She wants a kid, I don't

[The101]

Sorry for the long post.. TLDR she wants kids I dont, what should I do?

Unfortunately, I have a lack of people I can talk to this about. Most people I know seem to think it's not a big issue and don't mind having children even if they haven't considered it properly, the advice from one colleague about to have his second was 'just try not to think about it, it's not that bad'

You can gather from the title what this is about... My girlfriend of four years really wants a baby, and I don't. One day maybe, but I'm only 24 and I would honestly feel like my life was over if I had one now. Personally I'd happily wait ten years as it stands at the moment but I know that could change.

We had the talk fairly early on in the relationship and she said the same as me (which turned out to be a lie) and on a trip abroad this year it came out that she really wants one, she was crying and I felt awful. She sees me saying I don't want one as me dictating when we have kids - personally, I think you should BOTH want it and it should be right.

I want holidays and cars, and then eventually a bit of cash in the bank and my own house, married etc before kids. I want to do it the right way, as my parents did not, and I don't want that for my own children, old fashioned as it may be. Also ive had to deal with a lot of stress and responsibility in my short life, I don't want any more right now. I earn good(ish) money and I don't want to spend it on my out of work missus while she brings up our kid and I work all hours to pay for it.... (Yes I an selfish!)

I did suggest if she's that desperate for children the perhaps she needs to find someone else, but she insists it has to be with me and she will wait until I'm ready. Until the next time she gets emotional about it and I can see its breaking her heart and she doesn't want to wait for years. There are some pregnancy complications in her family and she worries if left too late it won't happen.

Now I know this isn't going to go away, so has anyone else been through a similar thing? I'm sure I'll get the generic answer of 'get rid of her' but I don't want to do that... At the same time I don't want her to be wasting years she would rather spend being a parent. Having a kid isn't an option for me at the moment, I'd rather kill myself (bit dramatic but that's how much I do not want this responsibility), and who knows when the switch may flick in my brain and I'll suddenly be ready? Our relationship isn't without its issues as well and now definitely is not the time for adding children to the mix.

She has the contraceptive implant in her arm so luckily (unless it fails) there aren't going to be any accidents. It comes out in 2016 though so that's a concern.

I feel awful, quite selfish, and don't know what to do really. Any sound advice from older (wiser!) folk much appreciated.

[drivin_me_nuts]

Your relationship will end. Sooner would be better. Some things are just insurmountable and this is one of them

[Farmer Geddon]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling so don't feel bad about it. It does complicate things, but it isn't your fault.

I went through a similar thing years ago. She left me eventually and I was devastated, but later in life at the age of 37 I met a lovely lady who had two kids from a previous marriage and I couldn't be happier with that. They were old enough to know some manners, and I was old enough to want the family life having spent the last ten years doing what I wanted and spending money on myself and various cars.

The beauty of being a man is, within reason, it's never too late, so don't rush, stick by your gut feeling on this. If she really doesn't like it there may only be one thing you can do.

[stuno1]

That is young in my view and if you are willing to tell her she needs to find someone else i can only assume this may not be the girl for you? If she is that keen it won't go away and will lead to more stress in the relationship. Either you both agree a time or it gets more fractious until you break up.

[hornetrider]

You have to do what is right for you, selfish as that sounds. If you feel so strongly about it whilst she is so insistent I think ultimately you'll have to go your separate ways, because the issue will dominate your lives.

Me and Mrs H both wanted to wait and get traveling the world out of our system, which we did. Looking back we waited too long (me 37, her 31) and realise now we should have probably started a few years earlier, so I think there's a balance to be had. Our daughter is 3.5 and #2 is due in March, I'll be 41, which is a bit older than I'd like.

Children are amazing though and will change your life for the better, I honestly look back and think we were a bit shallow to wait while we holidayed all over the globe!

