Relative dying. Visit or not? Guilt.
Discussion
Dear PH.
Morning all. Bit of PH input would be helpful (I think!).
My dad was called down to South Coast at short notice last night. My grandfather has had a stroke, and they were told to come now. He's 98 and while his brain is still relatively sharp his body has been ageing... He's now in the end of life section of a ward.
My instinct is that he's old in his final hours and have his son and two daughters there to say goodbye to will be quite enough. He's not properly conscious, although seems aware of their presence.
Other branches of the family who are more touchy feely than I am (mostly female if it makes a difference) with grand children and even great grand children going down to visit him.
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
Help
Confused of Yorkshire.
Morning all. Bit of PH input would be helpful (I think!).
My dad was called down to South Coast at short notice last night. My grandfather has had a stroke, and they were told to come now. He's 98 and while his brain is still relatively sharp his body has been ageing... He's now in the end of life section of a ward.
My instinct is that he's old in his final hours and have his son and two daughters there to say goodbye to will be quite enough. He's not properly conscious, although seems aware of their presence.
Other branches of the family who are more touchy feely than I am (mostly female if it makes a difference) with grand children and even great grand children going down to visit him.
I'm really not sure what I should be doing. I think my position is right, but am worried that it feels uncaring.
Help
Confused of Yorkshire.
I take it that your position is Not Going?
If you think that's OK, then it's right. But dont forget that Grandads passing also leaves people who need support too, so it's not just a case of not being there for him, it's everyone else that will be together in mourning. You could always be there for them if you feel you need and want to.
If you think that's OK, then it's right. But dont forget that Grandads passing also leaves people who need support too, so it's not just a case of not being there for him, it's everyone else that will be together in mourning. You could always be there for them if you feel you need and want to.
As mentioned above it is what you feel you should do.
My nan passed away a few years back in a home and I thought I should go and see her. She gave me a little smile whilst she was holding my dads hand and that night she passed away. Although I now have the image of what she looked like on her last day I still don't regret taking the time to go to that nursing home that day.
As mentioned above you can be of great help and support for the ones that are left behind. I remember on that same night giving my dad one of the best hugs ever where we didn't speak but it felt like he was crushing me so clearly he needed the hug as much as me.
Jump on a train you can't turn back time.
My nan passed away a few years back in a home and I thought I should go and see her. She gave me a little smile whilst she was holding my dads hand and that night she passed away. Although I now have the image of what she looked like on her last day I still don't regret taking the time to go to that nursing home that day.
As mentioned above you can be of great help and support for the ones that are left behind. I remember on that same night giving my dad one of the best hugs ever where we didn't speak but it felt like he was crushing me so clearly he needed the hug as much as me.
Jump on a train you can't turn back time.
I had this with my Gran last year. I went for my Gran but also to support my Mum for whom the whole thing was understandably an ordeal.
My wife also went along and she was there holding my Gran's hand when she passed away and everyone else was out of the room grabbing a coffee. I really wished that hadn't happened, my poor wife is still haunted by it as she was very close to my Gran.
My wife also went along and she was there holding my Gran's hand when she passed away and everyone else was out of the room grabbing a coffee. I really wished that hadn't happened, my poor wife is still haunted by it as she was very close to my Gran.
I think this is helpful.
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.
I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.
I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.
If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.
Shall muse some more.
In terms of my dad he thinks this rush by other relatives is ridiculous, and is pleased that his boys are keeping their distance. He's already said that he thinks it down to their guilt about not seeing him often enough.
I have the same guilt, but it does not mean that I do not love him.
I have a few problems in dropping everything today or at least during the day, not least of which is I have my parents dog which allowed them to get down quick.
If he was conscious I'd perhaps feel different, but still wonder if he has enough going on saying goodbye to his children. I don't like touchy feely and I'm not sure if that's helping or hindering me.
Shall muse some more.
krisdelta said:
It's not just about your relationship with your Granddad, but supporting your Dad too - there is little more sobering than being reminded of your own mortality. Given there is nothing more important than family, go for yourself, your Dad or Granddad, but do go (if you can).
Absolutely this. Go. Support your family.
Or don't, and worry they'll think you don't care, which is fine if you really don't care. Unless you have a good reason not to go (sick child, broken leg, whatever) in which case explain and let them know you wish you could be there with them, even if it isn't true.
I was the last family member to visit my granddad before he died. The experience of visiting him on my own, with that illness, in that hospital, was horrific. I've lost all my grand parent and my parents, and being on my own for that one was really hard.
Whatever you decide you have my sympathies, it's horrible either way.
Or don't, and worry they'll think you don't care, which is fine if you really don't care. Unless you have a good reason not to go (sick child, broken leg, whatever) in which case explain and let them know you wish you could be there with them, even if it isn't true.
I was the last family member to visit my granddad before he died. The experience of visiting him on my own, with that illness, in that hospital, was horrific. I've lost all my grand parent and my parents, and being on my own for that one was really hard.
Whatever you decide you have my sympathies, it's horrible either way.
LordGrover said:
...but it's better to regret something you've done than something you haven't...
Yes, I'm sure that applies to everything. Gary Glitter probably has it as a prison tattoo. Look at the 2 scenarios,
You go. Your grandfather passes away with no knowledge that you were there or not but you get to see him and hold his hand and tell him anything you want, but you can talk to/help/ or even just sit quietly with your Dad in what must be an incredibly difficult time for him. Potentially you look like you came out of guilt.
You don't go. Your grandfather passes away with no knowledge that you were there or not. You can talk/help or be there for your Dad on the end of a phone. You don't look like you came out of guilt.
If I was you i'd go. But maybe thats because my grandfather was abroad and I regret not putting more effort into getting to know him and not being there when he came to the end.
You go. Your grandfather passes away with no knowledge that you were there or not but you get to see him and hold his hand and tell him anything you want, but you can talk to/help/ or even just sit quietly with your Dad in what must be an incredibly difficult time for him. Potentially you look like you came out of guilt.
You don't go. Your grandfather passes away with no knowledge that you were there or not. You can talk/help or be there for your Dad on the end of a phone. You don't look like you came out of guilt.
If I was you i'd go. But maybe thats because my grandfather was abroad and I regret not putting more effort into getting to know him and not being there when he came to the end.
I went to see my Granddad when he was dying - more for my Nan than anything else.
Realistically it's obviously pointless - there's nothing you can do, he won't even know you're there etc, but to support your Mum / Dad is not a bad thing, and it won't leave you thinking "I probably should have gone".
Couple of days out of your life - no biggy really.
Realistically it's obviously pointless - there's nothing you can do, he won't even know you're there etc, but to support your Mum / Dad is not a bad thing, and it won't leave you thinking "I probably should have gone".
Couple of days out of your life - no biggy really.
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