Living with an alcoholic...
Discussion
So, the missus has always had a bit of a weakness for alcohol (we're not actually married, but been living together for 7 years). It's not constant drinking, but when she has one pint (usually cider), it is generally the start of a bender. Once she's off, trying to stop her is like trying to stop a freight train, everything else goes out the window except the source of the next drink. It usually ends with her getting so drunk she can barely stand/talk etc, and bearing in mind she is on anti depressants too, she often gets very down when she's wrecked, occasionally leading to self harming, occasional overdose and the like. Another worry is that she rarely has enough money on her for more than a couple of drinks, yet she 'charms' friends and strangers alike into buying her drinks, which I feel leaves her a bit vulnerable as it's always blokes who might start to get the wrong impression.
But she can go for two to three weeks without going on a bender, and they are usually quite mild, and just result in her staggering home in the small hours feeling down. We've got two young children (eldest is 3 and 1/2 now), and she has been much better since they came along, until quite recently. She never drank or smoked at all when pregnant, so she can control it when she wants to. It's never really affected the kids - they are usually at home fast asleep in my care by the time she gets in a state (although it's not uncommon for her to take them to the pub in the afternoon at the start of the session, not something I'm keen on even then, as her main focus is the drink).
Fast forward to last night, where she insisted she wanted to go out for a 'quiet drink' at about 9pm (after having a few earlier in the evening before I collected her and the kids from the pub. "Here we go again I thought" (although part of me naively believed her, I mean the pubs round here close at 11pm, and she only had enough money for 2 pints). I gave up waiting for her to come home at 2:30am, and she wasn't answering her phone either, just like normal. I went to bed feeling lousy (we've all had some kind of virus/bug, and I am the last one to come down with it), only to be woken by our youngest (14 months old) 30 minutes later, normally he has a feed straight from the missus and goes back to sleep when this happens. But of course with mummy absent he gets quite upset, although he did go back to sleep for a bit.
Morning arrived and she still hadn't come home (rather unusual even for her). I was fuming because I had arranged to go and visit some customers at 9am, and it was supposed to be a family bank holiday day out for the family (customer is a kids attraction, so we were getting free entry). I had to get the kids ready and take them there by myself, which was no fun for them as they were stuck with me while I worked. Just before we set off out the phone rings, and it's a nurse from the hospital A&E dept (not a huge surprise given the above). They were rather cagey and said they were mainly calling to check that the children were alright (at first I'm thinking WTF, you're talking to their father). Then they say that she doesn't want to speak to me, or even for me to know that she's there, so they refuse to discuss her condition etc. By now, I can't be arsed with the games, so we all go out and I leave them my mobile number.
Get a call mid morning from a doctor, who lets on a bit more about her condition (a head injury, amongst other minor things, but neither they or she knows how she got them, reading between the lines they were considering domestic violence as a potential). Apparently someone had found lying semi conscious by the side of the road, outside the pub at about 4am. Not sure what she had or hadn't said to the hospital (bearing in mind the 'please don't contact my partner' request), but they wanted me to go down there (with the kids to see them). I arrive early afternoon, and after a quick chat (mainly to determine the welfare of the kids), they let us see her. She was in a right mess, black and blue all over, looked like she'd done several rounds in a bare knuckle fight. Clearly wasn't happy with me being there either, and the kids were rather shocked/confused by this point, even the youngest reluctant to go for a cuddle at first.
In the end they were satisfied that it was nothing to do with me (at least, I think they were!), and that the cause was either an accident, deliberately self inflicted, or that she'd been in fight. Finally left the hospital about 7pm, getting home around 8 (after stopping off at the pub, so I could try and retrieve her hand bag, which curiously had been left in there - no idea how they didn't find her at the bottom of the steps to their main door).
The A&E doctor had mentioned that they had reported the incident to social services (and earlier the police before they had made contact with me, but they had since been given the AOK), and that due to it being the bank holiday weekend we might not hear from social services until after the weekend, but that they were likely to want to visit (fair enough really).
Got everyone to bed, and a while later plod come knocking at the door (10:45pm). Routine thing, just need to check everyone is ok (wanted to go in all the bedrooms and see them asleep though), take all the details etc. The policeman happened to be an old acquaintance, which possibly helped.
