Divorce - What should I expect?

[nosubstitute]

I have been separated for 3 months with a view to getting divorced. I have two young children and I do not want to get divorced and would rather try and 'work things through' but my wife is adamant divorce is the only option available. Things are amicable at the moment and will hopefully stay that way.

I am now resigned to the fact that despite still loving my wife dearly we are going to split.

What should I do now in terms of the legal process. We are both still living in the same house?

[davepoth]

You should have started a while ago, but make sure you siphon off as much money as you possibly can - you'll need it.

[Wills2]

Get a lawyer and protect yourself, it might be amicable now but these things have a habit of turning nasty.

Good luck.

[U T]

If you think your wife is reasonable and you can work things out amicably between you, try and do that. Both getting lawyers with mean you split it equally, 25% for each of you and the same to each lawyer!!

[K50 DEL]

Seriously, listen to the advice above.. it doesn't matter how amicable you think it is, she will try and screw you, egged on by her lawyer and all of her friends.

All you can do is protect yourself.

Most important though... your kids.

They must come first in everything that happens, it's not their fault that you're splitting and they don't deserve to suffer because of it.

I've been on the outside of watching my god-daughter's parents go through a very messy divorce for a number of years now, and the way the kids have suffered is what upsets me more than anything.

[daemon]

nosubstitute said:

I have been separated for 3 months with a view to getting divorced. I have two young children and I do not want to get divorced and would rather try and 'work things through' but my wife is adamant divorce is the only option available. Things are amicable at the moment and will hopefully stay that way.

I am now resigned to the fact that despite still loving my wife dearly we are going to split.

What should I do now in terms of the legal process. We are both still living in the same house?

I dont mean to be Mr Paranoid here, but i'd be wondering why shes so adamant that she wants a divorce so soon and is ruling out working things through.

Also, you say shes being amicable?

Is she hiding something?

[falkster]

Things may be ok now but it will get messy as soon as she realises she can't afford to live the way she lived before so you're going to pay for it.
My brother has gone through the same. It's always the way, women keep the house and husband gets reemed!!

[Steffan]

I think this depends on your relationship with your wife soon to be ex wife.

I have been married a number of times and divorced a number of times. My experiences have always been of amicable ( in the sense that we both wanted out) divorces.

None of my Ex wives have tried to grab cash, properties, assets of anything else. We have agreed settlements and neither of us has lost out in the division.

I have also dealt with some dreadful divorce cases professionally in financial settlements approved by the Courts (I am an Accountant)and I realise that I have been unusually lucky with my Ex wives. The level of deceit and invective in some of these by both sides has been horrendous. So clearly the warnings on this Forum are genuine if they apply to your case.

I still see my ex wives regularly: we still meet up for meals etc but there is no other relationship between us.

So my experience is it depends on the person your exwife really is.

Good luck with the result

[daemon]

falkster said:

Things may be ok now but it will get messy as soon as she realises she can't afford to live the way she lived before so you're going to pay for it.
My brother has gone through the same. It's always the way, women keep the house and husband gets reemed!!

Not true. My ex-wife was initially sitting cosy in our four bed detached house whilst i lived in a damp cold rented terraced house, and i was paying her £900 a month.

Spoke to my solicitor, he sent her a letter saying i couldnt afford to pay the payments, she had to sell the house, i got half the equity and my payments went down to £400 a month.

In the divorce, the agreement was that my son stayed with me three nights a week, thus the monthly maintenance was reduced by 3/7ths.

[dowahdiddyman]

Go out and buy a crash helmet and a rubber suit, you`ll need it for all the flak and crap that is coming your way. Things are very rarely amicable in a divorce. When my first marriage went belly up the stupid cow even tried to claim a bloody quid for a pack of cards, and we were supposedly amicable.

[falkster]

daemon said:

Not true. My ex-wife was initially sitting cosy in our four bed detached house whilst i lived in a damp cold rented terraced house, and i was paying her £900 a month.

Spoke to my solicitor, he sent her a letter saying i couldnt afford to pay the payments, she had to sell the house, i got half the equity and my payments went down to £400 a month.

In the divorce, the agreement was that my son stayed with me three nights a week, thus the monthly maintenance was reduced by 3/7ths.

So you've been extremely lucky then. I've got countless friends and my brother, who's gone through it twice, and all been taken to the cleaners.
If you can get joint custody then that's a great step in the right direction as you won't have to provide a house for your child and, by default, your ex to live in.

[nosubstitute]

Thanks for all the advice. She has met another bloke now and is dating him so it's all over now.

