Divorce stuff - major seething content

[numtumfutunch]

I am almost too angry to type this but if anyone has any insight or advice on where to go Id be keen to hear it

My brother is a career soldier and is currently uncontactable in some god forsaken corner of hell for the next few weeks/months
The family home is absolutely miles away from us in the south east

Today we spontaneously planned an 8h round trip to visit friends which took us past my brothers place so decided to pop for a surprise visit to see my sis in law and niece and nephew

What we didnt expect was some bloke 20y younger than her to answer the door
As you can imagine it was a bit of a shocker but quickly became apparent that she'd moved in her toyboy whilst my bro is having pot shots taken at him several thousand miles away

The resulting chat revealed that as far as she was concerned that was it and the marriage is over
My thoughts are probably best not repeated and I felt sorry for the kids who looked pretty confused by the whole thing

Pragmatically I cannot speak to him tonight but will endeavour to do so ASAP

In the meantime how will this pan out?

The biggie is that they live in London, they bought the house 20y ago, paid off the mortgage but now the area has been gentrified and it is worth a bomb
Kids are both teens and at posh local private schools and will possibly go to university

Sis in law is acting like the victim so my suspicion is that this wont be a clean divorce, as far as I know bro is squeakily innocent in terms of any playing away, wife battering etc etc etc

Assuming its over how is the family home likely to be split?
If she worked full time they would be on a similar salary, however she works part time at 60%

Unless he gets a big chunk of the equity he has no chance of buying a place big enough locally to have his kids on a 50% basis - and thats ignoring his army commitment, but conversely theres no way the biatch could ever afford to buy him out even at say 40% to him which is possibly naive of me

Ugh - time for another scotch

Sorry for the ramble

[CoolHands]

1/2 each, they'll have to sell and each downsize.


And stay out of it!

[Durzel]

50% of the equity in a London house would buy a small town anywhere else nowadays.

[jamiem555]

Can I offer a little advice here from someone who has been to one of these hell holes a few times in the past. Do not tell him anything until he returns. If it can wait, let it. There will be enough crap going on out there without having to worry about home problems. I did see it several times and it can drive a bloke insane. I know it sounds harsh, but these distractions can sometimes be the difference between life and death.

[ClaphamGT3]

jamiem555 said:

Can I offer a little advice here from someone who has been to one of these hell holes a few times in the past. Do not tell him anything until he returns. If it can wait, let it. There will be enough crap going on out there without having to worry about home problems. I did see it several times and it can drive a bloke insane. I know it sounds harsh, but these distractions can sometimes be the difference between life and death.

I think that this is good advice.

[numtumfutunch]

Thanks so far
I will keep it under wraps for now

The London thing is the issue I suppose, for stability I imagine the kids should stay where they are

Downsizing would be fine - I have been fearful that the wife would get most of the equity in the house but am encouraged by the 50:50 comment, although if it was 60:40 as per her wage* that would be OK too

Can of worms..............

• now the kids are teens there is no reason as far as I see that she cant go full time

[CGJJ]

jamiem555 said:

Can I offer a little advice here from someone who has been to one of these hell holes a few times in the past. Do not tell him anything until he returns. If it can wait, let it. There will be enough crap going on out there without having to worry about home problems. I did see it several times and it can drive a bloke insane. I know it sounds harsh, but these distractions can sometimes be the difference between life and death.

Listen to this man.

[Funk]

The flip side is that now she knows you're onto her, she may start putting things in place to stack the deck in her favour.

What an awful situation for your brother, I really hate it when good people get fked over. I hope he gets at least what he deserves and she gets her comeuppance.

[numtumfutunch]

Funk said:

The flip side is that now she knows you're onto her, she may start putting things in place to stack the deck in her favour.

What an awful situation for your brother, I really hate it when good people get fked over. I hope he gets at least what he deserves and she gets her comeuppance.

Well clearly I cant speak for him but its not that she deserves her comeuppance as such, more that he gets a decent settlement to buy a place nearby for a base for him and the kids on a 50:50 basis - this was my worry

And Im really fking pissed of with the bh.........................

[pork911]

your anger over what may have gone on within the marriage (which you will never really know) will not help your brother

[jamesedwards]

Feeling your anger here. In full support as long as he, as you said, is squeaky clean.

Why, if she has been unfaithful, is he not entitled to more that 50%? I thought that if said situation was the case she hadn't really got much, if anything, to stand on?

[mybrainhurts]

jamesedwards said:

Feeling your anger here.

Me too. My ex did just that.

Might make you feel better to know life isn't going to be easy for her when she's 85 and he's 65, if they stay together.

[tbc]

Seems the wife is getting shot in the face as well.

Imagine getting told while your away in stghanistan that your wife had moved in some lad for a daily cocking.

Wouldn't help the concentration levels so best to keep quiet until he's back in blighty

[Red Devil]

jamesedwards said:

Why, if she has been unfaithful, is he not entitled to more that 50%? I thought that if said situation was the case she hadn't really got much, if anything, to stand on?

Infidelity has no bearing on the monetary aspect of any settlement. Nor does it mean, per se, that she is unfit to be a mother to the kids. The court's primary consideration will be their welfare. The parents' needs come second. The odds are stacked against him for obtaining custody. The children are still in full time education and his occupation means he can be deployed anywhere at short notice. Whether she keeps the house may well depend on whether she can raise the money to buy out his share. She may well argue that she needs to stay put until the children have finished their education.

It is going to be very hard for him to stay rational with a toy boy in the mix, but clarity of thought is going to be essential otherwise the only winners may be lawyers. Disputes drain the piggy bank faster than the growth of the National Debt.

[Impasse]

In some situations, the courts may rule that the Resident Parent can stay in the family home until the kids are of an adult age and only then may it be sold and the proceeds divided up to a pre-arranged amount.
This is intended to provide an element of stability for the kids rather than any perceived persecution of an individual parent.

[Durzel]

tbc said:

Seems the wife is getting shot in the face as well.

What an entirely inappropriate joke.

[Engineer1]

It may be worth letting his regiment know just so if she starts mud slinging or decides to prempt you telling him there is some support in place.

[Durzel]

Engineer1 said:

It may be worth letting his regiment know just so if she starts mud slinging or decides to prempt you telling him there is some support in place.

Good call.

There is the possibility of course that now that she knows you know that she'll tell him via letter or whatever anyway, and maybe not in a good way, especially as she knows he can't do anything about it.

If it were me I'd be inclined to say something to someone, but whether his regiment would give it much attention or not I don't know?

[Drclarke]

I strongly urge ou not to mention this to your brother whilst he is on his tour, and also speak to his wife today asking her not to do the same.

[sooperscoop]

Don't tell him, tell his commanding officer.

If she starts getting awkward, he can take it all the way to court. She'll look like utter scum while he's defending his country.