Relatives or specifically In-Laws
Discussion
My wife and I got married earlier this year overseas. My parents were coming along, but health insurance issues unexpectedly stopped them at the last minute. They were gutted.
My in-laws had no intention of making the effort - and indeed barely asked about the wedding before or after.
We held a party over the weekend to celebrate our wedding which was rather good fun, marred by the fact that my in-laws did not turn up. It seem's that a phone conversation between my other half and the witch was had, where they discussed getting back to their hotel. It was suggested that my parents would drop them off as they may be driving, because they were nice people. The witch felt this implied they were not and then hung up after a tirade.
I've blown my cover during the phone conversation to make sure they were not half dead on the motorway... She kinda knows how I feel now.
We have kids and I don't understand how any parent can be so unsupportive and unfeeling as her mother has been. My father in-law is a nice guy, but ultimately he's ruled by the mother in-law. My own parents (and grandparents) are/were so much the opposite I did not know these kind of people existed.
It's a strange strange world.
My in-laws had no intention of making the effort - and indeed barely asked about the wedding before or after.
We held a party over the weekend to celebrate our wedding which was rather good fun, marred by the fact that my in-laws did not turn up. It seem's that a phone conversation between my other half and the witch was had, where they discussed getting back to their hotel. It was suggested that my parents would drop them off as they may be driving, because they were nice people. The witch felt this implied they were not and then hung up after a tirade.
I've blown my cover during the phone conversation to make sure they were not half dead on the motorway... She kinda knows how I feel now.
We have kids and I don't understand how any parent can be so unsupportive and unfeeling as her mother has been. My father in-law is a nice guy, but ultimately he's ruled by the mother in-law. My own parents (and grandparents) are/were so much the opposite I did not know these kind of people existed.
It's a strange strange world.
We are in the same scenario. In-laws tried to ruin our wedding, failed and then the mother-in-law accused us of saying something nasty to them. They've shown zero support for my wife, no interest in our children, and we have not seen them since last year. Sadly the mother is a working class snob who hates anyone who she believes to have done better than her and tries to drag them down (crab mentality?)
While I couldn't care less, I do feel sorry for my wife who does not deserve such a pathetic mother.
While I couldn't care less, I do feel sorry for my wife who does not deserve such a pathetic mother.
I've found that you have to change your perspective when considering in-laws.
You in your family were brought up in a particular way with years to small 'traditions' (if you can call them that) so to you and your family however distant there will be similar things.
Now your inlaws are from a completely different place (even if they live next door) they have a different way of looking at anything or everything.
Sometimes you are lucky and there will be enough similar that you can find commman ground and get on. Often sadly this is not the case and thats where you have the problems above.
Anyway if you read that ramble... the point is, you might never understand them, don't worry, its normal. Just live your life best you can, because you wont change them.
You in your family were brought up in a particular way with years to small 'traditions' (if you can call them that) so to you and your family however distant there will be similar things.
Now your inlaws are from a completely different place (even if they live next door) they have a different way of looking at anything or everything.
Sometimes you are lucky and there will be enough similar that you can find commman ground and get on. Often sadly this is not the case and thats where you have the problems above.
Anyway if you read that ramble... the point is, you might never understand them, don't worry, its normal. Just live your life best you can, because you wont change them.
Your MIL has a personality disorder. She wants to be the centre of attention and cannot be so at an event where your wife will be centre stage. She will create disputes in order to focus attention on herself. Her husband has presumably given in to her emotional manipulation. This will continue unless she gets therapy.
I say this as a person who has zero experience of psychology and I am therefore, in PH terms, an expert
I say this as a person who has zero experience of psychology and I am therefore, in PH terms, an expert
Bluebarge said:
Your MIL has a personality disorder. She wants to be the centre of attention and cannot be so at an event where your wife will be centre stage. She will create disputes in order to focus attention on herself. Her husband has presumably given in to her emotional manipulation. This will continue unless she gets therapy.