Not sure what to do really - I'm not happy in the relationship, and the kids have held us together for the last year or so. I really thought she was improving, but seems on the downhill again now. And now it is starting to affect the kids too, as the eldest is becoming more aware of things. She has threatened to leave me a few times, and take the kids to the other end of the country to live with her Mum - "you'll never see them" etc. An idle threat I think, because she knows she's on a good number here, and last time I called her bluff on it by agreeing she should go. Next thing she turns it around and says it's not fair that they should have to move out of the family home (rented) and that I need to move out instead!
Beyond not wanting to break up the family unit (and potentially loose contact with the kids as well), there is also no way that I can imagine her coping with the kids by herself (allegedly, its a hard day with them that leads to the drinking now...). At the moment I am there to hold things together when mummy goes on a bender, but if she was by herself I don't know what'd happen (although she is a great mother whilst sober at least). Also, she is truly hopeless with anything finance wise - if she had £50 in her purse, it'd be gone in a day or two, with nothing much to show for it. If we split and I paid maintenance, I have no confidence at all that it'd get spent on the upkeep of the kids (and not cider and fags). But at the same time, staying together is really wearing me down, and our arguing must be affecting the kids as well.
The doctor did actually say that I would have a very good case for custody of the children, but given some of the nightmare stories from fathers on here I am a bit sceptical.
Oh and to top it all off, some fat bint smashed her card door into the side of mine in the hospital car park (whilst I was sat in it, chased after her and she just shrugged).
Sorry for the rambling, long post - if you've read it all I thank you. Just needed to vent after a pretty awful day.
But she can go for two to three weeks without going on a bender, and they are usually quite mild, and just result in her staggering home in the small hours feeling down. We've got two young children (eldest is 3 and 1/2 now), and she has been much better since they came along, until quite recently. She never drank or smoked at all when pregnant, so she can control it when she wants to. It's never really affected the kids - they are usually at home fast asleep in my care by the time she gets in a state (although it's not uncommon for her to take them to the pub in the afternoon at the start of the session, not something I'm keen on even then, as her main focus is the drink).
Fast forward to last night, where she insisted she wanted to go out for a 'quiet drink' at about 9pm (after having a few earlier in the evening before I collected her and the kids from the pub. "Here we go again I thought" (although part of me naively believed her, I mean the pubs round here close at 11pm, and she only had enough money for 2 pints). I gave up waiting for her to come home at 2:30am, and she wasn't answering her phone either, just like normal. I went to bed feeling lousy (we've all had some kind of virus/bug, and I am the last one to come down with it), only to be woken by our youngest (14 months old) 30 minutes later, normally he has a feed straight from the missus and goes back to sleep when this happens. But of course with mummy absent he gets quite upset, although he did go back to sleep for a bit.
Morning arrived and she still hadn't come home (rather unusual even for her). I was fuming because I had arranged to go and visit some customers at 9am, and it was supposed to be a family bank holiday day out for the family (customer is a kids attraction, so we were getting free entry). I had to get the kids ready and take them there by myself, which was no fun for them as they were stuck with me while I worked. Just before we set off out the phone rings, and it's a nurse from the hospital A&E dept (not a huge surprise given the above). They were rather cagey and said they were mainly calling to check that the children were alright (at first I'm thinking WTF, you're talking to their father). Then they say that she doesn't want to speak to me, or even for me to know that she's there, so they refuse to discuss her condition etc. By now, I can't be arsed with the games, so we all go out and I leave them my mobile number.
Get a call mid morning from a doctor, who lets on a bit more about her condition (a head injury, amongst other minor things, but neither they or she knows how she got them, reading between the lines they were considering domestic violence as a potential). Apparently someone had found lying semi conscious by the side of the road, outside the pub at about 4am. Not sure what she had or hadn't said to the hospital (bearing in mind the 'please don't contact my partner' request), but they wanted me to go down there (with the kids to see them). I arrive early afternoon, and after a quick chat (mainly to determine the welfare of the kids), they let us see her. She was in a right mess, black and blue all over, looked like she'd done several rounds in a bare knuckle fight. Clearly wasn't happy with me being there either, and the kids were rather shocked/confused by this point, even the youngest reluctant to go for a cuddle at first.
In the end they were satisfied that it was nothing to do with me (at least, I think they were!), and that the cause was either an accident, deliberately self inflicted, or that she'd been in fight. Finally left the hospital about 7pm, getting home around 8 (after stopping off at the pub, so I could try and retrieve her hand bag, which curiously had been left in there - no idea how they didn't find her at the bottom of the steps to their main door).
The A&E doctor had mentioned that they had reported the incident to social services (and earlier the police before they had made contact with me, but they had since been given the AOK), and that due to it being the bank holiday weekend we might not hear from social services until after the weekend, but that they were likely to want to visit (fair enough really).