[grumbledoak]

Forget waiting until "you are ready". No-one is ever ready for kids. The changes are almost impossible to imagine/describe across the experience chasm, but the good bits are genuinely worth all the pain and exhaustion.

Marriage is another complete unknown, no way to predict how that will go. Recovering financially from a divorce in later life is harder.

If you want to stay with this woman my advice would be to bring forward the wedding. You may want to wait and see what the wedding cake does to her before getting at it like rabbits...

[The101]

drivin_me_nuts said:

Your relationship will end. Sooner would be better. Some things are just insurmountable and this is one of them

I'm not so sure.. She has said she will wait and doesn't drag it up at every opportunity but does get upset about it

[The101]

stuno1 said:

That is young in my view and if you are willing to tell her she needs to find someone else i can only assume this may not be the girl for you? If she is that keen it won't go away and will lead to more stress in the relationship. Either you both agree a time or it gets more fractious until you break up.

I told her that because I'm realistic. I know this could be a potentially terminal thing. I know she doesn't choose to feel this way any more than I do I guess.. She's two years younger than me and IMO thats probably too young...

I hope we don't break up over this as we do love each other dearly but it's such a big thing that I don't think its something which can be compromised over

[dav123a]

OP I think you know the answer , currently its unfair on both of you. You want different things right now. Not going to be easy to break up, but have a think of the alternative. You both end up in a spiral of hating each other because of your respective positions.

[The101]

hornetrider said:

You have to do what is right for you, selfish as that sounds. If you feel so strongly about it whilst she is so insistent I think ultimately you'll have to go your separate ways, because the issue will dominate your lives.

Me and Mrs H both wanted to wait and get traveling the world out of our system, which we did. Looking back we waited too long (me 37, her 31) and realise now we should have probably started a few years earlier, so I think there's a balance to be had. Our daughter is 3.5 and #2 is due in March, I'll be 41, which is a bit older than I'd like.

Children are amazing though and will change your life for the better, I honestly look back and think we were a bit shallow to wait while we holidayed all over the globe!

Thanks for your reply. Mrs 101's dad had his youngest recently, at 43! I don't think it's too old personally

[The101]

grumbledoak said:

Forget waiting until "you are ready". No-one is ever ready for kids. The changes are almost impossible to imagine/describe across the experience chasm, but the good bits are genuinely worth all the pain and exhaustion.

Marriage is another complete unknown, no way to predict how that will go. Recovering financially from a divorce in later life is harder.

If you want to stay with this woman my advice would be to bring forward the wedding. You may want to wait and see what the wedding cake does to her before getting at it like rabbits...

I don't want to forget waiting. I understand that no one is probably ever ready which is where the comment from my colleague came from, that he doesn't think too much about it and just gets on with it. But genuinely I don't want to spend the rest of my twenties being a parent, I can't think of anything worse and surely someone with that view shouldn't have a child yet!

I do like kids, I want them some day for sure, but now isn't the time and I don't want to have one just to get it out of the way early...

[The101]

dav123a said:

OP I think you know the answer , currently its unfair on both of you. You want different things right now. Not going to be easy to break up, but have a think of the alternative. You both end up in a spiral of hating each other because of your respective positions.

I think I probably do but would rather not accept it...

If she does wait then I'll feel terrible, if we don't wait then I'll hate my life... I don't know, isn't being a grown up rubbish sometimes!!

I'm going to have a talk with her again about it before it comes out in a big display of emotion, that way if she isn't too upset we might be able to have a decent sensible chat. It usually ends up the same way though, that she doesn't want kids with just anyone but with me, and she will wait even though it obviously kills her. It's amazing that she cares so much for me but I don't necessarily think its the best way forward... I don't know when or if that switch will ever flick in my brain and I'll feel ready to start a family, the thought is a little too scary right now to truly comprehend...

[hornetrider]

The101 said:

Thanks for your reply. Mrs 101's dad had his youngest recently, at 43! I don't think it's too old personally

No worries

I think in your reply lies the answer... There's a new baby sibling for her just appeared on the scene and now she wants one of her own.

