A relationship break-up with complications, how do you cope?
Discussion
Ok, a quick back story, back in September 2014 I went on a date with someone I had known and been freinds with for a while, made a move and sparked up a wonderful relationship, things did move quicker than normal(maybe because we had already known each other for so long).
In April this year we moved in with each other(rented), whilst looking to get a joint mortgage this coming April. She had a child from a previous relationship, which albeit was hard at first as I'm not great with children, I took in my stride and really loved the fact that he was there, we felt like the proper family that I had dreamed of.
Then things got worse, she wanted to go out more and I wanted to stay in more, we both made mistakes(neither of us cheated, we are both 100% loyal to each other), we had more arguements, I started bringing money arguements to the table as I had to take on more and more(I pay for the house, car, insurance, bills, food, etc) and as things should have been tighter, she wanted to spend more and more, she started to become very materialistic, which is something that I am not.
Last Wednesday it came to blows, we were both civil with each other and we do still love each other, but she's not happy and I stated that it will get worse, she agreed and said that we should seperate.
Since then my emotions have been all over the place, I still love her and have all these amazing memories of us together, my family love her, she fitted in everywhere, I start getting upset and wanting for us not to split, but then other times, I almost feel relieved that we are finishing whilst we are both civil with each other, as I know of late I've started feeling depressed and feeling that I don't like what she is becoming.
Obviously she has her son (5 years old), which complicates things and we are certainly keeping it normal for him and our families until next year as we don't want to tell them yet to make sure that everyone enjoys the holidays and doesn't feel awkward.
The next issue is the fact we still have 4 months on this house, so that makes things more complicated.
My biggest fear though is what she will be left with once she's gone, I start getting really upset again when I think of her and her son in a shabby flat with a crummy car and struggling to afford anything, at the moment we have a wonderful 4 bed house in a good area, she has a new E Class(I work very close to home so don't really use it and let her have it), I have had the money for all the nice things that she has no money for.
I feel that I just want to grab her, hold her and never let her go, but at the same time, we have become too different to stay together and as much as we love each other we both know that we can't be happy together, not at this point in time anyway.
Never have I truly understood the rock and the hard place til now
In April this year we moved in with each other(rented), whilst looking to get a joint mortgage this coming April. She had a child from a previous relationship, which albeit was hard at first as I'm not great with children, I took in my stride and really loved the fact that he was there, we felt like the proper family that I had dreamed of.
Then things got worse, she wanted to go out more and I wanted to stay in more, we both made mistakes(neither of us cheated, we are both 100% loyal to each other), we had more arguements, I started bringing money arguements to the table as I had to take on more and more(I pay for the house, car, insurance, bills, food, etc) and as things should have been tighter, she wanted to spend more and more, she started to become very materialistic, which is something that I am not.
Last Wednesday it came to blows, we were both civil with each other and we do still love each other, but she's not happy and I stated that it will get worse, she agreed and said that we should seperate.
Since then my emotions have been all over the place, I still love her and have all these amazing memories of us together, my family love her, she fitted in everywhere, I start getting upset and wanting for us not to split, but then other times, I almost feel relieved that we are finishing whilst we are both civil with each other, as I know of late I've started feeling depressed and feeling that I don't like what she is becoming.
Obviously she has her son (5 years old), which complicates things and we are certainly keeping it normal for him and our families until next year as we don't want to tell them yet to make sure that everyone enjoys the holidays and doesn't feel awkward.
The next issue is the fact we still have 4 months on this house, so that makes things more complicated.
My biggest fear though is what she will be left with once she's gone, I start getting really upset again when I think of her and her son in a shabby flat with a crummy car and struggling to afford anything, at the moment we have a wonderful 4 bed house in a good area, she has a new E Class(I work very close to home so don't really use it and let her have it), I have had the money for all the nice things that she has no money for.
I feel that I just want to grab her, hold her and never let her go, but at the same time, we have become too different to stay together and as much as we love each other we both know that we can't be happy together, not at this point in time anyway.
Never have I truly understood the rock and the hard place til now
From an outside perspective, having read that, a lot of alarm bells are sounding, and indications that it's probably best that it has ended when it has.