Got everyone to bed, and a while later plod come knocking at the door (10:45pm). Routine thing, just need to check everyone is ok (wanted to go in all the bedrooms and see them asleep though), take all the details etc. The policeman happened to be an old acquaintance, which possibly helped.
Not sure what to do really - I'm not happy in the relationship, and the kids have held us together for the last year or so. I really thought she was improving, but seems on the downhill again now. And now it is starting to affect the kids too, as the eldest is becoming more aware of things. She has threatened to leave me a few times, and take the kids to the other end of the country to live with her Mum - "you'll never see them" etc. An idle threat I think, because she knows she's on a good number here, and last time I called her bluff on it by agreeing she should go. Next thing she turns it around and says it's not fair that they should have to move out of the family home (rented) and that I need to move out instead!
Beyond not wanting to break up the family unit (and potentially loose contact with the kids as well), there is also no way that I can imagine her coping with the kids by herself (allegedly, its a hard day with them that leads to the drinking now...). At the moment I am there to hold things together when mummy goes on a bender, but if she was by herself I don't know what'd happen (although she is a great mother whilst sober at least). Also, she is truly hopeless with anything finance wise - if she had £50 in her purse, it'd be gone in a day or two, with nothing much to show for it. If we split and I paid maintenance, I have no confidence at all that it'd get spent on the upkeep of the kids (and not cider and fags). But at the same time, staying together is really wearing me down, and our arguing must be affecting the kids as well.
The doctor did actually say that I would have a very good case for custody of the children, but given some of the nightmare stories from fathers on here I am a bit sceptical.
Oh and to top it all off, some fat bint smashed her card door into the side of mine in the hospital car park (whilst I was sat in it, chased after her and she just shrugged).
Sorry for the rambling, long post - if you've read it all I thank you. Just needed to vent after a pretty awful day.
Tell social services all this, tell them exactly how you have been worried about her drinking and that she goes off on a bender and then turns up unconscious in a hospital.
It does not sound like she is an alcoholic to be honest, she possibly has some underlying issues.
My worry would be that she knows she is facing 'crunch time' with you, and we know there is nothing worse than a woman with her back up so god knows what she will say or do.
The best way for you too protect the kids is to protect yourself. Get your feelings and worries on record immediately.
Also, best wishes, this sounds like a horrific situation to be in.
It does not sound like she is an alcoholic to be honest, she possibly has some underlying issues.
My worry would be that she knows she is facing 'crunch time' with you, and we know there is nothing worse than a woman with her back up so god knows what she will say or do.
The best way for you too protect the kids is to protect yourself. Get your feelings and worries on record immediately.
Also, best wishes, this sounds like a horrific situation to be in.
mondeoman said:
Talk to a family solicitor on Tuesday.
TBH this. Sorry to say it but you really need to start looking at splitting with her and applying for custody. Make notes of all that's happened including any crime reference numbers as you WILL need it if you want to stand any chance of retaining custody. Have NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that if the positions were reversed you'd be lucky to see your kids again. EVER. Even with the situation it's highly likely a family court will still have a preference for the children to stay with their mother despite the situation unless you can convince them otherwise. If she is indeed an alcoholic, and while I don't know a lot about it she doesn't quite seem 'that far gone' in that she's drinking all day every day she really needs to realise that you won't be a walkover and won't be her crutch.As sad as it is, it's not going to end well if she carries on.
R1gtr said:
Tell social services all this, tell them exactly how you have been worried about her drinking and that she goes off on a bender and then turns up unconscious in a hospital.
It does not sound like she is an alcoholic to be honest, she possibly has some underlying issues.
I'd echo that - the fact that she'll go weeks without drinking suggests that she's what's called a problem drinker. I'm one of those. While she's not physiologically or psychologically addicted to booze, she is using the alcohol to medicate for the depression which she's suffering, or possibly just to drink herself to oblivion when she's having an especially bad couple of days. It doesn't help, as you've noticed.It does not sound like she is an alcoholic to be honest, she possibly has some underlying issues.
Although I know it's a difficult situation, she is the mother of your children and you should try and sort her out for their sake. She needs help to break the link she has in her head between alcohol and happiness. Some form of counselling may help, she should get a referral from her GP.
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/Alcoholsu...
Mate, firstly I'm really sorry to read that. It is a horrible situation and you obviously care about her to do/say what you do. Secondly, and more importantly IMHO, is well done for putting the kids first. They need that.
