Hoarder syndrome?
Discussion
Sorry if this is in the wrong section but I would really appreciate some input...
I've never though much about this but recently thanks to Olympics things have been getting slightly out of hand!
This is regarding my missus. We've been together for about 10 years now and I have to say she is an amazing housewife. However, she does like to shop for bargains and would buy plenty whenever there's any. Most of them are in the form of toys or books for our children but sometimes she would buy bargain/discounted stuff like some exercise machine and end up never using it again after once...
Started out alright but since our house is not large stuff have been piling up everywhere. All she does is either stuff them under the sofa or any free space she can find. I try to tidy up as much as I can and try to tell her in a nice way not to buy stuff we don't need no matter how cheap it is but she doesn't seem to listen.
I hate to come back to a house where I have to tip toe around like a minefield. I was understanding when our children were very young but now the eldest being 8 things have not improved but is getting worse! The children seems to be taking after my wife and they don't understand the concept of tidying up at home! I've tried getting them to tidy up but to no avail since according to them mummy doesn't care why should they.
Is there anything I can do? The only time the missus would tidy up is when the inlaws or any friends plan to come around. She doesn't seem to care any other day of the week!
It took me a while to even type this as the keyboard on our shared PC desk is covered with all her stuff.
I've never though much about this but recently thanks to Olympics things have been getting slightly out of hand!
This is regarding my missus. We've been together for about 10 years now and I have to say she is an amazing housewife. However, she does like to shop for bargains and would buy plenty whenever there's any. Most of them are in the form of toys or books for our children but sometimes she would buy bargain/discounted stuff like some exercise machine and end up never using it again after once...
Started out alright but since our house is not large stuff have been piling up everywhere. All she does is either stuff them under the sofa or any free space she can find. I try to tidy up as much as I can and try to tell her in a nice way not to buy stuff we don't need no matter how cheap it is but she doesn't seem to listen.
I hate to come back to a house where I have to tip toe around like a minefield. I was understanding when our children were very young but now the eldest being 8 things have not improved but is getting worse! The children seems to be taking after my wife and they don't understand the concept of tidying up at home! I've tried getting them to tidy up but to no avail since according to them mummy doesn't care why should they.
Is there anything I can do? The only time the missus would tidy up is when the inlaws or any friends plan to come around. She doesn't seem to care any other day of the week!
It took me a while to even type this as the keyboard on our shared PC desk is covered with all her stuff.Edited by crazy about cars on Friday 3rd August 13:03
Spends money without thinking + doesnt tidy up = amazing housewife? want to explain that one?
anyway, i think you need to sit her down and talk to her and really make it clear that this is a problem, then suggest some type of compromise, give her a budget for free spending, but require all the s
t to be tidied up, everything not tidied up gets thrown out, that sort of thing.
anyway, i think you need to sit her down and talk to her and really make it clear that this is a problem, then suggest some type of compromise, give her a budget for free spending, but require all the s
t to be tidied up, everything not tidied up gets thrown out, that sort of thing.
You need a skip and a jerry can.
Have the skip delivered on a saturday and spend the day going through the house room by room, emptying everything superfluous and then burn the st out of it.
It may be a little over the top but it would certainly put the message across.
eta: The above, and take her card away. That'll learn her.
Have the skip delivered on a saturday and spend the day going through the house room by room, emptying everything superfluous and then burn the s
t out of it.It may be a little over the top but it would certainly put the message across.
eta: The above, and take her card away. That'll learn her.
Take some control. Seriously.
Get a skip and anything that not been used for than 6 months throw away. The space in your house is more valuable than piles of these "bargains".
If option one is a step too far, threaten to do it unless she stops buying more stuff, and starts selling it all. I mean seriously selling it, a minimum of 5-6 items on ebay at all times, and do a couple of boots sales a year.
But above all she has to stop buying more stuff, and you have put your foot down and make this happen.