I say this as a person who has zero experience of psychology and I am therefore, in PH terms, an expert
My thoughts too, and I am equally academically/professionally qualified to comment on the subject. I say this as a person who has zero experience of psychology and I am therefore, in PH terms, an expert
Bluebarge said:
I say this as a person who has zero experience of psychology and I am therefore, in PH terms, an expert
My MIL is great, my FIL on the other hand was a complete a
hole, a complete alcoholic, who had no interest in our children and the last time I saw him he raised his hand to my wife, so I stood in between them as I am a man mountain.He died a sad lonely drunk in his own little hovel of a house in Portsmouth and was only found when his neighbors reported the smell. Miserable s
t of a human being.My MiL lives in an annexe at the end of our house.
She probably thinks she is easy going, a good neighbour, generous and reliable.
I don't. But now I'm stuck here. Every irritant becomes a major problem that infects the very happiness of our home. And there's no escape - she can come into our part any time (pretext - looking for missing cat / I have some post for you / returning an item).
Worst decision we made. Five years ago.
Good job I'm not bitter!
She probably thinks she is easy going, a good neighbour, generous and reliable.
I don't. But now I'm stuck here. Every irritant becomes a major problem that infects the very happiness of our home. And there's no escape - she can come into our part any time (pretext - looking for missing cat / I have some post for you / returning an item).
Worst decision we made. Five years ago.
Good job I'm not bitter!
we had the same thing in a way when we got married my wife's brother in law hunted out my parents and said the match was a disaster and it would not last and they should really stop it for everyone's sake as we were much too young, I was 19 and my wife was nearly 21. my dad told him to sling his hook and let us get on with our lives. we got married and are still together 43 years later.
DervVW said:
I've found that you have to change your perspective when considering in-laws.
You in your family were brought up in a particular way with years to small 'traditions' (if you can call them that) so to you and your family however distant there will be similar things.
Now your inlaws are from a completely different place (even if they live next door) they have a different way of looking at anything or everything.
Sometimes you are lucky and there will be enough similar that you can find commman ground and get on. Often sadly this is not the case and thats where you have the problems above.
Anyway if you read that ramble... the point is, you might never understand them, don't worry, its normal. Just live your life best you can, because you wont change them.
Not OP but thanks for that. Certainly helps explain my MIL Makes Hittler look like he had compassion You in your family were brought up in a particular way with years to small 'traditions' (if you can call them that) so to you and your family however distant there will be similar things.
Now your inlaws are from a completely different place (even if they live next door) they have a different way of looking at anything or everything.
Sometimes you are lucky and there will be enough similar that you can find commman ground and get on. Often sadly this is not the case and thats where you have the problems above.
Anyway if you read that ramble... the point is, you might never understand them, don't worry, its normal. Just live your life best you can, because you wont change them.
Adenauer said:
My MIL is great, my FIL on the other hand was a complete a
hole, a complete alcoholic, who had no interest in our children and the last time I saw him he raised his hand to my wife, so I stood in between them as I am a man mountain.
Then I was like
I may have seen picture of you though once
My OH has not seen her dad since she was 7 years old so never had to deal with the father in law thing
We have been together 5 years and are both divorced. Her mum, who did the job of both mum and dad whilst working as well, raised two intelligent, strong women who both have decent careers and good kids. She was also a fantastic Grandma to their three, and to my daughter as well over recent times.
Thoroughly accepting of me and we got on great
We lost her last Sunday. Me and my OH sat with her for the last few days while she slowly drifted away - a horrible and sobering experience and I have to say that I was upset, though not nearly in the same league as my OH and her sister. We are all still in shock to be honest - a mild stroke, then they found 3 secondary cancers that none of us knew about (we didn't even know of a primary one). From sat up in bed unable to flex her right hand and a bit confused, to palliative care and unresponsive in the space of 6 days. Dead 4 days later
I will be raising a few glasses to her on Friday at the funeral and my tears will be genuine (well they won't really, as us powerfully built types don't cry)
As for my ex wife - her mother was an absolute fruitcake. So was her daughter!!
We have been together 5 years and are both divorced. Her mum, who did the job of both mum and dad whilst working as well, raised two intelligent, strong women who both have decent careers and good kids. She was also a fantastic Grandma to their three, and to my daughter as well over recent times.
