Discussion
A mother and wife aren’t meant to be set against each other in a competition for the man’s loyalty or love.
If there is a conflict between the two, there is no law stating that the man must “take sides” with one or the other.
After all, loving and cherishing isn’t about taking sides at all, but respecting and accepting two different ways of being, and moving forward in both relationships with as much integrity and authenticity as possible.
If there is a conflict between the two, there is no law stating that the man must “take sides” with one or the other.
After all, loving and cherishing isn’t about taking sides at all, but respecting and accepting two different ways of being, and moving forward in both relationships with as much integrity and authenticity as possible.
Ok. My mum has done a bad thing and will pay for it for the rest of her life.
This will affect everyone, no-one will escape the ensuing wrath.
My in-laws are old school, religious, pious and judgemental.
They have convinced my wife that it is black and white and therefore my mum is essentially dead. It has been put to me that I have a choice.
I can unconditionally love/support my own bloody mother or keep my own family together.
A mind f
k.
This will affect everyone, no-one will escape the ensuing wrath.
My in-laws are old school, religious, pious and judgemental.
They have convinced my wife that it is black and white and therefore my mum is essentially dead. It has been put to me that I have a choice.
I can unconditionally love/support my own bloody mother or keep my own family together.
A mind f
k.Zodiac M said:
Ok. My mum has done a bad thing and will pay for it for the rest of her life.
This will affect everyone, no-one will escape the ensuing wrath.
My in-laws are old school, religious, pious and judgemental.
They have convinced my wife that it is black and white and therefore my mum is essentially dead. It has been put to me that I have a choice.
I can unconditionally love/support my own bloody mother or keep my own family together.
A mind fk.
choose the wife and then bring her round to the fact it's your life and you can still see your mother even if she doesn't want to.This will affect everyone, no-one will escape the ensuing wrath.
My in-laws are old school, religious, pious and judgemental.
They have convinced my wife that it is black and white and therefore my mum is essentially dead. It has been put to me that I have a choice.
I can unconditionally love/support my own bloody mother or keep my own family together.
A mind f
k.TBH your inlaws sound like a
holes for doing this, no-one has the right to put someone in an us or them situation no matter what the problem is unless it directly affects their life in serious way.ETA. if this is criminal right now it might look like the end of everything but trust me it gets better when people can step back and take perspective.
If you want someone to talk to, email me at oli@myusername.net
Edited by Silent1 on Saturday 27th December 00:20
Maybe your wife should be required to make her own decision in the same way
And you should be the judgmental one, your inlaws sound like pond dwelling boot scrapings
Your wife has you anyway but your mother is entitled to your loyalty
These 'decide - me or her' things are terrible
Weren't religious people supposed to be charitable and 'turning other cheeks' sort of folks?
And you should be the judgmental one, your inlaws sound like pond dwelling boot scrapings
Your wife has you anyway but your mother is entitled to your loyalty
These 'decide - me or her' things are terrible
Weren't religious people supposed to be charitable and 'turning other cheeks' sort of folks?
My wife and kids are my top priority. Everyone else, including my brothers and my mother, are lower down the pecking order.
Having said that, I'm fortunate that my inlaws, when they were alive, were nice people who would never interfere in our lives, and my wife is very fond of my mother.
Having said that, I'm fortunate that my inlaws, when they were alive, were nice people who would never interfere in our lives, and my wife is very fond of my mother.
I suggest "stepping back" and seeing the bigger picture. 
Much MUCH easier said than done, admittedly! 
The OP sees his mother as having made a mistake and is leaning towards his wife & kids? Not turning one's back on one's own immediate 'family' (in terms of 'flesh & blood') is an important factor - though it's VERY hard to see this at the time (due to shock and natural feelings of "they hurt me, I'll hurt THEM back!" things...
Mind you, I'm also a "professional schizophraenic" (NHS Receptionist, damn good at customer service ) who resents doing this stuff to 'sort' his own affairs in his own spare time 
- but I have also been forced to jump through many hoops in my spare time (read some of my posts over the preceding 2 years 
) and I still have a reasonable-ish relationship with "opposing forces" in the mother in law despite a veritable ststorm lasting nigh-on two years...
In summary, my wife, Helen, passed away in June; for the preceding 18 months she was either extremely unwell (ie might die at the drop of a hat) or was pretty unwell as she was tetraplegic (unable to move but also unable to swallow or speak, had a feeding tube into her stomach etc...) but she was able to live at home with 24 hour care from yours truly (in between the pneumonia episodes arising from an inability to swallow safely) .
Her family were continually asking for her to go into Neuro Rehab, and I was saying that she wasn't a candidate (she genuinely wasn't!
).
They wanted her to go into Neuro Rehab so she could learn to get dressed, to learn to iron clothes again and to re-learn to cook again. I pointed out that she was tetraplegic and so she wasn't going to learn to cook/iron/get dressed again any time soon - OH! The grief they gave me for being so negative!. Utterly out of touch, they were - and still are! Self, self, self... The hospital consultants sang the same tune; the in-laws pushed for a private consultant to make a decision... The family were - still are? Who gives a stuff! I don't! 