In the long term, you need to have a household philosophy that for every item you bring into your house something else has to go. So you don't just accumulate toys for the kids(or anything else), you replace old ones with new ones.
Get a skip and anything that not been used for than 6 months throw away. The space in your house is more valuable than piles of these "bargains".
If option one is a step too far, threaten to do it unless she stops buying more stuff, and starts selling it all. I mean seriously selling it, a minimum of 5-6 items on ebay at all times, and do a couple of boots sales a year.
But above all she has to stop buying more stuff, and you have put your foot down and make this happen.
In the long term, you need to have a household philosophy that for every item you bring into your house something else has to go. So you don't just accumulate toys for the kids(or anything else), you replace old ones with new ones.
Vitorio said:
Spends money without thinking + doesnt tidy up = amazing housewife? want to explain that one?
anyway, i think you need to sit her down and talk to her and really make it clear that this is a problem, then suggest some type of compromise, give her a budget for free spending, but require all the st to be tidied up, everything not tidied up gets thrown out, that sort of thing.
She doesn't spend out of the budget but does spend the available funds on stuff she thinks will be useful. Countless times I've seen her so excited about a bargain but after few days just forgot about it. Seems like the kids are taking up after her.anyway, i think you need to sit her down and talk to her and really make it clear that this is a problem, then suggest some type of compromise, give her a budget for free spending, but require all the s
t to be tidied up, everything not tidied up gets thrown out, that sort of thing.I've tried talking to her and all the shizzle but she just won't listen. I tried the "don't tidy get thrown out" thing but she went berzerk and rallied all the kids against me. Telling them I am nasty for throwing their stuff out.
To tell the truth this kind of thing really gets me down but she just doesn't get it
It sounds like she doesn't realise she has a bit of a problem.
Without a typical PH response of MTFU I'd suggest explaining how much this is affecting your mental being. We may not realise it but a cluttered environment does impact on your state of mind. Which in turn will affect your relationship and the general family environment. I’d imagine that you’re pretty frustrated with her and this leads to tension. They’ll pick up on this.
Another rule is that if you haven't used something in 6-12 months you generally don't need it.
Without a typical PH response of MTFU I'd suggest explaining how much this is affecting your mental being. We may not realise it but a cluttered environment does impact on your state of mind. Which in turn will affect your relationship and the general family environment. I’d imagine that you’re pretty frustrated with her and this leads to tension. They’ll pick up on this.
Another rule is that if you haven't used something in 6-12 months you generally don't need it.
crazy about cars said:
The thing is some stuff are new (although rarely used) and I am not sure if it's ok to throw those out. Also, as I've said above, she'll go mental and gang up on me with kids if I do that!
Just not sure what else can I do....
Read that post back out loud to yourself. You will see what is wrong with this scenario.Just not sure what else can I do....
crazy about cars said:
I tried the "don't tidy get thrown out" thing but she went berzerk and rallied all the kids against me. Telling them I am nasty for throwing their stuff out.
You have got bigger issues then the house not being tidy, sounds like you have somer serious relationship issues which need to be sorted, or end up in divorce.While i can off course only applaud the jerry-can/skip suggestions, that kind of s
t will escalate this very rapidly into police being called and OP being locked up, getting divorced and losing custody of the kids.Birdster said:
It sounds like she doesn't realise she has a bit of a problem.
Without a typical PH response of MTFU I'd suggest explaining how much this is affecting your mental being. We may not realise it but a cluttered environment does impact on your state of mind. Which in turn will affect your relationship and the general family environment. I’d imagine that you’re pretty frustrated with her and this leads to tension. They’ll pick up on this.
Another rule is that if you haven't used something in 6-12 months you generally don't need it.
I tried telling her and she knows I am suffering from mild depression. She just doesn't understand and laughs when I told her clutter makes my condition worse! To be honest I am not sure myself if I can prove that but it really does bring me down especially after a stressful day at work.Without a typical PH response of MTFU I'd suggest explaining how much this is affecting your mental being. We may not realise it but a cluttered environment does impact on your state of mind. Which in turn will affect your relationship and the general family environment. I’d imagine that you’re pretty frustrated with her and this leads to tension. They’ll pick up on this.
