chin up.
Zwoelf said:
It's entirely possible that she just needs a shoulder to lean on outside of the relationship, knows he cares for her and will be sympathetic (OK he'll have a motivation sure, but that doesn't mean she's doing anything untoward).
She coudl just be using him as an emotional crutch in a time of difficulty and he's probably the one person who can offer her insight into what she might be doing wrong as after all they are exes for a reason and she may be trying to prevent that happening with you.
The lying about her movements doesn't in and of itself mean they're having an affair, she knows you'd be hurt by the knowledge she's leaning on him for support rather than you but needs to do so to get things straight in her head before you and her have a big sit down and talk things out.
Don't wreck it by jumping to the worst conclusion automatically. Some people remain on friendly terms with one, some or all of their exes - the ones that parted on less than completely acrimonious terms but just realised they were better off as good friends to each other rather than lovers.
Or a problem in your relationship is her "fault" and knows her girlfriends will not spare her that and tell it how it is, but he will always take her side however she casts herself in the telling.
I would just sit her down and ask her. Tell her that you know you're having a difficult time in your relationship, you love her and your daughters and it upset you to hear via a work colleague that she was seen meeting her ex without her mentioning it and that you have an issue with that and go from there, rather than fly in with an unsubstantiated assumption/accusation. That's only going to lead to a row and animosity, whether it's the case or not (she'll be more hurt by the accusation if it's not true and you think that low of her).
Good luck with resolving it OP and chin up.
Complete bShe coudl just be using him as an emotional crutch in a time of difficulty and he's probably the one person who can offer her insight into what she might be doing wrong as after all they are exes for a reason and she may be trying to prevent that happening with you.
The lying about her movements doesn't in and of itself mean they're having an affair, she knows you'd be hurt by the knowledge she's leaning on him for support rather than you but needs to do so to get things straight in her head before you and her have a big sit down and talk things out.
Don't wreck it by jumping to the worst conclusion automatically. Some people remain on friendly terms with one, some or all of their exes - the ones that parted on less than completely acrimonious terms but just realised they were better off as good friends to each other rather than lovers.
Or a problem in your relationship is her "fault" and knows her girlfriends will not spare her that and tell it how it is, but he will always take her side however she casts herself in the telling.
I would just sit her down and ask her. Tell her that you know you're having a difficult time in your relationship, you love her and your daughters and it upset you to hear via a work colleague that she was seen meeting her ex without her mentioning it and that you have an issue with that and go from there, rather than fly in with an unsubstantiated assumption/accusation. That's only going to lead to a row and animosity, whether it's the case or not (she'll be more hurt by the accusation if it's not true and you think that low of her).
Good luck with resolving it OP and chin up.
ks, frankly.The woman is keeping secrets from you. The "reasons" are completely irrelevant.
Many thanks all for the surprisingly coherent (for a Friday night!) comments. I am both surprised and gratified to have received so many responses so quickly - so thanks to all.
I am trying to not jump into the deep end, but it's not easy. I understand the possible 'emotional support' angle, but know she hasn't seen him since they split about six months before we got together. So to my mind this is a bit more serious as she has previously declined his requests to meet and 'catch up'.
The reasons for our 'difficulties' lie predominately at my door unfortunately, due to work / life balance getting out of kilter. The MD at work was unfortunately diagnosed with a terminal illness earlier this year, and has in essence removed himself from the business - this has unfortunately placed a massive pressure on me, which I have struggled with. Young children and school fees are a current concern, so I have tried to rise to the challenge to ensure the business continues and I am able to continue providing for my family in the best way possible. With hind sight this may have been wrong option, but I believed it was for tthe best.
I will try and take the measured approach and discuss where we are, how we proceed and try not to go nuclear in assuming she's having an affair but it won't be easy. Thanks again for the comments.
I am trying to not jump into the deep end, but it's not easy. I understand the possible 'emotional support' angle, but know she hasn't seen him since they split about six months before we got together. So to my mind this is a bit more serious as she has previously declined his requests to meet and 'catch up'.