I'm not one to judge but you did mention she was out of work. Is she looking for work or at uni or something? Don't want to come over all PH (Tonks will be along shortly) but you want to be careful you're not her meal ticket in life and a child is a shortcut to it.

I think for long term relationships to properly work you need to have similar ambitions and she needs to contribute financially. Thinks might be rosy now while you're getting laid but long term you ought to be in a relationship of similar values and ambitions.

[stuno1]

Sadly if she is ready and you are not i don't see a way out of it. If you put a timeframe on it she will look to that deadline and you may look to as the 'start of the end' as cars, holidays etc take a back seat. You need to be in the same boat and both be ready as the early months are tough and you need to both be 100% on board.

[CX53]

I'm in a similar position OP, I feel for you. I'm 23 and engaged to a girl I love to bits, she wants a child and I dont. I still don't know what to do for the best!

[The101]

hornetrider said:

No worries

I think in your reply lies the answer... There's a new baby sibling for her just appeared on the scene and now she wants one of her own.

I'm not one to judge but you did mention she was out of work. Is she looking for work or at uni or something? Don't want to come over all PH (Tonks will be along shortly) but you want to be careful you're not her meal ticket in life and a child is a shortcut to it.

I think for long term relationships to properly work you need to have similar ambitions and she needs to contribute financially. Thinks might be rosy now while you're getting laid but long term you ought to be in a relationship of similar values and ambitions.

Sorry I wasn't very clear on that one... I meant that if she has a baby she would be out of work and I'd be hard at work to pay for everything. I know that it's just what happens, but I don't think I'm ready to be the only provider to a family of three at my age... I worked hard to achieve a decent wage and Ive barely had time to enjoy it before she started wanting kids.

She does work now but it's not really something she would be able to get back in to easily on the same money post-child. In an ideal world for me we would both get some money behind us so it's not such hard work when we have kids instead of living month to month on my wage alone.

In a way I probably am a meal ticket, in a very cynical PH paranoid view. She had nothing when she moved in with me and only recently started to earn better money with my encouragement, although she doesn't take money from me she does enjoy a nice life and things she wouldn't be able to otherwise afford, but then it's only money and it's not important. Chances are she won't meet anyone else of a similar age who earns the same money and can provide a reasonable life for her and a child. My friends of a similar age who have a baby live in a council house and don't work, and another whos Mrs is pregnant is an apprentice plumber so they can't afford the child at all. The way i see it is, why not enjoy our good position in life for a while instead of putting a stop to a nice lifestyle by having a child.

I'm not quite sure what to think, but I know it isn't for me yet.

[drivin_me_nuts]

The101 said:

drivin_me_nuts said:

Your relationship will end. Sooner would be better. Some things are just insurmountable and this is one of them

I'm not so sure.. She has said she will wait and doesn't drag it up at every opportunity but does get upset about it

When I was your age I was faced with a choice not too dissimilar to the one you are making now, but with roles reversed. My partner did not want children and I had to make a choice between finding someone else, or finding her. it was, for several years something I found rather difficult to decide upon. In the end, what mattered was her and stayed with her for almost twenty three years and we had no children. There are no regrets from me nor from her.

The reason my reply was so short was because i've seen behaviour such as you describe in your girlfriend in others. What happens next is very much down to how strong is your gf's need for children and how much it preys on her mind. What people say, what they project to the outside world (no matter how close you are to them, you are still the outside world), can be very different. I'm inclined to think that her upset is the realisation that as much as she cares about you, as much as your relationship may be great, she knows it's not sustainable.

On the flip side, people do change their mind and you might do ten years down the line. who knows. What happens next depends very much upon whether she's prepared to take wait on that chance and live in hope. In some, that maternal need (or paternal need) is very strong and that ultimate compatibility drives everything else.