A relationship should be equal, you shouldering financial strain while she wants to spend all the money, would be a relationship deal breaker for me, personally.
Look on the bright side, you aren't married, and don't have a joint mortgage. Get on tinder and work on repairing yourself.
My best advice, once you're out of it, DO NOT get back with her, it will never work out.
Look for someone better, she will be out there.
(i came out of a relationship a few years ago that was very damaging, and it took me two years to get over it, I still bear the scars now, but am with a girl who is 10x the woman my ex ever would be).
A relationship should be equal, you shouldering financial strain while she wants to spend all the money, would be a relationship deal breaker for me, personally.
Look on the bright side, you aren't married, and don't have a joint mortgage. Get on tinder and work on repairing yourself.
My best advice, once you're out of it, DO NOT get back with her, it will never work out.
Look for someone better, she will be out there.
(i came out of a relationship a few years ago that was very damaging, and it took me two years to get over it, I still bear the scars now, but am with a girl who is 10x the woman my ex ever would be).
Also to add, it took me a year longer than it should have to end my last relationship...my biggest regret is not doing it sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of permanent emotional damage.
It sounds like you're coming out relatively intact. try to see becoming single as an opportunity, rather than a death sentence.
It sounds like you're coming out relatively intact. try to see becoming single as an opportunity, rather than a death sentence.
If you've got the money you could just move out and say she can have a few months to get her act together, whilst you keep the roof over her head and the car on the road.
That would be a very generous act - a reasonable person would be very grateful, minimise expenses and move out as soon as she can thinking what a shame it is that you couldn't make it work.
If you do that I hope that is what happens.
Worst case she tries to milk you dry - but then it will be easy for you to cut her off so it's not all bad.
That would be a very generous act - a reasonable person would be very grateful, minimise expenses and move out as soon as she can thinking what a shame it is that you couldn't make it work.
If you do that I hope that is what happens.
Worst case she tries to milk you dry - but then it will be easy for you to cut her off so it's not all bad.
Marc p said:
Last Wednesday it came to blows, we were both civil with each other and we do still love each other, but she's not happy and I stated that it will get worse, she agreed and said that we should seperate.
The next issue is the fact we still have 4 months on this house, so that makes things more complicated.
My biggest fear though is what she will be left with once she's gone, I start getting really upset again when I think of her and her son in a shabby flat with a crummy car and struggling to afford anything, at the moment we have a wonderful 4 bed house in a good area, she has a new E Class(I work very close to home so don't really use it and let her have it), I have had the money for all the nice things that she has no money for.
I am going to sound very cynical here but am coming from the point of view of my experience - what she is left with after you split is not your problem. I have 2 ex's who both left me for other blokes. One of them I have a daughter with. The next issue is the fact we still have 4 months on this house, so that makes things more complicated.
My biggest fear though is what she will be left with once she's gone, I start getting really upset again when I think of her and her son in a shabby flat with a crummy car and struggling to afford anything, at the moment we have a wonderful 4 bed house in a good area, she has a new E Class(I work very close to home so don't really use it and let her have it), I have had the money for all the nice things that she has no money for.
The one with whom I have my daughter - we get on ok now and I provide for my child but all of her other sob stories fall on deaf ears (self inflicted, the other bloke was a con artist)
The ex wife, I have absolutely nothing to do with. Don't know where she is and don't particularly care. I nearly lost everything because of her spending money that I borrowed/earned
It sounds very toxic to me. Coming to blows in one sentence, but civil with each other in the next. Which is it? It's not an environment for a child to be and if blows have been exchanged at all then you should clearly not be together
Sod family, sod appearances, sod Christmas. Get out and get on with your life. I've done the hanging around until Christmas for the kids thing and it was torture. Like a plaster, best to rip it off and get on with it
When I broke up with someone and we lived together it was fairly apparent we couldn't carry on sharing a house.
