The best insult you've ever heard

[Council Baby]

Reading an article anout some of the abuse on ttter aimed at politicians and such had me in stitches this afternoon, gems such as 'you shape shifting horse fker' are absolute gold.

So let's hear the best/funniest insults you've heard.

I'll save them for use in a boring business meeting at some point

[Axionknight]

Not really an insult, more of a sharp response. I was in the gym a few weeks ago, just coming out of the sauna and a young lad (18 or so I'd say) was limping past the spa pool, a group of girls were giggling and one piped up "awww, are you walking like that to try and hide a boner?", he quickly replied "no, it's not hard but I do have it tied down the side of my leg", and slapped his crotch, I nearly pissed myself laughing.

[Cataldo]

Charlie Brooker referring to Paul Hollywood as a 'Laser eyed barn owl' cracked me up the other night. Not a direct insult but funny none the less.

[Justayellowbadge]

'Your mother owes my dog fk money.'

[StuntmanMike]

I borrowed a mate's very expensive mountain bike and road along the local canal, on the other side near a shopping center were four extremely fit girls, as I rode past one shouted 'hey sexy' this got my attention, I looked around to hear 'the bike not you , you ugly tt', I guess I hadn't scored then.

[GTIR]

Axionknight said:

Not really an insult, more of a sharp response. I was in the gym a few weeks ago, just coming out of the sauna and a young lad (18 or so I'd say) was limping past the spa pool, a group of girls were giggling and one piped up "awww, are you walking like that to try and hide a boner?", he quickly replied "no, it's not hard but I do have it tied down the side of my leg", and slapped his crotch, I nearly pissed myself laughing.

Never happened.

[MocMocaMoc]

A company director, a tall, impressive dude going for the clean cut image and very well spoken once visited our IT department.
Noticed one of the older guys had shaved off his long standing tash.

The whole dept was on our best, the room was silent...

"Oh Mick, you've shaved off your tash? Yeah great, but you still look like a c*nt"

I was buckled.

Not the wittiest, but unexpected and said with great venom.

[LaurasOtherHalf]

Can't remember where I read/heard it but someone was pulled for parking in a disabled parking bay & was pulled up for it;

"Oi, what's your disability then?"

"Tourette's, now fk off you !"

Probably some comedy show but a fantastic retort

[Gargamel]

I have always favoured

"Donkey raping st eater", myself, has a certain byronic quality to it.

[steveo3002]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=melkbylDIA8

skip to the end..the bit about the rat

[Legeen]

Someone called my good friend fat. He replied quick as a flash 'I'm only fat because every time I shag your mother she gives me a biscuit'

[Rickyy]

Listening to a mate of a mate telling a story of a one night stand and he came up with this line "She got undressed and I didn't know whether to fk it or fight it!" Had me in stitches!

[Vaud]

I always liked Jimmy Carrs,

"Why are you interrupting my work? I don't turn up at your work, and start knocking sailors' cocks out of your mouth"

[Gretchen]

StuntmanMike said:

I borrowed a mate's very expensive mountain bike and road along the local canal, on the other side near a shopping center were four extremely fit girls, as I rode past one shouted 'hey sexy' this got my attention, I looked around to hear 'the bike not you , you ugly tt', I guess I hadn't scored then.

Similar to 'Alright Sugar'... 'Not you the other lump'.

[JontyR]

I favour the idea of "Look love you're paid from the neck down!" when someone is getting beyond their paygrade

Or if you ask for something and the person looks blankly back at you with the words I haven't a clue...ask politely is that about the item in question or generally?

[Tango13]

At a previous employer I once commented to the Foreman that when it came to technical matters the new machine shop manager was out out of his depth on a freshly mopped floor.

[Axionknight]

GTIR said:

Never happened.

Oh sorry, didn't notice you were there at the time, my mistake.

[Disastrous]

GTIR said:

Axionknight said:

Not really an insult, more of a sharp response. I was in the gym a few weeks ago, just coming out of the sauna and a young lad (18 or so I'd say) was limping past the spa pool, a group of girls were giggling and one piped up "awww, are you walking like that to try and hide a boner?", he quickly replied "no, it's not hard but I do have it tied down the side of my leg", and slapped his crotch, I nearly pissed myself laughing.

Never happened.

Yes, I can't imagine someone being so astonishingly witty in real life. Must have a mind like a razor.

[Justaredbadge]

Justayellowbadge said:

'Your mother owes my dog fk money.'

Ouch

[Mr Roper]

Justayellowbadge said:

'Your mother owes my dog fk money.'

That's not an insult where I live.