You think you know it all but of course you don't....I so hope things stay amicable but I am worried they won't and want to know what others have experienced 'just in case' so I have some kind of heads up.

[Steffan]

nosubstitute said:

Thanks for all the advice. She has met another bloke now and is dating him so it's all over now.

You think you know it all but of course you don't....I so hope things stay amicable but I am worried they won't and want to know what others have experienced 'just in case' so I have some kind of heads up.

I would concentrate on your own life. If this had to happen, which it probably did, the challenge it presents could enable you to find a much better long term partner.

I have had several marriages and the choice of my new partner has reflected those experiences. I am a very difficult man to live with. I have made changes over time to my attitude and approach and this has paid dividends both for me, because I am less of a pig (but still a pig) and my partner.

You are much better prepared for living with a woman once you have experienced the trauma any live in relationship entails.

A positive attitude and looking forward goes a long way to countering feelings of failure. This is not a failure its an opportunity.

You know and understand a lot more about women and their needs now. Capitalise on it. Go for it. Enjoy yourself.

Edited by Steffan on Saturday 5th November 21:29

[eldar]

nosubstitute said:

Thanks for all the advice. She has met another bloke now and is dating him so it's all over now.

You think you know it all but of course you don't....I so hope things stay amicable but I am worried they won't and want to know what others have experienced 'just in case' so I have some kind of heads up.

My advice would be put the kids first, the pair of you. It's hard not to apportion blame, there will be resentment there or just under the surface. The kids should, though mitigate that.

Don't rush, think about responses, and keep things as civilised as possible with the ex. Particularly when it comes to lawyers. It hurts, but you must be resilient.

[Steffan]

Worth remembering the age old adage:

It is not the problems that count its the way you face the problems.

Trite but true.

Hence my use of challenges and opportunities rather than problems and difficulties.

Its how you face the situation that has the greatest effect on the outcome.

[66comanche]

Out of interest, I see a few people in these type of threads advising to siphon off money and such. Assuming said money is visible, ie in the blokes name, how is this done? Lets say there is £1m sat in a savings account, how could it be moved and not be discovered during the divorce process. Would it make a difference if it was offshore?

[daemon]

falkster said:

daemon said:

Not true. My ex-wife was initially sitting cosy in our four bed detached house whilst i lived in a damp cold rented terraced house, and i was paying her £900 a month.

Spoke to my solicitor, he sent her a letter saying i couldnt afford to pay the payments, she had to sell the house, i got half the equity and my payments went down to £400 a month.

In the divorce, the agreement was that my son stayed with me three nights a week, thus the monthly maintenance was reduced by 3/7ths.

So you've been extremely lucky then. I've got countless friends and my brother, who's gone through it twice, and all been taken to the cleaners.
If you can get joint custody then that's a great step in the right direction as you won't have to provide a house for your child and, by default, your ex to live in.

Maybe, but likewise your 'the woman always gets all' comment is wrong.

There should be no reason for the bloke to be screwed over heavily, providing they have a decent solicitor.

You dont *have* to provide a house for your child to live in. All it means is you cant 'force' the mother out if she has young children - and it doesnt mean you no longer own the house either - you are just deferring the point when she *has* to sell it. It doesnt mean you have to pay for the house AND maintenance to her AND child maintenance.

I think a lot of blokes feel guilty and try to be all noble and 'do the right thing'.

The right thing for me was to ensure i got to see my son three nights a week - which by the way, the mother has no right to withhold from the absent parent.

My son now lives full time with me and my new wife - eventually my previous wife stopped festering and found a new husband too.

Edited by daemon on Saturday 5th November 21:54

Edited by daemon on Saturday 5th November 21:57

[daemon]

nosubstitute said:

Thanks for all the advice. She has met another bloke now and is dating him so it's all over now.

You think you know it all but of course you don't....I so hope things stay amicable but I am worried they won't and want to know what others have experienced 'just in case' so I have some kind of heads up.

Trust me on this - she met the bloke BEFORE you and her split up, shes conveniently introduced him quickly and is being amicable as it suits her. No one gets over a separation with two young kids AND meets someone else AND has progressed enough to make the ex aware (and no doubt introduced him to the kids too) without it being pre planned.

Get a decent solicitor, and take what you can - or you're going to be seriously mugged come the divorce agreement and new bloke and her will be laughing.

Edited by daemon on Saturday 5th November 21:56

[Justayellowbadge]

Sorry to hear it. It will be properly st, but it will get better with time.

[The_Burg]

An empty bank account and a sore ass. Your fooked.

HTH