For what my stranger-off-of-the-Internet option counts, I'd say she's not alcoholic. My money would be on her anti-depressants not being right for her. People frequently think that they're all the same and if the doctor has prescribed they must be right ands it something wrong with them. I can say from very personal experience, this is not the case. It can often take a few attempts at getting the right drug. Of course, you need a good and understanding GP/specialist.
I hope she gets the help she needs. Honestly, give the fact that the SSRIs she's on might not be the ones that work for her. All the best
For what my stranger-off-of-the-Internet option counts, I'd say she's not alcoholic. My money would be on her anti-depressants not being right for her. People frequently think that they're all the same and if the doctor has prescribed they must be right ands it something wrong with them. I can say from very personal experience, this is not the case. It can often take a few attempts at getting the right drug. Of course, you need a good and understanding GP/specialist.
I hope she gets the help she needs. Honestly, give the fact that the SSRIs she's on might not be the ones that work for her. All the best
There is some good advice above, especially about the wrong kind of medication!
Are her benders in line with her monthly cycle. I'm no expert but I knew a woman who had similar issues.
She certainly needs caring for and I'm afraid it sounds like you are closest to her to give that care. It's your decision whether you do but there is the potential to ruin yours and your childrens lives.
What will make it difficult is that sh will not thank you but without care she has a long hard road ahead which will not end well.
All I can do is wish you well.
Are her benders in line with her monthly cycle. I'm no expert but I knew a woman who had similar issues.
She certainly needs caring for and I'm afraid it sounds like you are closest to her to give that care. It's your decision whether you do but there is the potential to ruin yours and your childrens lives.
What will make it difficult is that sh will not thank you but without care she has a long hard road ahead which will not end well.
All I can do is wish you well.
Very sound advice above, telling social services the whole story and background after they've already being contacted by the hospital and talking to a solicitor is a definite. You also need to get in contact with your health visitor. She should be aware that your partner is on anti-depressants and did you or your partner tell her about the drinking habits? She might not be able to help but social services will probably speak to her first before contacting you and if you're going for custody, you need as much against your partner as possible.
A call to citizens advice and contacting a support group like 'Father's for Justice' might also be a good idea, for advice, to make sure you give yourself the best chance of gaining custody.
A call to citizens advice and contacting a support group like 'Father's for Justice' might also be a good idea, for advice, to make sure you give yourself the best chance of gaining custody.
Breaking up the family isn't nice.
But living with her will be far worse for you and the kids.
Get out and take the kids with you (legally) shouldn't be hard given her behaviour, just make sure you get the authorities involved to provide a paper trail.
She will continue to get worse, nothing you do will fix her.
But living with her will be far worse for you and the kids.
Get out and take the kids with you (legally) shouldn't be hard given her behaviour, just make sure you get the authorities involved to provide a paper trail.
She will continue to get worse, nothing you do will fix her.
I've lived through something very similar...although my ex would sneak drink into the house in handbags and quietly get drunk upstairs without me knowing. Another favourite was supposedly drinking water when it was actually vodka.
The final straw being when she fell down the stairs and broke her wrists and cut her head open....when I found her I actually thought she dead!!...
Having children makes your situation far harder....but unless she agrees to help it will get far worse, she needs to see her GP asap and get the ball rolling . PM if you need a natter.
Hope it works out OP
The final straw being when she fell down the stairs and broke her wrists and cut her head open....when I found her I actually thought she dead!!...
Having children makes your situation far harder....but unless she agrees to help it will get far worse, she needs to see her GP asap and get the ball rolling . PM if you need a natter.
Hope it works out OP
What are the anti-depressants for? Is it post-natal? She needs help, make her visit her GP, seek out counselling for her. As stated above, she's not an alcoholic, she's using alcohol sporadically to solve issues she doesn't know how to work out in her head, drinking is her coping mechanism and doing it on anti-depressants is only going to f
k her up.
Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
k her up. Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
Papa Hotel said:
What are the anti-depressants for? Is it post-natal? She needs help, make her visit her GP, seek out counselling for her. As stated above, she's not an alcoholic, she's using alcohol sporadically to solve issues she doesn't know how to work out in her head, drinking is her coping mechanism and doing it on anti-depressants is only going to fk her up.
Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
Absolutely 100% agreed.k her up. Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
W00DY said:
Papa Hotel said:
What are the anti-depressants for? Is it post-natal? She needs help, make her visit her GP, seek out counselling for her. As stated above, she's not an alcoholic, she's using alcohol sporadically to solve issues she doesn't know how to work out in her head, drinking is her coping mechanism and doing it on anti-depressants is only going to fk her up.
Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
Absolutely 100% agreed.k her up. Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
W00DY said:
Papa Hotel said:
What are the anti-depressants for? Is it post-natal? She needs help, make her visit her GP, seek out counselling for her. As stated above, she's not an alcoholic, she's using alcohol sporadically to solve issues she doesn't know how to work out in her head, drinking is her coping mechanism and doing it on anti-depressants is only going to fk her up.
Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
Absolutely 100% agreed.k her up. Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
rumple said:
Ageed if the op still has feelings for her, I get the impression he's had enough, I'd then be going the solicitor route, I came from a broken home and had an horrendous up ringing, I'd never normally advocate a marriage breaking down but in this case without knowing more the mother just sounds like a very destructive influence, if there is no love there the op ain't going to have the strength or will to see it through.
I think it's easy to say she's destructive and ruining his life so he should cut and run. But I see it that she has mental health issues and its come to the point where the OP can no longer cope by simply attempting to minimise the effects (making sure she only has a few quid etc.) and needs to deal with the cause of the problems. whether he's fallen out of love with her or not, as a woman he's had children with and spent a large portion of his life with, he IMO has a duty to try and help her rather than lay all blame with her and try to wash his hands of the whole situation.I'm not blaming the OP either btw, but I think he could look at this as an opportunity to hopefully help someone and find the woman he loves and mother to his children.
As many will attest to, living with an alcoholic is a very difficult life. I would do what ever it takes to a) get help for your partner - assuming she wants and desires help b) make damned sure that your children are protected from the worst of her excesses as much as is physically, emotionally and mentally possible.
In my extended family we have our fair share of alcoholics. The impact of their actions can be seen in the lives and behaviours of their children and in the way their children treat their children.
It is a miserable disease/condition and the sooner you both take steps to turn chaos back in to order, the better for you and your children. But also remember, you cannot change anyone - it's not in your power nor is it your responsibility. But you actions can certainly go a long way to negating the potential they have for causing enormous and life long damage. Adults of all ages rarely if ever forget 'my mother was an alcoholic and I remember...' It is a painful road you are on and one what will get no easier for some time. It is likely to get a lot worse. BUT, it's a road you have to endure and do what you can to make it a darned site better for those who could so easily become 'collateral damage'. Best of luck.
In my extended family we have our fair share of alcoholics. The impact of their actions can be seen in the lives and behaviours of their children and in the way their children treat their children.
It is a miserable disease/condition and the sooner you both take steps to turn chaos back in to order, the better for you and your children. But also remember, you cannot change anyone - it's not in your power nor is it your responsibility. But you actions can certainly go a long way to negating the potential they have for causing enormous and life long damage. Adults of all ages rarely if ever forget 'my mother was an alcoholic and I remember...' It is a painful road you are on and one what will get no easier for some time. It is likely to get a lot worse. BUT, it's a road you have to endure and do what you can to make it a darned site better for those who could so easily become 'collateral damage'. Best of luck.
There are two options one is "selfish" but if you can't cope any more and are struggling to see why you are still with her then get out, there is no point living your life miserable for the sake of the kids.
The other option is to work on getting her the help she needs to get things moving. But still consider your life in this there must come a time when you stop living to protect her and live for yourself.
The other option is to work on getting her the help she needs to get things moving. But still consider your life in this there must come a time when you stop living to protect her and live for yourself.
Pothole said:
W00DY said:
Papa Hotel said:
What are the anti-depressants for? Is it post-natal? She needs help, make her visit her GP, seek out counselling for her. As stated above, she's not an alcoholic, she's using alcohol sporadically to solve issues she doesn't know how to work out in her head, drinking is her coping mechanism and doing it on anti-depressants is only going to fk her up.
Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
Absolutely 100% agreed.k her up. Don't threaten her with the end of the relationship and taking her kids from her. Offer her support, help her get the help she needs and you might find she's still the woman you want to be with.
Sounds like a mental health issue which needs tackling. If she can go weeks without a bender that is a positive thing. Depression is a complicated condition. If her GP just dishes out pills, see a different one. See If you can get her some counselling to deal with whatever the alcohol is being used to blank out.
If social services are involved be up front and honest. They do get a bad press but they are there to help.
All the best to you. You sound like you are doing what a good Dad should and putting the kids first.
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