Another rule is that if you haven't used something in 6-12 months you generally don't need it.
Vitorio said:
While i can off course only applaud the jerry-can/skip suggestions, that kind of st will escalate this very rapidly into police being called and OP being locked up, getting divorced and losing custody of the kids.
I wasn't entirely serious chap, just a point in the right direction t will escalate this very rapidly into police being called and OP being locked up, getting divorced and losing custody of the kids.
Vitorio said:
You have got bigger issues then the house not being tidy, sounds like you have somer serious relationship issues which need to be sorted, or end up in divorce.
While i can off course only applaud the jerry-can/skip suggestions, that kind of st will escalate this very rapidly into police being called and OP being locked up, getting divorced and losing custody of the kids.
Divorce is not an option. This is just not fair to the kids but I just want her to understand but not sure how to reach out to her. Everytime after a major "talk" she'll just be back to her ways after few days.While i can off course only applaud the jerry-can/skip suggestions, that kind of s
t will escalate this very rapidly into police being called and OP being locked up, getting divorced and losing custody of the kids.I think the best way is for us to go to a doctor as I am sure she'll believe what the doctor says. Is there anywhere I can approach for this? Not sure we need marriage counselling but rather some kind of medical counselling for her to understand her condition and also how it is affecting me mentally?
To be honest, I think throwing the stuff out/burning it etc will make things worse. The problem will still exist (compulsive hoarding) and she will now have a lot more stuff to fill. She will want to fill the space quickly to feel comfortable in her own home. This will lead, possibly, to spending beyond her means in order to fill the space in a short space of time.
My advice would be to seek professional help. She obviosuly has a problem and she needs/has to understand that before she can process the thought of parting with her useful (in her mind) posession.
Look at it this way. If you had the means of collecting cars, and filled as much space you had with your collection of cars, then your wife came and said "this lot is taking up too much space you need to throw them away" how would you feel? To her, the "bargains" are genuinely useful to her and she feels as though she needs to have them.
Don't be ignorant to the help she needs but midlessly burning all her stuff. Just get her to the help she needs.
My advice would be to seek professional help. She obviosuly has a problem and she needs/has to understand that before she can process the thought of parting with her useful (in her mind) posession.
Look at it this way. If you had the means of collecting cars, and filled as much space you had with your collection of cars, then your wife came and said "this lot is taking up too much space you need to throw them away" how would you feel? To her, the "bargains" are genuinely useful to her and she feels as though she needs to have them.
Don't be ignorant to the help she needs but midlessly burning all her stuff. Just get her to the help she needs.
- awaits "the ghey" comments*
I have a feeling this is a bad suggestion, but sometimes you need to fight fire with fire.
How about collecting old cars/car parts and then see how she likes it. I'm not sure on her personality, but some people need to be shown something that blatant to make them self reflect and realise that their own behaviour isn't on.
Not sure how you feel on this? I'd suggest doing this with free, cheap tat and say it's for your car in case it breaks down as the parts were a bargain. So this won't cost you much money and you'll only need to start (a few items) and maybe she'll see your point.
ETA: After reading that back to myself it will probably just spark a riot. Although reverse psychology could be effective.
How about collecting old cars/car parts and then see how she likes it. I'm not sure on her personality, but some people need to be shown something that blatant to make them self reflect and realise that their own behaviour isn't on.
Not sure how you feel on this? I'd suggest doing this with free, cheap tat and say it's for your car in case it breaks down as the parts were a bargain. So this won't cost you much money and you'll only need to start (a few items) and maybe she'll see your point.
ETA: After reading that back to myself it will probably just spark a riot. Although reverse psychology could be effective.
Edited by Birdster on Friday 3rd August 13:23
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