We had around 3 months left on the contract, and as I'd pad the rent upfront I offered two options, either keep it and I'll move, and figure out how you're going to pay the rent when it's due together with the bills or move out and find her own place. She chose the latter because she couldn't afford it on her own. I moved away not long after anyway
For your own sanity, one of you will need to move out, because it'll be unworkable if you're both there and there's no chance of you ever getting back together. It's also not fair to the kid, and presumably at some point in the next 3 months, at least one of you will be dating again.
For the kid, tbh that's just how it goes. My Aunt left my Uncle when my nieces were young, but he was their Dad, they got through it. My wife's Dad left her Mum when she (my wife) was 2. She got through it. There's not really that much you've got to offer to or think about with the kid, you were dating his/her Mum and kids were part of the package. It'd be weird to want to stick around / buy presents / visit or whatever for the sake of the kid, Mum will make sure you're erased from their mind fairly quickly and that's the right thing to do. Sorry, but it is
We had around 3 months left on the contract, and as I'd pad the rent upfront I offered two options, either keep it and I'll move, and figure out how you're going to pay the rent when it's due together with the bills or move out and find her own place. She chose the latter because she couldn't afford it on her own. I moved away not long after anyway
For your own sanity, one of you will need to move out, because it'll be unworkable if you're both there and there's no chance of you ever getting back together. It's also not fair to the kid, and presumably at some point in the next 3 months, at least one of you will be dating again.
For the kid, tbh that's just how it goes. My Aunt left my Uncle when my nieces were young, but he was their Dad, they got through it. My wife's Dad left her Mum when she (my wife) was 2. She got through it. There's not really that much you've got to offer to or think about with the kid, you were dating his/her Mum and kids were part of the package. It'd be weird to want to stick around / buy presents / visit or whatever for the sake of the kid, Mum will make sure you're erased from their mind fairly quickly and that's the right thing to do. Sorry, but it is
designforlife said:
From an outside perspective, having read that, a lot of alarm bells are sounding, and indications that it's probably best that it has ended when it has.
A relationship should be equal, you shouldering financial strain while she wants to spend all the money, would be a relationship deal breaker for me, personally.
Look on the bright side, you aren't married, and don't have a joint mortgage. Get on tinder and work on repairing yourself.
My best advice, once you're out of it, DO NOT get back with her, it will never work out.
Look for someone better, she will be out there.
(i came out of a relationship a few years ago that was very damaging, and it took me two years to get over it, I still bear the scars now, but am with a girl who is 10x the woman my ex ever would be).
A relationship should be equal, you shouldering financial strain while she wants to spend all the money, would be a relationship deal breaker for me, personally.
Look on the bright side, you aren't married, and don't have a joint mortgage. Get on tinder and work on repairing yourself.
My best advice, once you're out of it, DO NOT get back with her, it will never work out.
Look for someone better, she will be out there.
(i came out of a relationship a few years ago that was very damaging, and it took me two years to get over it, I still bear the scars now, but am with a girl who is 10x the woman my ex ever would be).
designforlife said:
Also to add, it took me a year longer than it should have to end my last relationship...my biggest regret is not doing it sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of permanent emotional damage.
It sounds like you're coming out relatively intact. try to see becoming single as an opportunity, rather than a death sentence.
Thank you for the replies, I really appreciate what you have said and I know that now is a good time to get out of it whist we are both being civil with each other, it would be harder if we wern't.It sounds like you're coming out relatively intact. try to see becoming single as an opportunity, rather than a death sentence.
I think one of the biggest issues is that she is the first person I have truly loved, the other relationships I flitted in and out of, without much of a care and never lasting too long, so to have these fantastic memories of holidays shared and adventures we've had and looking through all the lovely stuff she used to write to me, it has made me a lot more emotional.
It does good to say these things on here though, as we are trying to keep things under wraps and I have only told my closest freind what is happening(most of my other freinds are people who are freinds with both of us and I don't want them taking sides).
Marc p said:
My biggest fear though is what she will be left with once she's gone, I start getting really upset again when I think of her and her son in a shabby flat with a crummy car and struggling to afford anything, at the moment we have a wonderful 4 bed house in a good area, she has a new E Class(I work very close to home so don't really use it and let her have it), I have had the money for all the nice things that she has no money for.