The reasons for our 'difficulties' lie predominately at my door unfortunately, due to work / life balance getting out of kilter. The MD at work was unfortunately diagnosed with a terminal illness earlier this year, and has in essence removed himself from the business - this has unfortunately placed a massive pressure on me, which I have struggled with. Young children and school fees are a current concern, so I have tried to rise to the challenge to ensure the business continues and I am able to continue providing for my family in the best way possible. With hind sight this may have been wrong option, but I believed it was for tthe best.
I will try and take the measured approach and discuss where we are, how we proceed and try not to go nuclear in assuming she's having an affair but it won't be easy. Thanks again for the comments.
OP, does she have any other close friends she would talk to?
If she has then they won't say anything, so don't ask them unless they're close joint friends, but if does beg the question, if she does, why does she need to turn to her ex for emotional support?
How long were her and him together before you hooked up?
Hate to say it, but if she's meeting up with him then I'd say they're probably doing 'something'
Signs tend to be, less sex, she's quieter, making excuses to go out more, getting a little more dressed up, acting on edge when she gets back, more secretive or vague in details.
Of course none of that could mean an affair, but she's up to something and guilty people act guilty.
If something bad is going on, keep cool.
Talk it out or kill her quietly.
Good luck and keep us informed. I'd be interested to see how this plays out.
If she has then they won't say anything, so don't ask them unless they're close joint friends, but if does beg the question, if she does, why does she need to turn to her ex for emotional support?
How long were her and him together before you hooked up?
Hate to say it, but if she's meeting up with him then I'd say they're probably doing 'something'
Signs tend to be, less sex, she's quieter, making excuses to go out more, getting a little more dressed up, acting on edge when she gets back, more secretive or vague in details.
Of course none of that could mean an affair, but she's up to something and guilty people act guilty.
If something bad is going on, keep cool.
Talk it out or kill her quietly.
Good luck and keep us informed. I'd be interested to see how this plays out.
NiceCupOfTea said:
Sorry to hear this - hope things can sort themselves out.
I can't really give any advice, but I wouldn't shout & scream yet as it will give her the excuse to head for him (maybe with kids in tow).
Maybe the way to approach is to find some "quiet time" and mention that "X saw your car at Y's when you said you were at Z - is there anything I should know?".
Be prepared for it all to be your fault though
This.I can't really give any advice, but I wouldn't shout & scream yet as it will give her the excuse to head for him (maybe with kids in tow).
Maybe the way to approach is to find some "quiet time" and mention that "X saw your car at Y's when you said you were at Z - is there anything I should know?".
Be prepared for it all to be your fault though
However, don't drop your friend/colleague in it (unless they say it's ok to, after asking them). Just tell her that you know she was seeing him at (Insert Place).
If she still denies it, it's over.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt here, she may be seeking advice from someone who knows her. As you say you've been having trouble lately.
jjones said:
robsti said:
Do not let on that you know anything and start moving money and anything of value before she does!
thiseven if you can patch things up best to be prepared for the worst.
and speak with close friends, listen to their opinion
Also, if you do want the children, or to secure more access to them, you need to evidence that she is in the wrong/cause of the break up if it happens - can't see how it won't given what you say and so many others report; this 'thinking she'd come round/things were fixed' routine was so much a part of my wife's attitude and plotting, though your partner may not be so devious and strategic as mine proved to be - so she can't limit your rights by claiming you were a cad etc. So, stay reasonable/careful and let her do the dirty - evidence it!
A good, independent solicitor is worth its weight in ... should s
t finally hit fan.Good luck.
-Pete- said:
(snip other relevant points/)The ex is probably just someone she can talk to, not the cause of your problems.
Don't leave it too long though, it sounds like you need to deal with it sooner rather than later. Best of luck!
Exactly. This.Don't leave it too long though, it sounds like you need to deal with it sooner rather than later. Best of luck!
Findng a trusted confidant /sounding-board for stuff one needs to work through is hard; it may be no more than your wife entrusting someone she once confided in perhaps about similar matters / limiting whom she chooses to talk with, though for obvious reasons may be reticent about it.* And I wish you the best, as above.
[- And no that isn't so weird. I'm a guy with an ex who has remained / again-become one of my very closest friends - simply because we understand each other so well. *And yes, we have both made this clear to others in each of our lives since, which remains fine on both sides.
(and yes, 'understanding' is as far as it goes before the PH Massive draws inferences!)]
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