It's a horrible place to sit and one that can cause an awful lot of soul searching. But you also have to be fair to her and also to yourself in what you both want ... and more importantly, need.


Edit: I just read the post above me. PH paranoia re money etc will kill your relationship stone dead if you are not careful. Contrary to PH misogony, not all women are money grabbing self serving bhes. Dump that attitude now, before it utterly fks you over and you end up one lonely, miserable fker.

Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Sunday 27th December 07:56

[The101]

hornetrider said:

No worries

I think in your reply lies the answer... There's a new baby sibling for her just appeared on the scene and now she wants one of her own.

This certainly didn't help matters, especially when she saw how good with him I was and probably assumed we were on the same page about having kids....

[The101]

drivin_me_nuts said:

When I was your age I was faced with a choice not too dissimilar to the one you are making now, but with roles reversed. My partner did not want children and I had to make a choice between finding someone else, or finding her. it was, for several years something I found rather difficult to decide upon. In the end, what mattered was her and stayed with her for almost twenty three years and we had no children. There are no regrets from me nor from her.

The reason my reply was so short was because i've seen behaviour such as you describe in your girlfriend in others. What happens next is very much down to how strong is your gf's need for children and how much it preys on her mind. What people say, what they project to the outside world (no matter how close you are to them, you are still the outside world), can be very different. I'm inclined to think that her upset is the realisation that as much as she cares about you, as much as your relationship may be great, she knows it's not sustainable.

On the flip side, people do change their mind and you might do ten years down the line. who knows. What happens next depends very much upon whether she's prepared to take wait on that chance and live in hope. In some, that maternal need (or paternal need) is very strong and that ultimate compatibility drives everything else.

It's a horrible place to sit and one that can cause an awful lot of soul searching. But you also have to be fair to her and also to yourself in what you both want ... and more importantly, need.


Edit: I just read the post above me. PH paranoia re money etc will kill your relationship stone dead if you are not careful. Contrary to PH misogony, not all women are money grabbing self serving bhes. Dump that attitude now, before it utterly fks you over and you end up one lonely, miserable fker.

Edited by drivin_me_nuts on Sunday 27th December 07:56

Thanks, that's given me quite a bit to think about. It's nice to hear from someone who had a similar problem and it actually worked out instead of the default 'break up with her'

That was just what the paranoid PH majority would probably think of my situation, not my own views. In this case I seem to have found a hard working reasonably independant girl who isn't all that materialistic, but in PH style I will say that she does have an easy life thanks to me, but that would probably be the case with any girl of a similar age I'd meet so it's not an issue!

The main thing for me is that I feel it's unfair making her wait, but not so much so that id have a child any sooner. She says she wants to wait and have children with me, but I struggle to see that happening as she does feel rather strongly about it. I suppose that decision to keep going has been with her, and she's chosen to stay with our relationship and wait, but in my mind I also have a decision about whether or not I'm wasting both of our time by letting it continue

[TakeTheJaaaag]

The101 said:

Our relationship isn't without its issues as well

In my own bitter experience, women sometimes see having a child as a way of cementing and hanging on to a relationship which they think otherwise might not last.

I don't know what your issues are, but with the brief info we have, as an outsider, I will contribute this:

Leave her. It'll be heartbreaking for a while. Earn as much money as you can, go on nice holidays, have nice cars, buy yourself a house, enjoy time with your family and friends, enjoy hobbies you may otherwise not be able to do regularly like go to the gym, play or watch sport, whatever. Live your life how you want to until you feel genuinely ready to settle down, and find a like minded woman on a fairly equal parr financially as yourself, and enjoy a happy relationship, but also being able to do your own thing too.

You sound like you're in the ideal position in life to enjoy it and be happy alone/just dating for a while and not ready for a proper relationship, but maybe that's just what I can see.

Compromising on the colour of the walls in the front room is one thing, but you cannot unwillingly consider having a child.