- in utter denial as to how bad things really were with Helen .
5 months after Helen passed away, I pulled the plug on the in-laws - in particular, Helen's sister rather than her mum (my mother in law). It went against every grain of my being to do this as the onslaught continued (they wanted to take everything of Helen's from the house although it is now mine, she died intestate) - but I would genuinely NOT recommend this "Fk 'em" approach to one's OWN family from other experiences I have had of life!
It is entirely possibly to seperate one's mother and one's family - but the emotional juggling is very VERY difficult . If the OP wants to message me with details I will be pleased to help with insights if I can . In the meantime, don't rush into anything 
.
One question: OP, who is making you decide between your mother and your wife & kids??(Because they shouldn't be .)
Much MUCH easier said than done, admittedly! The OP sees his mother as having made a mistake and is leaning towards his wife & kids? Not turning one's back on one's own immediate 'family' (in terms of 'flesh & blood') is an important factor - though it's VERY hard to see this at the time (due to shock and natural feelings of "they hurt me, I'll hurt THEM back!" things...
Mind you, I'm also a "professional schizophraenic" (NHS Receptionist, damn good at customer service
) who resents doing this stuff to 'sort' his own affairs in his own spare time - but I have also been forced to jump through many hoops in my spare time (read some of my posts over the preceding 2 years ) and I still have a reasonable-ish relationship with "opposing forces" in the mother in law despite a veritable ststorm lasting nigh-on two years...In summary, my wife, Helen, passed away in June; for the preceding 18 months she was either extremely unwell (ie might die at the drop of a hat) or was pretty unwell as she was tetraplegic (unable to move but also unable to swallow or speak, had a feeding tube into her stomach etc...) but she was able to live at home with 24 hour care from yours truly (in between the pneumonia episodes arising from an inability to swallow safely)
. Her family were continually asking for her to go into Neuro Rehab, and I was saying that she wasn't a candidate (she genuinely wasn't!
). They wanted her to go into Neuro Rehab so she could learn to get dressed, to learn to iron clothes again and to re-learn to cook again. I pointed out that she was tetraplegic and so she wasn't going to learn to cook/iron/get dressed again any time soon - OH! The grief they gave me for being so negative!
. Utterly out of touch, they were - and still are! Self, self, self... The hospital consultants sang the same tune; the in-laws pushed for a private consultant to make a decision... The family were - still are? Who gives a stuff! I don't! - in utter denial as to how bad things really were with Helen .5 months after Helen passed away, I pulled the plug on the in-laws - in particular, Helen's sister rather than her mum (my mother in law). It went against every grain of my being to do this as the onslaught continued (they wanted to take everything of Helen's from the house although it is now mine, she died intestate) - but I would genuinely NOT recommend this "F
k 'em" approach to one's OWN family from other experiences I have had of life!It is entirely possibly to seperate one's mother and one's family - but the emotional juggling is very VERY difficult
. If the OP wants to message me with details I will be pleased to help with insights if I can . In the meantime, don't rush into anything .One question: OP, who is making you decide between your mother and your wife & kids??(Because they shouldn't be
.)OP she is still your mother.
My 2p is unless its directly goin to effect you, then id tell the wife and in laws that you ll still be popping to see her etc.
They can do as they please.
Are the kids old enough to know/realise what is it shes done??
And your missus parents sound delightful.
My 2p is unless its directly goin to effect you, then id tell the wife and in laws that you ll still be popping to see her etc.
They can do as they please.
Are the kids old enough to know/realise what is it shes done??
And your missus parents sound delightful.
Thanks for the replies people.
It has been intimated to me in no uncertain terms that I will 'lose' my family if I so much as even support my mum.
It's quite serious st. My kids are still young (all under 8). Gran is in hospital officially!
The in-laws are very pious and have a huge influence on the wife.
I think I'll make an appointment with the doc. It's starting to overwhelm me..
It has been intimated to me in no uncertain terms that I will 'lose' my family if I so much as even support my mum.
It's quite serious s
t. My kids are still young (all under 8). Gran is in hospital officially!The in-laws are very pious and have a huge influence on the wife.
I think I'll make an appointment with the doc. It's starting to overwhelm me..
Zodiac M said:
Thanks for the replies people.
It has been intimated to me in no uncertain terms that I will 'lose' my family if I so much as even support my mum.
It's quite serious st. My kids are still young (all under 8). Gran is in hospital officially!
The in-laws are very pious and have a huge influence on the wife.
I think I'll make an appointment with the doc. It's starting to overwhelm me..
This sounds awful! It has been intimated to me in no uncertain terms that I will 'lose' my family if I so much as even support my mum.
It's quite serious s
t. My kids are still young (all under 8). Gran is in hospital officially!The in-laws are very pious and have a huge influence on the wife.
I think I'll make an appointment with the doc. It's starting to overwhelm me..
FWIW, it would have to be Paedo/Child murdering scale bad for me to turn my back on my Mum.
Otherwise it sounds as if your 'in laws' are the out of order party
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