While that's nice, and shows that you care, that isn't the basis for a healthy relationship. You shouldn't need to be spending money on someone to make you happy - get yourself in with someone on an equal keel, and realise how much easier it makes life.Pieman68 said:
It sounds very toxic to me. Coming to blows in one sentence, but civil with each other in the next. Which is it? It's not an environment for a child to be and if blows have been exchanged at all then you should clearly not be together
Sod family, sod appearances, sod Christmas. Get out and get on with your life. I've done the hanging around until Christmas for the kids thing and it was torture. Like a plaster, best to rip it off and get on with it
Coming to blows was a bad figure of speech, we didn't argue, I just got in from work, and we just talked it through, no raised voices. We also have never argued in front of the child, actually we have never argued when he is in the house, neither of us want that for him.Sod family, sod appearances, sod Christmas. Get out and get on with your life. I've done the hanging around until Christmas for the kids thing and it was torture. Like a plaster, best to rip it off and get on with it
If Christmas was a month away, maybe I'd agree, but it's only a few days away and I'd love her son to have a great Christmas, he's a wonderful kid and I won't risk him having a crummy Christmas for a matter of days, it should be the best day of the year for him and I am not letting it be any less than that for him.
crikey, a year old, I missed that initially...sounds like you're a little too emotionally invested for your own good (easily done, i've been there).
If you are having problems this fundamental after a year, its definitely time to go your separate ways.
You don't owe her anything (sounds like she is far more indebted to you, financially and otherwise), so just walk away, it will be a massive load off your shoulders.
If you are having problems this fundamental after a year, its definitely time to go your separate ways.
You don't owe her anything (sounds like she is far more indebted to you, financially and otherwise), so just walk away, it will be a massive load off your shoulders.
Adam B said:
if the story had began in 2010 it might make some sense, this relationship is barely a year old, so sounds a little mental TBH
why is she going out more and being materialistic when she seems to contribute f
k all financially to this relationship?
Technically, the story began ine 2006, I've always had a thing for her and she me, but we were always at different places in life whenever we met and went some time before we bumped into each other again when we both were at a similar placewhy is she going out more and being materialistic when she seems to contribute f
k all financially to this relationship?Leave her now, there is no point putting it off any longer as your just preventing yourself from moving on> When she realizes how hard it is without you, don't fool for the "it was a mistake" phonecall just because she has no money now and can't fund her lifestyle.
Edited by TLandCruiser on Tuesday 22 December 20:56
C70R said:
Marc p said:
My biggest fear though is what she will be left with once she's gone, I start getting really upset again when I think of her and her son in a shabby flat with a crummy car and struggling to afford anything, at the moment we have a wonderful 4 bed house in a good area, she has a new E Class(I work very close to home so don't really use it and let her have it), I have had the money for all the nice things that she has no money for.
While that's nice, and shows that you care, that isn't the basis for a healthy relationship. You shouldn't need to be spending money on someone to make you happy - get yourself in with someone on an equal keel, and realise how much easier it makes life.
Sounds like your generosity has ultimately been the downfall of the relationship. Not your fault in any way, some people are all too quick to take advantage and then only realise what they had when it's gone.You're in danger of just becoming a bank account.
You have to let her go and, hard as it is, you have to move on and look after yourself.
Where she goes from here really is not your responsibility, you have your own life and future to live.
And yes it really is easy for us to say this as outsiders.
She may genuinely have loved you at the start but you risk being used just now - because you are a decent guy.
You have to let her go and, hard as it is, you have to move on and look after yourself.
Where she goes from here really is not your responsibility, you have your own life and future to live.
And yes it really is easy for us to say this as outsiders.
She may genuinely have loved you at the start but you risk being used just now - because you are a decent guy.
Marc p said:
Technically, the story began ine 2006, I've always had a thing for her and she me, but we were always at different places in life whenever we met and went some time before we bumped into each other again when we both were at a similar place
Does your momma say that life is like a box of chocolates 
Seriously Marc, I may sound harsh but I've been in a similar place. Understand what you are saying about Christmas but they are not your priority. Time to be selfish and look after number 1. Spend the money that you earn on you and stuff that you like
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