Thoroughly accepting of me and we got on great
We lost her last Sunday. Me and my OH sat with her for the last few days while she slowly drifted away - a horrible and sobering experience and I have to say that I was upset, though not nearly in the same league as my OH and her sister. We are all still in shock to be honest - a mild stroke, then they found 3 secondary cancers that none of us knew about (we didn't even know of a primary one). From sat up in bed unable to flex her right hand and a bit confused, to palliative care and unresponsive in the space of 6 days. Dead 4 days later
I will be raising a few glasses to her on Friday at the funeral and my tears will be genuine (well they won't really, as us powerfully built types don't cry)
As for my ex wife - her mother was an absolute fruitcake. So was her daughter!!
My MIL died before I met my Wife, but my FIL is a nice bloke, very quiet but we chat now and again and he's always happy to help with our Son when he can.
I'm just glad it's me on here today and not my Wife, My Mum, bless her, very much fits the Dail Mail reading Babyboomer stereotype - she lives by the motto "well, why shouldn't I?" She was never very maternal when I was growing up so I've never really expected anything from her and I have to admit whenever it comes to dealings with my Mum I'm looking for her 'angle'. I've been burnt in the past.
My Wife's family are all lovely, offers for baby sitting and picking up kids from school come flooding in, when I was made redundant a few years ago strings were pulled and favours asked and I was offered Jobs almost the same week, they'll do anything for you, and of course it's a reciprocal agreement.
My Wife is getting more and more annoyed with my Mum, the lack of interest in the kids, the constant requests for little favours for little DIY jobs on her house, car and computer when she wouldn't give the time of day back, it must be very alien to her coming from such a big close family.
I've not made the mistake of trying to take my Mum's side when she's upset with her, I know my Mum, she's was by no means the best Mum in the world when I was a kid and I don't expect anything from her now, but she's the only one I've got.
I'm just glad it's me on here today and not my Wife, My Mum, bless her, very much fits the Dail Mail reading Babyboomer stereotype - she lives by the motto "well, why shouldn't I?" She was never very maternal when I was growing up so I've never really expected anything from her and I have to admit whenever it comes to dealings with my Mum I'm looking for her 'angle'. I've been burnt in the past.
My Wife's family are all lovely, offers for baby sitting and picking up kids from school come flooding in, when I was made redundant a few years ago strings were pulled and favours asked and I was offered Jobs almost the same week, they'll do anything for you, and of course it's a reciprocal agreement.
My Wife is getting more and more annoyed with my Mum, the lack of interest in the kids, the constant requests for little favours for little DIY jobs on her house, car and computer when she wouldn't give the time of day back, it must be very alien to her coming from such a big close family.
I've not made the mistake of trying to take my Mum's side when she's upset with her, I know my Mum, she's was by no means the best Mum in the world when I was a kid and I don't expect anything from her now, but she's the only one I've got.
4 months down the line nothing has changed.
My wife called me in December while out and about, saying that her mum had sent a box up. She was left in tears when she discovered it was not an olive branch, but merely sending up presents that someone had dropped off for my wife. Not even a Christmas card from them.
I had a call from her aunt last night asking how we can sort this. Apparently they think they've done nothing wrong by missing their daughters wedding and them their daughter wedding celebration.
I've blown my cover and sent a note pointing out exactly why there eldest daughter is so upset. Balls in their court now.
I'm told that they miss our daughter, I'm really not sure how to resolve that, nor if I really want to - although if my daughter asked to speak to them I would certainly make sure she could.
Families...
My wife called me in December while out and about, saying that her mum had sent a box up. She was left in tears when she discovered it was not an olive branch, but merely sending up presents that someone had dropped off for my wife. Not even a Christmas card from them.
I had a call from her aunt last night asking how we can sort this. Apparently they think they've done nothing wrong by missing their daughters wedding and them their daughter wedding celebration.
I've blown my cover and sent a note pointing out exactly why there eldest daughter is so upset. Balls in their court now.
I'm told that they miss our daughter, I'm really not sure how to resolve that, nor if I really want to - although if my daughter asked to speak to them I would certainly make sure she could.
Families...
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